I am depressed again. Or simply exhausted. Or both.
I was doing really well with T1 and then there was that break with no T for a few weeks. I was doing everything i could do to keep it together. Worst part was that I was triggered horribly and T1 just wasnt available so i tried to manage on my own. I have been pretty much been warding off those awful low feelings and trying to stay positive.

But i cant fight it anymore. Too many triggering events have happened since that initial one and i have slipped. I have had only one session with T2 so i am holding so much inside

I try to focus on the positives, tell myself other people's bs just doesnt matter, eat those grapes, but i am tired.

I am taking a personal day today to try to sleep, rest, rejuv and try to get myself together together enough so I can just show up...suit up and show up. I woke up so miserable this morning thoughand the thought of just getting ready, driving the hour and half + to work seemed too overwhelming.

Although i did receive some lovely notes and posts here that made me feel supported and definitely not alone. Truly greatly appreciated. Such a nice way to start a rough morning with some help from my PC friends xx

But...I am feeling sad and exhausted. No motivation at all. And under that i am feeling incredible resentment and frustration and self hatred. Maybe though it is self pity. I am forced to face major humiliations and triggers simply by being in the office. It has begun to represent more pain than joy.

I am so so tired. I thought i beat this with T1. Yet, sadly, here I am. Again. And T2 is nowhere in immediate sight. Another 4 days of waiting. Waiting to talk to someone IRL that can provide encouragement support and feedback. And who hears me and listens. I dont have anyone else in my real life like that .

Not one person. I feel alone too. IRL alone.

Thanks for reading xx

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

I am depressed again. Or simply exhausted. Or both.
I was doing really well with T1 and then there was that break with no T for a few weeks. I was doing everything i could do to keep it together. Worst part was that I was triggered horribly and T1 just wasnt available so i tried to manage on my own. I have been lretty much been warding off those awful low feelings and trying to stay positive. But i cant fight it anymore. Too many triggering events have happened since that initial one and i have slupped.

I try to focus on the positives, tell myself other people's bs just doesnt matter, eat those grapes, but i am tired.

I am taking a personal day today to try to sleep, rest, rejuv and try to get myself together together enough so I can just show up...suit up and show up. I woke up so miserable this morning thoughand the thought of just getting ready, driving the hour and half + to work seemed too overwhelming.

I am feeling sad and exhausted. No motivation at all. And under that i am feeling incredible resentment and frustration and helf hatred.

I am so so tired. I thought i beat this with T1. Yet, sadly, here I am. Again.

Thanks for reading xx

Sending warm thoughts and hugs Rose....wish that could possibly help. I'm so sorry your suffering has grown worse once again. Oh my God it's so hard when you find yourself slipping again....been there so many times myself. I pray that some comfort comes your way as soon as possible..... ps....Hope you are able to get some rejuvenating rest.

[regretful]

Hi Rose,

I made no progress with the first therapist. In fact, she spent more time looking out the window than at me. Medication worked the first time; I stopped it (under medical supervision), then tried again but it didn't work. Now, I'm on to a new therapist and a new medication. Glad you were able to take a personal day. I know what you mean about triggering events...I have one every morning that I awake. Sleep seems to be the only peace that I get...Never give up. I do hope that tomorrow is better.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

...driving the hour and half + to work...
I am forced to face major humiliations and triggers simply by being in the office.

Every day you drive 1.5 hours one-way to a workplace where you are subject to "major humiliations and triggers" -- if that isn't a recipe for demotivation and depression I don't know what is!

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

It has begun to represent more pain than joy.

It has just begun to be a pain?! Strength and more strength to you, Rose Panachée.

((((Whim)))) ((((Ro)))) tnx

((((Regretful))))

So I made it thru the day. I rested and mostly slept. I still feel this enormous weight on me and feeling that i am slowly dying inside. My brother is in town for only 2 days but i just cannot see him. He doesn't believe in depression. And i just dont have the energy to fake that i am fine for him.

I hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning that I have at least the energy and motivation to get up and out the door. For that excrutiatingly slow drive on the 405.

Another one of the horrible things about depression is that i have no appetite at all. Which of course does nothing to help the energy issue...

Hoping tomorrow will be a better day. This cant last forever...

[regretful]

Good to hear that you made it through the day. Depression and low energy is so tough to deal with, and I know what you mean about the lack of appetite. I can't really remember the last time I've had a full meal that I enjoyed. I wish you well on that drive. I lived in CA briefly and drove on the 405 a few times. Maybe if you have a book on CD to listen to it will make the drive a little less painful...best wishes.

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

So I made it thru the day. I rested and mostly slept. I still feel this enormous weight on me and feeling that i am slowly dying inside. My brother is in town for only 2 days but i just cannot see him. He doesn't believe in depression. And i just dont have the energy to fake that i am fine for him.

I hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning that I have at least the energy and motivation to get up and out the door. For that excrutiatingly slow drive on the 405.

Another one of the horrible things about depression is that i have no appetite at all. Which of course does nothing to help the energy issue...

Hoping tomorrow will be a better day. This cant last forever...

I am starting to feel better. thankfully! With the help of my friends here on PC, support, great feedback, etc. AND the fact that a guy scared the holy c***! out of me yesterday on the elevator...

In a split second, I literally went from depressed, to stunned, and then anxious.

I think I would rather feel anxious than depressed. At least when I am anxious, I feel...something...other than miserable and exhausted.

Frankly, I'd like my life to feel just even...not too hot / not too cold.

Nice.

[happiedasiy]

Dear Rose,
You are not alone, while I am depressed I cant eat.
Sometimes this will last for a few days untill my body is so weak I cant go to the market due to lack of strength/energy. Try and get a jar of penut butter. A few tablespoons or I will get a bannana. A bannana is easy to get down compared to a meal and also starts to give me enough energy to motivate myself into doing something positive.
H.

Rose (((HUGS))),
Thats the worst feelings isn't it??? When you pretend you are okay for other people...well I am glad you took a ME day and took proper care of you. Pretending to be okay can be more exhausting than anything depression can throw at you! I have days in work where the tears just fall down my face and I have to turn away from people so they don't see them or run to the toilet and wait until they go so I can resurface again. It sounds rediculous to people who don't understand and I spend most of my life protecting the people around me so they don't have to understand. Can you ring your t2 and ask for a sooner appt?? I mean it is an emergency, your brother is in town and its omportant for you to feel ok enough to see him.

((((button)))) yes, it's exhausting (especially because my family doesn't believe in my Dx. They just think I am a histrionic, selfish, B)

Unfortunately, T2 is not available at all outside of our appt time I actually didn't get to see my brother. He was only here for 2 days and went back to NY already. I was too depressed to see him.

Nobody IRL knows of my Dx except for my Pdoc (although I'm not sure he remembers), T1 and T2 (and whomever they've told at the Practice).

I just realized, I've never come right out and said to anyone, "Hey. I have c-PTSD".

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

I am starting to feel better. thankfully! With the help of my friends here on PC, support, great feedback, etc. AND the fact that a guy scared the holy c***! out of me yesterday on the elevator...

In a split second, I literally went from depressed, to stunned, and then anxious.

I think I would rather feel anxious than depressed. At least when I am anxious, I feel...something...other than miserable and exhausted.

Frankly, I'd like my life to feel just even...not too hot / not too cold.

Nice.

Yaaaayyyy!!!

[Big Mama]

Hey. I'm sorry to hear you are going threw a stressfull time. You have been such a help and inspiration to keep going. I wish there was something I could do for you. I always tell my brother in law. You know I love you (like my own little brother) and I have no money, I don't have anything to offer. All I can give you is my love, my friendship, a listening ear and prayers. The same goes for you.

I CAN GIVE YOU MY LOVE, MY FRIENDSHIP, MY LISTENING EAR AND MY PRAYERS.

All you gotta do is ask. Feel free to PM me. I will be praying for you. For patience and internal peace to face the day, to face challanges that may come your way, and the ability to accept what god sends you.

[shezbut]

((((Rose))))

I grew up in SoCal, I know the area that you're dealing with pretty well. The traffic there is so stressful in itself! I can't imagine driving back and forth through that daily. UGH! Are you pretty much stuck with this one company, or are there others like it elsewhere?

I can really relate to what you're going through ~ most of can...right? Otherwise, we wouldn't be here crying to one another. I have a bf IRL but he does NOT understand my state of mind. Doesn't understand the problems that I've had in the past or present, so I feel worse than alone. While he is occasionally able to get me out of my funk, I end up feeling guilty. Either I drank to loosen up or spent money that I don't have to cheer myself up. Neither are healthy! Back to more self-hate and kicking. Bad cycle continues.

I wish that I could help you feel a little better ~ I really wish that I could think of something! My mind is just like oatmeal right now, big pile of mush. Just wanted you to know that I do care about you & wish that you weren't suffering so badly. Gentle hugs to you....