[kvinneakt]

I am so disappointed that you all so quickly dismiss me when I get a bit cranky.

What is this place? Is it only to ask for and get punctuation mark hugs?

If someone pokes open a festering sore of issues with Christmas it becomes forbidden to deal with it? and the someone who started it?

I came here before when down and out and it seemed to be more helpful. I guess it (I) am different now.

wtf

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{Kvinn}}}}}}}}}}

I am a bit lost here.....where are you dismissed? I thought it was good how you shared your feelings of Christmas and some were able to share as well.

I will keep sending you hugs whether you want them or not too . I am only teasing you but you know that I care about you.


Heather

[kvinneakt]

I don't know. I am feeling very small, confused and inadequate. I have most likely got everything all mixed up.

I think I should call the doctor about going back on meds because things are not working out too well and it seems I am not up to the task on my own.

so i sit here typing.. typing. wtf for.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{kvinn}}}}}}}}}}

I think it would be a good idea hun to call your doctor. When something isn't working it is time to make a change.

We are all here for you remember that ok? I have a lot of admiration and respect for you and I know that so many others do too. Keep posting ok?


Heather

[mj14]

kv, I am so sad that you feel you have been ostracized. And I'm sorry for anything I might have done to contribute to that feeling. I personally value your "crankiness"...too much agreement leads to complacency, I think. Unfortunately, one of my issues is that I tend to need a lot of time to formulate a reply to things, and I can easily get discouraged and give up when threads veer off in other directions.

But I would hate to see you leave again, because I really have missed your contribution. So I promise I'm going to work really, really hard to be more conscientious about replying when a post (yours or anyone's) gets my brain working. And I truly hope you don't give up on this site, and keep writing those posts that make me think, and even challenge me a little.

mj

[kvinneakt]

Thanks, Heather. I guess a little hand holding is a good thing and this is a good place for it.

I don't know why I feel so fkd up lately. Nothing bad has happened. I have big travel plans that should get me pumped up. But all I want to do is waste time on internet, read, and sleep. Going to work is a huge pain in the ***, but it is undemanding and better than sitting at home alone.

There has to be more to life than this. I hope so.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[kvinneakt]

Thanks for replying mj. As I said to Heather, I don't know wtf is going on, but it is feeling like a heaviness that won't shake off.

I must make a Dr appt before even that gets too hard to do. Today. I will do this. maybe.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[Peanut61]

Hi ((((Kvinn)))): I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly; I have felt like you have before, (generally speaking - not on the computor), and it's often my depression and this time of the year. I really look forward to your posts so I hope you don't leave either; you ARE important to us here! With much affection and respect, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[kvinneakt]

An omen. I called Kaiser mental health. There was an appointment for today at 10, or Jan 13. I took the Jan 13. Then I called back and changed it to today at 10. I guess it will be back on the damn pills, thank GOD. I guess. I hope.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[dexter]

Geez I must have missed something, what happened? I know there was a little tension in the xmas thread, is that still going on? (Don't answer that, best to just let that pass if necessary).

I hope you don't feel ostracized or at least you DON'T STOP POSTING HERE! I really value your posts.

On your other points, I would definitely try to talk to your doc! Sounds like a very classic "bout" of depression, unable to enjoy plans you've made, no motivation, etc. And anything here that might have upset you would be multiplied 1000x when clouded by depression.

So unless it is really really upsetting you (and I hope that it isn't) now might be the most important time to stick around here, as a source of support while you figure out what is going on. It definitely sounds like something is going on.



Good luck

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[heatherm]

Where are you heading for your trip? Let us know how you make out at the doctor's ok?

Hand holding is always available here kvinn.....always remember that.


Heather

[kvinneakt]

Oh, man......

I am back, against dr's orders. She wanted me to get hospitalized. I said no. She wanted me to at least take time off work. I agreed. But here I am at work. Denial is a wonderful thing. I cope by going thru the motions. Pretending all is ok seems to work fairly well. Got new prescriptions; seraquil?? and remeron.

I guess I really need this place, too. Even when it provokes the hell out of me, it is a pretty darn good place.

Thanks for listening.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{kvinn}}}}}}}}

I am glad you were able to see her. Maybe you should consider taking some time off....let the meds take some effect and see how things go.

We are always here for you....vent and post all you need and want.


Heather

[Sam]

Ostracized? Sam chases KV around the room with a box of wet noodles - that'll teach em! ... LOL

I don't think anyone has dismissed you - I know I certainly haven't. The hugs are nice but hey, they only go so far and even then, are only as meaninful as the person giving them are to you.

But still, I've learned that honey and sugar takes one lots farther than vinegar and spice, even if the spice livens things up somewhat. And it is a good thing if we don't always agree or think alike - and just because we may or may not agree on something doesn't mean we can't like the other person.

I'm sorry, but I didn't read any of the Christmas thread - I'm not sure as to why, but once I learned there were tensions, I just simply decided not to. I guess maybe, I just didn't want to see good people in an arguement. It seems like someone always say's something they really didn't mean, or something that is taken different from what the authour intended.

But KV? You're a heck of a nice guy, really. I for one am glad to know you. And, I have noticed a more uptight KV of late - so I figured something was up. I'm glad you went to see your doctor. I'd like to see you feeling better and I know you would like it.

I have to agree - this is a great place, but it is so because of the people, and KV? You're one of them. It's good to think, and yes, I'll admit, sometimes it is good not to think (it always hurts when I think).

And I'm sure those wet noodles didn't hurt you too badly, although it would probably have been a fuuny thing had anyone seen us.

(((((KV)))))

Your friend Sam (who thinks - all these people taking trips and no one ever invites me. Don't they know I carry luggar well???) hahaha ... just kidding with you - Have a GREAT trip and as they say - don't do anything I wouldn't do <smile>

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."

[heatherm]

::::Heather is peeking out from under the couch so she doesn't get hit with a wet noodle::::

{{{{{{{{{Sam}}}}}}}}}}

How are you doing? How is your week going?


Heather

[kvinneakt]

I just did not see it coming. WHAM! Like someone sneaking up behind you slipping on a full nelson. Or wrapping a garrote wire around your neck.

I should have better read the signs. When I was home with a cold, I was clearly depressed and attributed it to the cold thinking it would go away. It slipped into a subtler mode.

Evil people on the bus. People on the bus were getting much lower and despicable. I rationally know that is not true, but that is my perception. This has happened before when depression hits. At least I have caught it before I start getting hallucinations of evil auras around places. That is one thing to be missed.

Other signs I have had in the past were absent. No rumination and no morning music hallucinations as I wake up. Those have always been clear signposts in the past.

I rode my bike to work today. It is not raining and the forecast is nice. It seemed like a good day for some exercise. Bad idea. When I ride the bus to work, I get absorbed into reading a novel. Riding the bike lets my mind wander and it wandered into some slimy swamps of suicical ideation. (I know you are not supposed to use the "s" word here. Holy *****! If you can use it here, in a depression forum, then wtf is this place?) Like walking in a shoe sucking swamp, once that thinking starts, it can't be turned off.

Last night I took a half dose of seroquil (? I forget the name) KapOW! Profound physical sleepiness. It strangely does not stop the mental chatter and twisting painful feelings like Xanax does. Or drinking for that matter.

This is more a journal entry than a letter to anyone. What a bizarre thing to do, post a journal of mental illness on the web for anyone to read. Aren't these things supposed to be private?

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

<center>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kvinn}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</center>

If not here, where?

I'm rooting for ya! You're gonna make it.

"For unto us a Son is given..."

[kvinneakt]

wtf. Now I am replying to myself.

Just got back from Christmas breakfast with my work group.

could barely hold it together without exploding.

Thank God I have one friend at work. What a huge help that is.

The rest, I cannot trust them further than I can spit. Actually I can trust them, to take every advantage and opportunity to press their agenda by walking over anyone else.

At least i have an income. I cannot call it a job, or work, as there is very little to do most of the time. All I have to do is sit here and endure 8 1/2 hours a day, 5 days a week, watching the clock turn so so slowly. I think prison time might be a bit like this.

I have not felt so ****** for a long time. going off meds for a few months might have been a bad idea.

babble babble babble babble

why bother

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

Ah, c'mon, Kvinn! Lighten up!

Maybe next time you think of going off your meds, you'll think twice. You were feeling ok because of the meds!

Your present perspective is very colored by your depression. Keep telling yourself that things aren't as bad as they seem.

Now that you're back on meds, you'll be feeling better... um... after the initial side effects wear off. Just accept it and it will go easier for you. It's a small tunnel you have to get through, that's all.

Babble all you want. It helps, too.



"For unto us a Son is given..."

[kvinneakt]

"Lighten up"? Geez! Is it that easy for you?

sorry. don't bite the hand that feeds you.

I am feeling a bit better as the day opens up.

In the old days, when in the pit, the day would start out ok and go downhill. I recall the doc saying that was atypical. It must be more ordinary now, starting out bad, then getting slowly a bit better.

Criminey! I had forgotten how ugly it can be.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

Kvinneakt,

I'm sorry that you are not feeling too good lately. Maybe making a list of some of the signs that depression is sneaking up on you again is a good idea - then you know what to watch for next time. I know what you mean, as it happens to me too. I went through another depressive episode last month, and it started with going off of my St John's Wort. One week my T was telling me how good I was doing and then asking if the change of seasons was having an effect on me (seasonal affective disorder - he was also saying to expect the effect to be most likely to show up in January through March). I thought I was doing pretty good too - I felt fine. Then I got stupid and didn't take my SJW for a week. I can't figure out why I did that, but now that I'm doing better again it's starting to seem silly that I have to keep taking this stuff. I promised my T I wouldn't stop again though, and have to make an effort to at least remember that I promised. Anyway, there are signs that depression is sneaking up on me:

- I get irritable, and am likely to yell at people and get frustrated easily.
- Little things that ordinarily wouldn't be a big deal turn into a big deal.
- I think that people don't like me, or even are out to get me.
- I become mistrustful of people who are usually my friends.
- I get overwhelmed with all the things I need to get done.
- I stop caring about getting things done and think it's just hopeless anyway.
- I don't bother with going to bed - I have too much that I can't get done during the day and think that I might get more done at night.
- I'm too tired to get up in the morning and sleep in later and later.
- I forget to feed the sheep, water the plants, and do other routine chores.
- I don't care about eating (except for chocolate). I might be heard making the statement, "If it isn't chocolate it isn't worth eating."
- If I have a knitting project in progress, not much gets done on it even if I'm carrying it around constantly.
- No knitting projects in progress.
- Maybe it's been a few days since I picked up an instrument and played a song.
- I might think about a song I like to sing and decide that I don't feel like singing it.
- Talking slowly and quietly; stuttering

Wow, that's a lot more than I thought I was going to be able to think of. Any or all of these might be happening while I think I'm doing okay, but within a day or two I'll be significantly depressed. Since my latest goal is to work on getting out of that hole faster when I get there, maybe I ought to start trying to climb whenever any of these signs start happening. The problem is, at the beginning of an episode even if I do notice the signs, somehow at that point I want to get into that hole and hide, and I want to remember what that depth feels like again. I might actually stop taking SJW in order to facilitate that happening. But then I get stuck and it gets miserable, but I can't remember that that's going to happen.

Kvinneakt, I'm also amazed at how open I have gotten on this forum. It isn't like me at all to tell people stuff like this. I know what you mean about the suicidal ideation too - once I let my mind wander there, I keep thinking about it. My T asked me if I actually visualized going through with it (which I did last month) and said that there is a part of you that doesn't distinguish between thoughts and reality and so actually believes that that I did it now. Does that explain the more dead than alive feeling?

Tossing you a rope to help pull you out of that hole,
Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[kvinneakt]

What a wonderful letter you wrote, Rapunzel. Thank for for spending so much time. Your list has some familiar items on it, or very similar. Let me think..

Talking slowly and thickly, like my tongue is fat and my saliva pasty - my mother does this and I HATE it.
Ruminating - things done wrong or not done.
Forgetting things - really gone, like amnesia. Someone might refer to a recent conversation and I do not recall it at all. Or other things. At least I can save money and re-read old books.
Music in my head when I wake up. I have actually been able to play some later on my fiddle, but all are forgotten now. Mostly they are very clear acoustic hallucinations of 60's rock, when I was a teen.
People get weird, scary, ugly looking.
Places, like certain houses, get evil auras that I don't see, but can feel.
Struggle with tasks that involve sequences of events.
Walking slowly.
Insomnia, but craving to hide out in bed and fearing it for the long miserable nights.
Crabbiness, although I don't really percieve it, I get feedback from others that it true.
High anxiety, esp in the evening.
No appetite until I eat, then I can't stop.
Sick, twisting, wringing sensation that feels physical, but is mental and has no focal point.

It seems this list became more than just prodrome stuff. It jsut sneaked up on me and grabbed on tight this time around. I don't know what I could have done different.

Oh. Gotta go. My p-doc just called to check up on me and I am going to find a private place to call back.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

Hey, Kvinn....

<center></center>

hehehe I'm just razzin' ya. No, it's not that easy. Thought maybe a little humor might help.



"For unto us a Son is given..."

[kvinneakt]

Oh, man....

She still wants me to check into the hospital for a few days of "day treatment" whatever the heck that is. I convinced her I am going to wait it out for a couple weeks and see what goes.

You folks are going to be my life line until this storm passes.

Never mention the S word to a shrink!

I wish I could talk about the things I have been thinking about, that way, here. Verboten!

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[mj14]

kv, I was in "day treatment", and you might want to consider it. You spend the day in therapy, but then you go home for the night. The one thing that is a big advantage is that you have very regular contact with the doctor, so they can monitor your meds better.

Anyway, it was a huge help for me when I was in a very bad place.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

mj