[LMo]

This is something I haven't seen discussed at all during the past year I've been on this board.

In what ways do your families or loved ones help you with your depression? Have they done anything particularly supportive that you would like to share?

What advice would you give to others who have depressed people in their lives?

What do your husbands/wives do to help themselves cope? It is a very helpless feeling, seeing your loved one suffer with depression. Do they have any healthy ways of dealing with it?

Looking for the positives, here.

Thanks all!

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[jennie]

my husband LISTENS; that's supportive. that's my advice, to LISTEN.

my husband copes by saying to himself "I remember I love her."

<font color=purple> Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth. Jean-Paul Sartre </font color=purple>

[dexter]

The only living family I have is extremely toxic to my well being, sanity and health.

I'm doing this alone.

Very difficult, with no physical or emotional support.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[LadyDragus]

my fiancee helps me by talking to me.
by asking what is wrong, and then actually listeing to me.
He also brings me flowers when I am really blue..
He has sufferd with deperssion for all his life.
But we are beating it together..

He is a very loving person and I am overjoyed having him in my life.
He also helps me by just being there to hold me, when I cry for no apperant reson.

He deals with it, by hitting it head on. Not letting it get me down to far.. (or at least he trys.. )

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{LMo}}}}}}}}}}

Good topic to bring up.....I have to say that those I do share with understand by knowledge. There is always that stigma attached to depression...when I would tell anyone they would say "gosh you seem happy though" or "can't you just snap out of it?". When you have knowledge about what depression is...it is easier to understand.

A couple of my really closest friends read various information on depression as well as panic/anxiety disorder since I suffer with that as well. That helped them and made us even closer as they "know" me more than they did before. My brother (who I am extremely close to) suffers as well so him and I share something else that we can talk and learn from each other too.

My bf has been supportive to me...we use laughter which helps me....him and I share the same sense of humour and that has helped me more than I can explain.

It really helps to know that you are not alone....that to me is such a good feeling.


Heather

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life - it goes on."
~~Robert Frost

[dexter]

>>when I would tell anyone they would say "gosh you seem happy though" or "can't you just snap out of it?". When you have knowledge about what depression is...it is easier to understand.

I had a lot of understanding about depression and bipolar because I did a lot of research on it when I discovered I had several friends suffering from bipolar disorder. Knowing how misunderstood it was, I wanted to know as much as I could so that I could offer some understanding and support when they needed it.

Even so I was completely unprepared for the blow I've taken being that I now suffer from severe clinical depression. I am completely unable to work or function, and I have been home from work for about 3 months now with little improvement.

Having someone close to you who not only understands but has been there must be so beneficial to helping you get through. For those who don't have someone close who "knows", places like this one in addition to group therapy and local support groups fill a real need.

For people who have someone close to them who just doesn't "get it", i.e. they want to help but think that encouraging you to "snap out of it" is helping, I wrote something recently to try to make clear the difference between just feeling sad and suffering from clinical depression. I have been trying to revise it recently but the most recent finished version is available at http://www.idexter.com

[kvinneakt]

Dave,

That is a superb document! It should be posted as a permanent reference on this site.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[LMo]

Dexter - this is really good - I downloaded it and will read it when I get back to the hotel. The intro was excellent, though.

I have read some other really good books; maybe you'd like to share some of them with your friends:
- Depression Fallout - Anne Sheffield (my boyfriend said that this one is the most accurate from his perspective)
- I Don't want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression - Terrence Real
- Men and Depression: What to Do When the Man You Care About Is Depressed - Theresa Francis-Cheung, Robin Grey
- What to Do When Someone You Love Is Depressed - Mitch Golant, Susan K. Golant

Thanks again Dexter - I will read your paper tonight!

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[survivor1]

I was so relieved to read your post. My fiance and I both suffer from depression as well. He has had it most of his adult life, I am experiencing my 3rd episode currently. I started to wonder if two people with depression can make it together, it's good to know we can. Not that I doubt my relationship with HIM - he is wonderful, we are best friends, love each other very much and have been together for 4 years. It's just that it's so hard right now and I know it's hard on him too, then that makes me even more anxious because I know it's making him sad, etc. When I am feeling well, we are wonderful. But when I'm not, and the depression creeps up, I start picking at little things that irritate me, etc.and getting mad. When I am feeling well, we really never fight at all. Sorry I'm just unloading here - I'm so scared right now and I know I'll be ok, because this isn't my first time experiencing depression. But it's SO HARD to explain to people - my family is pretty good about researching/understanding, but trying to explain why I've missed work, etc. is really difficult and anxiety provoking. Thanks for anyone who listens/responds - I really needed to talk to someone right now.

[LadyDragus]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}}}}}
1. Have you seeked medical adivce for your deperssion
that is the first question I will ask..
Feel free to Pm if you want ok.
I will glady tell you more if you need someone ok.
or make a new theard and I will reply to you ok.

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[kimberley]

No one else in my family knows but like someone else had said, my bf and I use laughter a lot. He suffers from depression and it can be hard sometimes for the both of us but we are lucky, when we are really down we just hop on the subway thingy here and go to San Francisco, the change of scenery helps wonders

[Rapunzel]

LMo,

That is a really good question. Unfortunately, it brings out my bad attitude. My family? They are the ones who made me like this and did everything possible to make sure I was pushed back down into the hole whenever I tried to climb out. My mother doesn't know how to relate to anybody unless they have a problem and she gets to take care of them. (Co-dependent). My sister followed Mom's lead when we were teenagers. Out of the six children in my family of origin, 4 have received treatment for depression. Sometimes it could get to be like a competition - who can have the worst problem and be worthy of getting help. It's not that bad now - most of us grew up, and nobody disputes that the winner of that competition is my brother who is also schizophrenic, not counting the youngest sister who has Down Syndrome, and Mom has plenty to deal with between the two of them and has been able to let go of the rest of us a little.

Okay, now I can get into a few positive things. Two of my sisters and I are finally starting to be able to talk about it a little bit, and the one who followed Mom's example when we were teenagers became a pdoc and since I started opening up to her a little this year she has been much more supportive than I ever thought she would be. Being able to talk about it to someone who understands is really helpful. Someone who even makes an effort to understand also helps.

My husband is finally realizing that I've had a real problem all along (he used to try to minimize it and tell me that there wasn't anything wrong with me, and that doesn't help). The thing that he is doing now that is good is he is recognizing when I'm getting close to the edge and can't take any more (of a situation, criticism either from him or someone else, etc.) and trying to stop things like that before I go over the edge. The awareness means a lot to me. Another thing is, he has always kind-of used me as a therapist, and would go on and on about what was bothering him for 2 or 3 hours, and I tried to deal with it but when it is issues that I'm involved in especially, eventually I get to a breaking point. I've told him we need to limit sessions like that to half an hour or an hour at the most, and he tries to remember that. He's a counselor himself by profession, but really doesn't listen as well as he thinks he does, at least not to me. If I try to talk to him about things he always makes it about him or jumps in with solutions and really doesn't give me a chance to say what I want to say. So having or developing listening skills would really help.

Sorry, this isn't very positive. My family really hasn't been helpful generally, but maybe counterexamples will help someone at least know what not to do. Maybe I shouldn't have answered this right now - I'm worried about someone and I guess it is starting to bring me down some even though I thought I was doing okay. But I guess this is a sore issue for me too, as I always wished that my family were more helpful.

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[survivor1]

Thanks so much for your response and the cyber hug! Yes, I am currently on Prozac - about 3 1/2 weeks now. I have not been to counseling yet, but it is a goal for this week to make my appointment. My anxiety is so high right now, it's really hard to get things done. Don't mean to sound stupid, but how do I private message you?

[LadyDragus]

You go into Profile and messages and it will show you how to send a Private message

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[dexter]

I updated my paper on depression

available at the same url http://www.idexter.com

[LMo]

Dexter - I read your (updated) paper and want to commend you - it is really excellent. You did a fantastic job and you write exceptionally well.

I'm glad you included a few points about taking care of oneself. I've been living with my boyfriend's pretty severe depression for about 2.5 years (of the 4 we have been together). I've been really active in a support group for family members, have heard the stories of hundreds of others by now, and now that my boyfriend's situation has improved, I can finally think with a clear head. I'm only now coming to realize a few things:

- depression is a family illness; it affects everyone involved. There is a lot of research, treatment, and support for people who suffer from depression, but much less for the family members who are directly affected. Mood swings are common, and although it's great if you are strong enough to not be affected by your loved one's moods, it's really not that easy. Family members, especially if children are involved, really should seek support for themselves.

- depression is a bit contagious; hard to feel great about anything when the person you love feels awful and the stress of worrying about them can be very overwhelming.

- the stigma of depression? The family members feel it, too. I can't tell you how many times someone has asked me whether my boyfriend has found a job yet, and after explaining that he is ill and can't work, I get the "Sugar Momma" comment. The same people that tell depressed people to "snap out of it" or to "stop being so lazy" ALSO assume that the people who support the depressed are enablers or enjoy the power. I cannot begin to tell you how much that hurts, to feel so misunderstood.

- it is very common, almost universal (in my support group) for the families of depressed people to feel emotionally neglected in some of the following ways:
----- As some of you have mentioned on this board, sex feels like a chore when you don't feel good about yourself -- and it is completely understandable, but sex is a way to connect and to feel intimate with your partner. So although we understand why you don't want to, it's hard not to wonder if it's because of the depression or whether we should take it personally.
----- Also, it's hard to celebrate your own success with someone who feels like they continuously fail, so we try to downplay them, but of course it hurts to not hear "I'm proud of you".
----- We have talked here about pushing our loved ones away when feeling very depressed. It doesn't feel good to be pushed away, but we intellectualize that it's only because of the depression, not anything personal... but many of us (spouses/significant others) become so used to being pushed away and/or focusing on the depressed person's problems that our standards for what we can expect to receive in what should be an equal, team relationship are reduced to rock bottom.
----- Many of us in the other support group feel grateful for even scraps of affection, or a sincere question about how WE are feeling, because for many of us, it doesn't happen very often (actually, I think my boyfriend is an exception to that rule - even at his lowest, he has always been very affectionte and I really appreciate it).

- and how to deal with the resentment when your spouse/significant other suffers from depression, but feels it is hopeless to get treatment? Or doesn't follow the medical advice, or wants to go off medications that work because they "feel better"? All the education about "Depression, The Illness" does not lessen the frustration. It feels like a cancer patient refusing radiation -- yes, they naturally want to avoid the negative side effects and no, there is no guarantee that they will be cured, but at the same time, they have a chance to control the illness that is eating them away, but they won't take it and you can't make them. Frustrating.

I'm a little nervous about posting this because I hope I'm not inspiring guilt among my friends here. That is NOT my intent, so if any of you are upset about what I wrote, please let me know and I will remove it. It's just that for a long time I felt really alone, very stigmatized myself, scared, stressed, and during most of the dark periods (especially this summer), I placed so much emphasis on helping my boyfriend and being scared that he was suicidal that I really stopped paying attention to myself. I had a little meltdown of my own this past fall. I don't know how I could have prevented it, either -- I did all of the textbook things the experts said to do -- exercise, maintain a social life, do things just for myself -- but the fear never went away. I was just going through the motions. And for many of the spouses/significant others in my other support group, the story is exactly the same.

I realize that for some of you, your spouse/significant other is the SOURCE of your bad feelings. So obviously, what I have written above does not apply.

I can't believe I just wrote all that. I guess it's been on my mind. For my friends here, things ARE much better for me at home now, and I guess now that I'm not so overwhelmed, I can read the posts and stories of other people in my situation and realize that my feelings were very common. But I guess I'm telling YOU this is because some of your family members might feel the same way I do.

Again, if I have upset anybody, please accept my apologies and let me know if you would like me to remove my post.

LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{LMo}}}}}}}}}}}

I have re-read what you wrote since we talked through pm and I have to say even more that I am very proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to say how you feel...so many of us here can learn from you. Thank you.

Please remember that we are always here for you.


Heather

[LMo]

Thanks Heather - you rock, as always!

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[survivor1]

LMo,
I can especially appreciate your post as I have been on both sides of depression. My fiance and I are both currently on medication for depression - me for a major depressive episode, him for Dysthymic Disorder (he has been depressed his whole adult life).

I have seen in the faces of my fiance, family, and friends the frustration and fear that accompanies my depressive episodes. I understand their fear because I appear to be a different person when I'm going through them - extremely irritable, mad, crying all the time, jealous, etc. Far different from the "normal" me - upbeat, positive, loving, laid back. I know that must be frightening. At those times I just want to cry out "I'm still me! I'm still in here, but I can't get out! I don't want to be this way!!"

I understand all too well the other side as I have watched my fiance just lay around day after day and not do anything but read or watch tv. Our sex life suffered as well - and I really didn't realize for the longest time what was going on and I kept thinking it was me and that maybe the spark had died since we moved in together. I also went to a counseling session with him once and it broke my heart to see him in so much pain. But mostly it was painful to hear him say over and over how he needed to do something, but never did it, then got frustrated with himself and called himself a loser, etc. To watch him start to feel better, do more, then cycle back into giving up and just laying around was really difficult. And, of course, the times he cried were the worst. It really is a helpless feeling to watch someone you love suffer from something like this.

Well, I just wanted to share my thoughts on the subject. And again, thank you for posting! I don't think anyone would get mad at you for expressing your opinion - it is clear you have been hurt by this illness as well.

[LMo]

Survivor, I think we're engaged to the same guy!

Thanks for sharing your story. Especially the part about wanting to tell your family that the "normal" you is "still inside but can't get out". That's what has kept me in my relationship. I know that he doesn't want to be this way, but he's very STUCK and is really struggling. You put it in a way that was very clear and easy to understand - thanks - that reinforces my resolve - thank you.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this with him. The crying IS the worst, I agree. Helpless is exactly how I feel. It's awful to see somebody who is so great feel so crappy about himself.

I guess the reason I was worried about posting is because I know how sensitive my boyfriend is -- he already feels majorly guilty about the fact that he hasn't worked, doesn't accomplish much, and that I've been picking up the slack. One of the things I find myself doing when he is having a Down Day is that I walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off in a crying or anger rage. He is much more sensitive and irritable when he feels bad, even though he is normally very laid back. Sometimes here, on this forum, there are a few people who give me the same "feeling" -- that I have to walk on eggshells unless I want to deal with getting publicly flamed when they misunderstand something because they are feeling hypersensitive and are irritable. It drains me of emotional energy.

Ok, I've rambled enough. Thanks again Survivor and I wish you the best -- please let me know if you'd like to talk more.

LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[dexter]

LMo I'm glad you have such a good perspective on this. It is difficult. I was on "the other side of the fence" for many years but never imagined how deep this is until I began suffering myself.

>>that I have to walk on eggshells unless I want to deal with getting publicly flamed when they misunderstand something because they are feeling hypersensitive and are irritable

There are so many aspects of depression that are "ironic" in the sense that they work directly against recovery. I know that a lot of the anger and paranioa that I feel now is a part of the depression. It is unfortunate that those aspects sometimes impose themselves here, and sometimes even in "live" support groups. In group therapy sessions the therapist usually quickly "diffuses" things like that by making both sides realize what is at the heart of there comments and validating them. In support groups it is up to the members to try to be careful not to offend and not to be offended. Sometimes that is difficult. I am glad that you do get (or so it seems) some benefit from places like this. And the fact that you have found support groups for family members is a big plus, hopefully you can "safely" vent some of those frustrations there. I do think it is good for us to know about them though as a reminder that many times the way we feel and the "mask" we show to the world doesn't match at all even though we may not realize it. I spent a long period of time angry at friends who wouldn't "get" that I was having a problem, while at the same time working very hard and very effectively at hiding all signs of the problem.

P.S. thank you for the compliment on my paper. hope others also find it useful

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[LMo]

<blockquote><font size=1>In reply to:</font><hr>

I spent a long period of time angry at friends who wouldn't "get" that I was having a problem, while at the same time working very hard and very effectively at hiding all signs of the problem.

<hr></blockquote>

oh wow Dexter -- that was big! I'm going to have to wrap my head around that one.

Definitely found the paper to be helpful. Do you have plans to publish it formally, or is it okay to give people the URL?

Thanks again,
LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[dexter]

Please feel free to distribute the url. Anyone who might find it helpful is welcome.

>>oh wow Dexter -- that was big! I'm going to have to wrap my head around that one.

for a long period of time i stopped calling people (part of the isolation of depression) and even would be very evasive when they did call. I know i really gave the impression as if i didn't want anyone to call. then i sat back angry at everyone for not calling. IOW setting up a "test" that I knew they would fail and then being angry that they did fail. Sort of my own bizarro universe version of the "Kobiyashi Maru" . In my case in large part this was intentional because i wanted to "insulate" people from what I "knew" was my ultimate plan. I have been planning and preparing for several years. It was the night that things got so bad that I was ready to go through with it that i surprized myself by calling a hotline and checking into the hospital instead.

One thing that bothers me now is that I knew that i was doing that and i knew it was unhealthy, and one of the main changes i made when i went into the hospital was to "come clean" and admit that to everyone, let them know what was really going on, and make an effort to keep in touch after i got out of the hospital. i was really good with that, i called friends regularly (didn't wait for them to call) and tried to be honest. i also had a lot of people to call so i didn't feel i was "overburdening" anyone and it was ok if they couldn't talk or didn't feel like talking, i always had someone else to call. they all were very appreciative that i told them what was going on. they all wanted to help and to stay in touch. i felt good about embarking on this fight against depression, rather than going through with my original plan, because i felt i had a lot of understanding and some support. for the most part that seems to have completely vanished. people don't return my calls or my emails. i have no problem with people who don't have time to visit (whether they really don't have time or whether they are uncomfortable visiting) but on several occasions they have promised to come and then didn't show up. i just don't understand that. in the past i have ALWAYS gone out of my way to be there for friends, i've missed work, didn't finish school because of this, but i did it because it was a choice about the kind of person i wanted to be. i never expected anything in return but i did always think that i would have support when i needed it. and now i do. and apparently i misjudged the way the world works. karma-free. or else i have bad karma and i;ve been lying to myself and this really is the bed i've made for myself.

i watched "wonderful life" the other day and its always been one of my fav movies but now the end is so painful because i don't seem to have resources like that. not that people should be swarming here to give me money or even getting together in a big display of affection. my friends are all good people but their priorities are all with their own families and in their own lives. as much as people tell me that they appreciate the sacrifices of time, money and emotion that i've made there is no one who has the resources to share any of that with me. i'm loved by everyone but not "special" to anyone even to the extent that they can share a little with me, even if i don't have someone in my life who can give me a lartge share of their attention.

at some point here i started babbling again. i've been out fo bed for awhile probably should go eat and tak emy meds.

thanks again everyone. maybe soon i'll share some of my interestnng "war stories" about some of the people who ahve been in my life.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[survivor1]

I hope we're not engaged to the same guy...I was hoping to be his ONLY wife! he he

You are so welcome - I'm glad something I said was helpful to you! I can tell you this - if I had never suffered from depression, I would not be able to understand it either. It's really hard to comprehend the mind can cause so much pain and turmoil to the point someone cannot function. Unfortunately, it really can happen and it is frightening to be in the holds of it.

It's really weird because after my last episode a couple of years ago, once I was on medication and feeling back to "normal" I asked my fiance and some friends "what did it look like from the outside?". It just seemed strange to me that I was even functioning at all, much less ever smiling or laughing. That was my big question - "did I laugh?" They said, yes, of course you did and joked around, etc. The differences they noticed were that I was much more irritable than normal, slept much more often, and seemed to isolate myself from them. They said I was mad a lot and could tell my thinking became distorted because I would get mad over things I normally wouldn't think twice about or would just joke around about. All I remember is a dark, heavy, cloudy feeling and that my feelings were always hurt and I was always crying. I guess my point is it looks so different from the outside that I know it can be hard to understand.

I would be happy to talk anytime you like! Let me know how you want to go about it or if you just wanna chat in here or whatever. Thanks for the response!