just a moan

my head is splitting. headache for weeks and its getting worse yesterday and today. found a photo of my dog who died last month yesterday and i miss her so much. had T yesterday. told her my father had asked me to spend a night in a hotel just me and him to connect and she suggested i take the opportunity to tell him how i feel about him. i dont know if i can do that. it doesnt feel right to tell someone how much pain theyve caused. and if hes really genuine about trying to change now he might actually take it to heart. even if just for a minute. and mum has brought up several times that shes worried hes so depressed he might hurt himself and she asks me if its silly to think that so ive just been saying of course it is. hes too into self preservation above everything and everyone else to do that. i have no idea if thats true. hes also vindictive and might just see that as a great way to get revenge for not being the people we want him to be. or he might just be depressed enough and self pitying enough to give it all up. how am i supposed to know? but anyway now im afraid if i tell him truthfully maybe that will push him into doing something? either way i could well really hurt him. plus he could get mad and cut my financial support and then im screwed. did i mention my head is splitting? plus if i did talk to him im not sure i could do it without being cutting in my statements. im not sure i could do it respectfully.
plus i have an operation tomorrow and im scared. mostly im scared about the anesthetic because my friend told me whenever shes had a general she wakes up screaming. what if i do or say something i shouldnt when i wake up?
im having seriously strong urges to hurt myself recently. the only reason i havent cut is because i dont want the doctor to see fresh cuts tomorrow. i have such strong hatred for myself at the moment. i mean really strong. everything i do/think/say makes me sick. looking at myself makes me sick. i feel like a dishonest disgusting fraud. a piece of crap scum that should just be destroyed. i need to get stuff out. when will my f'ing head stop hurting!!!??

Hi there,

Not sure what the issues with your dad are - but he wants to go to a hotel with you??? Is this safe?

I've had many surgeries and I've woken up in different ways depending on how long I was under and what type of surgery I had. I woke up crying once from pain but then they gave me medicine. I usually wake up shivering cold which is normal. One hospital had this big tube under my sheet that blew warm air in - ahhhhhh how nice was that!

Try not to worry! Oh, and I've never said anything! Usually too groggy to speak initially anyway.

Hope it works out okay. I'll send some healing thoughts your way.

Tranquility

((((((((((( biiv )))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time right now. From the sound of things, I wouldn't say anything to your Dad yet. It sounds as if both of you are not ready for it. If your Mom wants to tell him something, let her do it.

Everyone is nervous about surgery, but honestly it's not bad. When you wake up there will be a nurse there with you. They will have you in warm blankets. If you are in pain, they will give you something in your IV that will make the pain go away and let you sleep a while. You might feel groggy depending on what type of anesthesia they use. Things have changed so much. It's not like it used to be. It's so much easier now.

I am praying and sending good thoughts your way.

Hugs,

Jan

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biiv said:
my head is splitting. headache for weeks and its getting worse yesterday and today. found a photo of my dog who died last month yesterday and i miss her so much. had T yesterday. told her my father had asked me to spend a night in a hotel just me and him to connect and she suggested i take the opportunity to tell him how i feel about him. i dont know if i can do that. it doesnt feel right to tell someone how much pain theyve caused. and if hes really genuine about trying to change now he might actually take it to heart. even if just for a minute. and mum has brought up several times that shes worried hes so depressed he might hurt himself and she asks me if its silly to think that so ive just been saying of course it is. hes too into self preservation above everything and everyone else to do that. i have no idea if thats true. hes also vindictive and might just see that as a great way to get revenge for not being the people we want him to be. or he might just be depressed enough and self pitying enough to give it all up. how am i supposed to know? but anyway now im afraid if i tell him truthfully maybe that will push him into doing something? either way i could well really hurt him. plus he could get mad and cut my financial support and then im screwed. did i mention my head is splitting? plus if i did talk to him im not sure i could do it without being cutting in my statements. im not sure i could do it respectfully.

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Sounds to me as though you have too much on your plate to be expected to be attending to other people's problems...

thanks tranquility. if you dont count possible public humiliation and sitting in a car with a maniacal driver then yes its safe to go with him. physically. emotionally... yuck.
the info about the op is good. i hope i get warm air blown in, it sounds gorgeous! its reassuring to know i might be too groggy to speak. i have to catch a train soon so i havent much time to write but i wanted to say thank you. i appreciate your words.
take care
biiv

(((((((((((Jan))))))))))) thank you. i really dont know what to do about dad. i hate this. i just dont want to have to think about it before tomorrow.
i appreciate the good thoughts and advice re the surgery a lot. thank you.
take good care
biiv

thanks pachyderm. you d think maybe he would cop on to that and back off but no. i know its not up to him but it would be nice if he understood at least a little. i dont know if he even remembers about my op tomorrow. i actually hope he doesnt cos then he wont come with me and i wont have to deal with him on the drive to the hospital.
take care
biiv