[ladydove]

I cant stop crying,

Im just home from work I felt like driving the car into a wall and I cried the whole way home I stayed at work as long as I could as I didnt want to come home to an empty house. Im so so tired of feeling this way I cant seem to get out of my head I need help please...

I am 39 years old and I feel empty and sad all of the time I feel like my life is going nowhere.

I keep thinking why...and cant I seem to motivate myself to fix it. I used to be a strong confident person...where has that girl went.

I have been with my partner now for 7 years we split up for about 2 years and got back together 3 years ago as he has alays had issues with commitment issues that was why we split. He is generally a quiet person doesnt really like socialising but he will go out occasionally if it suits him. I really do love him or I think I do. We are still the same as before both live in our own houses when I ask when will I see him it normally ends up in an arguement he says that he doesnt plan ahead. So I get to see him one night during the week then I need to go to his at the weekend as hes says theres nothing to do at mines. I know deep down if I didnt go to his I probably wouldnt see him. I even asked him to marry me he said yes. He didnt even bring the subject back up again and when I did I asked where would you like to get married the reply I got was whatever you can arrange it and I'll maybe turn up. Everytime I try to get close to him he just pushes me away. I was ready for leaving him on Sunday and I said to him that they was he was, was breaking my heart the way he was treating me and I couldnt have it any more. I told him again that I wanted us to get married, have a baby he has known this for years and if it wasnt what he wanted to please let me go and not to hurt me anymore and told him I was leaving but he said he didnt want me to that he wanted us to be together and get married etc...I just feel as though he doesnt want to be with me and then he doesnt want to let me go either...

My work is stressful, long days and constant and the people can be hard to work with and can be quite ruthless to the point that I just go with it if you know what I mean rather than fighting for what I believe in.

I feel like Ive given up I go to work its a fight and the same with my relationship...

[whimsygirl]

Hello and welcome ladydove. Thanks so much for posting. I'm so sorry about all the pain you're going through, and I'm glad that you're reaching out. I hope you'll find some comfort here in the forums. Not wanting to sound rude, but your guy sounds like a real jerk. I pray that you realize on some level that you are deserving of better than his treatment of you as described, because you are. (Of course nothing is completely simple and one-sided, but I'm just going by your words.) Depression can be such a horrible, complicated thing to deal with, there is no room for people in our lives who are not emotionally healthy themselves and whether that is their intention or not, just add pain to whatever you are already dealing with. And btw, this subject strikes very close to my heart, as a couple of months ago my closest friend in the world (or so I thought, anyway), ended our friendship completely because she just couldn't deal with my depression. We all need and deserve help at times from caring people out there who are there to help, so I'm wondering if you have a doctor and ~or therapist who are there to support you and guide you back to a better place. If not I hope you will perhaps think about this. I hope you will keep posting whenever you wish, and we'll be here to listen.....and share back. Many warm wishes.....

[Blue Poppy]

Life can be so overwhelming when we are depressed. It is difficult to cope with getting out of bed in the morning, let alone relationships, work etc. I find that my head is in a much better place when I start to come out of a depression and can deal a lot better with life. I agree with the post above. Is there someone you can see for your depression, a doctor or therapist. You need to be strong emotionally before you can deal with the other issues in your life.

[ladydove]

Good morning,
Whimsygirl & Blue Poppy I hope you are both well and I would like to thank you both for your support and your posts I really appreciate them.
I called a support group there on Monday and I’m still waiting on them getting back to me so I will follow back up again this Monday. I haven’t spoken to my Doctor as my mother works at the health centre and I know it’s confidential. My mum also has had depression since I was a teenager and I have 3 sisters and one of them also has it and she always says she tells the Doctor that she’s worried about me working too much and never doing things for myself as I tend to put other people first all of the time. It’s as though I’m running away from my life and filling it up with other peoples or work. I just don’t want to worry my mum I love her and my 3 sisters to bits (here I go I’m crying again).
When I was 8 my Dad suddenly passed away it was the most horrible day of my life and my poor mother I don’t know how she coped, she always said it was her girls that kept her going. A few years later she met someone and he turned out to like his drink and hit her. I was so protective of her and once I found out I would never leave her with him and always stood in front of mum when he went to hit her. I have always been the strong one of the family being there for mum and the girls and they have always came to me to help fix things out things are going well for the family and I guess if I hide what I’m going through I won’t worry them which is the last thing I want to do.
I am really sorry to hear about your friend ending your relationship whimsygirl relationships can be hard can’t they. If you need to chat on here please feel free to drop me a line. I have 2 friends and then mum and my sisters I know it’s my own fault and I should talk to them I just don’t know where to start and some things might hurt them and I don’t want to ever hurt them.
Whimsygirl I was smiling when you said my partner is a jerk deep down I know he is I just wish he would stop giving me false hope of a future together and I don’t feel welcome when I’m around. If my sisters told me the things that he has done I would tell them to get rid of him why can’t I take my own advice. Today Mum the girls and I with their partners are all going to a wedding my partner has know about this for ages. I asked him this week if he was coming he said no why would I want to come I’m not really interested. I said because I was there and it would be nice to go together. He does have issues he’s a bit of a loner and struggles to communicate. But I’m still going to go for my mum and family I'll probably be quiet and leave early. Does it make sense that you hate being on your own but when your with people you don’t want to be with them the same as social occasions it’s a horrible feeling I feel so withdrawn.
I hope you both have a lovely day, sleep not sure of the time zone and that I'll get to speak to you more and most importantly thank you for being there and I hope I can also be there for you both...Take care

[whimsygirl]

Hi ladydove.....Thanks for sharing more of your story, we are all here for somewhat similar reasons, and yet we've all traveled our own paths. Sounds like you've had a lot to deal with, and I hope some comfort comes your way as soon as possible. Also, thank you for the kind words regarding the ending of my friendship....yes as you say, relationships sure can be hard, and when depression is part of the equation they're even harder Looking forward to talking more in the future.....Warm Wishes.....

[Leed]

Hi LadyDove ~ I have to agree that your partner is indeed a first class JERK. You deserve SO much better than this!! Why are you putting yourself thru this? Do you feel that you can't get something better? Is that what is holding you from throwing him to the dogs?

Please believe me when I say that you CAN get someone better than this!! And life is too short and precious to be wasting it on someone like this. You'd be better off having a dog than wasting your time and effort on this guy. At least a dog would be happy to see you and give you plenty of affection! Not only that, but he would protect you at night!

So say goodbye to this time-waster! He certainly isn't doing you any good, is he? He doesn't go anywhere with you, he doesn't give you anything, he isn't a gentleman, he doesn't care if he marry's you or not, etc. So what good is he? Find someone who WANTS you -- REALLY wants you. And I'm sure it won't take that long. Be good to yourself for once, and stop doing for everyone else. YOU are important too, you know! YOU matter too. Find a good therapist and have a talk. It will do you a world of good. It sure did for me. God bless and please take care of YOU. Keep us posted, ok??? Big hugs, Lee

[ladydove]

Good morning Whimsygirl,

How are you, I hope your having a good weekend.
Thank for your kind words and support it means a lot to know there is someone I can talk to. If you dont mind me asking why are you on here if its okay with you to share some of your story also.

The Wedding went fine I made a big effort for my family and picked mum as I didnt want to drink I even stayed a bit later than usual. My cousin and her partner looked beautiful and so happy I was really pleased for them .I pushed myself to be the one to say hello first to my relations and made small talk I really struggled with the small talk im pleased I tried and then I say to myself I didnt make a big enough effort. It felt as if I retracted back into my shell and sat with my immediate family and managed to get through the night with them. At one point I was the only one sitting at the table and I never even noticed one of my sisters came over and asked me to dance as my family were all up there I thought I can do it, got to the dance floor and I froze and said sorry I couldnt and went back to the table. Walking back to that table I felt really bad, I feel so withdrawn from everyone and everything there was a time were I was the life and soul and would have been the first person up on that dancefloor. I think mum knows I am struggling and came over and asked me to take her home I was so glad she did.

Im going to phone the counsellor again tomorrow to follow up that appointment I need to keep trying.

You have a good day Whimsygirl and Take Care

[ladydove]

Hi Lee,

Thank you for taking time to post.

Deep down I know your right If Im honest Im just not strong enough to end it with him just now Im scared of being alone and not getting anyone else. He used to be my best friend and we could both talk,listen and we were always there for each other. He is a quiet man and can be a bit of a loner and struggles with his feelings and affections. His upbringing wasnt to good and and his mother drunk herself to death. He has a 15 yr old girl which he didnt find out until she was three unfortunately he doesnt have a good relationship with her I try and encourage it as much as possible as he is her father and she needs her dad he is a bit better but I dont think it will ever be that special father/daughter relationship if you know what I mean its so sad. He also has a son things werent going well with us a few years ago and to cut a long story short he got back with his ex she fell pregnant so I finished it as I didnt want to stand in the way of them being a family. I tried to moved on through time I met someone else I was with him for about 2 years he asked me to marry him and I said no as I knew my heart was elsewhere and we split up. Scott got back in touch him and his ex decided not to try together that it would be better to be apart and he sees the little boy at the weekend. To this day he awlays brings up that I met someone else and that I spolit what we had. I have told him I only left because of the little one every child deserves to have both parents and I wanted them to have that chance of being a family without me being part of the complication...so I dont know if thats why he pushes me away all of the time I am not at fault here he was with me when she fell pregnant but I have never thrown that back at him and I wouldnt want to I dont want to live in the past I just want to look forward to the future...Im not making excuses it my own fault for putting up and staying with him. We are all in control of our own destiny. My thinking has just been cloudy for a long time and I need to get back in control of my life.oh why are things never easy...I just feel so tired...

I grew up with dogs and your so right I would get affection and they would protect me. I would love a dog but sometimes I leave the house at 5 in the morning and dont get back to 9 in the evening from work it wouldnt be fair to leave it in the house all day.

Im calling the counsellor tomorrow to find out when my appointment is so I'll let you know how I get on.

And again thank you Lee you said something that touched me that my mother always says to me Ive just forgotten who I am.
Be good to yourself for once, and stop doing for everyone else. YOU are important too, you know! YOU matter too.

Take Care Lee