[jen29]

So the past few days have been extremely trying. Thinking too much has created so many questions that so want the answers to right now. For instance, is this as far as going to go in my life?....Is therapy ever gonna help me? Will I ever be able to smile and laugh without feeling intense quilt? How much longer will feel so depressed that taking myself out of the pic. seem like the only answer?

As I sit here typing this I have an overwhelming sense of sadness feeling. I have been feeling this way a few days now and have tried doing this to occupy my mind, however it's not working. Don't even answer the phone or call anyone cause I don't really know what to say or have anything to say. PPl try and cheer me up, that's not working anymore. Every moment seems to seem worse and more sad than the moment before.

I listen to music through headphones at night while trying to sleep to drown out the noise in my head. I read a book that takes my mind off myself for a while before bed as well, just to go right back to my head when i put the book down for the night. Have been journaling again, thinking maybe that will help the head to be clear and able to relax some to go off to sleep. None of this is working atm.

I have been off meds for a few months now, and really don't have any intention of going back on them. I do take something for anxiety and am finding have to take more to be able to calm some. Medication hasn't worked for me in the past and thinking the docs just gave them to me just to dope me up and get me to sleep some.

I don't remember the last time felt this sad and hopeless about life and myself. I think of my brother often and what it's like and if he is at peace. I want to feel peace and be able to breathe normal. I don't even know if I know the feeling of being happy or content. Seems that when things may start to look up something happens that kicks me back down farther than before.

I know in the back of my mind that giving up would hurt ppl. I know the hurt that when my brother gave up caused me as well as others. I just am not sure if staying is worth it. It's not fair to my family and friends that I am this way and they deal with it and they shouldn't have to live that way either.

Just not sure how much longer can fight this....if that what is even doing? I am just so tired of this and myself.

Thanks for listening.
hugs,
Jen

[UpInTheTrees]

Hey Jen,
I'm sorry your feeling really low.
Can you elaborate more on whats been giviing you most of your saddness? I appreciate this forum because no one judges, niether do I, I myself struggle also. I saw your post as I was about to sign off...I've posted before at odd hours and I would log on to see if anyone responded right away....sometimes with no luck, haha.

I've being having challenges myself with trying to feel the full range or spectrum of emotions, ie happiness and content being one of those desired feelings.

I'll be on for another 45min if not, catch you tomorrow.

I love dove choclate, (random thought) haha, and there proverbs are awesome,
Its okay to be blue, your not alone, and I know its hard to see, but things and life can feel better,

Take Care yo,

UpInTheTrees

[jen29]

UpInTheTrees,

Thanks for response, not really all that sure what has got me so depressed besides me. I think it's mainly me and what am and what have done and not done in my life. Feeling like a complete waste of time/space and a huge failure in this thing called life.
I don't really know what else to say right now. Am really feeling so low and thinking about just going back to bed.

Thanks again,
Jen

[UpInTheTrees]

Hey,
Its okay, today I stayed in bed too...I was bummed. I had it all planned to wake up early and go to the gym. It turned out to be a no go. I get depressed at myself when I cannot just start or I do, but it doesn't last really long. It sucks.
I hope you feel better soon. I'm ordering in Pizza, ahaha. So long gym.

Cheers,
UpInTheTrees

[Leed]

Jen, I think you need to have a talk with your therapist and/or doctor about this. It seems to me that you SHOULD be on an antidepressant. I DO believe that therapist will help you, but it does take time. We didn't get this way overnight, and we're not going to be healed overnight either. So it can take quite awhile to feel better in therapy.

In the meantime, I think you need an antidepressant to get you thru the rough times. Now you have to remember that antidepressants take 6 WEEKS to begin working!! It's too bad that they take so long. The only one I know of that doesn't take that long is Cymbalta --- that took only 2-3 weeks for me, and I began to feel "normal" -- whatever that is. I felt really good -- not high, but not depressed either. Just 'level.' I take it twice a day now because once a day wasn't enough. Anyway, talk to your doc about it -- you could have clinical depression as opposed to environmental, etc. depression.

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly, but you do NOT have to feel like this Jen. And PLEASE don't think about ending it all, because life is GREAT. And it will be for YOU too once things get taken care of.

Keep us posted on what happens. Giod bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[jen29]

Thanks Leed,

I understand what you are saying about the meds. I was on meds from age 17 till 32...and don't remember them helping much. I have taken Cymbalta on few different occasions where it helped for little while then was back to feeling horrible again. I am not so sure about the med thing though. I have tried meds a few times since been off to have some pretty bad side effects. I feel like have been on hundreds of meds with different combos and things like that only to feel horrible in the end.

I will talk to T about all u have said in the morning, I see her today and am pretty nervous about all of it. I will also be having my last meeting with a social worker as my committment is ending...YAY!!

I was able to sleep for about 45 min or so in the evening and when woke up felt like a switch had been turned off. Could breathe again and my thinking wasn't so all over the place. I was able to go to a friends downstairs for dinner, had to force myself to eat as have absolutely no appetite. I didn't stay long just enough to have dinner and a little conversation with her. She's a really good friend, just right now can't handle being around ppl. Can't handle much of conversation as my mind starts to go round and round and round again.

It's almost 1 in the morning and again find myself unable to sleep, unable to control the thoughts and conversation going on up there. It's so overwhelming at times and distraction seems pretty impossible.

Thanks for listening and responding.

Jen

[TerryL]

Jen, you are not responsible for what happened. Your brother was responsible for the decision that he made. You loved him. He was very lucky to have had someone who loved him so very much. It's sad that his depression was deeper than the love around him.

I know life is a struggle right now. Grief is complicated, it pulls in memories and emotions from everywhere, probably not just from your brother's life but from your own as well. You must have a thousand thoughts going around and around in your mind but please don't give up on therapy as that is a place for you to let all your sorrows out and to sort through them, when you are ready.

and who knows, maybe one day you can use what you have gone through to help someone else? There is nothing like finding someone else who truly understands...

Please hang on...

Originally Posted by jen29

UpInTheTrees,

Thanks for response, not really all that sure what has got me so depressed besides me. I think it's mainly me and what am and what have done and not done in my life. Feeling like a complete waste of time/space and a huge failure in this thing called life.
I don't really know what else to say right now. Am really feeling so low and thinking about just going back to bed.

Thanks again,
Jen

jen i totally hear you.

what anoys me the most about that is people coming up to me and saying oh... i've got this, i've got everything i want, good colledge course, good job, money, a nice apartment... and their's me sitting their thinking, well... that just about shows me how useless and worthless i actually am.

all those experiences passing me by.. constant feeling of guilt for me.

hugs

[jen29]

Todays even worse than the last. The anxiety and anger have taken over. Waiting to see social worker and then T. Giving up seems only way out now.

Thanks for all ur support.
Jen

[TerryL]

((((((((((((((((Jen)))))))))))))))

[dailyhealing]

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. I know you have said you don't think meds helped you, but then you also said you have never been this low before. So I don't want to tell you what to do, but if you are hurting that much maybe it is worth considering trying a different medication to see if it can make your life less painful? Again, I'm so sorry you are hurting so much and am glad you are reaching out on here. You are not alone.

[jen29]

yeah meds was discussed today with T and we both in agreement that they haven't worked in the past and have had some pretty bad side effects this year.

Things are ok right now although am starting to panic again as it's almost time for bed....hate night time and if the brain gets the way it has been, it will be another miserable night.

thanks hon

[alone in the world]

Originally Posted by jen29

So the past few days have been extremely trying. Thinking too much has created so many questions that so want the answers to right now. For instance, is this as far as going to go in my life?....Is therapy ever gonna help me? Will I ever be able to smile and laugh without feeling intense quilt? How much longer will feel so depressed that taking myself out of the pic. seem like the only answer?

As I sit here typing this I have an overwhelming sense of sadness feeling. I have been feeling this way a few days now and have tried doing this to occupy my mind, however it's not working. Don't even answer the phone or call anyone cause I don't really know what to say or have anything to say. PPl try and cheer me up, that's not working anymore. Every moment seems to seem worse and more sad than the moment before.

I listen to music through headphones at night while trying to sleep to drown out the noise in my head. I read a book that takes my mind off myself for a while before bed as well, just to go right back to my head when i put the book down for the night. Have been journaling again, thinking maybe that will help the head to be clear and able to relax some to go off to sleep. None of this is working atm.

I have been off meds for a few months now, and really don't have any intention of going back on them. I do take something for anxiety and am finding have to take more to be able to calm some. Medication hasn't worked for me in the past and thinking the docs just gave them to me just to dope me up and get me to sleep some.

I don't remember the last time felt this sad and hopeless about life and myself. I think of my brother often and what it's like and if he is at peace. I want to feel peace and be able to breathe normal. I don't even know if I know the feeling of being happy or content. Seems that when things may start to look up something happens that kicks me back down farther than before.

I know in the back of my mind that giving up would hurt ppl. I know the hurt that when my brother gave up caused me as well as others. I just am not sure if staying is worth it. It's not fair to my family and friends that I am this way and they deal with it and they shouldn't have to live that way either.

Just not sure how much longer can fight this....if that what is even doing? I am just so tired of this and myself.

Thanks for listening.
hugs,
Jen

I feel the same way and even took myself off the meds believing things couldn't get any worse. Boy was I wwrong I am now so low I have to check in daily with my T and i am failing at caring for my child. but somewhere in me is hope because i called my pdr and have gone back on meds hoping they kick in soon. I never was depression free while on maeds but life was manageable. Don't give up hope in yourself and the possibility of taking meds again meds make it easier to see the rainbow. Pleny of hugs and support .

[jen29]

Thanks so much to everyone for ur kind words and support.

Am really trying to be kind to myself today. Trying to not think too much and too deep...really trying to stay in the moment and ground myself. So far it's working. Listening to the rain is so soothing and rocking myself has calmed inside lots so far.

I have been thinking of meds too. I am just not so sure about them right now. They help lots ppl, just not me. I know that they aren't instant fix, nor does it take depression and other things completely away. Since my last Overdose I am just not able to take medication like used to. Even taking something for a headache gives me so much anxiety and have a hard time swallowing them. I spoke with my social worker yesterday and she suggested a patch that is medication. It's a MAOI and it's called emsam patch. She also suggested ECT once again. I don't have an appt with pdoc as I cancelled it with him when decided to not go back on meds and seeing him would just waste his time when not going to take anything and he won't prescribe the ativan that am on for anxiety. My reg doc does that.

I don't know what the rest of the day holds in store. Just gonna try and take it moment by moment and really work on being kind to myself. I know things have to change so just going to try and take it slow and know that there will be times that are miserable, just need to remember it can't last forever right?

Thanks so much again to all u.
You are all great and many hugs to you all
Jen

[jen29]

Thinking today will be last meeting with T. There's no point in going to therapy anymore when not getting better and just getting worse. Can hardly leave this place anymore....meaning my apt.

My T is the most wonderful person that have met and gonna be hard to say good-bye, but think it's for the best. I just have no fight left in me and it's not fair to her for me to go see her when I am not fighting anymore. It's just wasting her time.
I'm tired of all this, tired of me, i hate me so much.

Think have already given up, so think everyone around me should too. Not even sure how to say good-bye to T, just go in there and tell her I guess. Will be seeing her in a few hours and then that's it.

I'm sorry to all that is reading this and has been so kind and has had such words of encouragement....I'm tired...I feel like there is no more to me, nothing to fight for anymore.

Thanks again and sorry
jen

[Life is the PITTS]

I'm very new to this but I can relate to what you are saying. I suffer from depression and one of the main symptoms to alert me that I'm in an episode is my need to sleep. It kind of creeps up on me a little at a time, and then one day I'm in full blown melt down.

Sleep is the one state of mind that isn't overwhelming. I can escape from the fatigue and feelings of self loathing, hopelessness, and sadness. Plus it's really exhausting to "keep up appearances" at work and in public when all you want to do is be in bed. It takes a lot of effort pretending to be happy when you're not.

[jen29]

Feeling there is NO WAY OUT of this illness. I am sorry for complaining and whining.

Feeling so alone. So tired of myself. I really hate myself so much. I am lost and don't know what to do. I can't even leave this fricken apt. Managed to get the laundry done and that's all can do. Haven't been outside in 2 days. Anxiety and panic has overtaken me. There is nothing left of me. I am tried and ready to be done.

Sorry again and ty for listening
Jen