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#1
Dec 25, 2003, 02:33 AM
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santa won't come if i'm awake, right? can't sleep again. took my meds pretty late int he day today so that may be why. keep thinking about work and all the a**es in my life.
not expecting to see or hear from anyone tomorrow (today?) i made some calls this afternoon but didn't hear back got a call from one friend earlier today though. keep visiting the other boards i am a member of but sick of all the lists of presents they want and presents they got. everything they are giving each other but apparently if i'm not throwing a party for all of them i get nothing... but they assure me they are thinking of me all the time. worst tonight is my knee really throbbing and painful can't find a comfortable spot in bed. hoping some motion here and sitting will loosen it up and i can go back to bed. doctor added me back on zoloft this week too so i;m going through the nausea of it, starting off on a lower dose and ramping up so maybe this time it won't be as bad but was hard to eat today. i managed some stuff though i used to love so many people and would tear my heart out for them if they needed something. id miss work or sleep and do whatever they needed. now i hardly care about anyone anymore and i really feel like i've lost the capacity to love like that. i feel like i spent so much of my life sharing my love with friends but in the meantime they all found the love of relationships that i never made time for in my own life so they've now all got their own stuff to deal with and to support each other and i'm left out like the loser of musical chairs. my own fault. wouldn't stop doing what i did if i could go back and change it but certainly would have looked for a compromise that didn't leave me as exposed. -- The world is what we make of it -- -- Dave -- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>
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------------------------------------ --  -- The world is what we make of it -- -- Dave -- www.idexter.com |
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#2
Dec 25, 2003, 03:04 AM
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i find it strange to think of a fat old man in a red suit knows what i do and will break into my house to give me stuff once a year. other than that i guess xmas is ok. sorry to here of a lonely xmas for you dex. if it makes you feel better i could mail you some socks(joking).hope tomarrow isnt as bleak as you say.
when my ship ran out of fuel i burned the things that made it pretty when i ran out of that i burned the things i loved when i ran out of that i burned willpower to keep me moving. its not a pretty ship but it still moves.
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(insert something witty here) |
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#3
Dec 25, 2003, 07:02 AM
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Hello "dexter"
Santa totally skipped my house, I do think he may have stopped on the roof though though, rudolf gets stage fright and cant tinkle in mid air. Sorry a little of my twisted demented mind or my humor. Have a good day! hope you get to feeling better when you wake up. Chris KRZYKRIS If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!
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 If you think you have totally givin' up- you haven't, because you are here!
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#4
Dec 25, 2003, 03:08 PM
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I'm used to socks on the latter days of chanukah
 . on a bad year, the left sock on day 7 and the right sock on day 8. mostly i was pretty spoiled as a kid though, only child, lots of toys. all turned bad when i got older -- The world is what we make of it -- -- Dave -- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>
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------------------------------------ -- -- The world is what we make of it -- -- Dave -- www.idexter.com |
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#5
Dec 25, 2003, 03:12 PM
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>>rudolf gets stage fright and cant tinkle in mid air
i have the same problem. caused difficulty when i was in the emergency room, they found a very good hospital for depression to transfer me to but couldn't release me until i gave a sample... but i couldn't be left alone in the room due because i came in very depressed. absolutely could not go with someone standing there, tried for about an hour. first time i was ever catheterized, yoinks! -- The world is what we make of it -- -- Dave -- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>
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------------------------------------ -- -- The world is what we make of it -- -- Dave -- www.idexter.com |
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#6
Dec 26, 2003, 09:32 AM
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Jess looks up the chimmney, scratches her head.....
Say's hay (((((((((((((( DEX )))))))))))))))) I see a star up there but, NO Santa... LOL... Happy Hanukka dex... (((((((((((((((((( Dexter )))))))))))))))))))))))))) Funney how "so called friends" always forget the things you've done in the past. I remmber when I usto have a job, I would treat everyone, wether it was in a bar a restaurant or at the mall. when I went shopping and my "so called" girlfriend wouldn't have money I would buy her whatever she wanted... ask me were they are now.. LOL I have only one friend, A true friend which are very hard to come by.. I learned my lesson with friends. ( Hard ones ) My momma always told me I was the only friend in life that was going to treat me fair, she was right. she always is. I always wished I would've listened to her when I was younger. How's your knee doing today?? did you find a comfortable position last night?? you know something when I was a little girl and still now my knees would hurt so bad expecially in the winter or when it rained. my mother would take me to the hospital & after 3 hours of waiting in the emergancy room the pain would go away or by the time the Dr. would come in. I can relate to the tortures pain that you get. as if three people are just twisting your knee caps and doing the Indian burn position. if that made any sence. I have carpal in my hands but, I'm begining to think I may just have a herditory history of aurtritis. God, I'm the worst speller!!!!! soon all of your the side effects on your meds will fade. just try not to think about it, Ya right... I know for me that was impossible. Your not exposed. you may feel that way b/c you feel lonely. within time that love is gonna come to ya, and smack you in the face. like it did me. All good things come to those who wait & deserve it... to me, you do.... Hope your Holidays were good. (((( HUGS 2 YOU )))))) Duchess* When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi...
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When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi... |
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#7
Dec 26, 2003, 05:44 PM
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no duchess me is woorst speler! haha :P
when my ship ran out of fuel i burned the things that made it pretty when i ran out of that i burned the things i loved when i ran out of that i burned willpower to keep me moving. its not a pretty ship but it still moves.
__________________
(insert something witty here) |
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#8
Dec 27, 2003, 01:25 PM
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duchess thanks for the thoughtful reply. Knee still bothers me at night, seems when i lay down it just starts throbbing and if i get up and walk around a bit it gets better. usually it is just a few hours a night though... that other night was unusually bad and kept me up all night.
i've been kvetching a lot about my friends and the truth is for the most part i am more upset at me than them. most of them are really excellent people, very sensitive and unafraid to face things like this and help. the problem is that most of them have their lives wrapped up in other commitments, and the ones "related" to me are very far away. the ones close are largely part of a very warm community but i'm on the outskirts, they are devoting their "helping" skills to family or spouse or personal things. the people i've specifically done stuff for have moved on to rebuilding their lives, as it should be, i never expected they would have the time or energy to support me even though they are appreciative of what i've done for them. i always thought of it more of a karma thing rather than "payback" i've ALWAYS believed in "the world is what we make of it" and a large part of the time and energy i've invested helping friends get through rough times has been devoted to getting them to believe that. i was hoping that i set a good example by being physically present for them, listening and supportive, and helping them to see and execute options rather than having a "why me" or attitude or giving up. in a lot of cases most of their other friends abandoned them in difficult times and i wanted to show them that there were people who would invest time with them. show them they were worth it and that the abandonment was about other people's failings and not something wrong with them. i think my big failing was that i never cultivated those personal relationships for my own sake. helping everyone "move on" leaves you alone, and the friends i have now are quite probably of the same mind as i am but, as i said before, their time is invested elsewhere. i always just assumed that if i needed anything (and i suppose i never thought i actually would need anything) that people with the time and resources would just show up like at the end of "Its a wonderful life". i know that's not how it works but knowing that doesn't make me any less angry or bitter. and the few people who are close by and i believe do have some time to help me, their the few who have disappeared and that is just the icing on the cake for me. i do have some very close friends who were in town for christmas. i usually go to their family's home for holidays but i haven't been able to for awhile due to the arthritis but mostly the depression. their visits have become stressful because of all the pressure they put on me to show up, they seem to take it as an insult if i can't make it. this visit, the first since i've been in the hospital, they didn't put as much pressure on (well, they did, asking what time they were picking me up instead of asking if i was coming, but when i stood firm that i couldn't make it they did come to visit me instead). the visit went well and i was glad to see them and they asked me a lot about what i was suffering and admitted that they didn't understand much about it. they had read my paper on depression but i don't think they did any research past that. i was happy that they were making the effort but then near the end of the visit they made a joking comment that i needed to do something to "get off my butt"... a thinly veiled criticism that really crushed me. they obvioulsy think i'm not working because i am lazy and lack of going to work that is "making" me depressed. i keep feeling more and more as if all my bridges are burning behind me. "i don't feel like i can get through this without the support of people to help bear the load, and if i do get through this i don't won't be able to enjoy life without friends to share in the victory" i feel like the little red hen. -- The world is what we make of it -- -- Dave -- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>
__________________
------------------------------------ -- -- The world is what we make of it -- -- Dave -- www.idexter.com |
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#9
Dec 27, 2003, 08:36 PM
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LOL
When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi...
__________________
When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi... |
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#10
Dec 27, 2003, 08:51 PM
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...don't feel bad about not cultivating those relationships... I did and am in the same place as you. Don't know if that hurts more or not... each of us has a bottoming out spot and it doesn't matter what it take s to put one there... and I'm there. It never helped me to know I wasn'tthe only one in my situation/frame of mind. In fact, it makes me feel worse that God wouldn't just dump it all on me since I was already miserable and he made others , like you, also suffer. No reason for that. I also have ptsd which accounts for much. brain chemicals they say. I don't care what it is... if I feel and think the way I do... call it a rose for all that matters... I haven't been able to work for 17 years due to an injury... which has caused the ptsd and depression and a multitude of physical pains... just thot I'd leave ya a note.
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#11
Dec 27, 2003, 09:01 PM
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(((( DEXTER )))))))))
I know what you mean.. The strees of people being around. I just moved out of my apartment and I can't wait to get a moment of silence and relaxation in my house. My stress level has been bonkers*!@... I have to say though being back at my mothers has temporarily snatched my depression and put my mind back in the game. I'm not sure how my memorie will do. but, I'm ready for the fight.( WORK!!!). Yaaa. the holidays are almost over and I'm glad that you weren't alone. although you surly didn't need the criticism from them... NOBODY is perfect. sometimes people that haven't been through something like you and I are going through It's, sad to say that untill it happens to them they can relate . don't take it too heart. You'll know when you're ready took me almost 6 months... I enjoyed every minuet of it too!!!."little red hen" ~ you shall have victory!!! keep your self focused. we are here with you and even though you can not see us we are here to read and take it deeper to heart because we understand and know what you are going through. When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi...
__________________
When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi... |
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