if someone is reading this I need help NOW.

I managed to sleep for an hour when I got home from work. And I ate a bowl of cereal which is something I haven't been doing (eating). I called a close friend of mine and she's stopping by in a little while. I look like crap, my condo is a mess and I probably ont even get out of bed while she's here. I hate feeling like this. I hate that I can't just be happy with my life. I hate having life pass me by while I'm in bed crying. I hate me.

I am glad you have people who care about you. Your friend, your co-worker. I wish I knew what to say more. Just thinking of you.

happysomeday

It's great that you have friends to lean back upon in your dark times. Wonderful news!

Try not to kick yourself for not being tidy, and going without make-up or nice hair. All human beings can relate on some aspect of struggling to find the motivation to get up and go. ALL humans do struggle with that from time to time, so at least others can partially understand what we're going through. That helps a little bit. The more experience one has with mental health, the more compassion and interest they show to others struggling. (In general.)

Now is a good time for you to get worries that have been plaguing you out in the open. It's also a good time to get a hug, someone showing care and concern for you! Hopefully, you'll be able to share a smile before she leaves. If not, that's okay. Maybe next time....But a tiny smile can help pick us up a bit.

Hope that your visit goes very well with your friend and provides you with some relief.

Thinking of you and hoping you're feeling better.....

Please hang in there.

How are you feeling now? Is your friend still over?

Just wanted to check in to see how you are doing.
You are not alone.
Rose

My friend left a few minutes ago. She brought a pizza of which I struggled to have a few bites of. She also brought me a beautiful boquet of flowers. Mostly she just sat on the edge of my bed and listened to me cry. Sometimes there was just silence. But she was a comfort that I need oh so desperately. She offered to stay the night but I know she has to be to work early and it's a long drive from my place. I'm going to call my therapist as soon as her office opens in the morning. As for right now--I thank you all for being here for me. Even though we're strangers we have a common bond of sorts. I have the crisis line to call and my friend is calling later to check on me. I absolutely HATE feeling this way. Trapped, confused and hopeless. I don't care about things I would usually care about and I feel like I can't even lift my head off the pillow--it's too much effort. So that's my update for now. Again, thank you all for caring.

I am impressed by your ability to reach out when you are feeling so bad! I'm glad you are keeping us informed on how you are doing. Great job calling the crisis line also! You have a lot of good things going for you and are doing a good job of taking care of yourself!

Thanks for saying those kind words. But I feel SO out of control now that I'm alone. I've tried watching TV but can't concentrate; tried to journal but I can't write through the tears. I feel depleted of all ability to survive this. Thoughts run through my head that scare me. Like what songs do I want played at my funeral. I haven't had actual suicidal thoughts, but I seem to be concentrating on the funeral.

All right--no funeral plans right now. Okay? Try to think on positive things--like that pizza you had, your friend IRL, and all your friends here.

OK I promise at least for tonight no funeral plans. That's hard for me to say. I got out my DBT manual (took the program 2 years ago) and wrote down some skills that can help get me through the night. I have the crisis line number programmed into my phone. Dear God I pray I have the strength to get through this difficult night.

My friend just called to check up on me. I know I told her to leave, but I wish to God she was right here by me. I know I have the crisis line and I can call her and of course come on here--but nothing can replace human touch in times of desparation. I took a sleeping pill so hopefully I'll be able to sleep a bit tonight. Everyone who posted again thank you. You are helping me more than you know. I found tis website by accident last week and it (you all) may just be saving my life.

Hi Happysomeday

I just saw this thread as I have been isolating and not noticing much from my bed. I hear you. I wish I could reach out and take your hand. I have felt like this so many times...I can't count. At night, I think about the best way to sui** I don't sleep well at night. I do nothing during the day. My T knows all about this but it's gotten somuch more severe in the last few years.
You are very brave. I wouldn't be able to work, but you can. I can't ask for help, but you did. I'm so glad you found us here. I am glad you keep on keeping on....I'm glad you're here. Please keep talking.

Callsta+12,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time as well. Sleeping is so hard for me. Even with trazadone here I am at 130am still wide awake. Then I take adderall during the day to help me stay alert. As I've been lying here tonight crying, thinking, I decided I need to talk to my MD tomorrow too and maybe get my Effexor dosage upped. I just can't do this on my own. It's a miserable existance as you all probably know with your own life issues. I guess what I need to know is that one day I'll feel different. That one day I'll look back and realize that I survived. Right now that seems like a pipe dream. Second to second is all I can do. I'm a good person, I help the less fortunate, I care about people's feelings. Not that I'm Super Woman or anything but I deserve to be happy. I deserve and want a life. Why is it SO darn hard to simply exist? I know I probably sound redundant in a lot of my posts but I'm typing my feelings as they pop in my head. This I know for sure: Depression SUCKS!

I don't understand it either. I used to have a depressive episode and get over it and feel ok for a while. Now,it never ends. Putting one foot in front of the other is too hard.
Yes I believe you are a good person and it's just not fair for this to happen. I have asked, many times "what am I supposed to learn from this?" I can't seem to get an answer.

I'm still awake. I've had about one hour of sleep since Thursday. I just called the crisis line because I really feel out of control and am in such a panic I just want to give up. They wanted me to go to the hospital but I told them I would be alright at least until 8:00am when I can call my therapist. I pray she can see me today. And at 7 I'm calling my doctor's office to talk about my meds. I just have to hang on a few more hours. Hard to do though when you feel like you're suffocating. I'm surprised I can even put words together to form a sentence here. My mind is going in all different places. I don't wish depression on anybody. It's such a terrible disease to be burdened with. I have just about given up all hope.

Been there.....

You do not sound redundant, at all. I do the same thing when I'm in a horrific place---I just can't stop thinking about how bad I'm feeling, why is it that everytime I try to improve something I hit a wall?

Also, do you think if you invited your friend back over she'd stay with you some more?

Well I fell asleep for 2 hours. I got an apppointment with my MD at 1pm today. It means I have to get out of bed but hopefully talking with her she can adjust my meds. My friend already called this AM and yes she's leaving work early and coming with me to my appointment. She told me we are going to a lake afterward to sit on the beach but I don't know if I'm up to that, even though on a normal day that would be my favorite thing to do.

I wanted to let you know that I'm here if you would like to talk... I know what your going through as I have been there myself these past few days. I hope your doing okay

dazed

Seeing your dr today, and having your friend go with you---two big, good things.

I hear you about going to do something I don't want to, that I'd normally enjoy. But I do find water very healing. It sounds like you have an awesome, supportive friend. Good luck at the dr's appt.

Thank you dazed--I'm going to try and sleep a little more before my appointment. I will post back on here when I get home.

Saw my MD and she upped my effexor and added Abilify. Its going to take awhile before I notice a difference she said. She also gave me klonopin to calm me down and has me off work until wednesday night. I talked with my therapist over the phone for quite awhile as she had no openings. I see her Wednesday morning (she's off tomorrow). We discussed coping skills. She really liked the idea of this forum. My friend and I sat at the beach for a few hours talking and not talking. But now I'm home again and feel the tears coming and the self-hate and loathing. Why am I so screwed up?

That's great news you saw your Dr and she was able to change up your meds some. That's pretty neat that you can talk to your therapist in between appts--a lot of T's, including mine, don't offer that--and the fact she liked this forum is a good sign as well. And you took time to hang out with your friend (which for me gets my mind off my crap). All AWESOME stuff!!

I understand the feeling-better-then-down-again. Many times. As your dr said, it may take awhile for your med changes to kick in. Meanwhile you have your therapist appt to look forward to, and that friend sounds amazing. I know it hurts right now, and it's hard to peer out past all of the negativity. But you've had a productive day, and YOU chose to participate in all of it. Give yourself a pat on the back.