Please help, pathetic excuse for a life at this point, don't know what to do.

Hi there,

First off I apologize in advance since this will most likely be very long and extremely disorganized. This is more of a rant about my life and a plea for help, so I would really appreciate if you can offer any advice.

My life is one big vicious cycle of depression. I had a video game addiction in high school because all my attempts of making a life for myself in HS were in vain. I never had any "real" friends that stuck with me over a long period of time. I met my first real friends who I would see often my senior summer and it only lasted for that long. That's when I came out of my shell at least.

I was blessed by being born into a middle class family where my college is being fully paid by my parents. Unfortunately for me, I chose the worst possible college for myself. Extremely small, many religious bigots and stuck up rich people, nothing to do around campus or around town, the list goes on.

I thought I met the love of my life last year, because she was everything I wanted and more and she thought of me the same, but I was fooling myself. She rarely did anything for me (being that she was a little immature, she was 16 and couldn't drive, I was 18 and in college across the country almost always). Our relationship worked well until the beginning of this year. I was the best boyfriend to her, loving, supporting, loyal, I would never stop to show her how much I cared for her. I did everything right, the dream guy who treats his girl like a princess right? Yea I guess not every girl wants that. A lot of times she told me she didn't even know what she wanted. Maybe because of my personality, and due to my past/present, I was very clingy at times when she didn't want to see me or wasn't being herself around me, so much that it all fell apart when we left for college. She made a lot of promises she couldn't keep, a lot of empty words and emotions, and this all still hurts me sometimes I can't take it. This was almost a month ago. I don't blame her for being that way, in fact I understand her completely. I used to think (and maybe still think) that I just need to find the one girl right now and commit to her to be happy for the rest of my life, and that pushes them away. But the way she handled everything was really immature (in fact she is TOO immature) so we're not talking.

So here I am, in a college that I hate across the country from my family and whatever friends I have left at home that I'm probably slowly losing because we never talk. I don't get along with the people here. Over my years I've been here (I'm a junior) my grades have suffered tremendously due to my pathetic and miserable state. I've been on academic probation twice. I couldn't go abroad which was my dream because my grades were too low. And I'm stuck here. I can't transfer because I'm below the required gpa. I took a semester off in the spring and went to community college and got all A's, but what does that prove? My parents keep telling me I need to graduate, as there is no future for someone without a degree. And I believe them. But I'm so miserable here. I haven't gone to class ever in most of my classes, I just sleep the day away or watch anime because I'm so depressed. I'm always so tired, and I watch anime a lot because, not only are the shows so entertaining, the Japanese value friendship so highly, so it feels good to long to be a part of that society (feeling a part of the anime) and find good friends and a girl of my own.

Do you understand the cycle? Because I'm so miserable, I'm too depressed and lazy to go to class, which I do poorly and it traps me here. I'm scared that I'm going to fail out, then I've wasted maybe $50k of my parent's money, made a pathetic excuse for myself, and sealed my fate for a miserable future. I want to go out and make friends, but I've tried so many times before and I know the people here too well that I just can't try anymore. Clubs are pointless here, and forget trying to connect with people. For heavens sake I am not even motivated to keep myself in shape anymore, and I definitely am gaining weight and hate this.

All in all, I feel like a disappointment to my parents, undeserving of a true friend or a girl that really loves me. Friends don't seem to want to keep me around, and after a while every girl I talk to loses interest, and girls don't want someone who needs them to be happy. I'm going insane, all I do half of the time is lay in bed in this completely white room. I have been suicidal in the past, so sometimes I even wonder why I am living for. I do know that I am afraid to kill myself, so I could never pull it off (maybe if I fail out of school). But I really don't know why I'm putting myself through this torture, for a chance at a better future? Sometimes I just wish I could sleep all the time, I enjoy the peace and comfort more than being awake. I guess the only reason I'm doing this because I still have one goal I still believe is worth living for. I've always wanted to live abroad, and as soon as I graduate, I want to move to some distant foreign country like England, France, Australia, or Japan. I'm really good with language, and fascinated by cultures, but I had to pick a practical major to get me a career, so I'm toughing out majoring econ at the moment. I've lived abroad before, I know it's my dream and its possibly the only thing that is getting me by now. But nothing is certain... and I may be in an even worse position financially there, so I don't know.

I don't know what to do anymore. My parents know about my issues, but currently they don't understand the present gravity of the situation. And I hate talking to them about this because I can see the fear and despair in their eyes and hear it in their voices. I never want to cause so much trouble for anyone, so I can't say that I don't think about killing myself, I just know I could never pull myself to do it, because I'm also a coward that runs from my problems. FYI I am on medication, but I guess it isn't working anymore.

So there it is in an extremely abridged version. I'm not sure why I even wrote this out, maybe I just needed to vent. I'm not really sure what kind of help I can get here, but I would really appreciate to hear your thoughts about what I can do.

I know I'm my worst enemy, and I prevent myself from accomplishing anything, but I know from experience, when I'm having a really up phase in my life, either because of fun with friends and love with a girlfriend, all my pain, and doubt gets washed away and replaced with joy and living. So I know for a fact that friends/girlfriend=happy life for me, because I'm definitely not happy just with myself. I'm such a mess, I really don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading at least. Have a nice day.

hugs to you! sorry you're feeling so awful. is it possible to make the most of your parents' money and transfer schools? it's not that uncommon to switch schools. perhaps you could find one closer to where your family is? sounds like you need some support from your friends and family and can't get it where you are currently at. anyone can choose a school thinking it's perfect but once you're actually in it, it may not mesh well. please look into other options--this one school isn't your only choice. xoxo

I know it's not often helpful to tell someone who is depressed to try, try... but is it possible you can keep that dream of going abroad present and uppermost in your mind, and use it to get to class, which you must, of course, to get that degree. You say your GPA won't allow you to transfer, and you are a junior... but you are pretty close to getting that degree.

And if going abroad is a cherished dream of yours, you'll probably find a way later on to make it happen.

Best wishes and luck to you.

Unfortunately my grades are so poor here transferring is not an option, I'm struggling to graduate really And if I do well and get to transfer in the fall then I'm already a senior so transferring is really tough! I feel trapped and alone, and there's so much agony and misery with that. I appreciate your concern though!

Hello & Welcome, Apav!

You mentioned you had some difficulties in high school, so your problems with depression are not all tied to this current college, yes? Does the college offer counseling?

When you were at the community college, did you feel better?

Your school should have a therapist that you can talk to. Or perhaps a psychiatrist may prescribe a med for your depression. Take the initiative to seek help.

I think some people are just ****ed, at least in my experience.. Life's a *****. And God doesnt care..

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you guys.

@Rohag,
I think I've struggled with depression/lack of motivation for all of my life. I only got diagnosed with OCD, general anxiety, ect in high school though. But I have always struggled with the social aspect, so high school was stressful for me and I was depressed then too.

I am better in college though.I was a very late bloomer in the social aspect. If I do go out with people ever, I just might seem like an ordinary laid back college guy. If I do find a circle (they're always temporary though, circumstances separate us) I am extremely happy with my life and have a sense of belonging. But I don't show my true colors to anyone. I text some of my friends back home and tell them all about my problems, and I think that may have pushed them away.

The main point I am killing myself over is why I didn't go to state school. I know I wanted a strong social life. Not necessarily a party-er, but to be the guy loved by everyone and to be welcomed to somewhere if I just show up out of the blue. Here though, I'm at a dead religious school (#2 worst rated party school) in a dead town, and my student body contains for the most part religious bigots who try to shove their beliefs down my throat, or superficial rich people. I know it sounds exaggerated, but I tried so hard, and I couldn't find anyone like me that was either struggling here or had a very down to earth care-free attitude. And the fact that I'm stuck here, that I can't transfer, and that I am preventing myself from doing well thus lowering my chances of transferring? I have contemplated killing myself twice tonight. Not seriously going through with it, but just trying to understand what would happen or would it be better than to suffer.

Community college was better for me, perhaps since I was home and had access to my family/friends that I've had around. But in all seriousness, if I flunk out of college (which is probably a 60% chance at this point the way my grades are going) my parents will not be paying for me anymore, and they'd still be very disappointed in me, why I didn't try, ect.

My most recent problem was, I've been talking to a girl recently that I went to highschool with on facebook. It's been very casual, and we've had these long late night hilarious conversations and I felt like I really clicked with her. If anything, I at least wanted to be friends. She has a busy schedule, but even so, you make time for people right? We talked for two days in a row, then we went three days without talking. No big deal, we were both busy right? Then this weekend comes along and we talk only a little bit friday night. She tells me to text her tomorrow so I did, and no reply. I texted her about three times I think, I let my emotions get the better of me. I told her to text me back at least so I know she's getting them. Today, no reply either. I've been on facebook all night and I see she comes on. I'm on the computer and I check back frequently to see if she is still on: she stayed on for 2 hours, and not one message, or anything. Now I'm starting to worry she's had enough of me.

You might think I'm making a big deal out of this. But this is the most fun I've had talking to someone in a while. I got that feeling of "living" again when we shared laughs. She was really nice, would even initiate conversation and I really felt like she was making an effort too. But I was worried from the beginning that my clingy nature might push her away, so I watched over my actions carefully with her. I really don't think I did anything wrong. I was being myself, I left her alone because I understood she was busy for days. This weekend I accidentally showed weakness though by texting her so much in succession. But besides that, I don't think I did anything wrong that would create some distance.

I consider this to be my curse. I don't know what it is about me, and I can't seem to figure it out, but I always cannot keep the friends I make, whether it's in the process of becoming friends, or when we're actual friends and just grow apart. I tried my hardest to not let that happen with me and her, but it just seems inevitable.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm a really nice guy and I have really good intentions... but I'm trapped in an environment that makes me feel depressed and miserable, it's ruining my life. All I want is to have friends, to go out and live a little while I'm young, to find love, you know, basic things that humans go through during their lifespan. But not here. For the life of me I cannot make friends and I can't even remember the last time I went out.. I just sat in my room all weekend and never left my room. I'm slowly going insane. I'm getting super depressed just thinking about all the things I'm missing out on in a normal college, what's wrong with me that I can't make friends, what I did to deserve to be stuck here, the fact that I'm going to most likely fail out of school because this depressions is really preventing me from trying in school anymore. All of this combined, is making me implode. Too many emotions to describe. I'm so sorry if I seem like a drama queen, I'm a really emotional and personable guy who likes to express himself. None of this is exaggerated, I truly am expressing my circumstances and how I feel.

@Yoda,
I tried the counselors here freshman year. I didn't feel like I received the help I needed from them, because although people have their own problems, I'm not the typical student that goes here. I don't even think I belong here. Biggest mistake of my life. The "help" they gave me was common sense, and they encouraged me to explore spiritual life (surprise), which doesn't help me at all.

I think the worst part about it above all is with my parents. My mom knows I'm struggling, but she doesn't know the magnitude and the seriousness of the current situation I'm in. And if I told her, I might give her a heart attack, since she cares about me too much. But if I keep doing this and fail out of school, then I don't even know if I'll be able to look her in the eyes again. She's going to make me feel like I wish I have never been born. she's the last person in the world I want to disappoint or sadden, but unfortunately it never stops in my case.

I'll tell you how much I care about her. All of these issues: lack of friends or social life, knowing that failing out of school probably means no future, finding the right girl for me, my issues with myself, lack of motivation, ect. I am depressed about it, sure, but I keep telling myself that I have a whole life ahead to figure all of this out, that I'm only going to be 20 soon.

But when I think about how my mom has cried for me in the past because of the stuff I have gone through, and how she deeply cares for me. That I either have to share all of these burdens I'm going through to her very soon or the truth will come out when im kicked out of school.... thinking about that I'm a constant disappointment to her, how I have always disregarded her advice because I could never motivate myself enough to take it.. that I'm a miserable excuse for a life sometimes.. it just makes me break down and seriously think about killing myself. It's happened twice tonight.

Apav, your suicidal urges are warnings requiring attention. You know you are in the wrong place, yet you are torn as to what to do:

• Let events run their course.
• Act to shape the course of events.

Each involves risks and potential rewards. What's best for you in the long run? Do you need help deciding? Will you need help to act on whatever decision you make?

Awful Apav sorry I didn't reply to your pm last night! I'm sorry you're feeling so awful sweetie you don't deserve to! And hey, none of this talk about being undeserving of a true friend! We're all your friends and are here for you!! i understand what it feels like to feel like one big disappointment to your parents, i do, but ultimately they are your parents, therefore they will be proud of you and love you unconditionally nomatter what, becase we are all human and nobody is perfect. I beg just dont do what i did and drop out of college and end up doing a job that is nothing like you dreamed, i regret it and wouldnt want you to.
Just remeber im here for you, big hugs xxx