[veiledregret1234]

It seems like I should be doing better. I've got a good job, better interactions with my family. It all feels like a sham to me. I'm falling apart inside and no one sees. I'm alone most of the time, I even feel like I'm alone when I'm with my family or my son. It's like I live in a weird bubble. I can see them and they can see a distorted image of me. Have I really gotten that good at hiding the misery or do they just not give a damn?

Congrats...it sounds like you are doing better.
What is it specifically that you feel your family is doing (or not doing) that leads you to believe that they don't care?

[veiledregret1234]

Complete inattention. I should be used to it by now it's the way we are. I come from a very cold distant group of people. I just find it really hard to believe that they can't see something is wrong. I know I'm being unfair to them. They have their own stuff going on and I'm far to old to be dependent on them. It's hard to get my head around it sometimes though, even a simple acknowledgement would go a long way. I've spent so long trying to convince them I'm better. I've brought it on myself, the only way I've earned their respect is by hiding and giving up. I do the only thing my family respects, I work myself to death. Forsaking any hope of a normal personal life. I have no friends, I dread coming home from work because I don't know what to do with myself. I'm defined as a person by my job. I think some of my anxiety is tied into that. I just took a new job where I will get to come home every couple of weeks instead of every couple of months and I'm going to have to face isolation I can't explain away.

[Snowy83]

Don't assume anything without talking to them, depression tends to cover your eyes without seeing things clearly. I feel like that sometimes too, I would still feel lonely even when I was with my family, I guess that's because I really need someone who could understand how I feel, really get me. Do something that you enjoy to make you like yourself more, higher up your self-esteem.

[veiledregret1234]

Nothing makes me like myself more right now. I've tried, I don't enjoy anything. I work to fill my days, I hide from the world at home and the rare time I'm home. Part of me is unsure I want them to understand. It saddens me to think they would possibly lose the respect they have only so recently gained for me.

[dailyhealing]

When I am in my worst depression I cannot really accept comfort or care from others very well. My last really bad bout happened when life was going really well from an external standpoint. My internal experience however was very different. I perceived that people did not like me, I was crying all the time, I was very unhappy and it was all the depression coloring my reality.

I can certainly understand that feeling of it being a sham and also the feeling of aloneness even when surrounded by people who care about me. You aren't alone and it can get better! I'm glad you are here and hope to hear more from you!

[Leed]

Hi dear Veiled

[Leed]

Hi dear Veiled ~ It sounds alit like I used to be. I could be in a crowd of a thousand people and still feel alone. It was awful.

Finally I got into therapy and discovered that I was clinically depressed. I also realized that I'd been depressed since I was a very little girl. It explained alot of things, like why I was always in my bedroom listening to sad music -- that was the ONLY kine of music I liked. Nothing upbeat -- it had to be sad. I'd also grown up in an emotionally bankrupt home too. We got NO attention whatsoever. None.

Therapy helped me immensely. It helped my self-esteem and let me know that I was just as good as the next person -- even those kids in highschool who had all the best clothes and lived in the best houses -- YES I was as good as THEM!!! And as an adult, I was STILL as good as the people who lived in the ultra rich part of town!! Wow, go figure. What a concept, huh?

So today, I feel much better. I DO have to be on medication because I am clinically depressed and will be the rest of my life -- but that's ok. I still feel a whole lot better cause I'm just as good as the next person and SO ARE YOU!! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[veiledregret1234]

Thank you for the affirmation. I don't think meds are an option for me. I love my job and the two are incompatible. They've never worked anyway, I spent years feeling like a quinea pig. I'm totally isolating myself, hiding from everyone every chance I get. I got a new job that's going to send me home every weekend and I'm terrified that my family will really see what a mess I am. I was an outcast amongst them for so long because I couldn't control my moods, they finally respect me I don't want to lose that. All I have is my family, I've isolated so much I have one real friend in the world and she lives a thousand miles from me.

[dailyhealing]

It sounds like you are trying your very best to try and hold things together, and yet they are kind of falling apart. I know you say meds are not likely an option or havent worked for you in the past. Has anything worked to help you when you are in this space? Therapy? I know for me the only two things that helped were meds and therapy. I also learned to open up in real life about my depression and anxiety, but I couldn't have done that without the therapy (and probably the meds). As i said, we are all different and different things work for different people... But that is what has worked for me. I hope you are able to start working through these issues, and that you also keep posting here!

[veiledregret1234]

I don't know what works anymore. I've been alone for so long, this is the first time I've stood up and said anything in years. Therapy isn't much of an option either, I can't take the meds and work and I'm only home on the weekends. I won't give up this job, it's the only thing in my life that feels stable and safe. When I'm on the road I feel like I'm in control of something and I'm finally independent . This is the longest I've ever held down a job, that's gotta mean something. Interacting with new people terrifies me. Out here two sentences, I'm done and back in my bubble.

[dailyhealing]

Why can't you take the meds and work? Side effects? Or something else I don't understand. Posting here can certainly help us feel less alone, but if we are isolating ourselves in real life and want relationships then the only way to change that is to work on it. Is that what you are wanting?

[veiledregret1234]

I'm a truck driver so basically I can't take benadryl or use mouthwash with alcohol and work. I want normal relationships but I don't think I have the courage to try again. I've failed again and again, leaving my innocent boys to share in the aftermath of my mistakes. My oldest is reaching the age where it hurts him to see the things around him. He sees me when I can get home and then watches his father drink himself to death everyday. I haven't seen my 3 year old since he was 3 months old, when I left his dad he took off to another state and claimed I abandoned them. I've never had a healthy relationship with a man, nor my own family. My mother left when I was small my dad is very demanding and distant. My sister and brother come to me when they need money or someone to rescue them. No one has ever offered me a hand, I've been on my own since I was 15 nowhere to turn for support or advice. No good examples of how people are supposed to interact. So I keep going around in circles, taking whatever is offered by way of attention only to regret it later. Making my life unlivable to make others lives easier.

[dailyhealing]

Well that makes some sense now. That is a lot to overcome, and there is a lot of pain there. I do always believe that healing is possible, and that there are people out there who can help. I know it is hard with the job you have, but I would encourage you to try something in real life to try and begin taking care of yourself. There are support groups that run on weekends, therapists who work on weekends... I'm not trying to push you into something you don't want, but I go back to your origianal question of why you can't stop hating yourself. I think the way to answer and change that is to seek out some help and begin putting yourself first. I hope with whatever path you choose to take that you will keep posting here! I'm glad you are here and appreciate your posting about yourself, I know that is hard to do.

[veiledregret1234]

Thank you, I was unaware that it was an option to do these things on the weekends. I would love to get back into therapy and take back some of my life. I'm tired of being alone and scared. I'm definately going to look into that as soon as possible.

[dailyhealing]

I go to a NAMI www.nami.org support group on Sunday nights in my area. There are NAMI support groups all over the country. 12 step programs might also be another area to look if there is one that works for you. I went to ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) for several years in my early 20s and found it to be very helpful. It may be a bit harder to find a therapist who will see you on weekends, but I'm pretty sure that it is possible to make that happen. Thanks for posting all of this and I hope to keep hearing from you! If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me. Take care and try to be gentle and kind with yourself, you deserve it!

[TerryL]

My mother left when I was small my dad is very demanding and distant.

Have you examined your childhood experiences? I have always believed they are often the reason for many of our issues. I hope that you will consider therapy on the weekends or whenever you can as dailyhealing has suggested. I have had therapy by phone. (my T was in another country) Many Ts offer that although I think they prefer a first session face-to-face but I am sure they would try to accommodate you. I really hope you will find the peace and happiness you deserve. Don't give up and please post as often as you need. we are listening.

[veiledregret1234]

Thank you both, as soon as I get finished with my job transition and find out when my insurance will kick in I'm going to make therapy happen. I need this very badly.