[dreamer62604]

I am so sick of this, as I have said numerous times before, and I know that it is getting old. Really old, so I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm here ranting and being a total *****, which is what I am anyway. I mean I have things really good. I have a roof over my head, I have food on the table, clothes on my back, and I even have this computer, and television...and all these things that are a luxury...and I'm used to them. I like them, but still none of this can overshadow the intense sadness and total hate that I have inside me. I hate myself. I really wish that someone would just shoot me in the [censored] head and let me die. If I had a gun I'd do it myself. Damn, I need some pills or something, there's tons here, just mix and match, and boom, I've ODed, wow, that's a wonderful idea. Goodbye.

[b]<font color=blue>"On the plus side you killed the bench, which was starting to look shifty."-Oz of Buffy the Vampire Slayer[b]<font color=blue>

[dexter]

dreamer there is a lot in your post that i can relate to. i "have" a lot of things, place to live, things to "enjoy" but it all seems so hopeless because the depression won't let me enjoy any of them. and it has crippled my ability to function so severely that i spend a lot of time in fear that i may lose the things i have, so that if i were able to get past the depression, i'd be left in a physically bad situation out on the street with no friends. i am seriously worried about losing my home, have had no income for several months now and can't imaging being well enough to work again.

i'm on my computer a lot, and i watch tv a lot, but they all feel pretty empty because i no longer have any people in my life to share any enjoyment with. it has taken a huge amount of will power to hold on for this long because both my "logical" and "philosophical" sides say that even if i were well this is not the kind of life i want to live.

i'm hoping now mostly for a miracle, that i might feel better by working through this and staying on my meds, that i will be able to recover and work again, and that i might be able after all of that to start to regain some trust with my friends, or meet new friends, and that maybe that will be enough to get me through. I've given up on hope of finding any sort of personal relationship and my hope is that i can get by ok on my own for the rest of my life if i feel well enough.

it feels like a long shot.

i wish i had some magic answers for you. all i can say is please hang on and hope that things will turn around at somepoint. and in the meantime keep talking to people who can help and to people who can understand, like the people here.

today has been a particularly bad day for me anyway. no idea why, just felt extremely hopeless all day and stayed in bed most of the day, something i had been able to successfully stay away from the past few weeks.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[(JD)]

(((Dreamer))) and (((Dexter))) I know exactly where you both are, wondering why we didn't wave at each other!

Please keep posting. It is a way to continue. Of course it isn't the best life way, but it works in the meantime of your getting well. I wish to shae something my T taught me to repeat to myself over and over:
NOT NOW. When you reach lower than low and wish to end it all, say NOT NOW.

The rationale is that we always have the option of ending our lives. Many people don't understand how we NEED this option; it helps us get through the suffering. Our best we can do is put it off. NOT NOW helps us to put it off. No one knows what is next. We depressed believe that it will only get worse but that doesn't matter it is bad right now and we feel like we just can't do this any more.

Just thought you'd wanna know.

Please research anything I suggest before believing...

[kvinneakt]

Sucks. A bad place you are in now. Endure. It will pass. An eclipse.

One day at a time. Or one minute at a time. Just endure it bit by bit. The sun will shine again.

I am sorry it can be so hard some times.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[Peanut61]

I like the advice NOT NOW, a lot. Here's a good website to help. <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.suicidal.com>http://www.suicidal.com</A>

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[PlanningtoLive]

Dreamer, the other night I called my T at 12:30am and asked him to give me one good reason why I shouldn't die right now..............not any of the other ones that we had talked about, like my son or because he (my T) wanted me to live........something new and it had to be a good reason.

We got to talking about my night from hell and finally he said to me, "why did you call me? If you had really wanted to die, you would have just done it. You called because some small part of you wanted a reason to keep going........because that small part believes you should be alive. That is the part of you that we have to nuture and shelter until it gets strong enough to survive all the rest. The answer to your question was within you the whole time."

To some extent I agree with him. I could have killed myself many times - I tried twice last week with meds. The amount I consumed should have done it - yet I am still here. I don't want to be, but I am.

I "have" things too, yet in most respects they mean nothing to me because I hate myself and who I am - what I have become and what I haven't. I have choices to make: either improve myself or make sure I succeed next time in my attempt.

You also have choices to make: hopefully life will win.

Mary Alice

[darkeyes]

Have you considered talking to your doc/pdoc about how you are feeling? We are not a Suicide Hotline, we can listen but there isn't much more than that we can do, and it seems you need to talk to a professional in a Behvioural Health Dept., perhaps at a local hospital, and/or call a Suicide hotline too
Going on like this is not necessary in today's times, you can get professional help. I amsorry to hear you are feeling so down and all, but you need to get help, many of us have had suicidal thoughts and even close to carrying it out, but seeking someone to help was what most of us do, nothing is worth dieing for, believe me. . .I've been there, I know.
Please get some professional help, you are given one life, live it !!

Sincerely,
"darkeyes"

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON