I don't know how much more I can take...

I know the top of the page says no suicidal posts, so I'll try my damnedest to respect that rule...

So a lot has happened in my life since I was last here on this forum. Where do I start...for one, I was forced into being roommates with my ex-girlfriend...AGAIN. She went behind my back and signed us up to be roommates. Secondly, my boyfriend and I started having problems that all started one night when he got incredibly defensive over somebody asking him if he was cheating on me. After two weeks, he finally dumped me because he felt that we didn't "get" each other and he was sick of hearing about me talk about my problems. From that point on, my ex-girlfriend, who openly hated him, started making up things about him that I KNEW were not true just to hurt me and control me. Obviously heartbroken over him, I vowed that I would be the better person out of the ordeal and better myself for myself and that he wasn't worthy of getting to know the real me if he wasn't even willing to try.

I suppose he was quite angered by that statement because from that point on, he would yell at me EVERY SINGLE DAY at least once about how I'm pathetic, how I follow crowds, how I'm not my own person, how I'm a liar, yadda yadda. One night, I turned him down for a ride to a party. He was FURIOUS. He ended up somehow getting a hold of some liquor, anyway. I was drinking with friends at his dorm building as well, and I was a little tipsy. I eventually went up to his room, only to find him completely drunk. He kissed me, and ended up trying to get me to have sex with him. After I rejected his offer, he got very defensive and told me to leave and return to my other "lovers" (aka, my friends that he was jealous over). After that, he kept drunk texting me over and over again about how horny he was and how everybody hated him, yadda yadda. Me, now drunk and depressed/angry, I apparently showed everybody the texts he sent while openly complaining about him constantly.

The next day, after emotionally assaulting me YET AGAIN, he started going on about how I'm a lying ***** who broke his trust (apparently, somebody told him about my reactions to his drunk texting). I've fought with suicidal thoughts for YEARS. Things that wouldn't effect others as badly did TERRIBLE things to my self-esteem. I finally just lost it at the point where he was yelling at me. I grabbed a bottle of aspirin and locked myself in the bathroom, chugging half the bottle. He got scared and called my mother and my best friend to take me to a hospital.

Few days later, I was admitted into the crisis center for three days. I got prescribed medication for major depression and anxiety and while I haven't been taking it long, I feel like I'm getting much worse. I'm falling behind in work and class (even was a little while before my suicide attempt). I've been staying with my family who, while I love them to death, are starting to drive me crazy. My dad is too preoccupied in shoving his anti-liberal beliefs down our throats, and my mom is too preoccupied in shoving vegetarianism down our throats. My sleep has been VERY disturbed lately; I either don't sleep, or when I do sleep, I have incredibly horrible, terrifying dreams. Everything I own is breaking. I can't find a real job. I'm lacking in money. I have no desire to talk to any of my friends. I have no motivation to take care of myself. After packing my stuff and moving out of my room, my ex-girlfriend AND ex-boyfriend have both been trying to get me to do favors for them. And, last but not least, I just found out that, after only being broken up for a month, my ex has already found himself another woman.

I don't know what to do...everyone keeps telling me that things will get better...but I don't think they will. I've tried finding things to occupy my time, but I have no desire to do anything. I'm going to keep trying to see if the medications will start working, but I do not want to be totally dependent on pills. What do you guys think of this?

Any feedback will be much appreciated...

i'm not going to tell you things get better.

i've been hearing that 1 myself for ages and things never do " get better"

i think you should hang in their, try think to yourself... now what hobbies did i used to enjoy.. or what is it i truly want from my life.... then make steps to try make it happen

He sounds like a real piece of s***. He also sounds insecure, immature and selfish, and probably feels the need to belittle others to make himself feel more important. Weirdly, I find that a lot with men who are short. They need to make up for their lack of height by being jerks. I live with my family too and yes, they do drive me up the wall sometimes too. I'm feeling ok enough now to get my own apartment in November. I know how you feel about the money too. That's the reason I had to move back in with my family. I worked quite a few menial jobs before I got the one I have now, which is in my field. McDonald's was where I worked at one of the worst points in my life. I'm an alcoholic and I abused rx painkillers, and I'd hide them in an antibiotic bottle and take them to work and pop two at a time in the back. I hated it there so much that I went to go on a week's vacation and never went back. If at all possible, stay away from fast food. Since you're depressed, it will definitely not help. Retail isn't that bad, on the other hand. I was a cashier at Lowe's for a while and it was a great place to work. I know what you mean about a real job though. It took me 3 years to find one in my field. My dad is a conservative too, and he shoves it down our throats too. Thank GOD he doesn't live with us. Always with the Obama jokes, and he's racist to boot. I'm bi and he's a homophobe, I'm liberal and he's ultra conservative, I'm not racist and he is, you can imagine what a great time we have when we talk. He's such a good Christian. NOT. Thank goodness you have family though. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really bad, I literally force myself to do something. I tend to oversleep a lot on the weekends, I mean like if you let me, I'll sleep 15+ hours. Even though I have lost most of the enjoyment I got out of things too, I try to do at least one thing that I used to like, like going out for a cup of coffee, or browsing walmart or something, anything, to get me out of the house. Do you still see a therapist? I know it really does help to talk to someone. I don't know where I'd be, if I'd even still be here, if it wasn't for meds and therapy. When I first started taking them, they took forever to get into my system. I felt worse as well, but give it time. If in about 2-3 weeks you don't feel any difference at all, then maybe talk to your doctor. It takes time to get into your bloodstream. Are you still a student? Schools might offer these services to students free of charge. When I started FSU in 2001 they had free services to the students. After an attempt at jumping off of a 4 story dorm, I had a breakdown and went home to NC. But when I started back to my local college at home in spring 2002 I got help there and was able to make it through. Since then I've had ups and downs, like a rollercoaster, but the therapy and meds did help. I've been in a downward spiral since 2008 when I started grad school, and had another mental breakdown and had to leave and come back home. I think sometimes it comes in cycles for me. I don't know about others. It doesn't help that I'm heartbroken about a guy as well. I can't say I know how you feel about that bc I was never in a relationship with him, but all the same, it hurts. Don't listen to what that morons say to you either. He only says that to try to bolster his own self image. She sounds like a manipulative b****. I have terrifying dreams too. I think it comes with the territory. Some of the meds I'm on cause vivid dreams as well. Unlike being an insomniac, I'm a hypersomniac. If I'm left alone, I will sleep 15+ hours. I hate it, I wake up with a headache and my back hurts.

Please stay on the antidepressants -- it takes awhile before they start working. Some take as long as a month or so. So don't stop taking them. And you CANNOT abruptly stop taking them as that is DANGEROUS. You could end up having seizures -- these drugs can be dangerous to stop quickly, so stay on them and talk to your doctor. But believe me, they will start working in time. Just be patient.

I know that things sometimes seem like they're all going to pot at once, but things will fall into place once the medication begins to work. Then you will feel better and things will make sense. Right now nothing seems to make any sense, and everyone is driving you crazy. I remember feeling like that before my meds kicked in. It was awful.

I can't say that everything is going to be peaches & cream --but it can't get much worse, right? I would advise you tho to stay away from your bf -- he sounds like a real creep -- and someone who is NOT lookiing out for your best interests. He is NOT supportive of you. In fact, he is TOXIC to you. he doesn't seem to care whether you're depressed or not, and in fact makes you feel even worse!! So get rid of him. There is someone out there who would genuinely care for you and look out for you. You deserve better sweetie.

God bless and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

Thank you guys... I mean it.

Everything is just falling apart lately, and I'm really losing faith in life in general. I realize that it's normal to feel this way at first when first starting a new medication, but it doesn't mean that it's any fun or easy to deal with. And with the two main people who made my problems worse asking me for favors constantly, I feel incredibly insulted and used...especially with my ex-boyfriend snagging himself a new girlfriend who is younger than me so suddenly since our break-up, and STILL wanting me to do him favors.

Even disregarding my two exes isn't enough to forget about everything going wrong, since there's more to my issues than just their BS. I want to talk to my mother about how I'm feeling, but last time she found out that I was feeling this way, she couldn't understand why and constantly asked me questions that just made me feel worse. I didn't even want her to know about my attempt...my ex-boyfriend is the one to thank for calling her. ><

What I would suggest is to talk to people and try to be understood. I find that being understodd by others is always a positive emotion, since they are understanding and not judgemental. I would also suggest music, preferably uplifting, or physical activities (if you aren't too tired to partake in them). Obviously this guy is abusive and is a negative impact on your life. I tend to stay away from negative people. Lastly, think about all you have to live for. Pets, your garden, your parents and siblings, even something small to live for is an excuse to keep on keeping on. Remember, the day we stop caring is the day we start to cease to exist.

Please do stay away from him. You do not owe him any favors. If anything, he owes you! But stay away from him. And stay away from her too. She's as bad as he is trying to get you to do stuff for her. You owe them nothing. There is someone out there who is better than them. Do stuff for yourself, not anyone else. If you can't afford to buy anything, and boy do I know that feeling, then do something free, like walking, maybe in a park or something. Or heck, just watch a TV show you like and drink some hot chocolate or something. I love doing that. I hope things look up for you. You can always message me. I may not answer right away bc I'm probably at work (like I am now....) but I'll get it when I get a break.

Well, MORE updates.

Apparently, it's not normal to not be over somebody who you were with for almost a year after a month of being apart. That's what he (my ex-boyfriend) told me as he *****ed me out for not liking his new girlfriend. Then, he went behind my back and started talking **** about me to his friends. I went off on him and told him to never text me again.

I've been told that I did the right thing, but I still feel...wrong. Like any chance I had to make things right with him are now lost because of me. I don't know...

No, you did the right thing to help heal yourself and do not need anymore upsets. Whether it is with ur Pdoc or therapist you need to find a place to replace old habits with new, healing process that enourages ur goodness.

You totally did the right thing. Like I said before, he is probably very immature with a self-image problem and uses you to boost himself. You did the right thing, and you can do so much better!

Hopefully me updating this topic isn't annoying or anything--if it is, I apologize greatly.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I think I know what I need to do to make things go better. But I'm confused to if it's really the right thing to do because of a few contributing factors.

I need a new beginning, and my family is supposed to be moving to Nevada (which is on the other side of the country for me). For a while, I insisted on staying here and finishing up school, but I don't think I can go to that school anymore. I have to go on campus sometimes for tests and such, but every time I go, so many bad feelings and memories come back and the horrible feeling that sent me home in the first place comes back again. I told my mom that I wanted to go with them to Nevada and transfer to UNR (University of Nevada-Reno). Whenever she thought that I was staying here, she encouraged me to come with the family so I'll be close just in case something comes up. But now that I want to go with them, she's now trying to convince me to stay here. It's really annoying...><

I'd also be leaving a few friends behind here if I left and I know they'd be mad at me for leaving, but I just can't stay here anymore. What are your thoughts?

My ex-boyfriend sounds a lot like yours; in fact, we had a night just like the one you described. We met in college, and had an on-again off-again relationship since he cheated on me a lot. I let him get away with it because I didn't think anyone else would ever want to date me, but he finally dumped me for good after a year. We tried to stay friends because I always thought we could work it out again, but it ended up hurting me even more. He loved to play emotional games with me (even though he knew I still liked him), by calling me all the time to hang out, flirting with me, and then just when it seemed he wanted to get back together, telling me he was going to ask out one of my friends. When I finally got the courage to tell him not to call me or hang out with me anymore if all he was going to do was talk about dating my friends, he ended up calling me later that night saying he was going to kill himself because of me. Since I am no stranger to thoughts like that, I was concerned and went to check on him. He cried, pretended he still cared about me, and then kissed me and tried to have sex with me. I didn't have the strength that you did, I let him do it because I was worried about him and I thought it would fix things. The next morning, nothing changed. He went back to dating my friend, and my self esteem was completely gone. I felt violated. I then much more firmly told him NOT to call, that I didn't want to see him, I blocked his number and I deleted his facebook, etc. I even dropped the class we were taking together. He tried a couple times to get in touch, but I just never responded. It took a while, but isolating myself from him really did help. Men like that are narcissistic and have no shame, they love to see what they can get away with and will never stop unless you make them. They want CONTROL - I took it away when I cut him out of my life, and sounds like you've started to take it away too. You already showed more backbone than I when you wouldn't sleep with him when he was drunk; so I know that you can do this =) I know how hard it is at first; even now (when I feel really low) I get trapped in my own head thinking about what might have been if I hadn't cut him out. But, while the thoughts may never be completely washed out, if you don't keep reopening the wound by doing things for him or seeing him, the pain can be dulled. Hang in there, llafitte93, we're all here for you. -sciencegirl

Thank you so much for your words, sciencegirl.

It doesn't get any easier trying to forget about him. I mean, looking back, I realize we had a terrible relationship full of moments where he'd contradict everything he wanted out of me. But yet, I still miss him. I think every single day about what could've been if I had just been a bit more understanding and if he wasn't so selfish. I know that it's not entirely my fault, but I can't help but keep placing blame on myself. But, like you said, perhaps the pain will dull done over time.