[Hatter08]

So recently I've taken a good look at myself and realized something. I'm about as disgusting a creature as you can get. There has to be something repulsive about me, I don't have any friends or close family. I don't have a job, I don't have any social groups or talents and I'm too depressed to even do anything about it. On top of which, I've been so full of hate for so long that I honestly can't remember feeling anything else. I don't fit into society so I deserve this. I deserve to be miserable, I deserve to be alone. I should just start directing that hatred inwards. Just let it burn me out from the inside, till I don't feel anything anymore. There has to be a reason I feel this way, a reason I'm so pissed off all the time. I hear this buzzing in my head constantly and feel so sick to my stomach and tired and just have come to the realization that I don't deserve for anyone to care. I don't deserve happiness. I don't know what I'm expecting here. I guess I'm just ranting. I just don't know how much longer I can sit here and be around these people the way I am. I've lost the ability to even pretend to be happy. Now I just sit around all day and break into crying fits or start trembling out of anger and know that it must be my fault. For whatever reason, I'm completely alone, and completely miserable and the world keeps on turning but I just want it to stop.

I wish I had something good to offer people. I wish I could make people happy instead of just putting them down, but I can't. So in order to prevent doing any more harm, I should just be alone forever. The only good thing I feel I can offer is to disappear.

[Rohag]

Hello, Hatter08!

Originally Posted by Hatter08

I'm about as disgusting a creature as you can get.

Just my opinion, but truly disgusting creatures do not judge themselves truly disgusting creatures.

Your post in another forum here about your early history, that of you, your father and sister, says much about what could be behind your anger. That's no great revelation.

Please keep "ranting." What starts as a rant may blossom as a novel.

[Leed]

Dearest Hatter ~ Unfortunately I haven't seen your other post, so I don't know your background, but I can only imagine. I imagine that you came from a very abusive childhood - you didn't get any affection, love or compassion. This is just what I'm guessing.

Because of that, the anger from your childhood is coming to a head and it is going to"blow." After years of festering, it's only normal for things to get ugly. You are NOT TO BLAME for this!! And more importantly you are NOT a "disgusting creature.!!!" You are a person who has never received loving care, understanding, and compassion!

What you need most is therapy, my friend. You need someone to listen to you -- someone you can tell the deepest, darkest secrets to who won't judge you or not believe you. A therapist will certainly be compassionate, and understand your current feelings and help you to deal with them. I hpe you will ask your medical doctor to get you a referral to a good therapist. And I hope you will do it soon.

We care about you -- so please keep us posted, ok? And see a therapist as soon as possible, okay? God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[PsychWeed]

FWIW: I've flamed myself the same way, under the misguided notion it would "improve" me or "keep me in line." I can't claim abuse, but many's the time I've wished my parents weren't such upright perfectionists.

Besides the fact that I'm trying to learn radical self-compassion, I can say pragmatically that my self-abuse has NOT had the desired effect -- I'm no better morally, physically, financially or in any other way after such a bogus form of self-"improvement."

Please accept a bevy of cyberhugs ...

{{{{{{{ Hatter08 }}}}}}}

[unfearless]

hi hatter08, you know, you sounded very similar with my life story. i feel really disgust at myself, probably a bestfriend is enough, zero close family, i find my self so hard to get a job, i dont belong in any social groups i cant even survive in some groups of people, lack of talent, full of hate i am such a hater holding too many grudge for so many years, a miserable loner.

i know how you feel, how you just want to dissapear, i've been thinking about that almost everyday in my life. maybe there's a lot of people like us out there but we're enjoying being out of radar. im glad i read your post, knowing there's someone else fighting the same battle in this life.

talk to you later hatter08

[LadyShadow]

Sorry Hatter that you are going through this. I locked myself away for a long time because I couldnt function in the world. At least you are feeling something. Whether it be hate or anger you feel something. I felt NOTHING for a long time. Years even. You just have to try your hardest to focus that energy in a more positive way, somehow, someway. I wish you all the best and by all means keep on ranting on here. We are here to listen and just know you are not alone

Hugs

[Hatter08]

Thanks for the support everyone, its just hard not to feel angry and bitter all the time now.

@Leed - I am working on getting access to therapy still - its just that I don't have a medical doctor and couldn't afford a therapist anyway, since I've still got student loan payments but I'm trying to work it all out.

@unfearless - I'm sorry that you're going through something similar. It always helps to know there are others out there who know exactly what it feels like and I wish you all the best.

And of course thanks to everyone else for posting. I am feeling a little bit better today. I know it won't last long but its thanks to the little breaks I get from being miserable that I'm even alive right now so I'm just grateful to have one more good day and everyone here helped make it a little better.

I'll keep everyone posted in case things change.

[Leed]

Prayers for continued "good" days, Hatter. I know they're few and far between. but here's hope that maybe they'll be more frequent. Hugs, Lee

[Chortle]

To have no job, no friends, no talents, no goals, no accomplishments, no energy to do anything at all, and to feel completely empty inside. I know that feeling.

It's so hard to get it out of your system. I've recently discovered that I love psychology very much thanks to the depression. So I suddenly had all this motivation to read books, look up university courses, and to learn everything about it, but after doing more research on what it takes to become a psychologist, it really discouraged me.

What I'm trying to say is, perhaps find something you would enjoy or used to enjoy. Something productive to keep your mind busy and away from negative thoughts.

It's definitely hard, but we're all in this together.