[cluelesscher]

Hi,

First of all, thank you for anyone who reads this. I have to put my fears and anxiety behind me and just reach out here because I don't know where else to turn. Thank you so much. I really need help figuring out what I'm not doing correctly. I promise when I'm better I will return the favor and be supportive to others here. I look forward to that day.

I am in my late 30s. I was diagnosed with panic, anxiety, and depression in my 20s, and have taken Lexapro or Celexa since age 26. Around age 28 I was prescribed benzos and have taken some form of benzo every day since then. The combination of drugs worked for me until around the time I got married, about 3 and a half years ago. I started seeing a new psychiatrist who changed me from Lexapro to Seroquel. I couldn't function on it, and am still unsure as to why it was prescribed to me. I started seeing a different psychiatrist in 2010, and she put me on Cymbalta. That also did not seem to work well. I moved to the northeast from the south in late 2010 and started seeing a psychiatrist here (Dr. L). She switched me from Cymbalta to Effexor and added Lamictal. I began this regimen in early 2011.

My husband threw himself into work, and we have no friends or family here in the northeast. I used to be a very social person back home, loved people (still do), but I became a recluse and never left the apartment unless it was to grocery shop or see my psychiatrist. I started smoking marijuana which I had not done since I was a teenager. It was like I became a different person. I became dependent on it (I assume) and eventually smoked it every day.

In early 2012, Dr. L told me that since I could not afford to see her more than once a month, and because she felt I needed to be seen more often, I needed to find a new psychiatrist. While this made me sad, she did tell me she would help me find someone else, but I guess I was angry or confused, because I did not take her up on her offer to help me and just found a new one on my own through the health insurance company website, Dr. S.

I developed a serious staph infection in late 2012, and went through intense antibiotic treatment for it. Then, I broke my foot in March of this year simply from slipping on wet grass in front of the apartment. I decided in April that enough was enough and I wanted to get healthy and live again. I wanted a job. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be healthy.

I started seeing this new psychiatrist in April 2012. I told her I was interested in coming off of medication and trying holistic therapies. She brought my Lamictal down a bit, and then in May, switched me from Effexor to Zoloft. Within a few days of being on Zoloft, I started to feel like the dots weren't connecting. I went in and out of these deep dips of depression that I had never felt before. By this time, I was in the south visiting family for a couple of weeks. I called Dr. S to tell her about these symptoms and she switched me immediately to Lexapro.

When I came back here, she started weaning me off of Lexapro. By August, I was on the tiniest possible dose. I was headed back to the south for another visit with family in mid August. Dr. S told me if I had any issues to go to the drug store and fill this handwritten rx she gave me for Prozac.

Long story short, I ended up in the ER twice while back in the south. The first time, a psychiatric nurse told me that my serotonin had "bottomed out" and because I was on my period at the time, I was losing more and more serotonin. I was not in any frame of mind to think clearly or I probably would have thought "huh?" but I didn't. My family member and I believed him and anyway, that was obviously not the case, ultimately I ended up (per the advice of a family member) to voluntarily admit myself to the hospital (4 days, psychiatric unit). While there they increased the Lexapro and Lamictal.

I came back to the northeast after four weeks and went back to see Dr. S. She had me switch from the Lexapro to Pristiq and lowered the Lamictal again. She also said I should consider adding Abilify, that my marijuana use could have activated a gene for schizophrenia (?), and that I was making excuses for not getting out of the house, and I just needed to change my perspective.

I told my therapist these things, and she is in the same practice as Dr. S. She told me that this was not the first time she had heard similar stories from other clients about Dr. S, and that she was speaking to a partner at the clinic about her "on my behalf". I called Dr. S and broke up with her and am making an appointment with another psychiatrist.

I am at my wit's end - confused, sad, frustrated, heartbroken, don't know who to trust, if anyone. I have very little support structure. I'm not even sure what support system is but pretty sure I don't have it, so I am really on my own here. I know I can do this by myself, I just don't know who to trust or believe anymore. I am smoking marijuana again at night. The pain and thoughts are too much to bear. I can't get Dr. S's words out of my head, that I'm making excuses and need to change my perspective. How can I when I no longer care about myself at all? I am really just existing at this point with no hope for the future.

I have no plans to hurt myself and never did. I just want to be alone. I wouldn't end my life because someone else would just have to deal with me again and I don't want anyone to have to deal with me anymore. My biggest fantasy is to get in a car and drive to a cabin in the woods with my cat and just die alone.

[Just a girl..]

I'm so sorry that you feel this way :/ I wish I could do something to help you (((((BIG HUGS)))))

[Leed]

Bless your heart. It seems all these doctors want to do is push drugs on you.

If you want to try therapy without drugs, why not try a psychologist? I prefer them to psychiatrists any old day. Psychiatrists don't seem to give the feedback that the psychologists do, and that's what I want. Perhaps I just went to some weird psychiatrists or something, but all they ever did was sit there and grunt. The last psychologist I found was AWESOME and she helped me more than anyone ever did! I stayed with her for a long time, and she certainly gave me my "power" back. I got my self-esteem back, and felt like a million bucks!!

It's just a suggestion. A psychologist might be just what you need -- but then again you might need the medication, I don't know. My medical doctor had prescribed me medication for depression, and then I went to the psychologist. So it worked well that way. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[cluelesscher]

Thanks. So maybe I should switch to a psychologist instead of a LICSW? I didn't think about that. Thanks again so much for your reply! (btw - I PM'ed you before I even saw you had replied to this...ha! You are really helpful on the forums.)

[arachnophobia.kid]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much.

Now I am of course no professional but here is what I would suggest:

Once you are set up with a new therapist maybe you should think about asking him/her about weening yourself off medication. In my opinion medication is a crutch. I feel it would be good for you to try and develop healthier coping skills and healthier relationships. You mentioned that you used to be outgoing and you loved seeing people but become a recluse. I would suggest trying to reach out again, start loving people and loving life again.

Best of luck with your life, I am here for you if you want someone to talk to. Send me an email if you'd like

[Tsuki632]

In the 20+ years I've been dealing with depression psychiatrists have been the most unhelpful people in my treatment. The first one I saw usually dealt with children and not 16-17 year olds and treated me like a child. I'm a fairly intelligent person and did not appreciate being talked down to and patronized. One of the doctors I had the most respect for was the one who told me outright that he couldn't get his head around me and that he couldn't help me. I'm a big fan of "if you don't know, don't guess" when it comes to someone's life. The next pdoc I dealt with was when I was "formed" a couple of years ago, I get that 3 pdocs for an area bigger than some small countries means they don't have a lot of time, but I didn't feel like she listened at all.

My therapist for many many years had her Masters of psych and was amazing, she would call me on my BS and treat me like I wasn't broken.

Even after I moved 4 hours away she would still have phone sessions with me. Then it became clear that I needed in-person help to keep me on an even keel. My sister hooked me up with a doc who runs a counselling practice. She can prescribe the drugs but isn't a psychiatrist. She's just a family doc who cares and gives me insight when I'm missing it.

I've been fortunate to have two amazing primary care physicians who are very supportive. But I've also seen my share of lousy counsellors with varying degrees of degrees.

Try and stick with it finding a therapist you can begin to trust. Even if you start the first few sessions talking about their philosophy and treatment styles. Then move on to how you're feeling now. .. leave the doors closed on the other stuff until you feel safe talking about it.

Good luck

[garden gal]

cluelesscher,

Wow... psych meds can be so frustrating. It can be incredibly difficult to find the right combination of medications even with a psychiatrist who is competent, and who you have confidence in (and it sounds like that was not your experience with Dr. S). I think it is a wise move that you are trying another doctor, and maybe getting a second opinion.
I've grown to believe over 10 years of struggling with depression that a combination of meds, therapy, and holistic approaches (diet, exercise, supplements) is the most helpful approach for me... and that it doesn't have to be one or the other.

Your story about the ER nurse who thought you were leaking serotonin during your period (!) reminded me of a similar experience I had a couple of months ago. One of my diagnoses is SAD... the assessment counselor in the ER (with no humor intended!) referred to this as "Seasonal Defective Disorder." It was all I could do to keep from rolling my eyes.

take care! hope you start feeling a little better soon.
Garden Gal

[cluelesscher]

Originally Posted by arachnophobia.kid

Once you are set up with a new therapist maybe you should think about asking him/her about weening yourself off medication. In my opinion medication is a crutch. I feel it would be good for you to try and develop healthier coping skills and healthier relationships. You mentioned that you used to be outgoing and you loved seeing people but become a recluse. I would suggest trying to reach out again, start loving people and loving life again.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply! <3

I don't agree that medication is a crutch for all people. The pain that I feel comes from somewhere, because it also feels physically painful. I liken it to not just what we all know as "typical" depression, but adding in nerve pain - but flowing throughout my body and there is nothing I can do but feel it until it passes. It's bizarre, horrible, and impossible to understand if you have never experienced this kind of pain (I am not suggesting in any way that you have not experienced this kind of pain). I have not yet learned how to cope with that and function, without medication but maybe someday I will be able to. I think everyone who takes it would like to be able to do that, too! It's expensive to be this way! Agree coping properly is huge. If I had coped with my initially mild depression and anxiety in a better way I likely would not be in this situation. I am working on a volunteer opportunity once a week beginning later this month, which will get me out of the house again. Thanks again.

Originally Posted by garden gal

I've grown to believe over 10 years of struggling with depression that a combination of meds, therapy, and holistic approaches (diet, exercise, supplements) is the most helpful approach for me... and that it doesn't have to be one or the other.

Thanks. Yes. I feel like that is likely going to be the best for me too, especially at this time in life. I can't help but believe that the deep depression that landed me in the hospital was either a, a side effect from switching to an SSRI from an SNRI or b, I simply can't function due to clinical depression without being on some form of medication whatever that may be.

"Seasonal Defective Disorder." It was all I could do to keep from rolling my eyes.

Wow.

Thank you guys for replying, it has really helped.

[cluelesscher]

the last two days have been bizarre.

i guess as i adjust to Pristiq, i am feeling all sorts of different things. one, i am coming out of a fog but it's weird; i am still faced with all of the same problems i had before, i just can't ignore them anymore or i know i won't get better.

i feel like i am not making sense to anyone and a therapist and doctor both have told me i had a psychotic episode over the summer (from what i described) but it's like, i cannot accept that because then that means it could happen again and i can't handle that thought. it's paralyzing. how do these things happen out of nowhere?

i used to be self-confident. now i am filled with self-doubt. i don't know who i am anymore. how can being sure of yourself (your values, what's important, who you can trust) to being a lump of nothing? i feel like nobody likes or respects me anymore, and thinks i'm weird and pathetic. actually, i feel that way about myself and therefore everyone else must i guess. i cannot believe depression can warp one's mind this much. i guess i always thought depression was just "sad".

for the first time since...high school, i am afraid to be me. i don't know who "me" is anymore. i am 37. what happened?

thanks for just letting me vent. i'm scared of what's ahead and so far haven't really been able to get the help i need. it's tough though when i don't even know what help i do need is, since i've never had this deep depression before the summer when it began. i am seeing a therapist and just switched doctors but am just.so.pessimistic that i will be understood and truly helped.

my younger sister a couple of weeks ago said "what happened? you used to be so strong." man, that stung. i'm the older sister, and the person everyone always counted on to be there.

[Livebythesea]

I fell into my first depression so hard at 35 and then into an extremely manic episode...and since then - 4 years later - I am still in either a deep depression for months or an elevated state. I used to be such a different person...hubby says he can't remember the person I was. I understand how you feel, sorry I'm not sure how to help but I understand.

[Confusedinomicon]

I have a feeling moving closer to family and being reconnected with your support system in a more intimate way would help you tremendously. IF you can't do this, try to look for volunteer opportunities in your community.

http://www.volunteermatch.org/

I know that volunteering has given me purpose again. I'm working towards a paid job, but volunteering has taken me out of the house.

There are also support groups!
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Sec...iateFinder.cfm

Getting connected with people who experience similar affections can help you feel included. Support groups aren't for everyone, but you won't know until you try.

I think you are primarily experiencing a lot of loneliness and its making the depression worse. It seems you have become isolated and your husband is not terribly supportive. There is nothing wrong with seeing a pdoc/therapist. Nothing wrong with medication. However, we're social creatures and we crave human interaction!

(PC is a good support place too!)

The last thing I have to say is that how you experience depression is fairly common. Our brains process stress (depression) the same way as we would process a physical endangerment. That is why symptoms of depression often manifest themselves through physical ailments and weaken the immune system.

I hope you're able to get help soon!

[julie000]

hi

i am new to this community but i can relate with u, i've going through depresssion too, for years .... sometimes i wonder if i am really alive or am i just living for the heck of it, just getting through each day ... i know how u feel and i know there's no instant fix to these low feelings, guess we just have to keep going... hope things will get better, keep taking our pills and keep moving....

[cluelesscher]

thank you confused. you're right. i'm lonely and isolated and away from friends and family and human interaction. it's like i'm in a bubble now after two years this way. you echo what my therapist has told me, but for some reason, maybe because i've become so comfortable in my isolation, i am having trouble seeing forest through the trees sometimes.

thank you so much for the links! i'm starting training for hospice volunteering next week. i know i need a support group too. for some reason my husband doesn't seem keen on that and i'm not sure why, and he has the only car so i feel powerless. i have to force myself to find a way to get support. i'm sure i can find somewhere the bus will take me to.

thank you again - it really helped.