[sujunew]

You know the expression "lull before the storm"?! I'm wondering if that is what I am kinda feeling right now. Ok, so I have been on 'autopilot' for much of the past 3 months but I have felt emotions during this time. Right now though I don't and can't feel ANYTHING. It's like I don't care about what is going on, and even if I think about the crap my ex is putting me through this week I just can't feel anything. My mother suggested it was my defenses 'sticking up for me' but I now I think that as things go along the storm will hit hard and without warning... Yes I am totally confused and I don't even know what I am rambling on about. I am just avoiding everything I should be doing as I can't be bothered doing it- tidying up, dishes, washing etc etc etc- and I guess I am avoiding going to bed, which I will probably put off til after at least some of the tidying has happened...
Sorry about the rambling, like I said I don't even know what I am on about, just letting my fingers type whatever they want!

Don't apologise for rambling, venting helps. Others might come up with more suitable advice, but take it one day at a time. Can you talk to someone (a professional) about your anxiety? This might help to put things in perspective.

Your feeling that something 'bad' will happen might be due to you have gone through a rough patch and you want to feel prepared, thus the edgy/tense feeling that something is about to happen.

Talk to someone if you can and/or do the chores (washing etc.) or something you like maybe as an outlet (painting, riding, going out for a walk) so as to take your mind off the worry.

Anyway, sorry for me rambling this time. Good luck.

[sujunew]

How stupid do I feel??? I actually got myself all happy and looking forward to tomorrow this morning. By 10.30/11am I had had confermation that no2 was going into respite care tomorrow (Friday) night and I was finally (after the last 2 weeks being cancelled) getting overnight access with no1. I was meant to be meeting the respite carers this afternoon and again tomorrow so that no2 could familiarise herself with the house and the carer and I could get to know them too. It helped also that the family has another child in care- a girl I was an 'unofficial' guardian for for a while last year (she is turning 17 this month). No2 knows her and she is great with the kids so I was feeling really confident. Then at 4pm I started worrying that I had not heard back about meeting with the carer. Just before 5pm my phone call was returned- all access arrangements cancelled... too bad. After even saying to my nurse this morning that it was 3rd time lucky, and building up all my hopes for a wonderful weekend it was all shattered. I reckon if I had 'really' believed there was a lull before the storm I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up so high, especially as everything was all go this morning. So now I am just sitting here feeling like I have run into a brick wall again and am just bashing my head repeatedly against it, but there is no hole being made...

[sujunew]

oh- and then this morning my nurse asked me to list 5 things I like (and truely believe) about myself. As soon as she said that all I could hear was my ex abusing me- I guess he has done his 'job' really well. He has achieved in making me feel like the woman he has told me I am. Wearing my 'mask' I can pretend that nothing he has ever said or done has really affected me but confronted with a question like that strips the mask right away. I remember when I was about 16 and really depressed. I rang Youthline and the counsellor asked me the same question- obviously a fairly standard one but a good eye-opener- and I was feeling so bad about myself that I couldn't do it then either but for different reasons. Academically I know that there are loads of answers, but when you are in the middle of VERY heavy fog they are really hard to see.

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((irishsj)))))))))))))) I am so sorry.

[sujunew]

[walkswithspiritbear]

(((((((((((irish))))))))))) I so wish I could give you a real hug and let you just cry on my shoulder (left one please) My heart and soul hears the pain in your words.. I completely understand the line about five things you like about yourself.... I can't come up with one not a single one... see now I am rambling, but then again I am known for that... Here is my shoulder for you to use at anytime you like,.....Linda

[sujunew]

(((((linda)))))
thanks, if i could take you up on that offer of a hug i would! I guess that the good news today (as long as I don't get my hopes up) is that the benefit I am on may be wrong- according to the records I am getting such an amount of money but according to my bank records I am getting over $100 less a week. Thank you so much lawyer!! She found the discrepancy while filing for legal aid. I can't believe I have been struggling since March/April (well, I thought it was just my 'money management!) when I could actually be able to afford to 'live'. Hope this gets sorted out next week and in my favour... it's enough to put a smile on anyone's dial!!!

[LILITH]

Irishsj....sorry for your pain..... I know the feeling of trying to come up with 5 things.... I can't think of any for myself......If I were there I would give you a real hug..... something for you to hold on to.....