[Ohlostme]

Lately I've been SOOOOO depressed. It just seems to get worse as my life gets worse.

I've been unemployed for 5 months. I live in Southern California, which I hate. (It was 101 degrees today. I don't tolerate heat well, and the people here...ugh) I just had a skin cancer lesion surgically removed today - what an ordeal. OW!! I'm having problems with bullying neighbors (one vandalized my car yesterday). I have no family (only distant cousins in distant places, and only one who keeps in touch, occasionally), no man in my life (don't want one, actually), no income, no hope, no clue as to what to do with myself, no nothing. I've had PTSD for 46 years.

For 12 years I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself (career-wise, personally). I just feel empty, lost, worried about the future. Nothing ever seems to work out for me. The more I think about that the worse I feel. What's the point of trying to do anything, if nothing's ever going to work out? I'm tired of struggling and working so hard for no result. It's all struggle and no pleasure. I can't handle it any more.

I really do feel like I'm losing it. I can't drag myself out of this emotional hole I'm in. Someone on another board referred me to a therapist who does EMDR. I sent her an email (just a message to call me - the email didn't allow for any other text). She called and left a number, and I returned her call, leaving a message on her voice mail saying that I'm looking for a PTSD analyst. One who will work on an ability to pay basis (I'm living on unemployment and have no insurance). She called back and left word on my machine saying she'll look for one for me. That was days ago and I haven't heard anything yet.

Sometimes - every few years - I feel like I'm going crazy. Like I can't control my thoughts or my depression, like there's nothing to get up in the morning for, like nothing will ever improve. I'm well on my way down that road, now.

I've always had good coping mechanisms (as evidenced by the fact that I'm still here), but they're worn out. They just don't work any more. I've been searching for what I was "meant to do," as well as a new paradigm, for years, with no success. I'm lost, emotionallly exhausted and see very little chance of my life improving, down the line.

Now THAT's depression...

[Rhapsody]

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

I hear YOU and I totally understand where you are coming from and where you at right now in life.... I can honesty says that I started to get better after putting in my 10 years of constant therapy and inner work on self - the EMDR really helped along this path as well.

Hang in there and it will work out in due time.... PRAYERS going up for YOU!


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[dreaming2fly]

i so understand.. please know you are not alone.....

Kat

Don't give up, keep up the fight even though it might seem pointless.

Hopefully, a therapist will get back to you soon-ish so you can start some work together. Maybe she is taking long to get back to you because she is still looking around etc. Don't give up.

[Sabrina]

Yes, don't give up. You are dealing with so much right now over and above feeling depressed. That in itself is very draining. I really do hope you get feedback on the therapist soon.

Take care.

[Ohlostme]

Thanks for your support everybody. This is one seriously kind, empathetic and wonderful group of people I've found on this forum.

[Ohlostme]

A long post based on a really dreadful realization last night --

You know, I was thinking about it in bed last night – my life went into the toilet in 1986 and hasn’t come out since.

My childhood was a nightmare, for the first 12 ½ years (abandonment, abuse, drug addiction, a ghetto upbringing). Then I was ok – not great, but not terrible – until I was about 36 (1986). Then things got bad and just never improved.

In ’86 there was just never enough work, I was broke all the time. Men used me but no one ever loved me, family was just as judgmental and alienating as they’d always been. I get what I call “victimization times.” It’s when people seem to go out of their way to be hateful to me (like now). I’ve had them last for days, for weeks, even months. In ’86, it lasted all year. VERY hard to get up in the morning knowing that that’s what your life is going to be like that day. I went into a deep depression. Thought about suicide daily. Literally, I used to go to sleep, praying that I wouldn’t survive the night. Then, when I’d wake up in the morning, I’d cry, I was so angry I was still alive.

I filed bankruptcy in ’87. 1988 wasn’t notable for anything much. Then I was driven out of the apartment I loved by a crooked landlady and vicious tenants, in ‘89. I had to sleep on my mother’s couch – I didn’t like my mother. This was NOT a good option. But my only other option was sleeping in my car, so I stayed with her for a few months (and came very close to my first breakdown). While I was staying there, I studied graphic design at what turned out to be a rip off trade school. I was left $5,000 in debt.

In 1990 I moved into a sort of “guest house.” Had a bad year financially and almost lost it. In 1992-93 my acting career was assassinated (3 sexual harassment lawsuits). I sat around and did some traveling for the next year (trying to figure out what to do with myself, career-wise. The acting career was the only thing I'd ever wanted), then my money ran out. I had to go back to doing temp secretarial jobs (which I hate). August of ‘94 through May of ’95 my whole immediate (core) family died. I had to close estates. It took me 1 ½ years, and I had my first breakdown in October of ‘95.

In July of ’96 I moved out of California. I finally had my dream of living in the country, but it only lasted 6 months. My lease on the house I was renting was up, and my money was almost gone. There was not enough work to support myself back there. The adjustment to living in the country was very difficult. But, by the time I had to move, I was in love with it. It was like tearing off an arm to have to leave. But I got a call from someone I knew in California – an offer of work. I had nowhere to go, no family, and only enough money for one move. I HATED the idea of coming back to California, but that was the only offer I had, and my stuff was still in storage there. So, I drove back across country, crying all the way.

I spent every cent I had getting back to California and getting a cheap apartment only to discover that the job had fallen through. I spent the next 3 years destitute, “that” far away from being homeless 3 times. I had another breakdown and a suicidal depression. My cat had to be put to sleep. It was a REALLY BAD time.

In 2000, I changed careers and made some money, which was nice . But I was still in the terrible apartment building with a crooked, nasty building management company and even worse neighbors. They tried to evict me in ‘2001 (retaliatory eviction – very illegal). I had a psycho neighbor upstairs who hated me because I complained about her middle of the night vacuuming. She used to climb up on the kitchen counter and jump off, when she’d hear me in the kitchen. I have PTSD! My nerves couldn’t take it.

I found the building I’m living in and moved out in 2002. I spent months trying to recover from the harassment – went back into therapy, on (& off) meds. I became broke again, for a while. Very stressful. Then the upstairs neighbors decided they didn’t like me and started harassing me. It went on about 4 months (pounding their feet on the floor from 4:30AM-7AM each morning, going to their open door and harassing me verbally when I’d come & go, slamming pots & pans around in the kitchen, etc). I complained to the management company and they told me I could move into another apartment in the building, if I wanted to. There were 2 vacant – one downstairs and one up. I took the upstairs apartment. (I moved from downstairs front to upstairs back )

The psychos in the upstairs front apartment still harass me, when they see me outside of the building. I can’t afford to move. The management company doesn’t care. Then I discovered that the people in the building next door were in the habit of doing their laundry loudly at 12 AM, 1 AM, 2 AM, 3AM etc. – their laundry room is under our bedroom windows. I let that go for a year, then complained to the building owner. That made me a scapegoat for every hateful, childish person in that building – which is every tenant there (12 units). They began a harassment campaign – slamming their front doors at 3AM (all of the front doors are outside, no indoor hallways), slam-dunking their trash in the dumpster (my apartment is closest to their dumpster, so I get all the noise).

Harassment by bullies has been a lifelong problem. And not having money to get out of bad situations has been a problem my whole adult life.

Now that that’s finally died down some, a neighbor two apartments away from me has started – we only have 3 parking spaces for 14 units. And my back bothers me sometimes. Last weekend I was having back problems. I saw some “visitor” park in the only open parking spot and go up to that neighbor’s apartment (which meant I'd have to park blocks away and hobble back ). I just snapped. I called parking enforcement and had the car ticketed. (The management company has told me to have cars towed that belong to people who don’t live in this building). The neighbor was angry and vandalized my car, the other day. Now I have to park blocks away and walk back to the building, just so they won’t be able to take anymore of their petty revenge out on my car.

I’m also unemployed, uninsured and just had to have surgery on my face for skin cancer. Can you figure out why I’m depressed? It’s the cumulative effects of terrible life experiences for the last 20 years (and the first 12 years of my life). Can you also see why my PTSD is triggered again, and why I say I can’t see the possibility of things ever improving? This seems to be all there is in this life for me – struggle, deprivation, isolation, persecution. No wonder I don’t want to wake up in the morning. Who would, if they knew that they were just going to experience another day of pain and abuse? My dream is a house in the country, on at least 10 acres. It’ll be damned difficult to get, considering that I only seem to work half the time. (I’m a technical writer. There’s very little work. And I can’t make enough money to buy a house on a secretary’s salary. Roommates are out of the question. I have horror stories about my roommate days! ) And I'm 56 - not a lot of time left to build a nest egg.

Mind you, I’m a good person. I’m honest, I have a strong work ethic and I give my time to charity (currently, like reading books on tape for the blind and dyslexic, although I've donated time to many others), I take in strays...hey, I even feed the local birds every day, etc. No one has EVER had to complain about me in any building I've ever lived in. I don't prey on people. (The only time I take any kind of assertive action is when I feel like I'm being victimized. I won't take that and not fight back) And yet my life is hell. I know there’s no justice, but shouldn’t people have SOME enjoyment in their lives? Shouldn’t there be SOME balance? I can remember very few enjoyable times in my adult life, after my mid-30's. I never get to travel any more (no money), or even go to the movies more than once or twice a year (if that). I'm miserable all the time and go to bed dreading each new day to come (I have terrible insomnia, also).

I laid in bed last night thinking about all this and it became VERY clear to me why I'm depressed. This is a life...? What isn't clear is how to survive any longer this way, or how to make things better? I've read mountains of self help books, been in & out of therapy (when I could afford it). Nothing ever seems to work.

(Sorry this was so long)

[(JD)]

((((Ohlostme)))) yep, read it all.

Depression makes us look at all the bad that has ever happened and makes us forget anything that wasn't bad. Begin tomorrow with a clean memory. Try to note the ok stuff, and the good stuff too. Each day puts the bad into the past.

That's all I got for ya tonight, sorry.

[Ohlostme]

"Each day puts the bad into the past."

Except when it's the present...That's the thing - it never stops. Sigh.

Thanks, Sky.

[Counselor]

Well, this is my first post as a new member. I happened to see your post and just had to reply. I want to say THANKS to you for your contribution to RFB&D!!! As a visually-impaired person, I could not have made it through junior high, high school, college and graduate school without the services provided by RFB&D! Interestingly enough, just a few days ago as I was listening to a recorded book, my mind began straying as I thought about those who gave/give their time to help people like me. At the age of 12, I lost my sight and people who have so graciously given of their time (like you) have made it possible for me to continue on. I now am a counselor seeking to give back in some way by helping other people who are hurting or who have experienced trauma in their lives. Thanks again and please keep it up!!

[Ohlostme]

Thanks, Counsellor, for your feedback about RFB&D. I'll take this with me the next time I go down there, so that the readers can see that they DO help people.

[Ohlostme]

I got up this morning and, when I came out into the living room, the cats had been destructive during the night. It made me snap -- I can get up in the morning and find disasters waiting for me, but I never wake up and find joy or wonderful news waiting for me. Never.

[Ohlostme]

I have always had effective ways of handling the problems and disasters in my life. I’ve bounced back from things that other people would have killed themselves over. My first analyst told me that it was amazing that I’m as sane as I am, considering what I’ve been through. She also said I should write a book about how I overcame the things I did, because she thought my coping mechanisms were very creative and would help other people. (I started to, but I thought it would be too depressing for anyone to want to read)

With regard to my current crises, it’s been two things, really -- I’ve been blindsided by the diagnosis of skin cancer, about a month & a half ago, and then a victimization last week (my car was vandalized by a neighbor. My PTSD has been triggered). I’ve been consumed by the feeling that my life has always been bad/painful, and it’s never going to improve. I’ve been so lost in that concept that I couldn’t get past it. I’ve been angry every day, crying, etc. But I was watching Dr Phil today (good ol’ Dr Phil) who said something that made me begin to snap out of it.

He was talking about coping mechanisms and it occurred to me that, while so many things have been grossly unfair in my life, it doesn’t seem like those things are going to go away, any time soon (things like poverty, persecution, struggle without results, abandonment, feelings of failure, etc.) If these are things that really are going to follow me around my whole life (as it appears), then it’s not about my lousy karma, it’s about HOW TO COPE with those things, when they DO rear their ugly heads (cyclically). Right now, it’s bullying neighbors making me feel persecuted, and feeling like I have bad luck, like there’s no God, because I suddenly got a skin cancer diagnosis (I know that’s because of sun damage, but I’ve never been a sun worshipper! Why me??? ).

My coping mechanisms have always worked for me – pampering myself, buying myself some little trinket in a gift shop or going out to a nice meal, driving up to the mountains for escape, etc. I even gave myself the middle name of Hope, for my 40th birthday (so that I would remember to hang onto Hope when things got bad). Also, last year I wrote and typed up an award for myself, which I framed and put on the wall (I was watching an awards show and I thought, why should only the certain privileged few receive awards? I deserve one, just for not having gone totally bonkers or become a serial killer or something. So I created one, for being a decent, incredibly resilient person) But I’ve strained my coping mechanisms to the breaking point. They’re just not working any more. I need new ones. I’ve asked therapists about that, but have never had a good answer.

Anyone have any coping mechanisms they can tell me about, that I can try? (Keep in mind that I’m unemployed, so jumping on a plane and taking a long weekend in the Berkshires, while I’m SURE that would be refreshing and take my mind off my problems, just isn’t financially practical, at the moment) As with everything else in my life, money would solve everything – I could move out of this apartment and out of California, if I had enough money. Get that cottage in the country I want so much, start a small business of my own, etc. But, not having won the California State Lottery, I don’t have that luxury. So, on an AFFORDABLE scale, what do other people do, when they’re harpooned by life, and they need to cope? Thanks. (This is me, beginning to bounce back…I have to believe I'm getting better. Until the last year or so, I would have wallowed in self pity and anger for weeks or months before I started to crawl out of that hole. Hooray for me! I rock!! )