trigger... sa and si /ok sooooooo

each week my t gives me homework... and right now i have been really struggling with flashbacks and body memories... they are the hardest i have ever had... because it's not the same as a cognitive memory... where i can say this happened then this... anyway... i had a scent pull some of it together... and i am not liking what i am remembering... or i guess what it is i am putting together... i guess i have always remembered.... anyway every time i start to look the urges to si become overwhelming... so my t tells me not to let myself get to that place... well if i have to look at this stuff and process it... but can't do it without cutting... then how am i ever going to get through it... is it hopeless?... i know that i have been in this place before and got through... but right now it isn't helping....lyn

maybe then it isn'tt the right time to go through it =( or maybe not as "homework" since you are needing assistance staying safe right now - maybe you and t can look at them together? then do some containment and leave your week peaceful???

I completely understand what u r going through. I too have mostly only body mems. I have very fe cognitive mems, but mostly atribute that to the fact that i was trying soooo hard to imagine myself somewhere else, doing I try not to use sharp things, so I dont run the risk of causing permenant damage. Not that I am advising it in any way. But basically I wanted to simultaneously thank you for showing me I;m not the only one, while showing u ur not the only one.

ty

hold on out there!!!

trying

"trying"



me too

you ok?... i know i haven't been here for you... but, i have been reading... and i do care... soooo what's going on?...lyn

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bchlyn said:
...so my t tells me not to let myself get to that place.

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I don't get how T's can tell patients that. For me once I started digging around the body memories came back.... how are you supposed to stop... and say oh... I need to stop these because they are making me... SI, have nightmares, or avoid physical contact...or whatever. WTF, it doesn't make sense to me. Like they are saying "hey, in order to heal you need to talk about and remember this stuff....but don't let it affect your present life though.

i have a safety plan set up with him and the steps are pretty well set... if i get to a 6 on a scale of 1-10 i am suppose to take a xanax and call him... the problem when i get to that place... it's hard for me to get past the false messages i tell myself ... and i don't call him...lyn

mckell do you have a safety plan?... i know it's sounds silly...but it does help... when i can stick to it... and i also know that i will have to show my t what i did if i don't... i hate having to be accountable but, it does keep me pretty safe... most of the time... i am sorry your struggling with the same things i am.... i wish no one did...lyn

I am glad you have a safety plan

bchlyn, I don't have a plan for dealing with the body memories and emotions associated with digging around in my past. Is this something that you worked out for yourself or did you get guidance from your T?

I am very blessed because although I experimented with SI in my childhood and am drawn to this type of behavior, I do not engage in it presently. I seem to have a built in survival instinct that is stronger than most of my destructive tendencies. I've just recently connected the with the term body memories, as described by others, as some of what I am experiencing at greater frequency since I started to dig around and deal with my past. My symptoms are not distinct event memories, they are more physical/emotional sensations. Although they are not putting my safety at risk, they are seriously affecting my present life. I've been trying to manage them on my own, but I'm also fearful they will continue to get worse.

This thread has also made me realize that I have not really communicated directly with my T about the fact that I am having these symptoms. I've only really disclosed about my abuse in writing and we've only talked vaguely about it so far. I should probably open my mouth this week and discuss them with her directly. Especially since it is getting worse not better, so whatever I'm doing isn't working. :-) Just I haven't been able to go there yet.

it is a plan i came up with my t... he kind of held me hostage (jk) until i would as he said "give me something so i will know you are safe!"
this is what we came up with

1 distract myself - work, clean, read, listen to praise music... this is when i try and do something that is sensory...like walking outside barefoot...take a hot shower (not scalding)
2 journal
3 run on my treadmill
4 go for a walk
5 call him
6 take a xanax

the second part of the safety plan is...
he would like me to call him before i cut... but i will after.
if i am suicidal and am going to act on it... i had to promise i would call him and not act on it until i met with him... that there wasn't an option.
i know that if i call him he won't let me follow through... and i also know that if i do act on it there really isn't anything he could do... but...it does help me stay safe... and it's kind of good to know that there is someone who will hold me accountable even if i won't do that for myself...stay safe...lyn

(((((((((mckell, lyn)))))))))))

i think it is hard; "work on this, but don't let it take over your life" - oh ok sure. no prob.

but knowing t is right there all the way is a big help. my t is like Lyn's - safety planning and making sure i am in contact with her for the memories and destructive urges. I have noticed it is lessening for me right now.
I also know things are cyclic and right now I am grateful for the "lull".

((((((((((wisewoman))))))))) hang in there... the world wants you here!!

((((((((((((((hugs all around)))))))))))) plz stay safe all.