[Corvid]

I've had depression and anxiety ever since I was 7 years old. I don't even know why I'm here, to be honest, because I feel nearly certain none of you can help me. I don't identify with people who tell me to look to "God", so I wont hear that, and I've been to in-patient facilities, I currently see a psychiatrist, none of them have *ever* truly helped me. My family doesn't know how to deal with me (half of them are depressed anyway), because I've always been so straight forward about my mental problems, it makes them uncomfortable. It's the way my brain is wired, and no medications help me besides things like Provigil, which no one will prescribe. My poor husband does more than his best, but I'm a constant stress on him, and I feel like all my love is guilt.

It's the only thing that keeps me alive, my guilt. My mother died when I was 20, if I were to... let something happen to me, my father, brother, grandparents, etc, they don't deserve it on top of everything. My brother is in prison now because he took a bad path with is own helplessness and depression. I feel guilty that I would leave my pets, because above all they're blameless. Still, when I look at them, when I feel like I love them, all I feel is guilt that haven't played with them enough or brushed them that week. Luckily, I have no children to traumatize with this. My husband, I feel too much guilt about to even love most of the time. I don't know if I even can. I've told him he should leave, and he should, because I can't have any more people around to depend on me, to disappoint. There are times when I will literally "try anything to just feel better", and he's the one who gets stuck picking up the pieces.

It's almost funny. Sometimes it gets so bad, it hurts so much, that I start to laugh at myself for ever having hoped to be anything, do anything, that could ever make it possible for me to happy, and I make everyone who loves me miserable because I can only be okay if I fake it for them.

I don't want to hear about god, or treatment, or psychiatric care, or fancy rocks with funny vibrations. Been there, done that for ages, kept "holding on". I want to die - every night I pray I wont wake up. I wont do it myself. Too much guilt.

I don't know what I need to hear. But none of that means anything to me.

Maybe I want to hear that there are other people out there who have completely lost it, who know they're as hopeless as I am. And to try to tell me otherwise, well, it's been 20 years of this for me, and it never stops. It never stops. I've done all I'm willing to do, for 20 years. Since I was in 1st grade. No one deserves this, and I don't believe we're here to go through this for "a reason". Please don't give me that. My college major was psych, I study brain chemistry, and all I know is I'm so, so screwed. *Shakes head.* I don't know what to say. I know this comes from my own mind. I know medicine and talking haven't helped me. Exercise, holistics, and God haven't helped me. There is no help for me, not for this. If you're like me, how do you keep going? That's what I want to know. I want to know from people who are as hopeless as me, not those who have been helped, but people like me who *know* we are beyond help, what do we *do*? Wait forever? I feel like everyone wants me to wait forever.

How long can I be expected to live like this? Why should I feel the guilt? Shouldn't everyone who says people like me just need to "hold on", who keep me alive with guilt and shame while I hurt worse than most people with a terminal illness - It's so strong I can only describe it as a physical pain, even if I know it isn't - they should feel guilty. I don't understand it here. I feel like I've never belonged here.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Corvid.

You're right. I cannot help you. At best we can compare and contrast our experiences of hopelessness.

From what you've written, I believe you feel your hopelessness (and guilt -- there's a subject) more than I do. My experience of depression is marked by significant apathy and emotional blunting, consequently the years consumed by the illness do not consciously weigh on me all the time. Every once in a while I explode, but not often anymore.

What keeps me "going?" In my case, the "going" is pretty much just "existing":

• Meds
• a tiny family
• a dog, but he's passed
• personal inertia
• a wandering mind that tends to pull me along with it
• the weak remnants of interests and values

And also worthy to list:

• interacting with PsychCentral friends.

[shortandcute]

I understand you not wanting to hear about God. In my own experience, I've had a lot of Christians tell me over the years that, in order to get better, I had to:
go to church more
pray more
learn how to pray correctly
read my Bible more and memorize more scripture
give more money to the church
forgive my abusive husband for beating me every night (and day)
walk around quoting scripture
never admit to anything bad or wrong, because that could make God upset
never talk to anyone who wasn't a Christian
always smile no matter what
just have more faith, etc.

[two sons]

Corvid,
I really do understand the total and complete hopelessness - reading your email, I can totally relate. I am an "it"; an existence - a non-person. The only place I want to be is in my bed and even there the constant thoughts of suicide/death go around and around in my head.

The one thing that keeps me going from week to week is my weekly therapy session on Friday mornings. It must be very discouraging for my tdoc though - me being there every week talking about hopelessness.

I really hope things get better for you Corvid.

[Corvid]

Thank you to everyone for listening and trying to understand. The only times I've ever felt even a little better were on medications that are considered safe but not prescribed for depression. I mean, they hand out provigil, amphetamines, etc., to 7 year olds like they're M&Ms, but something that makes me feel like life is worth living? No, can't have it. As far as therapy goes, I only ever feel better with group therapy, because I understand what people mean, and I don't have to explain anything - there really is kinship in that, and my pdoc straight up told me he didn't think that would help. I don't understand it.

[Corvid]

I guess it's just an issue of accepting it, and learning to live with it. It's so painful, though, and there's more guilt in the fact that I have so much that other people want - a great home, husband, financial security, family, I've never been hungry, libraries, my own dang library - and I can't appreciate it. I *want* to appreciate this life, I've been so, so so lucky. I often find myself talking to the universe, apologizing, thanking it for my physical comforts at least. I know people are dying right now - *dying* or in pain from the cold and the hunger, and here I am crying over quite literally, nothing. I just start crying. I use the word Universe instead of God, I think... more of a "all the energy that exists" idea than a separate being though... I feel like I should have more power over this, but I'm helpless. Or that's how it feels. I feel bad for even complaining about it *right now*. *sigh* Thanks everybody.

[shortandcute]

I know it's hard. Even when things are great, sometimes these feelings can still overcome and overpower us. And it is pure hell to say the least. And sometimes you just need to vent. Please try not to beat yourself up tho. You are doing the right thing by coming on here and expressing your feelings.

[avoice]

Hi I read your about me and through there mite be a part of you that you like. I draw and paint (badly). I craft. I am. Would really like to get to know more about you.

[Alprazolam]

Originally Posted by Corvid

The only times I've ever felt even a little better were on medications that are considered safe but not prescribed for depression. I mean, they hand out provigil, amphetamines, etc., to 7 year olds like they're M&Ms, but something that makes me feel like life is worth living? No, can't have it.

You're going to the wrong doctor. I explained to mine that I was sleeping all the time and it was interfering with my life...she sent me to a specialist, I had a sleep study, they found nothing wrong...and I got a prescription for Nuvigil. If my doctor hadn't been open to it, I would have found one that was.

me too, i feel like i'm just "existing".

their are so many experiences in this world that i've not had, and for that matter, don't want to have.

i don't even know what i want anymore... even down to- i don't want to live, but i don't want to die- and when you can't even figure that out, then you've got a problem.

what keeps me going?

music, PC, internet in general, and simple things... eating, breathing, drinking... i know it sounds weird- but the really daily essentials mean everything to me and i'd be lost without them.

also because i've " tried", many times before... once almost succeeding, and also ending up wheelchair bound- so i guess i don't want to be anymore messed up in a physical sense

oh yeah, and the uncertainty... if i died tomorrow- would i miss something really good

probably not- but you do have to think about it

[Stardusted]

First you need t exhaust the list of meds. It can take years to get the right combination and right dosage. You'll need to find the patience to go through this process because it can be long and hard. If you are truely resistive to any drug treatment there are other more invasive alternatives.

Once you are on the right meds it might feel good to talk to a therapist or a good friend.

[WrongTurn]

Originally Posted by Corvid

I've had depression and anxiety ever since I was 7 years old. I don't even know why I'm here, to be honest, because I feel nearly certain none of you can help me. I don't identify with people who tell me to look to "God", so I wont hear that, and I've been to in-patient facilities, I currently see a psychiatrist, none of them have *ever* truly helped me. My family doesn't know how to deal with me (half of them are depressed anyway), because I've always been so straight forward about my mental problems, it makes them uncomfortable. It's the way my brain is wired, and no medications help me besides things like Provigil, which no one will prescribe. My poor husband does more than his best, but I'm a constant stress on him, and I feel like all my love is guilt.

It's the only thing that keeps me alive, my guilt. My mother died when I was 20, if I were to... let something happen to me, my father, brother, grandparents, etc, they don't deserve it on top of everything. My brother is in prison now because he took a bad path with is own helplessness and depression. I feel guilty that I would leave my pets, because above all they're blameless. Still, when I look at them, when I feel like I love them, all I feel is guilt that haven't played with them enough or brushed them that week. Luckily, I have no children to traumatize with this. My husband, I feel too much guilt about to even love most of the time. I don't know if I even can. I've told him he should leave, and he should, because I can't have any more people around to depend on me, to disappoint. There are times when I will literally "try anything to just feel better", and he's the one who gets stuck picking up the pieces.

It's almost funny. Sometimes it gets so bad, it hurts so much, that I start to laugh at myself for ever having hoped to be anything, do anything, that could ever make it possible for me to happy, and I make everyone who loves me miserable because I can only be okay if I fake it for them.

I don't want to hear about god, or treatment, or psychiatric care, or fancy rocks with funny vibrations. Been there, done that for ages, kept "holding on". I want to die - every night I pray I wont wake up. I wont do it myself. Too much guilt.

I don't know what I need to hear. But none of that means anything to me.

Maybe I want to hear that there are other people out there who have completely lost it, who know they're as hopeless as I am. And to try to tell me otherwise, well, it's been 20 years of this for me, and it never stops. It never stops. I've done all I'm willing to do, for 20 years. Since I was in 1st grade. No one deserves this, and I don't believe we're here to go through this for "a reason". Please don't give me that. My college major was psych, I study brain chemistry, and all I know is I'm so, so screwed. *Shakes head.* I don't know what to say. I know this comes from my own mind. I know medicine and talking haven't helped me. Exercise, holistics, and God haven't helped me. There is no help for me, not for this. If you're like me, how do you keep going? That's what I want to know. I want to know from people who are as hopeless as me, not those who have been helped, but people like me who *know* we are beyond help, what do we *do*? Wait forever? I feel like everyone wants me to wait forever.

How long can I be expected to live like this? Why should I feel the guilt? Shouldn't everyone who says people like me just need to "hold on", who keep me alive with guilt and shame while I hurt worse than most people with a terminal illness - It's so strong I can only describe it as a physical pain, even if I know it isn't - they should feel guilty. I don't understand it here. I feel like I've never belonged here.

Yeah I have an ideal of how you feel. I just want it to end too. The waiting is really great huh! I have been trying to just block it all out. To make myself numb as possible, let the days blur together and forget.
Just drop it all! For some I really dont think there is relief, no getting better.
Hope to me has mostly been a killer, a knife twisting in my side. It makes me long for things I will never have.
So turn it all off! Harden yourself as much as you can.
Drop your guilt and laugh at the absurdity of it all. You know this world is not right and we cant change it.
One good thing, it wont go on forever, so there that