Broken

I knew tonight was going to be bad but still, I had hope. As usual any hopes I ever have for the future are ruined. The visit with my girlfriend went sour and I had to walk out. She just had to press me about what was wrong with me. She had to push and I broke down hysterical crying. I had asked her to contain her happiness to a minimum and she was doing good for awhile but now wants to go back to her old ways. I didn't know how to explain it to her except to say that you don't go around parading your own happiness in front of someone who is drowning. Then, she has to ask me why I'm drowning?? Really? She didn't know? Let me count the ways:

1) I have no children
2) I have no one to love me
3) I'm unattractive to men
4) I have no one to hold me and comfort me
5) I have nothing and no one to live for

No I'm not killing myself. I'm just upset. If this is not a trigger, then I don't know what is. She wanted me to stay and watch a movie and get my mind off things. That's not the answer. There is no answer and she certainly could not help me. No one can help me. I even feel sorry for my T because I know he wants to help me but can't. I have to block all of this out of my mind. I have to block it out in order to function. I can't rehash this with her all the time. It is to much for me. I need my T to comfort me. I have to wait until next week. Sorry, I needed to vent here. PC is my little secret that no one knows about. TG no one here knows me.

i'm sorry for the way you're feeling michelle.

hugs

1 thing i will say that's positive, you did post you feel know one can help you- well.. you're posting here, so somewhere in you you must still have hope

Michelle25, I have the same list!!! I want to be dead a lot, but I have no plans to be the cause right now. I'm in a really low place as I have related in other posts here, but I have found some solace here. I hope you do, too.

The feeling of being utterly alone is horrible -- especially when you are feeling so weak that you can't lift up your head enough to see those around you, nor can you look deep enough within to see the wonderful, special creation that you are.

I often feel alone, but it is usually better when I try to reach out. After a rejection, though, sometimes it's too scary to take the chance.

Give yourself some time to recover from this latest rejection. And do nice things for you. We need nurturing when we are not well, but sometimes we have to nurture ourselves...

Thank you so much PC friends for your replies. Your words and hugs bring me comfort.

It's my list too. But I'm working on it. Plus I think I'm older than you, so that closes even more doors. But I'm working on the man door - I signed up for okcupid. I haven't posted my picture or responded to anyone, but I have answered a hundred questions or so, and at least it's fun to mentally reject men of the "opposite" political party or anything else that might be important to you. Hey I'll take my ego boosts where I can get them.

Hugs, Michelle25. I'm sorry that your friend was insensitive, sometimes our friends just don't get it. I'm glad you can come here and vent. It can be very therapeutic, can't it, just to write things down and get them off your chest, and it's nice to get replies from people who understand. I think that is the problem with your friend, she is trying but unless she has been depressed herself, she won't really know how sensitive you might be. That's probably why she wants to rehash things all the time, so she can understand. You sound a sensible person, you probably know all this already . Hope you feel better soon.

I'm sorry things are so rough for you. I think other people that don't have depression can't understand how sad a person can feel. Watching a movie doesn't just snap you out. When I start getting depressed I usually isolate myself. No one I have ever tried to explain it to, has understood except for wife and it took me 8 years to tell her how bad, bad really is. I'm sorry that you don't have anyone to love you or children. I doubt every man thinks you are unattractive. I bet there is someone out there who thinks you are beautiful. I used to feel the same way about myself. I think it was mostly my self-esteem. I wish I had advice to give on how to find someone, but I suck at making connections. If there is someone out there who can love a super depressed guy with no self-esteem I have hope for you.

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry I kind of know how you feel

These three:
"2) I have no one to love me
3) I'm unattractive to men
4) I have no one to hold me and comfort me"

Really hit home. It sucks when you see so many happy people around you and you feel like you're drowning in loneliness.

I really wish I had more advice to give you, but I'm in the same boat.

All I can say is stay strong, don't let anything pull you down, you can do this. Keep your head above water and pretty soon you'll be swimming with the current as opposed to drowning in it.

That's about as close to my problem as you can get without actually being me. I have no support system at all. Just had one person who claimed to be my friend playing some of the cruelest head games imaginable over the past four years. Sick of having no one to talk to.

Like it or not, I have to suck it up and go see this free clinic again and try to get meds that actually work. My life is empty. I go to work so that I can pay the bills that I make just by living in an apartment so that I can go to work. Pointless self-perpetuating circle. I have no life. I'm still here only because I'm a coward. I serve no function. Nobody needs me for anything at all.

Thanks for reading my post Adam. It was written awhile ago and I thought it was dead now. I appreciate your saying that seeing a movie does not snap you out of depression. Actually, this friend of mine uses movies to escape her life, I think. She already knows what it's like to be depressed, she has just forgotten. She "forgets" as soon as good things happen in her own life. She can only commiserate when she is also down.

I also appreciate your saying that you doubt every man thinks I'm unattractive...and that someone out there thinks I'm beautiful.
You hit a chord with me when you said that. Knowing you are a man (Adam must be male right?), it means something to hear those words from a man. It has been way too long since I've heard them. I know you didn't say that I'm beautiful (you haven't seen me) but it doesn't matter. You think someone else might think I'm beautiful? I wish so too. I need to hear it so bad like so many other girls. Why is it so hard to find someone? If I were truly beautiful, I would have no problem at all meeting a man. Sorry, I digress. I just want to thank you for your response. In spite of my tears, you've touched me in a good way.

No, Im not hanging out here trying to fix everyones problems.

Theres a song stuck in my head lately. I love the sound of it and in the words of it is the line : The thoughts will linger on, of the lady and her song.

I was thinking about it and your post at the same time. I can understand how important it must feel to believe you are physically attractive and society supports you in thinking that way. Ive worried about it myself.

But the words of the song say the lady has a song. Its her song. I like to think of it that way. Maybe you arent a supermodel but you still have a beautiful song.

1) Hi Stormymermaid, I'm sorry you are in the same boat as me. Unfortunately, I don't have much hope for myself. Life is like a tease. One day I see a rock in the distance and I think, there might be something for me behind the rock. Then, I finally get to reach it and look behind the rock and find nothing. I hope you have better luck than me Stormy.

2) Hi Helplesshopeless, I'm so sorry you feel the way I do as that is a bad place to be. Sometimes it helps me to post here on PC when I have no one else to talk to. You have really nailed the feeling with "pointless self-perpetuating circle" excellent description. My sentiments exactly. I also feel that I'm still here, not so much that I'm a coward, but because life is so very short. I know nature will take care of my ending soon enough.

3) If anyone is out there that has found their significant other/soul-mate, hold on tight. You are fortunate indeed.

Hi Allimsaying, You are funny (as my sad tears run down my face ) with your comment about "fixing everyone's problems". I recently read your post about that. Appreciate the humor and your response.

I don't know the song you are thinking of but I get your sweet meaning. Why do some people meet their partner in life in highschool and others search their entire lives for it? Some never finding it at all. So sad.

I agree. If it was only waiting but being certain one day it would happen then it could be done. Not finding it at all is the saddest if its the one thing you really want. I cant tell you it will definately happen. I wish I could