really bad triggs here

edit rewrite

so my fiancee or ex i dont know which refuses to call me to let me know her feelings shes on the boards today. were both members here she joined after me. i have 2 days left and after the 27th i dont know what i will do. im out of meds (thinking of taking the rest) i cant get help here in AR, im starting to abuse drinking. im starting to abuse myself for the first time in a year since last time we split. ...(crying).... she miscarried last year blamed it on me and i killed myself.... i really died but i woke up the next morning.. i had enough lithium in me at the time that i should have died now i wish i would have because she says i hurt her. i guess its hard on me from my family standpoint.. i dont have a job or money i cant get the help i need... she is getting the help i want so bad ... i have no one here to talk about my problems with except you all.... i hacked her facebook again and all that i could to see if its over.... i pray that its not i dont want to lose her on our 23rd month anerversy..... the only place that i want to talk to her is here i want to work things out then i want to once were broken up and clear i just want to go into a hole for a few years .... (still crying).... i wish where i lived had help like she was getting... but come the 28th i dont know.. i dont know if i deserve help anymore cathy gave me everything that i ever wanted a family someone i could trust and she turned on me all because i hung out with our frinds when we lived in PA then i did it to her with my cousins friends in TN ... i knew nothing before her ... she was my first in each way... and i have made up my mind about what me and her jokeling talked about... theirs no point my life is a waste of money on my family and theses friends who are not my friends.... cathy was the only one that i loved and trusted .... i wish i could tell her it all know.

i miss my father he died in 09 i just want his advice. he died at 54....... i cant even see the screen guys im done for right now... well i hope that i will be ok...if im not on for a time message explodingpies shes a member on this forum tell her i love her and to live her life.....

Hey James? What kind of treatment are you getting right now? It sounds to me like you need to be in treatment, immediately. Please get yourself to safety, okay? We want YOU to live YOUR life. You really do still have a life and it can become a good one. Things *can* get better. Please take care.

None what so ever. I live in north central Arkansas
.. i know i need help but their is no help that i can find. It was easier in east Tennessee
. I switched my ssdi from Tennessee to Arkansas so i cant move back .... thats where my fiance or ex. I hope fiance is. Shes getting great help. Her and my best friend are keeping me alive
.


Love
James.

I second the motion(s).
As best you can, and if it isn't too upsetting, imagine what he would tell you now. You don't need to share it with anyone -- it's just between you and your father.

Thanks on my dad part. Its hard. It is for me... i love this girl over my life. Because i never had a life. I was what others wanted. She was the first person to ask what i like. She is the best person in the world. Though i never told her. I look up to her. Like i looked up to my dad. I forgave her when she was talking to another man. I gave up on me for her.

Its easy to become lost in a relationship, especially if you've only had a few and it feels like this is the only one you'll ever have. I know the pain well and only gentleness with yourself and time will begin to ease the sadness and feelings of loss. Mostly you are probably feeling a lot of rejection and that no one will ever feel the same about you again. Its true that the person you love has a unique way of caring about you and no one else can give you the feelings just the same as you've had with this girl but try and remember the world is full of people also searching for someone else and in time your paths will cross. Try not to give up on love but ask yourself some really serious questions about how to be in a relationship and not take too much from it while still putting in enough to keep it going. This from a happily single person who is not in a relationship at all right now. Maybe focus on your own happiness first to the degree that you are filled with the life and energy someone else would like to be a part of. So sorry about your dad

Thanks for that. Im so lost today.

James, I can well imagine that treatment is REALLY hard to find in your neck of the woods. How is it that your ex girlfriend is getting good help and you are not? Is she seeing the only therapist in the area? (That's not a sarcastic question. I grew up in rural Montana and faced trouble getting help because there were no real options, so I get it about being out there somewhere.)

Hi James;
I sure hope your relationship works out the way you want it to. I've lived a long time and one thing I am sure of is that you never know what tomorrow will bring. I also hope you're feeling a little better by now. If things get to the point that you can't handle it please go to the ER and you will get some help there. Give things time to work out. They usually do. Stay with us. there's a lot of help right here

Thanks ray.

I dont know today the 27th is our 23rd month. Together... though we have been apart for 3 weeks. I feel ok i just got some info about her. Shes doing ok... i myself might go to the er.... im tired of the abuse im putting myself though. Im scared to go back to god. I miss my cathy. I love her more then myself. But i might be better today. Im going to try to be happy. Without booze or without abusing myself. For the next 24 hours. Im going to bed right now.

Thank you all. I will keep you posted.

Montana shes in Tennessee i moved back in with my mom in Arkansas....

Ah okay, now I follow. It sounds like going through the ER might be a viable option for you then. What other treatment options exist where you are? How about at the county level? Through the county human services agency, for example?

You really, really need to get into treatment, my friend, if at all possible. Since you're on disability, can I presume that you've had some treatment in the past?

July or August i will have my ssdi. I have no insurance

Okay. That means you could be seen, if the resources exist, through your county or state human services system, for free or on a sliding scale. If you have no income, there are programs available from the drug companies to provide medication. They are kind of difficult to find, so it would be helpful for you to have someone who can assist with jumping through the hoops.

well today was ok... it was our 23rd month but she still has not talked to me... going on 3 weeks now... i have one hour left in the day that i said i would be happy.... i went to go see the hobbit it was upsetting that they are putting it in 3 parts ... but i felt normal... plus i was the only one at the movie which was great for my axity...

James, what you are doing falls into the range of stalking. It is inappropriate no matter how you feel about her and you MUST STOP. If you continue to try to contact her in any way after this, you are quite possibly breaking the law and subjecting yourself to criminal charges.

If I were your ex-girlfriend, I would have long since gone to court and gotten a restraining order that would include ANY form of contact. Email, phone, texting, Facebook, ANYTHING.

You are also, in my opinion, out of line in posting this personal communication from her in this open-to-the-public space.

I realize you are in agony. I get it. It is time to man up and live with the world as it is. You can and WILL survive this and life WILL get better. This is a time to be endured.

I also realize this post will be very hard for you to read. I want to support you, and sometimes support feels uncomfortable.

ETA: Are you saying she is a member on here? Then it's time to stop trying to communicate with her in this venue, too.

she came onto this site to see what i was talking about i came here for help she followed me.... she hurt me and here in a week she will call saying she loves me again and i dont want to fall for it again.... for 2 years she has done this to me... i dont know how to get out of it... last time she pushed me to suicide..... she has been hurting me far to long... but when im with her i dont hurt... when were together i fight for her i just dont know what to do now that im alone... the only plus is im not going to kill myself this time... killing myself would be selfish and i try to be selfless... EH.... i gotta go im feeling bad...

Sounds like one of the things you really need to do, for YOU, is to stay away from her. Neither one of you is in a place to have a healthy relationship, plus you have way too much baggage with each other.

I know it's hard. It WILL get better. You WILL learn how to be alone. One day at a time is so cliche', but it's true.

thanks montanan

i have some good news!!!! i have doctor apointments on the 14th and 15th of this month for my SSDI so im looking forward to that... she is still a constant in my mind but if i have something to do then i think about that...

guess i am being harsh on my ex i just want some answers .... im dealing with suicidal thoughts .... dont worrie i wont do it...just its their im ok looking forward to the 14th and 15th for my apointments then my brother graduates at the end of the month from basic .. thats the short term that keeps me going ...

Thank goodness for those kinds of short term expectations/hopes/anticipations!

As for the suicidal thoughts, the best advice I've heard is to just let the thoughts come, acknowledge the thoughts without making a big deal of them, and just let them go. When they return, do the same. In time the emotive impact of these thoughts tends to diminish.

never thought of it that way rohag... i just try to fight them from not coming...