[Rose76]

I am very depressed.

Friday, I managed to get out and get my laundry done - right down to the scatter rugs. That got me so pleased with myself that I was just about to cook some supper. (a big step up . . . been just eating cereal.)

First, I called my friend whom I check on at least twice daily. He said he was sitting on the floor and couldn't get up. I drove over to help him. I did and he was alright.

I stayed with him that night. Then, yesterday, I got hurt by something he said. I was criticising how much food he wasted. I was being kind of mean, truthfully. He asked why I cared. I said that it was because I am living kind of poor on a tight SSDI budget, and I have to stretch every dollar and not waste a thing. He replied that me being poor was my problem and not his problem. He further said, "You made yourself poor."

We have a great many years together as S/Os. Living together didn't work, but we stayed best friends, even though apart. There were many times that he had serious problems. I never said, "That's your problem, not mine."

I am very depressed . . . partly because I feel my life has been pretty loveless. It has been very lonely, since not working. He has told me that there is no reason for me to have given up trying to work. He does not believe in depression. He tells me I'm lazy.

I won't believe anything he says about being sorry. He probably will. He'll say the words just came out wrong. But he is pretty darn good with words, so I won't believe that. Words mean a lot to me. He says I talk too much. He makes it clear that he's bored with me a lot of the time. He never considers how boring it is for me to be with an aged man who sleeps most of the time now, even sitting up. It's lonely for me.

I want him to say he appreciates me. I want his adult children to call me once in a while and say something nice. None of that will happen. I don't want to stay with him, and I don't want to be alone. So I am stuck in depression. Maybe if I find more laundry to do, I will get proud of myself again.

It really is a big decision that I'm in the middle of. I can't keep putting a toe in and then stepping out. He is elderly and frail and not managing safely on his own. I can't sort of be his caretaker, but run away from that when I feel hurt. If he needs help and I don't want to be the helper, then he has to know that. His kids have to know that. Where he lives has to know that. I'm listed on the lease as the primary caregiver.

[allimsaying]

Hi Rose, Im not sure I know very much about to help you with this. As an outside observer Im picking up on a few things tho. One is that he is not being sensitive of you. Maybe its because his own pain is so large and present for him that he doesnt have the strength to see past it and acknowledge your own pain. Relationships work best when it is a two way street and it really sounds like yours is becoming one way traffic. Also, his kids might be so busy in their own lives they are narrow focusing and just hoping against hope that you can carry all the weight?

You must do something about your own depression. You are not Atlas, None of us are. Even in the best circumstances I believe when dealing with our aging health there comes a time when we have to admit we have done all we can for those we love and care for and health management has to be given to those professionally prepared in dealing with it. That doesnt decrease how much you care, just facing how much you can give.

[Rose76]

allimsaying, Thank you for your thoughtful post. I'm thinking about the points you made. First of all . . . about not carrying all the load. I always swore to myself that I would never let him end up in a nursing home. I worked from the age of 17 up until about age 45 in nursing homes. They tend to be sad places. I felt so sorry for the people I took care of there. I may have to let go of that "plan" to "make sure" he never ended up in a long term care facility.

He's not real sensitive to my feelings. When we lived together, he dished out a lot of verbal abuse. I always thought it was just "the beer talking," as he would say. He drank heavily for years.

On the other hand, he is struggling with an awful lot of debility and mobility impairment. He struggles heroically to do what he can and not depend on me. I have always been able to see so much good in him . . . maybe with blinders on to the bad.

Yeah, his kids are busy with their own very successful lives. They pretty much think I'm a dope for carrying the weight I carry. They're not worried about who will take care of "Dad." They made up their minds a long time ago that it would never be them. They've always made good on that. When he drank and was homeless, they never lost 2 minutes of sleep worrying about it. I guess that's part of the mindset that goes into making life successful - Don't get bogged down by other people's problems. No chance of that happening to any of them.

I appreciate what you say. I probably have to let go of what feels like too much for me. He's almost 20 years older than me . . . and I'm not young anymore, either. I revolved the last 30 years of my life around loving him. I'm left with nothing much but heartache to show for it. It feels so unfair. I keep telling myself that nobody ever held a gun to my head. I always did what I wanted.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I'm listed on the lease as the primary caregiver.

!!!

All the above does not indicate laziness; it speaks of caring and courage.

[allimsaying]

Dear Rose,

I believe you know that at times we choose to do things for others out of love and in doing those things we also know that there is no guarantee of appreciation or even repayment but still we do those things because it is what we believe in, that doing unselfishly and without reward is its own reward and now that that time has moved on and you have given, maybe its ok to say to yourself that I have given and can give no more and what I have given is what I could give and it was the best I could do in that time and now that time is past and it is time for me to move on with the same true love in my heart that I came into that time with and I will take myself away from that place but in my heart I carry all of the original love I began with and in fact,I have made that love greater, stronger, more capable. .

Its ok to release yourself from promises of the past. You are still the same, but somebody new. Someone wiser, someone who tried your best, someone who still cares.

Very sad to hear about the kids. No success could be worth what they've lost.

[Rose76]

Thanks to you both for the two posts above. I am feeling sick. It's part physical and part mental. I really could use a caretaker myself. I go days at a time not leaving the house. I don't make decent meals. I get nauseated when I do eat. The loneliness and feeling of being abandoned is seeming harder to deal with. It never was easy, but I would have my good intervals. I went to the Psych emergency Tuesday to say I am becoming overwhelmed with my own problems and assisting my alcoholic brother and my S/O. My brother is way worse than my S/O. He is very cruel and I don't think I will drive him on errands for a while, if ever.

Whine, whine, whine. That's me. But I am very depressed.

[allimsaying]

You know yourself better than we do Rose. It does sound like some recuperation time is needed. Rest, dont worry about others for a bit, do some things you personally enjoy that doesnt involve caring for someone else. Take it easy a bit. Eat. I do that one to myself sometimes (not eating).

[shortandcute]

Rose, being a caregiver is a lot of hard work as it is, and especially when it is somebody that you are close to like that. I don't know how anyone can do it, let alone doing without feel stressed or depressed.
@allimsaying, and Rohag: thank you for being so understanding and helpful. Caregiving is so hard, in more ways than one, and sometimes caregiviers need encouragement in the biggest way.

[Rose76]

shortandcute, thank you. Caregiving to someone who is cranky is particularly hard. The mental stress is worse than the physical work. My S/O used to be a good companion a lot ot the time. It's not his fault, but he can't be as companionable anymore. I suppose I am grieving the loss of that. It is a lonely feeling. Many caregivers have gone through this, and many have had it worse than I do. I am in awe of the strength that others have who carry the load in better spirits than I do.

What you say about encouragement is so true. There really is no source of that for me. I am glad to have PC. Always, I find understanding here.

[GreyThinker]

Rose, you sound like you have been a wonderful friend for a long time, and most probably you are more appreciated than you know, only people forget to say so. They may not realise you are struggling now...I think it would be perfectly reaspnable for you to approach his children and the place he lives at and say you are getting tired and need some help. Perhaps there are some specific tasks you can ask someone else to do for your friend rather than you, or say that you willvisit him on so many days per week but need some days off. If you say you need rather than want they might see that it is not that you dont care but just getting burnt out. By the way...you are not whining when you come here and tell us your story and ask for help :-)..you are sharing and we are happy to listen to you..we might need your ear some day! Maybe you might find other people in your life will react the same?

[shortandcute]

My sister and her husband both have had caregiving jobs over the years. About a year and a half ago, they were acting as caregivers for my mom with no pay. They didn't mind the not getting paid so much, but it took its toll emotionally because my mom is a hard person to deal with (always has been). That has got to be one of the toughest jobs in the world.

[Rose76]

Thanks, GreyThinker. That would be a logical place to start. I kind of have started that. I did speak to his children. One of them said, "He really needs to be in a nursing home. He can't be left alone." (His children live thousands of miles away from us.) My S/O would like to continue staying in his apartment. At this time, that is a reasonable option, IF he will make provisions for better safety. I've explained to him specific ways to do that. (e.g. get rid of throw rugs all over the place; rearrange furniture to accomodate his walker.) He ignores, and is even angered by, my suggestions. His children could reinforce my advice. They don't get involved at that level of "logistics." That's how it has always been. Maybe they decided long ago that they won't beat their heads against a wall, knowing how he is.

Sometimes, just by stepping back, it forces a different solution. I fear that something bad is going to happen to him. Perhaps I've been too controlling, and need to let go of trying to make sure things go well for him. Maybe a few things have to not go well before anyone, including him, will think what needs to be done differently.

Whenever he's been critically ill, I've gotten phone calls from one of his children asking me where is the money coming from to pay for his funeral. I'm not his wife, and I don't even live with him. I've decided that's not my responsibility. His kids, who are quite well off, are extremely cheap when it comes to his needs. When I was working, I bought him anything that he needed that he could not afford for himself. He thinks, now, that he would like to get a "scooter," which I think is a good idea. He says he cannot afford the co-pay. His kids wouldn't dream of coughing that up. I looked into it and found that there is a way to finance the co-pay that would be affordable to him. ($50/month) He won't even let me explain that to him. As I think and type, here, I am seeing more clearly why I have gotten so burned out.

Normally, he flies to where his children live to visit with them a few weeks each summer. Already, it's in the air that they don't think this summer will be a good year for them to have him out. (They saw, last year, how poor his walking is. Having him has gotten to be a bit more work for them each year.) As I type my thoughts, it is becoming clear to me that I resent his children so much. Maybe I'm wrong. If they pitched in a bit more, I wouldn't feel like such a sucker.

He was a good provider for his children, when they were growing up. But he sure is not leaving them any inheritance. It seems that's what it is all about. My own father was very stingy toward my sibs and me, and we did so much more for him. Different values . . .

Thanks everyone. I feel better. Some of this has been venting. I needed to. There is literally nowhere else that I can.

[allimsaying]

Im glad venting is helping Rose. I know I could put a lot more into this post but its been such a long tiresome day for me and I dont think my best when Im like this. My mom was recently ill and refused to go to the doctor until the last minute. I think she was nearly dead and as it turns out she did have a mild stroke. Two months of rehab and shes back home now. My sister and I share doing for her but my sister does the most. I hope she learned not to put her health off from this last experience but she's pretty stubborn. Cant make her do a thing she doesnt want to. Its hard just standing by and witnessing someone deteriorate but I feel helpless. If things got real bad I would call her an ambulance but I know the feeling of being willing to do for someone and they dont accept. Mom made me feel like a bother too when I tried to help her with some things. I promise I wont be that way when my time comes.

Caregivers truly are a special breed.

[Rose76]

shortandcute, thanks. I've known elderly and/or disabled individuals who can be a joy to be around. When you are caregiving for someone who is not, it's a whole other kettle of fish. It's nice for your sister that you do acknowledge the challenge she undertook. I'm sure that gratifies her to feel you understood her predicament. That is "sisterhood" at it's best. Where there is a sense of family mutual support, tough things become so very much easier. My own family of origin has kind of disintegrated. I've never been a part of my S/O's family (which his ex-wife, of all people, apologized to me for. She was great to me, but recognized that her adult kids were not.) So it's a lonely undertaking for me. I was a professional caretaker and, at one time, got well paid for what I now do for free. My S/O's eldest is a very well-paid professional care giver. It is hard for me to fend off bitterness. I hate to sound like a martyr here.

allimsaying, Thank you, also. You express precisely a thing that adds so much to the stress. When the burden weighs heavier than necessary, due to avoidable deterioration, it feels like shoveling crap against the tide. As you report . . . same here. He won't always go to MD when it's appropriate. He hides symptoms, until he's in dire straights. While I was at work, once, he called me and said he was about to drive to the hospital because he felt like he was having a heart attack. (!!!) (Oh . . . turned out that he was correct on that.) Another time, he checked out of the hospital ahead of schedual, telling them that he didn't want to stick around for the rehab. He called a friend to pick him up, as he knew I wouldn't have done so. (We were living together, at the time. I'm reminded, now, why I changed that arrangement.) Your post was in depth enough to hit major nails on the head. Rest well, and kudos for acknowledging your sister.

Actually, I'm kind of smiling now. When I think of his antics over the years, it is kind of comical. And he does have his admrable side. He never complains about his pain or limitations. He's been through more major health crises than most people ever face, and it would never occur to him to get depressed for 30 seconds.

I can't seem to fall out of love with him, try though I have. Still, I am aging and am not real well myself, which I flat out told his kids.

Some years back, when he was still walking rather well, his eldest told me to send his wheelchair with him on the plane (in case she needed it.) The airline explained that I would need to package it for handling, like luggage. (They suggested using bungie cords.) I found out that it would be easier to have a rental wheelchair delivered to his daughter's home from a local surgical supply. Soon as I suggested that, she came up with a friend who could lend her one for free . . . . It's like - "Let's make Rose do EVERYTHING to save us having to expend the tiniest bit of effort or money." I mean - you can't make this stuff up. Meanwhile, he raves about how great his kids are to him . . . . I guess that's enough venting for this evening. Thank you all for your patience and kindness.