I went back to work today after that one day off I had yesterday. It was nice to be back. I was told that I was missed and that things didn't go well while I was gone. Of all things, I heard that from a real grumpy man who never gives compliments. It really touched me.

I got talking to a woman at my job about what happened with me and my friend yesterday. She was so much on my side. And she said nice things about me. So that was nice.

It seems like at my job I get along very well with the people and have all kinds of laughing. But I don't hang out with any of them. But yet, at where I live and where I go to church, it's just the opposite.

[themonster7]

Completely hopeless, it's just one of those nights. My twin brother managed to get girlfriend number 6 today, and I'm still stuck at 0. 21 Years old and I've never even managed a date or a first kiss. And to make matters worse half my face was paralyzed 2 months ago from shingles. Life just seems so hopeless tonight. This morning was great but tonight is hopeless.

[FeelingOpaque]

Hope you feel better tomorrow themonster7.

I feel a want to cut, not and urge of necessity. I just want to feel the slice. Don't know what the ****s wrong with me. And I have been feeling empty lately. Usually I feel dismal, but I haven't been around people lately, so I just feel empty, which I guess is better.

[phaset]

Gout came back. My ankle is sore and I can't bend it. There is no comfortable way for me to lay in bed, or on the couch. Actually there is no comfortable way to sit right now. I can't even walk. This started on the drive home after therapy Monday night. One step forward and one hobble back...

[PinesofRome]

Hello all,
Well, I let my alarm cycle run for about 45 minutes this morning & then I got up about 530am, had some breakfast, & then did my meditation/prayers from about 615 to 650am. I am supposed to meet my brother today at my storage space; he wants to put some more stuff in there; I told him instead of paying rent, he can help me with some things I want to get done. Well, I feel good for this morning, but, based on the past, I am guardedly optimistic; I hope you all have a good day as well.

Up -) good start to my day
Up -) veteran's school money came in yesterday; just have to be careful not to waste it.
Up -) signed up for traffic school yesterday to clear my ticket (turned right on red when posted not to)
Down -( not a catastrophe, but I still have some concern about finishing my school work for my Anthro1 class last semester (a 3page research paper & take the Final Exam)
Up -) posting on here this morning

Peace, Love & understanding for all, Pines of Rome

[PinesofRome]

Originally Posted by themonster7

Completely hopeless, it's just one of those nights. My twin brother managed to get girlfriend number 6 today, and I'm still stuck at 0. 21 Years old and I've never even managed a date or a first kiss. And to make matters worse half my face was paralyzed 2 months ago from shingles. Life just seems so hopeless tonight. This morning was great but tonight is hopeless.

Hi TheMonster7,
I hope you will always remember that you are not your brother; you each have your unique qualities. Your brother may have already had 6 girlfriends, but it only takes one special girlfriend for you, & then you have found love for your whole life. Yes, sometimes, you gain experience by dating lots of different girls, but I hope if that special girl comes along for you, that you will stick with her instead of trying to gain 'more experience'. You never know what kind of curveball life will send your way, Pines of Rome

[FeelingOpaque]

I haven't done anything productive in two days. I have just sat on my bed or couch and went on the internet and watched That 70's Show and ate.

[FeelingOpaque]

And I just cut, ****.

[herethennow]

I wish i could just disappear. But nope. I guess i just want to be free of the invisible chains.. the misery. Nothing is ever going right.. and i dont know whether it will be from now on.

I'm sick of treatment.

Sent from my crazy phone using Tapatalk 2

[lindammarie]

Busy day at work. That's good. No time to think and feel sorry for myself.

[shortandcute]

I was supposed to go to a group therapy session today. It's quite a ways away and I don't drive, and there's no real bus service in my town--so medicaid actually pays for someone to pick me up, drive me there, and take me home. Well, the driver showed up really late---it was not his fault: the scheduler assigned him another pick up for the same time in another city, and he didn't even know about it until about 10 minutes before he was supposed to be at my house. Between, that, and him having to drop the other person off, I ended up being almost a half hour late to group! They have a 10 minute rule, so I couln't get in. So I spent an hour on the phone trying to figure out a way home, because they almost didn't want to take me home since I "didn't make it to the appointment." Finally, I was able to get them to send someone out. NOW I'M MAD!!!!!!!

[Nammu]

Falling back into compulsive reading to escape reality. Keep procrastinating on things I really need to be doing.

[themonster7]

Finally accepted that I need therapy. Don't know how I'm going to tell my parents; I really don't want too but I'm still under their insurance. I guess I'm feeling optimistic. I know there's a long road ahead of me but I also know that trying to fix myself has never and will never work.

[phaset]

After I went to bed last night I tried talking to my wife about what is wrong with me. She ripped into me for not talking to her and got mad when I didn't know what to say. I don't feel like talking again...

[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

I have come to an love/hate relationship w/ cars. They are necessities where I live. But when you are living in poverty and in apt complex it is so hard to do everything that needs to be kept up. I hope your flashing light is a small easy fix.

Sorry for not updating until now...

Since I dropped off the car at the mechanic's at about 3pm that day and they closed at 6pm (there were about 4 cars ahead of mine at the time), the mechanic asked if I could leave it there overnight. So I rented a car. Anyway, it turns out that my car's cylinder head needs to be replaced. Bottom line: it'll cost $1500!! Which of course I don't have. The mechanic said that he can let me leave the car until today while I decide what to do because it is not drive-able.

In the meantime, I have kept the rented car because Wednesday I had work, followed by picking up my bridesmaid dress (they didn't have it due to a mix-up in paperwork so they had better have it today), then the rehearsal dinner at my dad's house that evening. After the rehearsal dinner I went to my brother and sis in law's apt with some of the other members of the bridal party to help with wedding stuff, and we ended up staying up all night finishing that. I am exhausted.

Today I have to decide what to do about my car. Tomorrow I am meeting up with my sis in law and the other bridesmaids at the hotel they are staying at. I think my sis in law's mom is paying for a spa day thing. And Sunday is the wedding. Monday I have off, and I'm seeing my therapist that day. I know I have only been seeing her for a few wks but I don't feel that she is helping me at all. I go in and tell her that I am stressed out and she doesn't give me any suggestions, doesn't help me to calm down, nothing. I mean, why do I bother?

I don't know what to do. I need a new car. Mine is a 2004, so I feel like spending this much on a 9 yr old car is wasteful. That's a down payment on a new car. I didn't have a car for 3 years before I was able to save enough to buy this one for cash. I have not been able to save money lately. I wish someone would make the decision for me.

[gracez]

another day unfortunately. crying all day and wishing i weren't conscious. i had to go walk some dogs this morning and couldn't stop sobbing while i was with them. luckily there were no humans around the neighborhood at all.

[tokiwartooth]

I'm glad it's Friday. Not in as good a mood as I was yesterday, and I'm very tired.

[FeelingOpaque]

I was excited about going to a friends small gathering this morning. It was going to be like five people I didn't know and some alcohol. I was going to be the odd one out and it was kind of freaking me out. I tried to smoke a little weed to sooth the anxiety but I couldn't smoke it, I felt disgusting and wrong and stupid so i threw the weed out. Then I just got so frustrated and just started hitting and throwing things around my house, and eating. Then I considered going to the gathering and getting drunk, but I knew I was the only one, so then I decided not to go, now I have nothing to look forward to.

[lindammarie]

I'm trying to think of one thing I could do today to make things better... My mind is blank.

I'm pretty sure nothing can make this day any worse... I need someone to talk to, but this is one of those times I have to keep my mouth shut...

It is what it is...

[herethennow]

so today was the worst si "session" i've ever did for a long time... hurting so badly. the pain never lessens, and i find myself STILL unable to cry. it's just horrible. having really bad self-destructive thoughts and i'm really hoping this is not going the direction i don't want it to: a crisis.. which equals to inpatient.

on a positive note, i finally got a temp job.... but as usual i feel as empty as ever.

[konstargirl]

I had a good week I sign up for tutoring at my school and fix some stuff. All thanks to my therapist that recommend me tutoring in the first place. She really does care about me.

Up, I think....

[themonster7]

Pretty much the worst night I've had ever I think. I wish I could cry, but I haven't cried in over ten years, so I ended up getting super upset and kicking and punching things, until the wave of anger turned to despair, then I just laid down and gave up on anything.

[Grey Matter]

No ups. Just downs. I feel myself fading and losing time at this point.

Early this morning around 3AM I had a weird dream. I have mentioned that I have health anxiety and that was what the dream was about. I had a dream that I went to my doctor and she found things wrong with my heart and that my back was continuously bleeding. Now, is that weird? And it all seemed very real to me, like it was really happening. There had been times when something would happen to me or I'd get bad news and thought that I was dreaming. And I was not dreaming!

The work day went pretty well. In the morning I got talking to the IT guy who is a friend at work for me. We had a fairly nice chat but we were both venting about how hard it is living in southern California. He's planning to move, and I would like to move too. But I wouldn't know where to go. And then I had a nice talk to one of the security guards. She always has nice things to say to me. Though I can't talk to her very long.

I worked out after work and it went well. But later on I went to the pool area and it was terrible. There was a party and I think it may have been put on by someone who takes care of the pool. I didn't think that was allowed by the HOA. I think I'm going to have to report this. I couldn't go in because it was like a "mob scene".

Funny how I get along very well with the people at work and it's at a company that's supposed to be number 1 as the most hostile place to work. And yet at "home sweet home" is where the "corporate cut throat" stuff happens for me.