Feeling increasingly hopeless

Hello. I imagine it goes without saying, but I’m new to the forum. Sadly, I can’t say I’m new to depression. I’ve been struggling with depression and OCD for most of my adult life (I’m 28 now), and… I’m just especially overwhelmed with the helplessness of it lately. What’s becoming increasingly difficult is that I feel like I have no one to really talk to or vent with about it. I’m seeing a therapist, and on antidepressants…but I feel like I have to be careful how honest I am about the severity of it. For example, I’m very resistant to ideas such as suicide. That said…I can’t deny thoughts of it. Still, having a family history of depression, I’ve seen directly what can happen from admitting that openly to your doctor.
…I don’t feel like I should have to fear being honest about something I’m suffering with, but more and more I feel like I have no choice but to bite my tongue in most areas. I suppose that’s why I’m hopeful about a forum like this. Maybe, in the anonymity of it, I can be honest about my worst thoughts and just…. I dunno. Get them out and discuss them in a healthier context.
Hopefully being that blunt, or rambling a bit, isn’t a problem. I just don’t know how to deal with this kind of stress and depression without talking about it, but I’m worried honest will end up with my in inpatient care at some hospital…and financial reality prevents that kind of medical allowance for now.

Hi, Lonely Writer,
I really get where you're coming from with all of this. I've struggled with depression for most of my life, and am now in my 40's, seeing a therapist for several years and secretly struggling with intense suicidal ideations--but afraid to share the extent of it with my T for all the obvious reasons.
I think that a part of my brain views these suicidal thoughts as "off" or "sick," and "not ideal." But God, when I'm in the throes of the urge, it seems like there is nothing clearer than that desire--like I'm really seeing things as they are and should be. It's a constant struggle. Particularly of late.
I have begun opening up in therapy about some deeply hidden secrets, after 3 yrs of focusing on more "big picture" issues rather than the ugly details of how I got here, and am on the cusp of feeling like I really *can* and *do* trust my therapist enough to open up. But then, "life happens," and I spiral down, down, down, and again am feeling like suicide is my best option....and in response, move away from my T because I feel I cannot and should not reveal that I'm back to Square One in this sense. I feel torn not only because I fear her 5150-ing me (Baker Act-ing/admitting me), but also because I don't want to look so pathetic after having made some big strides finally--which could set off her own countertransference, feelings of failure and frustration with me as her client who "refuses to improve." (I tend to try to want to control this kind of thing, which I realize is a losing battle and counterproductive to therapy....)
At any rate, I just wanted to say, "You're not alone." And when you think about it, the fact that both of us (and everyone else here) ended up at this forum, it would seem to suggest that we are fighting to survive, after all. That must be a good thing.

Everyone rambles on this site. I think it goes with the territory. I'm a big offender myself.

Your fear of being honest is understandable. I believe that in most states, there has to be an iminent threat of harm to yourself or others before you can be involuntarily commited. You can probably check the laws in your state.
When I was in my early twenties, my parents and family Dr. tried to have me commited because I had said I was thinking of trying to kill myself again. They kept me the mandatory 72 hours, then let me go. The funny thing was, they did it on a Friday night and there was no psychiatrist there until Monday, so I spent two days wandering aimlessly around the ward. On the third day, a psychiatrist had me sit down on a bench in the hall, asked me if i was a danger to myself (which I was but wasn't going to admit), I said no and he sent me home. The point is, even if you do wind up with someone trying to commit you, its pretty easy to get out again.

The relationship between the therapist and patient can take a long, long time before there is really trust between the patient and therapist. Unfortunately, I had a string of bad ones, so four decades of depression, suicidal attempts and ideations plus SI, I'm still too distrustful to go to one. If you have a good one, honesty may pay off. IF you think about it, all the psychiatrist has to go on is what you say, your body language and tone of voice. Thats it. Unless you let him know what is going on, you may be missing out on something important therapy wise. If you have concerns, you are fully within your rights to ask him bluntly what his policy is on talking about suicide, suicide attempts or urges. If you don't like what he says, he can't commit you for asking a question. You could just say you were curious. Psych wards are full already. They don't want more patients unless they really have to be there.

One night I cut a vein in my arm, suicide attempt, and my parents took me to the hospital ER with my blood soaked jacket and begged them to commit me. They wouldn't. Its not that easy.

So now I have rambled on. Put out a feeler on how your therapist handles suicidal thoughts and if you are ok with the answer, honesty is the best thing. If you don't like the answer, or feel that you can't trust him, then you have the wrong therapist. Without the trust, the therapy won't work.

Sam2

Hi Lonly Writer & Erika3,

I would like to say you are not alone. I think of suicide often too, I sometimes feel as if I am getting better then I go thru times of extreme lows and dont know how to get out again. I have not told anyone how I feel even those close to me, I get scared and I have a hard time even getting the words out. I fear people will think Im crazy and not want to be around me. I already feel that no one wants to be around me, I am completley lonley and have no one to talk to. I have been on medications for many years, and I have been on many diffrent kinds, Latly I feel that the one I am on isnt working anymore. I try to tell myself to get over it and that it could be worse but it doenst seem to help. I have been struggling for a while I dont know how to talk to anyone, even here. Please forgive me though, I have never used this kind of webiste or even been on any kind of "Forum" so I am having a hard time expresing myself.

Sam2,Thanks for your reply and your thoughts. And yes, I agree, one has to be perceived to be an imminent threat to her/himself in order to be admitted. Thank God. But it's interesting to me that even in your situation where you had cut your own wrist years ago, they wouldn't admit you? WOW. I can't say I'm surprised, though, by your story of the 72-hour weekend stay, with only a brief, easily manipulated interaction with a doctor on the third day. Such is the futile way of our mental healthcare system.

I wanted to mention, also, in my own case, my mistrust has nothing to do with my therapist. It is my own personal issue. I do realize that there are indeed situations out there which do warrant a client's finding a new therapist; but sometimes, like in my own case, I have a wonderful, highly competent and experienced therapist who also happens to "click" with me even on a personal level (which is a big plus on top of everything else); but I have very deep issues around trusting people, so that is why I, personally, end up repeating this approach/avoidance dynamic in my therapy relationship....

Genetic, I really agree with you about nutrition being a huge influence on our psycho-emotional states. (Don't remind me I said this when there's pizza in the room, however.)

Hi everyone who's posting here, it's good to read from you. No, we're not alone because we're all here but it's horrible that feeling of being alone. I am also having these feelings most of you describe, for about a year with no lift in my mood. Fighting to survive doesn't really seem like enough to me. Today for example it doesn't really get me thru the day - internally I'm screaming since I woke up. I'm glad you (all) found the forum. It's been a really helpful outlet to me since I found the site in May. Please keep discussing, supporting, and message me anytime you like.

Hugs,

Gracez

Gracez, thank you for your kind words. I hope you can find some relief, at least a little, for at least today (to start with)--btw I do relate to those days of feeling like all I want and need to do is start screaming at the top of my lungs and "never" stop.... A year of deep depression is a very long time, and am sorry that you're going through such a long and intense experience such as this. I have had some months of great relief ("seeing the light at the end of the tunnel") but then things just reverted back. That is hard enough--can't imagine a full year of near constant sadness. Keep writing and sharing. Thanks again for your reply.

Just in response to Sam2, the same this happend to me, I had also cut my wrist, was taken to hospital where they stiched me up and sent me on my way. So I dont think that you would get commited even if you tell your therapist thats how you feel. When I have my Dr's appt its a routine question to ask if i have suicidal thoughts and I am honest with him and they will not commit me.

Hi Gracez, I feel like screaming too right now, thanks for the support