[ashenflower]

hi. i'm new here and this is my first post. i am at the end of my rope and i know something is wrong with me, but i don't know what it is or what to do.

okay, where to start....i feel dead inside. i guess that is what it all boils down to. i am just not happy and i don't feel alive anymore. i feel like somewhere along the road, i changed into this empty, sullen, serious person that i hate. there is something seriously wrong with me and i am tired of ignoring it or trying to cope with it.

let me back up a little. i used to be a very happy go lucky person. i have always been a somewhat shy and quiet person, but still very involved in things and pretty outgoing with many friends. i was generally happy in life and felt comfortable with myself and my personality. i had a vitality and a spark, was full of love and life.. but somewhere along the road, that changed. i cannot remember when it changed, or what could have possibly sparked it, but i recently woke up to realize that for the past year or so, i have not been 'myself'.

i am anxious all the time. and i lost all of my friends because slowly, one by one, i just stopped communicating with them. i felt too tired to call or too lazy to pick up the phone when they called, and then i would get anxious that too much time had past since the last i talked to them, so i would be too nervous to call again, and when someone would call me, i wouldn't answer the phone. i felt too nervous to go to any social functions because i wouldn't know what to say or do to defend my antisocial behaviors, so i just didn't go. these things formed a vicious cycle or avoiding people and eventually, i woke up one day and realized i didn't have any friends left. and i can't make any new ones, because i get too nervous to attend any functions or visit with people long enough to get to know anyone or make bonds with people. i wish this had never happened, because i long for those friendships that i have lost and i long to form new ones with people who understand me.

i work as a manager, and it seems that i can put on the outgoing front at work because i have to. i can make small talk with employees and do my daily activities, but i hate going there. i have absolutely zero desire to even be a part of this job that i used to love. i don't care about my work and put forth only enough effort to keep me from getting fired. but the front seems to work because no one there notices that i might be having a problem. of course, no one there really knows me because no one there has attempted to make friends with me outside of work.

even aside from social activities, i feel dead. i used ot have such a lust for life. i was interested in so many hobbies and activities and enjoyed doing things that mattered to me, such as writing and art. but now, i am too tired to do anything. when i am not working, i sit at home and do nothing. i feel too lazy to go to the gym, to paint, to read a book, to do any of the things i used to love. i just don't care anymore about anything. the only things i do when i'm not working are the things i have to do so that i don't disrupt my husband's life- housework, cleaning, laundry. i make myself do these things so that i don't negativelly affect his life.

i know what you are thinking..'have you talked to your husband about this before?' to a certain extent, i have. he can tell i have changed over the past year. i am not the happy, outgoing, exuberant, interested person he married four years ago. i have turned into a serious, anxious, irritable, tired person who doesn't care about anything and does nothing except the daily routine. i am someone who gets zero joy out of life and cannot tell tell him why. he has asked me what's wrong so many times and all i can tell him is 'i don't know'.

and it'snot that i appear this way on the outside all the time, either. i was raised to always be polite and have manners, to always be socially correct in public. so when i am forced to be in a social or public situation, i make it work on the outside. in daily life, i just appear to be a normal polite woman who has a successful job and a great husband. but on the inside, i feel like a hollow shell of a person i used ot be.

i feel like i am babbling right now, but i really just had to let this out somewhere because i feel like i am at the end of my rope. i hate this feeling and i hate not being me. i hate the downhill spiral that i see myself traveling and i hate that i can't seem to do anything to change it.... i just really want my personality back and i want to feel happy again. i want to enjoy life and i want to feel something and not be so numb. right now, i just feel dead.

all of this rambling, and i still have no idea what my problem is. maybe someone out there will recognize these things and be able to help.

what is wrong with me and what should i do?

[pegasus]

Hello ashenflower,

Welcome to Psych Central!

Sounds like it would be helpful for you to have therapy/counselling.

Try and find something to do just for you. Set time aside where you are doing something you are interested in. This can seem impossible when you are feeling low and stressed.

Drawing, writing and painting can be very therapeutic.

With the help of therapy you may be able to pin-point what has set this off and what changes you would like to make.

Take care.

[ouch]

I felt like that too.. Still feel like that a lot. Now, taking meds and doing therapy - it is actually helping...
trying could help...

[pamelasu]

Hey ashflower, I know how you are feeling. I use to do that same thing, but in the last year I have learned how to change that. I think that in order for you to really feel better is if you start going to therapy and start talking about your problems. It might be hard but you will start to feel better with time. Also, you might not be ready for the next step to moving on with your life. Lessons can only be learned when your body and mind is ready. One thing you can start with to help you cope is you can start a journal and keep track of your thoughs. At first you may think it is silly but in a long run it will help you to cope with your problems and help you to deal with what is right in front of you. You are probably at the stage of learning who you are too. So talking about your life with someone will help a lot too. I'm not saying that this is going to be easy because in reality it is a hard thing to do, but over time you will learn who you are and you will learn how to change things so that you can have a happy filled life again.

I hope that this helps you to get started. Just know that you are not alone on how you feel. *hugs* Just hang in there.

[aiko19]

Hi
So much of what you just described hit home with me. I have a lot of the same feelings, and I've had them for some years now.

Yesterday I was at a doctor and I started talking about what was going on, and I've never gotten so much understanding from a person before when I've tried to talk about this. She (the doctor) asked questions that were right on, and I sat there crying, trying to explain how it feels to be me, that something is wrong, I'm not really alive. She made arrangments for me to see a therapist, and when I walked out of that office it felt like there actually could be a light in the end of the tunnel for me. Maybe it's not so hopeless after all, maybe things wil get better, maybe I don't have to feel this way forever.
Go to your doctor, try to explain.
I've tried so long to fix myself, but it's not easy to get out of such a dark place without help. Get some help...
*I wish u the best*

[VAQUERALOCA]

Be thankful you are able to fake things good enough to hold down a job.......... I feel the same way you do but I cant fake it very well.............its like being a living dead thing.