Help me.

Well...I'm new to this. I hope I don't take up too many characters with this, but if I do it's because I want to vent, so sorry in advance.

As I said, I'm new to this. I haven't really spoken with anyone, online or in person, about my issues. I have had discussions with a couple of people, but they weren't very long discussions, nor all that in depth, despite one of them helping me to realize what my problem probably is.

I suppose I should give a bit of background on me, first. Well, I'm 17 years old (I don't know if that's too young on this forum, but what the hell) and I'm a guy. I've been out of education for a year after a stupid decision I took to leave in 2012, but luckily I've secured a place at a university and I start in September. I'll be moving out. Finally, I live in the UK, more specifically I live in Scotland.

So then, onto my issues...Again, I apologize if I end up going on for ages, but I suppose I'm just setting this down, letting it out, venting etc. Anyway, here goes.

As I said, I left education last year, and I think that may have been where my problems started. I could have stayed on for another year, got more qualifications and I probably would have had a better time. But I didn't. I've never really told anyone the main, real reason I left- and it's so stupid that I feel embarrassed now. I have irritable bowel syndrome, and over my final year at school my stomach was sometimes embarrassingly loud in class for no reason whatsoever. (Let out your laughs now please...) I think this is when anxiety set in. I became paranoid and tried to take useless measures against it. I even skipped school a few times before I left, though it was at the end of the year. Still, I was a good student (I got the top grades in my exams that year, another reason I should have stayed on) and it was a low point for me.

I still suffer from IBS and I'm still anxious about going out due to it- I've seen my doctor and hopefully I'll improve it before going to university, but it still makes me so anxious. Anyway, I left school, and rationalized this action...and then the last year happened. Just a year of nothingness. Absolute nothingness. Just sitting around the house all day. I'm an introvert by nature, I admit, but I have to stress this- I have no social life. I barely have any friends. So I've spent this last year sitting in my house, alone, upset, regretful. And perhaps this is when depression set in.

I've not had myself diagnosed- but every website I've checked has convinced me I suffer from depression. I almost feel as if I'm being personally described when I read the symptoms. A friend online gave me a link to someone's depression story, and I totally related to it...it was a revelation. This is when I started researching it, and as I said I've concluded I suffer from it. I also think I may, perhaps, have some form of Asperger's, given my social awkwardness and physical clumsiness. I also have a cousin who has Asperger's so it could be something in the family. I've also had relatives who suffer from depression and other mental illnesses, so I've got a family history of this stuff.

So...Depression, anxiety, OCD (I've had it before, still do; I was diagnosed with it), possibly Asperger's. Not good. This past year has been awful. Absolute nothingness. Boredom, loneliness, and my recent over eating. I've put on weight recently. I've been overweight for a while, but I've really gone overboard lately...I'm trying to diet right now, but when reading about depression tonight and whilst watching a mental health documentary about teenagers in a psychiatric ward I got upset and just lapsed. I build up a great picture, don't I? Fat, depressed, socially inept, OCD, anxious, lonely.

And then there's the way I can no longer enjoy things. Everything just feels so hollow, so much of an effort, so pointless...I've lost energy, I find it difficult to sleep, and many times over the past, empty year I've slept well into the day after staying up for most of the night. I had one very, very bad day where I actually slept all day past 11pm- 11pm! Unbelievable.

Also, I think the OCD has really been resurgent. I don't know how to explain this, but I am unable to watch things, or read things, or appreciate things, without a rigid schedule, or a rigid knowledge of the thing...Ugh, I can't explain it! Like, if I sit down to watch Doctor Who (my favourite show) I can't do it without having greatly recapped in my head everything that's happened before so that I have, say, a sort of table in my head of all the aspects of the show, and when watching the thing, if I'm on my own, I pause it every so often to "update" this table in my head, and if I'm not on my own I usually watch it again to do it in this way. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's the best I can do to describe it.

I've probably missed out a few things here, but hopefully the main gist of my problems has gotten across. I've also smoked a few times recently...I don't think that's much of a problem. However, it first started a couple of weeks ago when I considered suicide. The bar above this says "No suicidal posts, please" so I hope I'm not transgressing any rules by describing this.

Anyway, there was a row at home a few weeks ago (that's another thing: I irritate so easily, and there can be rows a lot, and I've damaged a few things in my house out of sheer anger, though in this case it was because of something else there was a row) and I got so upset that I wanted to kill myself that night. I even left the house, went to the park, smoked (someone had offered me a cigarette earlier, I took it, and then I stole one of my mum's that night), drank (juice, not alcohol) and read a few parts of some books, with the general idea which had somewhat faded by that point of utilizing the bridge and railway track to end it.

I didn't go through with it; as I said the idea had faded by that point...but still, I've self harmed (not a huge amount, but still) and for a while now I've considered what I call the merits of non existence. I don't think I'm suicidal, but it would certainly be a lie to say I didn't like the thought of not existing.

So...those are my issues, as best I can describe them. I'm not sure why I'm posting this here. I suppose the title asks for help. Maybe that's why. I don't feel like I can talk to my parents, or my doctor, or my (very few) friends. I can't talk to anyone in person about it...not just because I feel awkward, but also again due to my larger problem of social ineptness. Actually, I think that's one of my biggest problems...my loneliness. I've often put on a brave face, as they say, and I usually act like the type of person who enjoys loneliness. I make remarks about not wanting to associate with "eugh, other people!" That's a mask, however. At my core, I am lonely as...well I was about to say the f-word there, I'm not sure that's allowed. I'm lonely. I mean, I'm an introvert, I'm never going to be a party animal, but I do want friends and some sort of social life, some sort of ability in this arena...

Anyway. That's all I can write. Am I just venting, or asking for help, or both? I don't know.

Thanks for reading, if you made it even halfway through, never mind this far.

Hi scarlioni.



There are young adult members here at PC forums. For specific feedback according to whatever you post, it is best you post them in the most appropriate forums.

Depression - Forums at Psych Central
OCD and Trichotillomania - Forums at Psych Central
Anxiety, Panic and Phobias - Forums at Psych Central
Steps to Better Self-Esteem - Forums at Psych Central

So you know that you are depressed, that is a step in the right direction- to realize that. But understand, the more you dwell on that, the more you tell yourself "I'm depressed" the more depressed you will be, and it will be a vicious cycle. You are keeping your mind in a dark place and feeding it.

Try telling yourself things like "I'm going to make sure that today is a good day." Or "I feel as though I am getting better." You sound like you are new to depression, don't let it take over you life. The most important thing that I have ever learned is that the only person who can cure your depression is you. Medicine may be necessary sometimes. But it does not allow you to learn how to pull yourself out of depression, it simply numbs you so that you do not feel it.

My advice to you is to try to fake being happy. It sounds awful and it will feel very odd and fake, of course. But after a while, it won't be faking it anymore. Of course, write down your feelings or get out whatever is bringing you down, but when you are around people, put on a smile, laugh, crack jokes, and make yourself happy! Good luck, all the best. *hugs*

Also, remember that you are not alone. Suicide might seem appetizing on a bad day... but when you're having a good day, remember that you would not be having that good day if you had succeeded in your attempt. Things will always get better. And perhaps it's not always as simple as "just be happy" but as soon as you are depressed, your own negative thoughts and feelings are your worst enemy. Go out and do something with someone. Being socially awkward is not all bad! I am, and I have some of the most amazing socially awkward friends I could ask for. Try approaching an odd-ball and just be yourself. But whatever you do, don't sit around by yourself for too long, and DON'T overthink things. At least not until you get a more positive mindset!

Yeah, for sure you are clinically depressed. Push past your reluctance (or fear, or whatever it is) and tell your doctor, or ANY doctor or mental health professional. There are good people who understand all of what you've described and deal with it and much more every day of their lives. You aren't alone and need not suffer, but ya gotta take that step towards getting help. Sometimes just talking about it with a pro (good counselor, not necessarily a shrink) can help a great deal. You've taken a big step by sharing this very personal stuff here, and that shows you want to change these problems. You're very bright and you must know this stuff can be helped! Give yourself that help because you deserve it. Peace. Alex.

Hi Scarlioni, welcome to PC!

It seems like you are in so much agony over your IBS. I'm not laughing at you here, it is a valid reason and a valid medical condition that you can't help having.. just like mental illnesses. It's real, and no one wants it.

It seems that the onset of your anxiety is your medical condition. How do you feel when you're in public? Pardon me since I do not know much about IBS.

It's great that you've researched on the symptoms of depression. Most of us started off that way, at least for me. I knew what I was getting into, that this was not something I could control anymore. Have you ever considered forms of help? Have you ever talked to someone you trust?

It appears that you're lost about what to do. That's normal. Initially I too, was lost as to what to do. Have you explored options, like maybe getting books on self help, going to your GP or crisis lines? It's really good though that you've started posting on PC. It shows that you're really trying and that's commendable!

Hang in there! We're all here to help

htn

Now I know how Russel T Davies felt when he wrote something to the effect that you say/write things at night that you would never do in the clear light of day...

I wrote this stuff last night, and I feel really awkward about it now...but, still, it's done, and I think it's good that it's done, and I'm still glad I did it. I'm just glad this place is anonymous. I hope that doesn't sound ungrateful. Of course I'm glad a few people read it and replied. Thanks. I just mean I wrote a lot of personal stuff here, and it feels like I bore it all to you, as they say. Still, thanks for reading and replying.

Thanks for the advice. I just find it so hard to even pretend to be happy when I'm not...and I have so few opportunities to fake happiness anyway, given that most of my time is spent alone, or in the house with parents. I'll take the advice though, and try my best to go out, and do something. I was also kind of pinning my hopes on achieving that when I go to university I'll be able to make new friends. Hopefully I don't end up failing in that environment too.

I've actually seen a councilor before for my OCD. Though it was helpful in some ways, I don't think it's done much good. I think maybe I didn't fully reveal all the things to the councilor, or appreciate much of what he said pertaining to what I did tell him. Thing is, I've gotten worse, socially, since then, and of course the depression has come on since then too, and all the rest of my issues. So I find it even more difficult now to talk to people. I'd have no idea how to approach my doctor and tell them about it. What would I say?

Well, the IBS makes me anxious to go out, at least when it's in a quiet area, in case it flares up. I know that being anxious about it is probably what makes it flare up, but I can't help it. Whenever I'm going out I always feel anxious about what I eat, and I try sometimes not to eat in case it starts something...so it affects me in a pretty big way. I probably exaggerate it in my head compared to what will actually happen, if anything, due to my anxiety. I've seen my doctor about this though (somehow it's easier to talk about physical illnesses rather than mental ones) and I'm just starting to try and deal with it. Maybe it will help.

As for getting help, well, as I said I don't know how to approach a doctor about it, or anyone for that matter...I don't really have many friends, and my best friend is someone I haven't spoken to in a while (I also read that may be a symptom of depression, withdrawing from friends) and, to be honest, I'd feel awkward even then. I've sort of spoken about it to someone on Facebook though.

I'm not sure of what actions to take, for all the reasons I've said. But I'll take on board the advice you've all given me.

Thanks

Scarlioni, have you read the recently published work called "Wheat Belly" by Dr. David Williams? In it, he suggests that removal of grains that have gluten in them may be the
way to heal irritable bowel syndrome. (One can always substitute nuts, seeds, and
green vegetables for the amino acids missing when wheat, barley, and rye are removed
from the diet.)

If I were suffering with that, I think I would risk giving up grains for 30 days to see
if it helped. You should notice remarkable improvement by that time, and it really
isn't difficult to do to give up grains...just subsitute whole grain rice if you feel you
need that carbohydrate in your diet.

I hope it will work for you. Dr. Williams seems to think that the more research that
becomes available, the worse it looks for humans to ingest grains with gluten. (It
all has to do with the re-engineering of grain to provide 3rd world countries with a
higher yield grain product, and it's playing havoc with some people's digestive and
brain systems.

Take care.