[Consumed84]

This is a bit of a rambling post but I just need to talk: I am terrified that I am wasting my life away... after I graduated from high school 10 years ago, NOTHING has gone the way I thought it would. I know this happens to pretty much everyone to some degree but I thought I would at least be able to graduate college.

Instead, 10 years later, I am in bed. Existing, not living. I've done the college thing, the job thing, the volunteer thing, etc. and none of it has worked out. I can't hold a position doing any of those things because I get so tired.

It seems like so many people base other people's "worth" on what they accomplish monetarily, which makes me sad for many reasons. My parents have to support me (I'm blessed to have them) so I'm not bringing any monetary income in... and I feel judged for it. I even judge myself for it. I hate that.

Anyway last year was hands down the worst year of my entire life; my bipolar twin sister did something that I feel literally "broke" my heart. I had a huge breakdown; now I know what people feel when they have been so traumatized that they just shut down completely.

I am better mentally than I was this time last year, but I am still not great. I am on meds (have been since I was 14), I have better days than others, but even on my "better" days I am in bed most of the day.

I am just curious how many of you "exist" while lying in bed for days on end. It would make me feel better to know I am not the only one, and I am genuinely interested in how many people are so afflicted by depression/bipolar/whatever that they are "mentally confined" to their beds like I am, if that makes sense.

As for the rest of this post... I just feel very worthless and am existing, not really living. :/ I hope most of you are doing better than I am at the moment.

[Nammu]

I hear you, our society is very judgmental & "worth" is a judgmental value. I too struggle with depression and having days of isolation when movement seems so hard. I haven't any words of great merit but I hear you and there are many others here on PC who understand as well.

Hi there Consumed84. Yes about 4 years ago I had a complete breakdown. I spent a month literally in bed, completely spent, exhausted, no hope or interest in anything. Just getting up to go to the bathroom was an appalling effort. I had to take a LOA from work and it wasn't paid, so my room mate had to support me...he had no idea what was wrong with me but didn't ask any questions either.

I finally climbed out but it was years before I found balance and even now, with the situations I'm dealing with, I know I'm on the edge of that storm still.

I hope you feel better soon, and know you're not alone.

[Nothingbutgone]

To be honest, I'm still lying in bed not existing. My mind is more of a fuzz, not really comprehending what people are saying to me. I have no social life. Actually Anti-Social. Ironic, hmm? I stopped caring what others thought of me, because it would give me such terrible headaches. So I just research. A lot. I guess it's become an obsession, It's how I found out I'm not "normal" by today standards. I'm to young for a job and spend tons of time on the computer to where my parents have set Parent Controls so I can't be on as long as I want. I guess I've been soul-searching. I've found a new religion, my mom got me a therapist that I see once a month and have her email. I take anti-depressions, but I still feel it isn't enough. But I continue to live. I found myself actually liking certain things, but it seems like what I liked when I went under is nothing I now. My break down was this year. I hated everything. People wouldn't even come close because I'd glare at em. I have yet to find the eye of the hurricane, But every storm runs out of rain~

[epicdweeb]

I'm in the same boat, and I've been out of high school for 15 years. I'm still living with my parents and I spend most of the day in bed while other people my age are working, raising kids, etc. It makes me feel worthless. Have you thought about vocational rehabilitation? I can't tell you what they do exactly, but I was advised to check it out because I've been unemployed or underemployed ever since I left school. I'm going to an information session next week.

[bharani1008]

All I can say is that it's just too bad that you have to feel like you do. Our society is sooo goal oriented and if you're not producing then you have no use. Not all societies are like ours. Some honor people who are outside the "norm". Also remember that you have a disease as devastating as cancer. If you've tried every avenue available then it isn't your fault. It's the way your body functions. Since you are in bed in a quiet environment maybe as an experiment you could try visualizing something. Create a world in which you could live. If you believe in god then you could spend that time praying. Not necessarily for something but just kind of talking to it. Make god like a friend who will listen to you without judgement. Make the world you create as wonderful as you want it to be. After you do that you may want to write it in a journal and maybe illustrate it.
Anyway, you have us and we won't judge.

[@nonymous]

Yes, I spend a lot of time sleeping or resting. It is difficult to accept but I know that I am doing all that I can to help myself.

[olyve]

Hello,

First of all, I apologize for what turned out to be such a long post!! But when I saw the title of your post, it really hit home. I'm in bed so much I consider myself to be pretty much of a breathing corpse. I put off any and all responsibility - housekeeping, exercise, laundry - because I can't get out of bed.

You pretty much summed up the last FORTY-FIVE years of my life, except for the sister and supporting parents. I wish I could say there was something that helped me. I've been in therapy and seen psychiatrists since I was 18 and I've been hospitalized 3 times during the last 8 years. Anti-depressants don't seem to do a lot (anything?) for me.

Most of my life I've felt inferior and guilty for things I have no control over. The only joy I had in life was raising my son, who is now 25 and lives half way across the country. Even as he was growing up, I felt like I was always too tired and emotionally checked out for much of his childhood, although he claims the opposite. He's very supportive and is the one and only reason I'm still around. I have no other support system - friends gave up on me after years of trying to coax me out of the house to join their activities. I used to hate it when they'd say, "come on! you'll feel so much better if you just get out of the house!" Wrong - I could hardly wait to get back home to my bed. I've been married twice and had two other significant (lousy) relationships, but I guess it just came down to me being too depressed to have another person in my life.

After 30+ years of struggling at every job I've ever held, I finally applied for disability, which was granted in just 5 months. So while I no longer have work as a stressor in my life, I am now trying to survive on a very limited income - had to move to an apartment in a neighborhood that's not at all safe. I have to use food pantries to stretch out my grocery money. I can no longer pay for psychiatrists or medication and have been waiting seven months to see a psychiatrist who will treat patients on a sliding scale. Poverty has made my condition so much worse. You'd think once you're granted disability, funds would be made available to treat the illness, but no.

I see a new psychiatrist in two weeks. I honestly the only reason I'm bothering is so I can be prescribed medication for insomnia which I've had since I was 12. I have no reason to hope that this experience will be any more helpful than those in the past. I'm fairly certain my life will go on just as you describe - in bed, numb and not really living. But it's not as if I haven't tried all these years.

I know I sound like Debbie Downer - I'm sorry for that. But you're still young and there's all sorts of treatment out there. Don't give up! I hope you find the right combination of therapy and medication so you can start living your life with enthusiasm - outside of bed! GOOD LUCK!

[Fuzzybear]

.....

[Perfectly Broken]

You are not alone, I too exist solely on my bed. I literally have spent the last two years of my life in my bed. Perhaps sharing my ordeal will make you less lonely. I know when I read your post I just had to post.

I had planned to go to college and be normal like every other 19-year-old, but I am instead here in my bed trying my best to stop sobbing so I can breathe again. I mainly suffer from major/clinical depression, panic attacks, anxiety, social anxiety, migraines, insomnia, dysmenorrhea (severe menstrual pain), and fibromyalgia syndrome (chronic widespread pain). Both my physical and mental health have been compromised since I was 14 (9th Grade). I suffer from poverty and live off of welfare as well. This also means all money goes to gas and household needs. Which I suppose is fine, I can't drive a car anyway since driving triggers my panic attacks. I have been accepted to every college I apply to, but I don't have any money to go. Even if I could, I can't write my own notes since my hands constantly hurt and each key on this laptop is like a needle. I have very low self-esteem and am unmotivated. Even so, I become irritated at anyone who suggests community college without looking at the whole picture.

I can barely walk and I'm too depressed to eat or sleep. I'm on several anti-depressants and muscle relaxers. I have always felt lonely and I feel like I have never had actual friends besides my brother; everyone has always rejected me. I hide from social contact and live with my elderly parents. I felt the need to hide in the bathroom while the cable man came into the house and installed cable TV and internet. I also cannot ask store employees any type of question or speak to anyone outside of my family. My family hates this about me and don't really understand me. My only friend, my brother, enlisted in the army and now I am in complete solitude.

I don't get along with my parents, I feel a lot of hate and resentment towards them. My mother is a non-medicated paranoid schizophrenic and by the time my diabetic father realized this and stopped working, the damage was already done. Due to work injuries and heart complications, my father is unable to work. I actually feel as old as my parents health-wise. Welfare is the only thing keeping us from being homeless, hungry, and deprived of medical attention. I have been homeless numerous times growing up and relied on school cafeterias as my primary source of food.

I miss being able to walk without experiencing pain (and being able to actually run) and being able to "interact" with the world. I remember hating everyone at school because they could simply walk to class without suffering. I finished high school early and did not go to prom or walked the line since I couldn't take the stress anymore. Since then, my bed is my home and prison. I feel nothing but painful responses from anything I touch. My bed has pillows and foam, but I feel the same needles and aches as if I was on the floor. And I haven't even mentioned that CWS took away four children I was attached to from our family. I have tried killing myself multiple times and some attempts were quite odd ideas.

I wish I was a normal college kid who was actually living, but I am just another person living their "life" on their bed. No job, school, or contribution to society. I leave my house only for doctor visits and appointments with my psychologist. I hate going outside, the sun, the brightness of daytime and it takes A LOT of effort to get me out of my room, let alone my house. I felt very tired and numb most of my life, but recently I have found a computer hobby. I still feel like crap, but at least I have an actual bed to slowly decay on and something to keep me busy.

I find that listening to music helps me throughout the day. And no not the fake happy songs, the real songs about pain and suffering with raw emotion. Mostly hard rock and metal. I call it my own music therapy.

[gracez]

yes, as you can see there are many others like you. i spend each day also just trying to exist, which i don't want to so that takes a lot of energy. i spend a large portion of my time in bed.

xxx

[Consumed84]

Thank you all for your stories. I am sitting here (in bed), crying after reading them all.

Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.