sad

i am so so sad. after being anxious about parents visiting i am happy how it turned out. i connected with my father for the first time in my 50 years of life. i made a point to focus on him despite my narcissistic mother's jealousy and infantile behavior. i feel sad because they left today and i miss my dad and i never in all my life thought i'd feel like this and it's wonderful and he is 81 years old i used to hope my father died first but now i want time with him and hope she dies first. he monitored his drinking and i was comfortable enough we talked and talked and he told me stories about his life that are amazing full of adventures and i saw how much my mother has gotten in the way of my relationship with him. i used to think he was the worst of the two but now i see she is. he drinks he rages but that's about it. he made such a beautiful effort to not nag me and he treated me with the respect that a 50 year old woman deserves despite the parent/child relationship he treated me as an adult for the most part. i feel sad because she poisoned our relationship and i am sad bc how could it have been so much better. please don't tell me to focus on the positive that we had a good time better late than never. i am grieving the loss of a relationship with my father that i now see i could have had. they live in florida. i am in california. i want to go visit now. but i know there he will drink and i don't want to deal with that. and she will be there. she is so toxic. he and i bonded even over how we were affected by her self-centeredness. i am sad sad sad.

and on top of this my bf got stupid he didn't meet them which i'm glad and he did not want to but he got stupid and i saw his mistrust with me become so ridiculous and it pushed me to the point where i took all my things from his place and left a note saying that he succeeded in pushing away someone who has been monogamous committed faithful and that after all his encouragement (albeit negatively done) to connect with my parents he would throw this at me during their visit because i didn't explain why i decided to stay with them for two nights after saying i wouldn't stay with them in their hotel room bc it was too small. that triggered his mistrust and he said it seemed i was being deceptive. after trying to talk with him and being hung up on 3 x i left the note and took my stuff. and still i wish and hope we can fix this. i don't want to be alone at 50 and my bday is in sept. but he pushed me one too many times and unless he comes to me with words of apology and insight i have to be done with him. i have to accept that this is who he is regardless of my hopes and wishes and desires. this recent accusation or suggestion that i was being deceptive is the final blow. there are other issues but until this gets dealt with IF it gets dealt with the other crap will wait. i am sad because i do want to be with him. it has been two years together. i see the scared boy inside him that is terrified of trusting. he would never own that part of him the boy. and he may still come to me feel right in his suspicions. and that will be the end. i have nothing left to try to work on this without his humbleness. i will do therapy i will do anything as long as he is willing to work on himself too. i even sent an email saying it made sense that my message had been confusing and that i was sorry for that. i said and did all i could. and when he hung up on me the last time i was deflated i felt completely depleted of any energy to hold on anymore. and i have to accept he may never get it. he may never ever get it. and that is so sad. for both of us. in the past i'd be thinking of all i could say to him to get thru to him. now i am determined to say very little. only enough to let him know i am open to working this out. but he has to show me that he is open to his part in this. i will ask what does he need to be able to trust me. i will ask if he wants to break this pattern with me i would be happy to do that with him. his mistrust has been his protection in most if not all is past relationships. who knows. maybe i fell in love with someone who is too immature to make a healthier relationship. it's interesting bc i had too often seen myself as the "sick" one with my dx and now dating someone without an official dx i see that we all have our problems and there is absolutely no shame in my dx. it hasn't crippled me in relationships. if anything it has saved me bc i have learned a lot about myself and communication and dealing with my own issues... i read an article about how we choose our bf/gf by what it is we want for ourselves subconciously. it has me thinking a lot. and it gives me hope that whatever happens it is exactly where i need to be. and right now it sux.

I'm so glad you had the chance to bond with your father. I understand grieving for missed years. My father was in his late 70's before I ever found out he really loved me and was proud of me. I'm sorry your mom kept you apart. It is sad when parents work against each other. it is a shame you live so far apart.

Sounds like you have decided to stand on your own two feet and demand respect as far as you bf is concerned. I hope he comes around for you, but if he doesn't it's sounds like you will be fine. Good luck to you.
Gayle

Thank you Gayle. Your words are soothing.

Wow! It's amazing what you have accomplished--developed a relationship with your father, kept your mother at bay, and dealt with an issue in your relationship with your boyfriend in a satisfactory manner for yourself. You should be so proud! You are showing the wisdom of your years of experience and seem very well grounded in what you are doing. Hope your relationship with the bf comes out as you wish it would. Keep us posted--we can always use a good "success story" to inspire us to be brave & strong for ourselves.

thank u i sob while i read ur post ty for pointing this out. i don't quite feel as strong as you painted me but i think i know i will. i just wish my tears would slow down one day. it seems like every other month i am sobbing about some life altering thing i'm tired and i want this to stop and i want to be done with this life i know it happens maybe because i look for evolving my self.

i helped him my dad button up his sweater bc each time he had it crooked and he told me he doesnt like being told "did you notice..." he hears it as a neg and i thot how cool he could verbalize that and he said similar on phone when i'd asked him to not drink he said it would be better "i would appreciate it if ..." even tho he was angry he waited til next day to tell me and i told him i'm sorry and that he was right and that stopped the fight right there. i like my dad now. it had been 13 years since i last saw him for reasons we both had for staying apart... sad he had to turn 81 and be moving so slow and be weaker physically but i like him enjoyed his company and his stories told him i will sell his story to hollywood and make millions. wish i knw some hollywood ppl. too bad i don't because i live right here in L.A. i liked myself with him too. i was so attentive and watching out for him and helping him walk and patient and i don't know that woman in me i've never been like that with him. i was scared of him all my life and now i sob and scream into my pillow and i can't stop crying between this and the bf crap i can't stop crying my heart is breaking into a million pieces. i despise my mother to a new level she disgusts me. i am glad my father and i (i even caught myself calling him DADDY! i couldn't believe it!) he and i bonded over getting fed up with mother's ****ing insensitive ego-centric acts. she kept trying to do that poison crap of talking "behind" my dad about him but with him in the same area... i kept telling her to stop and i did not want to hear any of it... just writing about her makes me want to vomit. no boundaries her naked in front of me just like always. she wants to consume me. i couldn't even drink from a bottle she had drank from because i felt like she would steal a piece of me. only someone with similar parent would understand that. all i wanted was to be far from her and near my dad. SHE is the insane one. NOT my father like she had brainwashed me to believe. i understand his anger bc she is infuriating. yes he treats her like a kid AND she acts like a child, literally. from the dictionary, this is the woman who raised me:
self-centered: egocentric, egotistic, egotistical, egomaniacal, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, self-seeking, self-interested, self-serving; narcissistic, vain; inconsiderate, thoughtless; informal looking after number one.

i don't know what to do now. i want my dad back here. i want to visit but without her and without his alcohol . and then classic "her" (can't even write the M word) her very last words in tears as they line up at airport were i'm sorry i don't mean to offend you. yeah yeah whatever. i just said it's ok. love you. wanting to get back to saying bye to my dad. he got choked up. you know i even mentioned briefly to him about this bf crap something i had NEVER talked to him about was boys. and he was was SO COOL about it so "daddy-like" . i understand it took us this long to get here bc that's the way it is. no changing that. and maybe that's why i cry and can't stop crying. just so much grief and loss. life sux **** and i want out. i am DONE! how much and how frequently can someone go thru tough crap like this!??? when will i ever just coast for awhile!??? my legs are exhausted! they're shaking and i want off this bike!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See if you can let yourself sleep, even if you have to cry yourself to sleep. The world will probably look a little brighter and you'll be rejuvenated after a night's sleep. Good to remember and reflect on the good parts of your visit. With your mother, just remember how you managed her and had your relationship with your father dispite her being there. Same with the BF--remember how you stuck up for yourself and were able to let him go if he didn't meet your minimum criteria. Wish I could shoulder some of your pain for you...hope things do look better for you in the morning.

Seems like you are asking all the right questions--now you just have to decide for you the right answers. Sorry I can't help with that; it's a personal matter for you. But you don't have to decide right now. You can let time and subsequent events help you answer this. In time, with more feelings, soul-searching, and actions on his part, you'll figure out where to go on this.

........

I will be alone the rest of my life. I have no friends. I'm scared of making the same mistakes. My anxiety is telling me life is dangerous i wont make it on my fixed income. All this bc my relationship with bf is over. I need his humbleness and believe it won't happen if I reach out again. I've called a couple of times and no answer and I didn't leave a message. I pray he will miss me and want me enough to look at himself. But I'm scared I'm wrong and that i should just see how he has trust issues that prob started in childhood and approach him as the wounded boy that he is despite his hanging up on me and suspicions. I'm supposed to see therapist tmrw but am anxious if she'll end up just handing out more questions than answers. I think I'll scream if she answers a question with a question like, "well what do you think."
I am so scared anxious terrified alone. When i think of my plans to go to Africa or plans to adopt an animal i feel some relief but right now those thoughts also exhaust me bc i dont have the energy and it all feels overwhelmingly impossible. Experience tells me this will pass I'll meet someone else I'll be ok. But what if what if what if... How long will I be in this state of feeling pure terror. I want to die i want to die i want to die i am tired tired tired. Life is scary I'm turning 50 in a couple weeks and will be alone and i feel pathetic pathetic pathetic bc at this age i should be in a solid relationship and coasting thru life. I was planning on taking my Quito to cremation over the new moon on my bday and that's when i celebrated all 3 of our bdays and he has been in my freezer since January bc I didnt have a reliable way to take him and i want to be there for the whole thing. Now i doubt I will have the strength to do it then.

.......

I think you will find the strength to do what you need to do with Quito. Obviously, a very important part of your life. You will feel better once you get the cermation taken care of, and finish your grieving process. It will take time for your heart to heal the pain will ease while keeping the good memories. Been there. Take care.
gayle