I hate my life

I feel kinda stupid writing this because I do have family and friends (if that's what you call those people that call you only when they need something) to talk to, but I just don't feel like I can talk to them. I don't trust them. It's kinda funny that I would be more trusting writing this knowing complete strangers are going to read this.
But anyway, my problem is that I am really depressed. It all started probably about six months ago or so. I was in school and I just started feeling down, but I could live with it.
I graduated from highschool this past year (class of '06).
I have managed to isolate myself from pretty much everyone, and I only just realized it a couple of weeks ago.
I haven't had a job since before school ended and I don't really feel like working. I can't go to college because of some personal issues that I don't want to bring up, even though they do add to the reason why I feel so depressed, trapped, and hopeless. Lets just say that I am not allowed to go to college and I can't get a driver's license. I feel completely trapped in this crappy world and really, I just want to get out of it.
I feel like I have no one to talk to, but that may be because I really don't. My family is pretty much in denial that i'm depressed. They try to blame my lack of energy and my lack of interest of socializing on laziness.
I am a lazy person, but this is so much more than that.
I can't get up in the morning. it's not because I am too tired (Even though sometimes I am), but because I just don't see a point.
I don't feel like doing anything.
I used to be very social and have a lot of friends, but I alienated myself and became very unfriendly.
I can't stand any of my friends anymore. I can't talk to my best friend because I just don't trust her. We don't agree on much of anything (although we don't fight), and sometimes I think that the only reason that she likes me is because I listen to her problems and give her advice.
I keep to myself a lot. I don't trust anyone. AT ALL.
I don't work or go to school. I don't go out with friends. When people try to reach out to me, I make it impossible for them to get to know me. I ignore people's phone calls.
But I am usually bored and have the desire to do something. I want to go out, but I just don't know with who. i feel like crap.
My mom knows that I'm depressed, and I told her that I want to take medication. She is supposed to be taking medication for her depression but she doesn't because of the side effects and how it harms her liver, so I asked her if I could take her medicine. She told me to "just cheer up". She said I didn't need medication. She pretty much said that I just needed to "snap out of it." and just get out of bed, turn off the TV and do something. But I just can't. She doesn't think I need help. BUt I do. I need help. I can't go to the doctor by myself. I'm broke and I'm not old enough to go by myself. I don't know what to do.
Im not suicidal, but I'm afraid that if thinks continue the way that they're going, i will be someday. I don't want that to happen.
Ok, well I think this is long enough. Sorry if I have wasted your time.
if there's anyone that wants to talk, let me know. i will listen. We can talk on AIM. Let me know.
Thanks.

(((((((((((( prettyjolie ))))))))))

It must be so hard for you that your family doesn't want to acknowledge your depression! Is there maybe a church nearby? They usually have counsellors that can help, and they can also help with the situation with your parents.... You do need help, but you know that already! I'm so sorry that you have to suffer through this alone...

blimey, i was pretty much reading a peace of writing about what i went through 3/4 years ago. i was exactly the same as you are now. i would stay in bed all day, it took all my energy to get up, then when i got up felt really run down and tired so id go back to bed and cry. i didnt have a job. i didnt have friends, nor did i have family that were willing to help. i know EXACTLY what you are going through and the only thing i can do now is try to help you through this.

firstly, its not a good idea to take your mums medication, it is dangerous to take medication that isnt prescribed to you directly. unless of course in painkillers etc. but tablets as powerful as anti-depresants are not good tot ake without consulting your doctor.

may i ask, how old are you? im guessing you are around 16/17 years old?

dont worry about isolating yourself away from yuor so called friends. you dont need to be hearing their problems right now and you need to be focusing on yourself. allow this time that you have to work on yourself. i got through what your going through by spending 50 mins a week at councilling. thats it. nothing more, nothing less. i just wish i knew this website existed. you are certainly at the right place on this site, and its good to trust us here, we cannot and will not let you down. we are here to help and hopefully, thats what we will do.

its not laziness that stops you doing anything, its the fact that your body is using so much energy trying to heal itself that it has none left for everyday activities.

do you ever feel like crying? if so, cry...let it all out. and if it doesnt help, cry more.

before i was struck with severe depression i had friends i use to go out with everyday, but as soon as i stopped seeing them, i heard nothing from them, unless they wanted someone. so i turned my mobile off and didnt answer my home phone if ever it rang. its not a bad thing to isolate those in life you dont need, its gives you the opportunity to purely focus on yourself.

allow yourself to fall. sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you are able to climb back up. i did get suicidal when i was in your situation, and i nearly took an overdose. but at the very last second i dropped them and realised there is a way out of this, and from then on i was determined to work my way out. i had hit rock bottom then, and it had to happen for me to realise the way out. but im not suggesting you try this, i was so lucky to get out whilst i still could. others arent always as lucky.

you really should see a doctor, even if its going with your mum but making her sit in the waiting room whilst you talk to your doctor. your mum wouldnt have to know what you say then. you need to look into local therapy/councilling. this will help you so much. unfortunately, you dont really have a choice in this, it is essential you see your doctor, and there is nothing stopping you except yourself, so you need to find the strength to just frce yourself to go and tell him/her all about your depression. they may put you on anti-depressants, but they should give you information on local therapists/councillors. i went to my doctor at alone at the age of 15/16, im sure you can. i see a councillor that is free, its a government funded one, its the same one i started seeing 3/4 years ago when i was at my worst so she knows all about how i am "wired". i still see her now because i have further issues to contend with, but i am over my depression.

i wont lie to you PJ, it does take an awful lot of hard work, and it takes a long time too to get out of this. it took me up until early this year to get out of mine (so that makes itabout 3 years for me) but you have an advantage...you have this place, PC. you are able to talk whenever you get down, all i had was 50 mins a week. in between these sessions i had nothing, or no one. you have the advantage, i juts hope you make the most of it.

my family didnt ever see how low i got, i hid in my room for months on end, afraid to leave my house, afraid to speak to anyone. i was a wreck. but i see it now as a blessing. i know that sounds crazy but to experience something like that and come out of it with aspirations and passion (such as i have) is an incredible thing to know. many here at Pc have been, or are in your situation. you wont find so many understanding people all in one place.

you will get through this with the right help. therapy is the way to go with this. you will be able to discuss witht hem the issues that made you depressed initially, and by targetting the source of your depression will help you emerge from it.

and dont worry about not having friends to turn to, you can build them up after you are feeling so low, its not important right now. niether is depending on your family. i believe we are set this task such as yours, and it determines whether we can survive it or not, and if you do you will be so strong inside afterwards.

please know i am here for you anytime, i know exactly what you are going through and id like to help you, if youd let me. pm me if you want to ok.

take care of yourself and try to get to go to the doctors. or research therapists on the internet in your local area, you might not even need to see your doctor if you find a therapist.

i hope you stay well and safe. go with whatever feelings you havem its all natural. just embrace it, however it is. you will see the other side of this, i promise. i know first hand.

blimey, my reply is longer than your post lol. sorry about that.

simon

Dear prettyjolie,
I am glad you found your way to this site...... I am new here but I have seen a lot of love and compassion here..... I pray you find that here, too.
I have sufferred from chronic depression for most of my life.... it has been quite a struggle, as I am sure you feel, also. I write when I get down...also, I have learned NOT to even trust my own feelings.... however, because He has proved to me time and again, I KNOW I can trust in my Jesus... He is my place of peace....

Here is just something to think about... it has helped me...hope you find ways to enjoy this awesome autumn weather....

Patti

Before the New Covenant days, it was common knowledge as to where God lived: "in the temple down on the square." He told the people very clearly that this would be His "house."
Then Christ came and walked the narrow streets of Jerusalem, climbed the hills of Israel, and went fishing on the Sea of Galilee. On that catastrophic day when He was crucified, the veil in the temple -- behind which God resided -- was ripped down the middle from top to bottom!
And everyone could see where God had lived.
But He wasn't "homeless" very long. He moved in with me . . . and He moved in with you.
Do you not know that you are a temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?
1 Corinthians 3:16
"But Patti, that's so . . . well, so . . . otherworldly. I can't seem to grasp it . . . it eludes me."
Do you know why? It's because you want to feel something that would validate it for you. You want to see a difference. But Truth is Truth. God cannot lie. And He has said to us, "My Spirit now lives in you. This makes you holy ground, a temple of the living God."
"Wait a minute, Patti. You're saying I'm 'holy ground'? the 'temple of God' "?
Oh no, I'm not, God is. You need evidence? All right. Let's look at some verses and discover who you are as a Christian and what Christ is in your life.
I've written down what each of the following verses says about you. Read it out loud so you can hear what God is saying. And remember, we are not talking about feelings; we're talking about your true identity.
John 1:12 I am a child of God (Romans 8:16).
John 15:1,5 I am a part of the true vine, a channel (branch) of His Life.
John 15:15 I am Christ's friend.
John 15:16 I am chosen and appointed by Christ to bear His fruit.
Acts 1:8 I am a personal witness of Christ for Christ.
Romans 3:24 I have been justified and redeemed.
Romans 5:1 I have been justified (completely forgiven and made righteous) and am at peace with God.
Romans 6:1-6 I died with Christ and died to the power of sin's rule in my life.
Romans 6:7 I have been freed from sin's power over me.
Romans 6:18 I am a slave of righteousness.
Romans 6:22 I am enslaved to God.
Romans 8:1 I am forever free from condemnation.
Romans 8:14,15 I am a son of God (God is literally my "Papa") (Galatians 3:26; 4:6).
Romans 8:17 I am an heir of God and fellow heir with Christ.
Romans 11:16 I am holy.
Romans 15:7 Christ has accepted me.
1 Corinthians 1:2 I have been sanctified.
1 Corinthians 1:30 I have been placed in Christ by God's doing; Christ is now my wisdom from God, my righteousness, my sanctification, and my redemption.
1 Corinthians 2:12 I have received the Spirit of God into my life that I might know the things freely given to me by God.
1 Corinthians 2:16 I have been given the mind of Christ.
1 Corinthians 3:16; 6:19 I am a temple (home) of God; His Spirit (His life) dwells in me.
1 Corinthians 6:17 I am joined to the Lord and am one spirit with Him.
1 Corinthians 6:19,20 I have been bought with a price; I am not my own; I belong to God.
1 Corinthians 12:27 I am a member of Christ's body (Ephesians 5:30).
2 Corinthians 1:21 I have been established in Christ and anointed by God.
2 Corinthians 2:14 He always leads me in His triumph in Christ.
2 Corinthians 5:14,15 Since I have died, I no longer live for myself, but for Christ.
2 Corinthians 5:17 I am a new creation.
2 Corinthians 5:18,19 I am reconciled to God and am a minister of reconciliation.
2 Corinthians 5:21 I am the righteousness of God in Christ.
Galatians 2:4 I have liberty in Christ Jesus.
Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I am now living is Christ's life.
Galatians 3:26,28 I am a child of God and one in Christ.
Galatians 4:6,7 I am a child of God and an heir through God.
Ephesians 1:1 I am a saint (1 Corinthians 1:2; Philippians 1:1; Colossians 1:2).
Ephesians 1:3 I am blessed with every spiritual blessing.
Ephesians 1:4 I was chosen in Christ before the foundation of the world to be holy and without blame before Him.
Ephesians 1:7,8 I have been redeemed and forgiven, and am a recipient of His lavish grace.
Ephesians 2:5 I have been made alive together with Christ.
Ephesians 2:6 I have been raised up and seated with Christ in heaven.
Ephesians 2:10 I am God's workmanship, created in Christ to do His work that He planned beforehand that I should do.
Ephesians 2:13 I have been brought near to God.
Ephesians 2:18 I have direct access to God through the Spirit.
Ephesians 2:19 I am a fellow citizen with the saints and a member of God's household.
Ephesians 3:6 I am a fellow heir, a fellow member of the body, and a fellow partaker of the promise in Christ Jesus.
Ephesians 3:12 I may approach God with boldness and confidence.
Ephesians 4:24 I am righteous and holy.
Philippians 3:20 I am a citizen of heaven.
Philippians 4:7 His peace guards my heart and my mind.
Philippians 4:19 God will supply all my needs.
Colossians 1:13 I have been delivered from the domain of darkness and transferred to the kingdom of Christ.
Colossians 1:14 I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. The debt against me has been canceled (Colossians 2:13,14).
Colossians 1:27 Christ Himself is in me.
Colossians 2:7 I have been firmly rooted in Christ and am now being built up and established in Him.
Colossians 2:10 I have been made complete in Christ.
Colossians 2:12,13 I have been buried, raised, and made alive with Christ, and totally forgiven.
Colossians 3:1 I have been raised with Christ.
Colossians 3:3 I have died, and my life is now hidden with Christ in God.
Colossians 3:4 Christ is now my life.
Colossians 3:12 I am chosen of God, holy and dearly loved (1 Thessalonians 1:4).
1 Thessalonians 5:5 I am a child of light and not of darkness.
2 Timothy 1:7 I have been given a spirit of power, love, and discipline.
2 Timothy 1:9 I have been saved and called (set apart) according to God's purpose and grace (Titus 3:5).
Hebrews 2:11 Because I am sanctified and am one with Christ, He is not ashamed to call me His.
Hebrews 3:1 I am a holy partaker of a heavenly calling.
Hebrews 3:14 I am a partaker of Christ.
Hebrews 4:16 I may come boldly before the throne of God to receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
1 Peter 2:5 I am one of God's living stones and am being built up as a spiritual house.
1 Peter 2:9,10 I am a part of a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people of God's own possession.
1 Peter 2:11 I am an alien and stranger to this world that I temporarily live in.
1 Peter 5:8 I am an enemy of the devil. He is my adversary.
2 Peter 1:4 I have been given God's precious and magnificent promises by which I am a partaker of the divine nature.
1 John 3:1 God has bestowed a great love on me and called me His child.
1 John 4:15 God is in me and I am in God.
Now, even though you may not "feel" like these verses are true, are they in fact true? Yes. Why? Because God said so. You, then, must accept His Word and act like what He has called you: a wonderful new creation! The very dwelling place of God!
* * *
We are so uninhibited as children. How well I remember dancing in Nana’s front yard, pretending I was Ginger Rogers. It didn't matter how many people went by. As far as I was concerned, when they looked at me they were seeing Ginger: long blonde hair, willowy, graceful, and beautiful. But I was just "pretending."
When we "act out" Jesus living through us -- in us -- we are not pretending. It is truth! But the people who are watching will see the grace and beauty ofHim "dancing" through us. How we cheat ourselves every day when we say,"This is too difficult for me to understand . . . too mystical. I just can't do it."
Come on. Let's go out in the front yard and dance!

Thanks for your replies..
I have to admit that I do feel a little bit better today, even though this day is no different to any other.
I don't really practice religion, but I do believe in God and I do pray every once in a while.
In a couple of days, I am going to this church thing (I don't know what it's called), and I don't even know what we're going to do there. I'm just pretty much going because I feel that getting closer to God may help me, and also because I want to get away from my life and my family for a couple of days.
Hopefully that'll help. I don't know.\
Anyway, thanks for your advice. =]
I really appreciate it..

prettyjolie...welcome to PC...as you can see already there are good people here who are more than willing to listen to you and give advice...I think the best thing for you right now would be to talk with a therapist...If you are of school age you could go to your counselor and maybe she or her could suggest someone for you...Mom probably doesn't want to admit you are depressed because she doesn't want you going through what she has been...but you do need to take care of yourself and find someone you can relate to....the sooner you do, the better you will be feeling... ((hugs))

hey, jollie,
so happy to hear your day was better.....

* Lord, keep Jolie in Your precious Care. Thank you. *

I am also happy to know you already feel His gentle hugs....................................................................................

Patti

Grab a thought or an idea and just do it no matter how you feel. Feeling as you describe, I went to the library and started reading "children's" books, fantasy. They give hope and more ideas. You need momentum of some sort, any sort will do. Decide to take a shower because you feel grubby and don't like feeling grubby anymore or change/wash your sheets so they're clean and more comfortable, etc. Start a journal and get some of the yucky stuff out of your head and heart so there's room for more pleasant stuff. Put one foot in front of the other. It won't necessarily have a point at first but neither does college to a first grader.

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