Misplaced

I got a little confused and wrote all this stuff in my introductory post, so if you've already read it under "New Members", that's why it sounds familiar.

There are several issues interfering with my life; I'll just briefly go over the ones that are bothering me the most:

1) I'm a 50 year old housewife and mother. The problem is, I never wanted to be just a housewife - which is exactly what my parents wanted me to be. I have a fairly good brain and some talents that people admire, and I really hoped I'd do something worthwhile with my life. Now I'm starting to think it's too late and I'll never accomplish anything. People condescendingly tell me "You're a mother, that's the most important job in the world!" What they don't seem to understand is that I not only don't feel fulfilled, I feel like I'm wasting my life. When my younger child graduates from high school next year, what am I then?

2) I had a less than wonderful childhood, so when someone says or does something unkind or thoughtless, I often react as though I'm being attacked. I take things far too personally - things that normal people would just shrug off. It's as though I look for reasons to push people out of my life. I once spent 15 years without any friends; then when I found some, I pushed them all away, and spent another year without friends. I found more, and have pushed away all but two of them. I'm afraid I'll do the same thing again, picking ridiculous fights with them that will force them out of my life too.

3) I've been married to the same man for 26 years, and I love him, but I'm feeling really stifled and trapped. I used to be an independent-minded person; now I feel like he has taken over my whole life. He's a good man, and I hate feeling this way, but the thought of him taking early retirement in two years and being around all the time has me feeling depressed and hopeless.

4) I used to be thin and pretty. Now I'm overweight and plain, and even though it happened gradually over many years, I'm suddenly finding it extremely hard to deal with - possibly because one of the friends I haven't managed to get rid of yet is a guy I really like.

There are other issues, like not having the energy to leave the house, and almost-constant physical pain, but I think they stem from the problems I've listed, especially the first one.

I'm turning to this forum because I'm hoping to find some actual understanding of what I'm going through, and maybe some emotional support while I figure things out.

Wow I can relate to a lot of what you're saying!

I'll be fifty this month and while I have a son who lives with us (he has a MI), he is very independent and doesn't need mothering. My daughter has been on her own for some time.

My husband is a mostly good guy. We have been there for each other through some very hard times. He does all the bills and takes care of things like insurance issues and things of that nature. I really appreciate it, but at the same time it makes me feel like I'm not an adult when I refer everything to him (you'll have to talk to my husband he deals with all that).

I worked my whole life until 2011 when I was hit with a manic episode and my husband pushed me toward disability. All those years when I was working I dreamed of not having to work. Now that I don't have to work I often feel useless. I don't like cooking or housekeeping, but I do both (not as well as I should).

I also dread the thought of my husband retiring! It will be some years before he does but yikes!

In general I have one morning a week now when I do Meals on Wheels ( just started it) which I am enjoying. The rest of the time I spend too much time doing very little and it is bad for me.

Do you know what you might want to do?

Thanks, Otter63

I'm in the same situation when it comes to paying bills and handling insurance issues. It's not that I can't do it myself, it's that he's a lot more patient when dealing with people, and it became a habit to let him deal with everything.

My younger child has Aspergers Syndrome and still needs me around, and my anger issues make it difficult for me to keep a job anyway, so staying at home is not the problem. At least it wouldn't be, if I could find something fulfilling to do at home, and if I could have some breathing room.

My husband and I are very private, home-oriented types, and he doesn't have friends or hobbies. so all he wants to do during his time off is be at home - which means I have to be at home too, or he mopes and makes me feel guilty. What he fails to take into account is that he has his job and his union activities, so he gets all the social interaction he can handle, but I don't have those outlets. He says he wants me to go out with friends and have fun, but his attitude says something very different.

In the past I tried to get him involved with my social groups, and to say they did not click is a huge understatement. I've lost several friends that way (so I guess it's not always me pushing them away.)

I'm trying yet again to make friends, and the other day he said he wants to be friends with them too, even though he has never met them. I didn't know whether I wanted to punch him or cry! I need space, I need something of my own! I can't even take a bath without him trying to talk to me through the door!

Getting back to your question, though... Not knowing what I want to do has always been a problem for me. When I was a kid I wanted to be a writer or an artist, and I have talent in both areas, but my parents always belittled my talents and one of my sisters, an extremely critical person, told me repeatedly I'd never make any money doing those things. Anything I wanted to do that did not involve becoming a housewife, secretary, or English teacher was, according to them, doomed to fail.

I've tried starting little at-home businesses such as making and selling art dolls, running a small independent publishing house, and starting a book review website that I hoped would generate income from advertising, but apparently my parents and sister were right because even though I received a lot of praise for my abilities, I failed at all of them. Depression, a lack of energy, a lack of people skills, and a thorough inability to market anything kept getting in the way. I just really wish I knew what my purpose in life is, or how to regain my passion and make it work for me.

It's great that you're enjoying working with Meals on Wheels - it sounds like it's good for you as well as for them. Maybe there are similar programs that would be happy to use some more of your free time?

Sounds like you haven't been validated much in life. Have you tried therapy to explore your feelings and get a handle on the anger? What about volunteering at various places to find a fit. Students can always use good tutors or mentors,, animal shelters are very rewarding for some people.

I haven't had much success with therapists. My parents took me to one when I was 9 or 10 because my father was a physically violent alcoholic and my mother was a religious fanatic enabler and somehow I was the one with the problem. After only one session he told them, "She just doesn't want to be helped."

There was one I saw once in college who spent the whole session talking about whether or not he would become aroused if he were to touch me in certain places.

Another one I saw shortly after the birth of my first child fell asleep during a session and still expected to be paid.

There were others who wanted to focus on death or on how I really love my sister even though I say I hate her (no, actually I really do hate her; she was as emotionally abusive to me as my parents were). They each seemed to have their own agenda that had very little to do with me.

The only time I've felt that a therapist was really listening was when I saw one about 10 years ago and told her that a friend was pressuring me to forgive my parents. Her response was very pragmatic: "Have they asked to be forgiven?" Of course they hadn't; that would have involved admitting they'd done something wrong. So she told me to wait and deal with it when I was ready. I stopped my sessions with her when she told me it shouldn't bother me that my husband had cheated on me because that was his choice and it had nothing to do with me.

I wish I could find someone who would listen to my story without having their thoughts focused on preaching their own values or researching their thesis or whatever else they wanted to use me for, but so far that hasn't happened.

Wow! Amazingly awful therapists! It would be really hard to pursue that path after such bad experiences.

It sounds like you feel really trapped. I know that feeling.

My husband got ugly, stupid drunk last night. Listened to him making all kinds of weird sounds till 4am. I was glad he managed to barf in the toilet and not on the rug. Pretty disgusted with him right now.

He gets very loud and yells at the neighbors and gets arrested. He apologizes, but between my bipolar behavior and his drunkenness, I feel pretty embarrassed in the neighborhood.

I too have trouble with making/keeping friends. My husband doesn't have friends. I do have one friend and my sisters. I think I also push people away.

I know no one has a perfect life, but I wouldn't mind having more normal problems.

That sounds horrible, Otter. Unfortunately, it also sounds familiar. My father used to get drunk and threaten the neighbors, when he wasn't stumbling around the backyard moaning and crying as loud as he could. My mother would get into verbal feuds with the neighbors. Seriously embarrassing, especially when kids at school commented. My parents never apologized though, so at least you've got that. Maybe your bipolar disorder would be easier to handle if your husband went to rehab or joined AA or something? I'm sure you've already thought of that though.

I know exactly what you mean by wishing for normal problems. I see other people who seem so much more stable and emotionally mature than I am, and it's beyond me how they got to be that way. Are there really people who are fairly happy with their lives despite the ups and downs, or are they just good at keeping up appearances? I really don't know.

Something I would love to learn is how not to take every word and action as a threat or a ploy to gain my trust so I can be humiliated later. An acquaintance told me that I act like I'm in high school. Well, sometimes the world feels like that to me, with the popular kids pretending to like me so they can do something horrible and laugh about how I believed their offers of friendship, and with the bullies just flat-out being bullies. I don't trust anyone other than my husband and kids.

I know this stems from my upbringing. I couldn't trust my parents. They almost never took my side, or made me feel like I was a worthwhile person. If I got into an argument with a classmate, my mother would take my classmate's side. I remember crying and telling one girl that she had to go home, and my mother saying, "No, Becky can stay. She's my friend." Becky and I were both around 6 or 7, and my mother was around 45 or 46; it was really bizarre, and I can't tell you how much it hurt.

There were a lot of horrible episodes while I was growing up; far too many to list here. The thing is, I wish I could keep them from affecting my life now. I want to be happy, but I keep sabotaging myself with my behavior.

Kinda sucks, you know?

I'm sorry about your childhood experiences. Sounds really hard to deal with! You said your dad was violent when drunk. Was he violent with you? And that is really bizarre how your mom sided with your friend against you. My mom was critical and tended to focus too much on our appearance, but there were times she stuck up for us kids when she shouldn't have.

My husband has been through rehab like ten times. Seriously. We even started a rehab program for women back in the early nineties. He will go to one, maybe two meetings depending on how bad he feels and then he will quit. He had 11 months sober when he drank a few months ago. The fact that he has been through rehab so many times makes it all harder somehow.

I know what you mean about trusting people. I had a friend in grade school, my best friend, who humiliated me and betrayed me in high school. I don't know how to let people in. I'm quick to tell people about myself, but I don't trust them.

I do think there are some people whose lives are fairly smooth. Of course there are plenty of people who only appear that way, but I think it's a spectrum.

I told my husband to clean the barf off the toilet. He did a lousy job, and he knows how to clean a toilet! I told him to clean it again. I don't care that he works fifty plus hours a week and I sit on my rear most of the time. He's cleaning that toilet till it's right and I'm doing some retail therapy!

Damn it! I spent half an hour typing out a reply, only to have the forum get rid of it because I supposedly wasn't logged in! I don't have the energy to retype all of that right now, so I'll just say I hope you enjoy your retail therapy.

Just hate it when stuff disappears like that! I didn't spend much, but it was good to get out of the house. Hope you're having a good weekend.