Must be me!

i seemed to have hit a low this evening. im just riding out but to help i thought i would post about why im unhappy.

i feel like im a disappointment to others. i feel like im a bad son, a bad friend, a bad everything!

i believe that if i wasnt a bad son, my mum wouldnt have drank herself to into her grave, and my dad wouldnt be a borderline alcoholic now. i just think they drink to escape the reality. i cant be that good a son if they want to escape. it destroys any confidence in someone, having parents who are alcoholics, especially one who knew she would die if she continued, but continued anyway. to put it simply, i think that it is my fault my mum is dead and my dad is an alcoholic.

i feel like im a nobody. nothing special, just someone whos alive to cheer other people up. and thats the only time people talk to me, to tell me how unhappy they are. it might sound strange, but i dont feel that way about PC, i am happy to help others here at PC, but in my everyday life, people dont care about me or notice me unless they want help themselves. i just feel useless, and a poor friend and family member. i feel like no one loves me, and no one likes me, no matter how hard i try. and when i dont try they stay away just as much. i dont have any self-esteem, i think very low of myself and feel like im a good for nothing nobody.

please dont think im attention seeking, i just have to get stuff off my chest. ive been really low all night so i need to get it out in the open.

im in a low at the moment, im sure it will brighten up soon enough, usually does. but tonight i feel down. mainly for the reason i feel like a bad son. i found some empty cans of lager today whilst cleaning that are my dads. he hides the alcohol, and most nights he gets drunk and sits there ignoring me and treating me like an idiot. my mum was similar, she use to just sit there drinking from the moment she got up in the morning and would avoid the fact she had children there who needed her.

i keep thinking "it cant be that the world is bad and i am good, its more like the world is good, and i am the bad one" if you see what i mean...

sorry to be down and moaning, but like i said, i just had to get it off my chest. had to talk to someone.
thanks for listening.

simon

(((((((Simon)))))))))
Deep in your heart, you know all those negative things you're feeling about yourself right now aren't true. If you've forgotten then let me remind you that you're a great person with lots of compassion, warmth, stregnth and honesty.
Those are all great qualities to have. If I knew you in person I'm positive we'd be good friends.
I hope this black cloud that's fogging up your vision blows past you soon. More hugs!!!!!

Simon:
Have you ever thought about going to Alonon? It is a support system for family members of alcoholics. I also have two alcoholic parents and have been were you are. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT> remember that, they chose to drink and that has nothing to do with you. The feelings you are having are normal however, I have been were you are. If you want to talk, feel free to pm me. The negative things you are saying do not sound at all like what I have heard when you post here, you are a good and worthy person who had nothing to do with the poor choices that your parents made, I hope that your day gets better and just know that PC is a great place to unload all the bad feelings

thank you for the support jax and lgreen.

its not normally how i think, but tonight things seem hard, i guess i was triggered by the empty cans i found. and im just going through the sexual abuse i endured when i was little, its all combined tonight, man i hate days like this! i suppose we just have to keep going dont we.

i havent tried alanon, no. i have heard of them, but havent ever looked any further into it. i will look them up now, thank you for that lgreen.

im sure this mood will pass, but everything seems to have caught me today, so its hard work processing it all at once.

simon

It's ok to moan once in a while. Hope you get a little breathing space soon. Sorry to hear you had a bad night.

thank you for your support when i needed it earlier everyone, it was greatly welcomed and appreciated.

i was able to pull myself out of it quite quickly actually. posting how i feel on PC helps a great deal. i was able to get it organised in my head and be able to translate my feelings and emotions into words and was able to express it to others, and this is something i find helps dramatically. maybe thats why im writing a book currently, and why im able to write music the way i do. communication releases so much of my negativity, and i am able to see clearly pretty quickly afterwards.

but it was down to you guys too, your kind words of encouragement helped alot. its sometimes nice to be told some of that. i dont think highly of myself at all and i always am trying to lift my spirits on my own (i have no one to do so in my everyday life) and so after a while it gets too hard and i get low. so hearing kind words of encouragement did a world of good.

thank you

simon

Dear Simon,
it is NOT your fault that your parents started to drink.
It runs in families and genes and environmental factors from their past, they certainly have had problems in their life which have nothing to do with u. Not being the "good boy" is actually very healthy response because when things aren't right surely someone will start to have symptoms - and usually it's the kids. And parents won't see anything wrong with their lifestyle. But I know it can be very emotional issue and hard to rationalize. You are very special and that is for sure. There's no use to feel guilty, but I feel for u, I feel guilty easily too. It's nobody's fault that ur parents started to drink. U have the right to not be that "good boy"
and have the right to express ur feelings and angers. Hope ur mood lifts soon!! ~Hugs~

Simon,
I haven't heard anything negative come out of you until now.. I have to admit it's somewhat surprising. But everyone has their up's and down's.
I think you are an amazing person. And I don't think you should blame yourself. I think a lot of the time, parents do things without realizing [and sometimes caring] about the effect it's going to have on their children.
I have never been around an alcoholic, but my best friend when I was little had parents that drank ALOT. I saw how much she suffered because of it and how badly she wanted to get out of that situation.
i understand why you feel like it's your fault, but I truly believe that it's not.
I think a lot of the time parents start drinking because they can't handle their lives and their children. They can't take the pressure and responsiblity so they just give up, and start doing something like drinking as an outlet.
I relate to you when you say that people in every day life come to you only when they need help. That's how i feel too. But it may be because you are a great listener and you give great advice.. People just don't realize that we have our own problem and need help too sometimes.
Well, I hope you are feeling better..
And hope I helped, so certainly made me feel better.
Have a great day =]

((((((((( simon )))))))))))

Sorry I missed you last night.... If nothing else, you are a good friend to me. You made me feel so welcome when I was knew here!!!!!!!