tonight, i feel as though i need to cry, but the tears just cant flow. i was led in bed and i could feel the pressure behind my eyes and in my chest that i normally get if i cry, but i cant just cant release any tears right now, and i dont know why!

ive tried singing, that helps. when i sing i pour my heart and soul into the words that i sing and usually that helps, but its1:20am here and everyones in bed, so i cant sing. i might anyway though, however selfish that might be.

i just need to cry, i can feel the pressure and want to release it, i know i wont be able to sleep until its released.

the sooner i am back to my normal self the better. i have been low for days now, but i havent cried, so i think thonight all the pressure has built up and i just need to release it.

i will try to explain the best i can, so try if you will to picture this...
say you have a full bottle of water, adn you tip the bottle upside down with the lid off, all the water tries to flow out of the lid but because the space is limited, it cant all flow at the same time. thats how it feels for me right now, if you see what i mean. theres so much pressure that it cant all be released, and thats stopped it flowing completely.

i feel constantly ill too! ive just had 3 weeks off work due to an injured shoulder, and tonight i have a really sore throat, so i hope its nothing and that it will be gone tomorrow. i feel run-down. like i need a break, a holiday. im trying ot take as best care of mysell as i possibly can but it just doesnt seem to be good enough, i am missing something big in my life and my whole mood lately is affecting my singing, i want to book lessons but just dont feel up to it. i feel distant from my true self and i cant seem to find me. now i know im not hitting deep depression again, but things are getting heavy on my shoulders and my skies are darkening, like a storm is due, thats why i need to cry, the tears are the raindrops (bit more imagery there).

im going to bed now, and will listen to my MP3 player and sing, except my throat hurts so i doubt i will, dont want to injure it anymore.

im just fed up i suppose. but sorry for the long post, just wanted to vent some stuff. im sure you ll are aware that i havent been myself these past few days so im sure you understand. heres me hoping it passes soon so i can get back in touch with myself and most importantly, the 2 things that mean the world to me: 1. my music and singing, and 2. helping others here, providing support. its part of who i am and so not being able to do it feels as though a big part of me is missing, temporarily.

i will stop moaning now, and thank you for your time reading this.

speak soon

simon

[Christina86]

Moaning, you are not.

I do know where you're at. I'd personally say that if singing helps, even with a sore throat that you should do it (ps. actually exercising your vocal cords when you're sick is the best idea and not trying to rest it, I know it sounds weird but it works!). I'd do it, but singing doesn't help me release tears. Anger yes though. I'm probably going to do it, and I don't care if I upset everyone in my residence building. All my neighbours.

Self-care, taking care of you in whatever way you find works is the only reasonable option, in my experience.

I wish I could help Simon, I really do.

I hope you find the release you're seeking and that you're feeling like your "old self" sooner, rather than later.

((((((((Simon))))))))

*hugs* And like you've done for me before, (and I do mean it) if you ever want to chat, am only a PM away.

[biplol]

Simon, I was going to ask you something today, but I don't know if I should now.
Well anyway. I'm so sorry you are felling this way...
(((((((simon)))))) I read one of your posts today and it really moved me, you are such an inspiration, being your age, and going thru what you had it's too much sometimes, but also, looking at you I can see how much hope there is still out there.
~~~~~tons of hugs for you~~~~~~

[(JD)]

((((safe hug))))) Maybe visualizing something that makes you sad, but might be "safe" to cry over... once you're crying you can shift what you think about. Will cutting onions help? IDK. I do know the feeling. For me I think it was because I was ALSO angry OR glad at the same time I felt I should be crying. Inside I wanted to be sad, but I couldn't do it fully (cry) because of so many other thoughts, imo.

[biplol]

Sky, "cutting onions" I"m sorry, I don't mean any disrepect, but that was hilariuos!

i've felt like that b4, simon, one thing i do sometimes is get out paints or crayons and draw my sadness. It helps alot to have a physical representation of my pain.

[katheryn]

(((((((((simon)))))))))

Thank you guys. i do still feel really low today but not as bad as last night, im usually more unhappy at night, i dont know why though.

i think its the weather here that is making me that little worse, its been cold and very windy and very rainy for the last week, and in miserable weather i usualyl find i feel miserable. whereas, in sunny, hot weather i find i can think more clearly and have a "sunny" outlook on life.

Canders, i am so grateful you are here, you, and everyone here are doing enough for me by just being here. my throat is worse today, it actually hurts to swallow. and it hurts to talk, so singing is out of the question, i dont want to be worse! i hope the old self returns soon too. im trying to take good care of myself but it just isnt possible right now, im not doing a good enough job. and canders, i will take up that offer, and i will pm you in a bit. thank you for the offer, it means alot to me.

What did you want to ask me biplol, please, go ahead. thank you for the compliments. i value what you said. thank you.

sky, i havent tried cutting onions. but i might try it later, will give an excuse to cook so i can. i can see how it would help so its worth a try.

esthersvirtue, i havent tried drawing it either. im not any good at drawing, its the wrong sort of art for me. music and song is my art. which reminds me, the title of this post (The tears are trapped) gave me inspiration for a song based on what this post is about. i think The Tears Are Trapped is a great song title, and it just popped into my head when i was pm'ing somebody saying about my post. im going to write a song based around how i am feeling later, and title it The Tears Are Trapped. i usually find that i can be feeling really low and say something, then an idea will pop into my mind and sends my creativity wild, so i get loads of ideas and produce some songs. so, esthersvirtue, i think i will use creativity, i like imagery in my songs so i will try to draw a picture with words.

thank you for the hug katherine. i accept it with open arms

i still didnt cry last night after making this post. i went back to bed and couldnt sleep so i decided to get up, get dressed, made a cup of tea, and sat on ym patio for an hour. it was really cold ooutside but i was dressed up warm, and had a nice hot cup of tea and just let the cold air clear my mind. it was nice to get fresh air and the moon was so bright and there were no clouds in the sky so i sat looking at the sky and began talking to my (deceased) mum. i like to think she can hear me and i often turn to her when im low. so i found that helped, and i came back indoors quite cold and when i got back in bed i was cold, so i snuggled up and fell asleep quite quickly. i didnt have nice dreams last night but at least i got some sleep, thats all that counts.

lately ive been battling with myself over something too. its about my music and my singing. im very destructive of it lately, see, i dont think i have enough talent or have what it takes to succeed, and im going through a huge period of doubt. ive never had anyone believe in me and nobody has ever encouraged me (by that i mean people in my everyday life) so i am just going through a conflicting time right now. maybe it will pass, i dont know, but right now im not sure im good enough to do the one thing in the world i love. and i just dont have the motivation to improve either. i dont like being destructive but its all ive been doing lately. and i wish it would just stop!

take care and thank you for listening, or shall i say reading lol!

simon

[Numbers]

Sorry I forgot to tell you that I did listen to your song and I realy liked it I just forget so many things at the moment Realy sorry about that.

About crying. I know this is going to sound like I'm completly insane but it does help! for me anyways. Realy I don't cry very often, but I know the urge to do it.
When I feel like I'm going to cry and my head hurts from the presure and breathing gets difficult I usually go for a walk, or a run. Even if it's in the middle of the night, and I find a place where noone ever comes, and then I scream and scream and scream until I cry from my throat hurting, and the cold and all the unfairness in the world and every bad thing. I know it sounds completely insane and like probably the worst way of getting the crying out, but just screaming actually does help getting some of all the feeling out and sometimes it just makes me cry and sometimes it makes me laugh at how ridiculous I'm being. In any case it tends to relieve the pressure.

Maybe it would help if you screamed too?

[goldmaiden]

I know what it's like to want to cry but the tears won't come out. Sometimes that's why i cut.

I used to cry when i was upset, now i just kind of feel blank. Or crazy :P

Yeah crazy, i just feel crazy.

Sometimes it's good to cry, because it's a form of expression. But i have to be careful i don't turn everything into a problem just because i'm upset!

keep posting,

Gold

[JustAPixie]

(((((((( Simon ))))))))