[jacq10]

Before i even say anything ... I want to appologize for my lack of posting. It is not because i dont care, i do, but it is simply because i feel like nothing i say is of any value anymore .. and my words would mean nothing. But trust me when i say that i am thinking of each and every one of you.

Now i feel dumb even posting anything ... feel free to ignore this if you dont feel like reading.

I just ... I'm not me anymore. I've turned into this hateful moody irritable sad lonely mopey person who i hate. One minute i feel one thing, and the next, i feel another. Things with my T have been going better .. except she really scared me with some stuff she had to say. we went over our time limit by an hour and 1/2 the other day ... and she thinks that i have some anxiety issues, as well as severe depression .. and some other things that i haven't even accepted so i can't talk about. I just feel so needy and annoying and dumb and i can't take it anymore. I go to bed upset, sleep for maybe 2 hours in total a night .. wake up randomly crying, and then am exhausted all day - which doesn't get me very far with a science courseload. It is simply too much. I miss so badly the people that are important in my life, and i feel as though that part of me that is missing, is stopping me from living my life here .. so i can't even move on. But the hardest part it pretending like things are okay. I dont want anyone here to know anything is wrong ... but its gotten to the point where it takes all of my energy to keep that smile on, and there is no where i can really turn to. I've never been the type to hurt myself ... but i find myself having so much inside me that needs to get out that i've completely skratched and cut up my knuckles with my nails. I dont even know why ... i dont realise i'm doing it.

I'm sorry .. i'm ranting ... and thank you if you've read this far. I guess i just need to get some of what i'm feeling "out there" .. even if i dont hear back from anyone. So thanks for listening if you've got this far .. and if you haven't, well i dont blame you.

[Bethsway]

Jacq...(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))...I know what you mean about not being yourself and hating it...I hope that soon you will be feeling better and back to your old self again...until then we are here to lend an ear anytime!!! You are worth listening to....always!

[Christina86]

((((((((Jacqueline)))))))))

I'm so sorry that things are so bad for you right now - and I know that having to deal with university classes on top of everything is no fun.

Don't feel sorry for not posting - and you are wrong. Your words mean so much - and you've said such nice things to me when I'm down and I'll never forget it. You've made a positive difference to PC whether you know it or not.

Try to talk to your T and tell her what's really "up". She can help - and I hope you can find someone to talk to -- even if its just us. I've only got you all now too.

Take care of yourself - PM me anytime or you can try email (in my profile).

[Taipans]

Hope you feel better, hang in there, better days are to come!

Mark

[pamelasu]

I am so sorry that you are feeling so low. Please take care of yourself. Just know that you are not alone. I have my days like that too, where you just hate yourself for everything. Hang in there it will get better! *hugs*

[FaithisAlive]

I haven't read your story,but when we go through healing periods, it can mean some every low times...much like a rollercoaster... and you will find your way out of this dark time soon.

Hang in there! Faith

[jacq10]

((((everyone))))

Thank you so much for your replies... it is nice to know that i am not completely alone in my thoughts anymore. To be honest though, things haven't really gotten any better, but hopefully with time and rest they will improve.

[Christina86]

((((((((Jacqueline))))))))))

I hope things improve for you soon.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((( jacq )))))))))))

Sending healing vibes hon

[wanting]

It is six in the morning and i have'nt gone to sleep yet so i can sypathise a little with you although there are times i think about the futility of it all ,why just yesterday i was ready to......and then i found this site and today has been better.remember people care and will take the time to read your so called "rantings"i have and i plan to rant a bit my self isnt it why we are here