I hate it!

Okay, I've come to the conclusion that I've got to get better, for the sake of myself, my future, and my education, which is being affected by all of this.

But it's also affecting my relationships too. How I feel about my family, my friends, my new boyfriend. He is a fantastic guy who I love - we're in a long-distance relationship - and he doesn't deserve it, and even though we've been together for all of two, three days, I'm thinking of breaking it off with him. Because I'm not better yet, and I won't be for a while, and he doesn't deserve any of it.

I've no idea if this is the right thing to do. I don't know if anyone can *tell* me if this is the right thing to do or not - it seems like it's one of those things where you ought to know yourself. But I really don't. He's one of the best things to happen to me, and there are times where he makes me feel like I can do anything, but there's always this dark cloud hanging over me and it feels like I need to get better (or even *be* better) before I can commit to anything.

Because otherwise, I'm going to be asking myself - and him - all the time why he's with me, and all of my anxieties about relationships will grow and grow.

To put it simply: argh.

I seriously have no idea what to do.

Have you talked to him about the way you've been feeling? I'd say that's the first step. If you're really happy with this guy then I'd say stay with him. I know our thoughts about ourselves can really affect our thinking about other things, too.

Hang in there.

I'm so tempted to talk to him but I'm scared that once I do, that's it. I can't keep changing my mind. It's not fair on him.

And he knows about my insecurities and my worries about my appearance, and my depression, etc., so I'm hoping he'd be understanding, but I wouldn't blame him if he wasn't.

Try to hang in there. Making decisions when you feel crappy is hard to do. If possible, I think it might be a good idea to just enjoy talking to him and make the big decisions on commitment after your feeling better. I of course don't know how long that will be. But, it sounds like you have been very honest with him about where your at. Besides, you have only known each other for a short time.

Very well put, hopefull--I agree.

{{{lost}}} Hope you reach a decision that you are ok with, at least =)

Take care

So much pressure on youself.... wow, how can you make long term commitments on a 3 day relaionship, or did I mis-read something?? Can't you commit to get to know each other (as friends) for a while? Is it really all or nothing? I'd be unable to decide too....... Lower the stakes a little and give yourselves some breathing room is my hit. What's the rush? I don't get it. But then, I'm an old fogey.

Alice, the best thing you can do for yourself is gather around you a support group. The first people to talk to would be your parents because I'm sure they love you. Perhaps the reason why you have these feelings about how you look etc., is maybe from something you learned when you were young. Shoot it could even be something you heard your parents say about girls/women and their weight or appearance, and not even mean you. But it is very common for young girls to have image problems. Stopping something by yourself can be real tough because without direction you tend to go in circles.

We've been good friends for two years, so it's not as if we haven't known each other all that long. It's just recently developed.

Thanks guys - I'm rereading through your replies now, making sure I understand them. I'm just replying to hillbunnyb at the moment because she was wondering about the three-day thing

x

The more I think about it, the more I think it's the right thing to do. I mean, I'd rather be fantastically good friends with him (if he still wants to be) than be together and have all of my stupid issues and problems affect the relationship. I've lost enthusiasm for so much in my life - family, college, friends. I don't want to lose enthusiasm for this, simply because of the depression. It's not fair on him *at all*.

My main focus is getting better, because everything else is being affected by it.

x

Since you have been friends for quite a while, he knows what he is getting himself into. So, it seems like a good idea to just enjoy the relationship that is developing. Of course your primary focus is getting better. But, I think having a good friend who is willing to really be there for you and maybe even become something more can do a lot of good for a person. So I am hoping that you will try to be open to the possibility of a deeper relationship with him. However, I know that I would have a problem in this area. So, it really is up to you on what you feel capable of at this time.

I had to make the same decision not too long ago, and decided friends was the way to go. Different circumstances, but same idea. I didn't want to be her baggage.

A lot depends on activity level of your friend. If he is ougoing, likes to go clubbing, etc etc he may find himself doing things alone a lot. The woman I kept things on a friendship level with said she loved me but she is also very active and high functioning. My gut told me that I would be a drag on her, or keeping up with her would be an undue stress on me, until/unless I got at least somewhat better. She is now a good friend and we both think the right decision was made. She's seeing someone else romantically who I think is more appropriate than I am right now in my current state and I am happy for her. And I don't have a constellation of expectations over my head. I can set my own pace for myself. And I will have my own intimate relationship when the time is right.

Right now I would rather be surrounded by a lot of people as supportive friends than involved in an intimate relationship that tends to attract a more exclusive and intense focus. Better to be open to and love a lot of people for me, without the fog of intimacy. An intimate relationship is a lot of work. Sometimes it can be just what the doctor ordered, but just as often it can turn into a huge stressor; a claustrophobic rather than an open thing.

My 2 cents. Sounds like your gut is telling you the same thing mine was, although the specifics no doubt differ.

Well, I did it. Over a week ago now, and it all seems okay. He did something that really got on my nerves and it's something that my friend said was "dumping worthy" ANYWAY, but I can see why he did it.

We're still really good friends, and we've got secrets between us that still gives me a smile whenever he refers to them in a text message. Just little things, like a nickname or a joke...we'll always have that.

The thing that sort of annoyed me was when I did it. I didn't want to do it over the phone for fear that one of us might run out of money and the conversation would be cut short. I didn't want to text him, because it just seemed...cruel. So I did it online, because that's where our relationship started, and I can get everything out online rather than bottling up.

So, after I told him everything, he was fine with it. But then he told me that his mother said that if I wanted to speak to her about anything, just give her a call. His mum's a teen counsellor. Which meant she was reading the conversation, and that he was LETTING her. I asked him whether she was reading it, he proceeded to say something to the effect of implying that it's OKAY, and then I questioned him about it. I presumed she must have left after that, because I think he knew I was getting annoyed. I've no idea if I had any right to be, but I was.

He admitted that he wouldn't have known what to say had his mother not been there. It's just...he's told me things about him - medical, private things - and it's like me asking my mother or my grandmother for an opinion on the subject, and them reading the conversation.