Depressed and feel hopeless

Hey Guys! I'm back again! Most of you know the story about Jake. I feel hopeless and depressed. I am going through a lot for a 20 year old. On August 7th 2013, was the best night of my life. I was with Jake and I had so much fun! I loved his energy, being around him, how funn he was. The night was exceptional! And it was because of Jake. Then the next day August 8th, I get a frantic call from Jake saying that Mikey died. Mikey use to work for my dad, and he was the only person I called my friend. Mikey is such a sweet caring person, and I had a massive crush on him, but we kinda feel out of touch cause he got a girlfriend, a new job, and a baby. He died at the age of 23 of a Heroin Overdose.

How could it be? Such a beautiful night the night before, and then I get devastating news.

My depression filtered me and I thought it filtered Jake. A month later Jake contacts me and says how much he likes Natalie and how he thinks it's going to lead to dating. Natalie was Mikey's girlfriend. I said "It seems too soon" Jake seemed very cold about Mikey saying "It was his choice! He stuck the needle in his arm" "They would still be together if he would kick the habit, and he obviously didn't care about his daughter enough to stay clean" I was shocked and I am thinking how dare you?

Meanwhile, he is saying all of that, but yet he does Cocaine, and is a functioning alcoholic.

Then September 21st, 2013 my grandfather dies. Another devastating, unfair death. My grandfather wasn't old enough to die IMO. He was only 78. And such a beautiful person as well. As you can tell I am in a deep, dark, lonely, hollow hole...that I feel I can't climb out of.

In October, Jake started his jealousy crap again. My dad said that I liked this guy Jeromy, and Jake said "WHAT? She is way too hot for him and way too good for him!" "If those two date I will never speak to her again!" Meanwhile he is telling everyone that he is dating Natalie. And then a couple of days later he lies to my dad and said that WE have been dating the past 3 months. My dad was angry and thought that was true.

I found out that Jake and Natalie have been having sex even when Mikey was alive! The grimey pig was cheating on him with Jake. And Jake is a piece of **** as well. I hate that I go back and forth though. Like one minute I hate him, then I don't. I care, then I don't. He denies having sex and dating Natalie to me and me only when he tells everyone else that she is his girlfriend.

Jake hasn't talked to me, but how him and Natalie are going about this, is very cold. They think Mikey is a piece of ****, basically. I am crying so much. I can't get over the death of my friend, and my grandfather. And what's funny is that Natalie trapped Mikey with a baby, but yet the nasty ***** cheats on him? WOW! I feel so guilty, like why didn't I try to help him?

I miss my friend so much, and I wish I could've done something. He is around nothing but trash. I would've expanded his mind, and he probably would've been clean if I were involved, cause all he is around is inadequate, incompetent people. They don't know anything about emotions, or life for that matter. They are like cavemen, and are barbaric. I feel so alone. I saw Jake for who he really is. He is messing with my head again, and I get handle this. Like why does he deny Natalie to me but admits it to everyone else? Why does he care so much who I go out with? I hate this.

Please help..I need input. I am all over the place, and I feel so alone. I miss my friend and my grandfather so much.

I'm sorry about your grandfather. I know it was such a sad loss for you. I was close to my grandfather when I was young, too, and he was78 when he died. It broke my heart. I will say it gets easier with time, I still miss him but mainly remember the good times.

As far as Jake in concerned you need to get over him. He has hurt you over and over. Not to mention he has lied to you many times. You can do better.

I'm sorry about your friend Mikey. Sounds like he was a nice guy with a bad habit.

You will have to mourn all of these relationships. Is there anyway you could get counseling to help you through the grief process? I hope so because it's not easy, especially, with all you have going. Best wishes.

Hello Brunette,

Sorry to hear that life has been dumping on you. I do not have any magic words that will make your pain disappear...... sorry.

But here is my thoughts after reading your post... (ignore the order of my comments)

- I abhor drug use. I hate, hate, hate it. It is so incredibly stupid. If you need to get high.... get drunk. It is LEGAL and people are not murdered daily because of beer smuggling. I know pro-drug people will want to crucify me - but there is NEVER a good reason for drug abuse (IMO).

- Your "friend" who is sleeping around is a pile of dog poo.... I agree. If I were in your shoes - I would never talk to him again. And if anyone mentioned his name to myself - I would bluntly tell them that you do not associate with him due to his immoral actions. (no further discussion should ever occur).

- Your grandpa... Ouch and hugs to you. I know it hurts. It hurts very bad. I suppose it is supposed to hurt. If it didn't hurt - then (I guess) that person did not mean much to you....
78 is not a bad age to go. I know you didn't like it. But he did live a long life. Personally I do not want to be around at that age. I am heaven bound and I am very open to going anytime He will take me.

I hope that was not too preachy. And I really do feel for you - your pain is real and deep. They say time heals all wounds. Personally, I think that is crap - but time does soften it some.......

Hey BrunetteBabe, sorry to hear about your losses. Time heals all wounds. Forget about this Jake dude, and this Natalie girl and focus all your energy on you or something positive besides them! The only way to get over somebody is to find someone better! Stay active and involved with something like work or school or sports or a hobby. Try to get your mind off your mind if that makes sense! Distraction is the key!! Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to!! Best of luck!!

gayleggg Thank you so much for your condolences, and for your support! I just wish I could move on from Jake, but I think what my problem is I can't let go of the "happy times" cause he brought me out of my depression and made my life fulfilling even though there were red flags of his behavior I overlooked it cause of my desperation for friends, and because I was having so much fun with him.

But then I think about Mikey, and how unfair it was for him to die in such a tragic way. Mikey was trapped with a baby, whom he adored and love very much, but because of his baby is why he didn't split with Natalie. Cause Mikey grew up with separated parents and he didn't want to do that to his baby. So instead of helping his situation he numbed his situation. It's like if she is going to trap him, then at least be loyal...but no! She goes and sleeps with his best friend, while he was alive and with her. That is just disgusting! Both her and Jake! But I am so torn and distraught.

Then I think about my grandfather and how loving and beautiful he was. Not one bad thing I could say about him, but he didn't deserve to die in such a tragic way too! The doctors misdiagnosed him, and said he was fine, when there was something wrong with his breathing and his heart, but the doctors kept on saying it was nothing basically, and my poor grandfather had to suffer with shallow breathing and chest pains, and then he died unexpectedly. It just one tragic thing after another, and I don't know how to deal.

I just keep thinking about all of this. Jake and Natalie seem to be happy, and cold about Mikey's death or something. Jake was crying at the funeral, and he seemed really depressed, but it all was a lie, and I believed it and it makes me sick! He manipulated me into thinking he was really devastated when he clearly was not.

Sorry, I just keep on ranting! I am just so hopeless and depressed, and I feel played. I feel so hurt too. Thanks again for your support!

Thank you so much! I do agree! I hate drug use and I hate Heroin. I don't believe that saying either "Time heals all wounds" I believe that time makes it different, but definitely doesn't heal. I actually feel like time is making me worse. The reality is setting in that I will never see my grandfather, and Mikey again. It's a disturbing thought, that I seem to dwell deeper in. I can't find any hope, and I just feel so down. No more happy times with Jake, No more Mikey, No more Grandpa. I am not religious so I cant even find comfort in God. (Please I mean no offense when I say this, I really hope I don't offend anyone) I wish I was religious cause maybe then I would find solace in knowing that my grandfather and Mikey are in heaven, but I really don't know so I cant make that judgement, and because I don't know....that makes it harder for me to move on.

I appreciate your answer, and like I said I hope I didn't offend anyone when I said I am not religious. I just feel so lonely, and weak. I don't care if I go on living anymore. I feel like I had my heart ripped in half. I still cant believe that I was having such a good time, the night before and then Mikey dies the next day. I cant go to a baseball game now and I don't think I ever will cause I look at it as bad luck now.

I just wish none of this happened, and that everything was ok. If I could die to bring back my grandfather and Mikey I would do it! I feel like they have more of a purpose to be here than I do. And I just want them back.

Sorry, I am just so depressed. I feel so weak.

Thank you so much vans1974! I appreciate your support very much. I appreciate your advice as well. I try really hard to get my mind off of things, but it never seems to work. I think about my grandfather and Mikey DURING my outings, and I even went to parties and hung out with my cousins and they kept me busy, but I still was thinking about them, and I was thinking about Jake. It seems that nothing seems to help, and that scares me. I hate feeling this way, and I just want them back. I want Jake back too believe it or not, the Jake that brought me out of my depression and brought happiness into my boring life....I want that Jake back. But I won't get that, and I won't have any of them back. I wish there really was a grim reaper, haha! I would bargain my life, to have My Grandfather and Mikey back. I feel like there never was a purpose for me and I feel like life is meaningless. I am hurt and sad, and I don't know how to deal.

Thanks again for your support and your condolences! I greatly appreciate it!