[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by Ganymede00

I'm feeling overwhelmed but apathetic at the same time. Since I don't see things working out in the long run with my current T, I searched for new ones and have narrowed it down to 4. I'm avoiding contacting any of them just cause I don't want anymore disappointment if things don't work out .

For anyone knowledgeable in the area of psychotherapy: Would it be weird to ask any potential therapist if they can arrange a free (but brief) consultation to see if they would be a good fit for me? I know 2 of my potential therapist offer something like that but I'm not sure of the other two. And I really don't have money to waste for a full initial session, especially if things don't work out.

I don't know that I'm all that knowledgeable regarding psychotherapy, but IMO if you don't have money to waste then I think it would be an excellent idea to ask if they can arrange a free consultation. I wish all therapists offered this, but unfortunately not all of them do. Good luck.

[seeminglyreal]

Gathering the courage to finally tell my mom about my depression today. I really can't stand my own irritability and mood swings. She keeps asking me what's wrong, why I am like this, if I am unhappy... and I always just laugh it off not to worry her. Well, not today. I need help and I believe my mom is willing to seek with me for any help I might need.

Still no word from the employer who said they'd let me know either way if I got the job. Frustrating! I did leave a voicemail for the office manager yesterday inquiring as to what the status is. No return call. I guess I'll just keep waiting and wondering. Talk to my T this afternoon. Not sure what the topic will be. Probably my return to deeper depression on Sunday (fear, more like it) but bouncing back by yesterday.

[Bark]

Depression has been lingering around all day today. I slept really early and had to drag myself out of bed. Right now I don't feel like studying... the thoughts won't go away. It's too early to sleep. Maybe I'll just listen to music.

I feel like I'm drifting towards a bad state. Not there yet; thoughts aren't unbearable yet.

I don't know. I'll just shut up now.

Originally Posted by Raggedy Man

I'm back. It has been an exhausting couple of days. I finally made it to my doctors appointment yesterday. I was a wreck. I couldn't talk without stuttering and was really fidgety and was tearing up. She asked me if I had thoughts of hurting myself, I answered honestly and she debated whether or not to have me hospitalized. I finally convinced her that I would not act on it... any time soon. She sent me home with meds and wants to see me again in two weeks. She is also going to refer me to a psychologist. She believes I am bipolar as well as what I already know. I hadn't really ever considered that a possibility, but after reading some of the information she gave me I think it is a distinct possibility.

I guess I feel better just knowing that the doctor is trying to help me. My stomach is all in knots right now and I feel really afraid. I don't know what I am afraid of, but I'm just irrationally afraid... I guess of living.? Does that even make sense? I'm hoping that the medicines start working pretty quickly. I'm having a hard time coping. I'm sorry this status is probably all over the place, but I can't think clearly right now or focus on any one thing.

Anyway, I guess it is good to be home and on my couch. Oh yea, what can I say to my wife? She keeps wanting to help and she means well, I think she feels guilty in some way because I am suffering, but it isn't her fault. I just can't seem to make her understand that there is nothing she can do for me right now and it's not her fault.

Well. I will shut up for now because I doubt any of this makes any sense.

ADDED: Oh yea, the doctor saw where I had been cutting on my arm... that was NOT good!

Raggedy Man, I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, and I hope the medication will kick in soon for you. I understand completely what you mean by an "irrational fear" of living accompanying your depression. That's exactly what happens to me - - an overall feeling of fear of the world. You're not alone in that, if that helps any.

[tokiwartooth]

I'm ok, at least it's not snowing and the temperature isn't too bad right now.

[avlady]

I also have a hard time getting going for the day in the morning. I drag myself into the shower do housework when i feel enough energy and not too depressed to do it.

[herethennow]

i'm still doing okay. been tracking my moods lately using a tracker and its been going up.

an up: i'm so excited to finally get a new phone. it's gonna come next week! i can finally send a text when it comes; its just so frustrating to not be able to reply texts! all i can do is use the data texts (eg line, viber, whatsapp) and there was this instance my friend was having a crisis and sending suicide threats through texts and i was in class and i couldnt call, and worse off i can't text him at all! hopefully with this phone it would all be resolved.

[StarStrike]

Slept through breakfast. Woke up to my dog slobbering on my hand. Felt like I hadn't slept. Grabbed a bottle of cola out of the fridge to go with my lunch. I spent twenty minutes grappling with the bottle before noticing the blister on my finger. Ate lunch without anything to drink. Went to college in the afternoon. My worst nightmare of a maths lesson. Measurements. I looked at the measuring tape and the numbers jumped out at me. I couldn't understand it, no matter how hard I looked at it. I had so much help in that lesson... If you gave me a tape measure now and asked me to measure the height of a chair, I wouldn't be able to do it. I came home to bills warnings despite the fact that they've already been paid. Popped the blister to re-leave the pressure on my finger. Got really tempted to hurt myself more severely than I normally would so I took the dog out and just kept on walking. I ended up on the side of the motorway when it started raining heavily. So I headed home. I got soaked to the skin. I still want to hurt myself.

[Raggedy Man]

Originally Posted by StarStrike

Slept through breakfast. Woke up to my dog slobbering on my hand. Felt like I hadn't slept. Grabbed a bottle of cola out of the fridge to go with my lunch. I spent twenty minutes grappling with the bottle before noticing the blister on my finger. Ate lunch without anything to drink. Went to college in the afternoon. My worst nightmare of a maths lesson. Measurements. I looked at the measuring tape and the numbers jumped out at me. I couldn't understand it, no matter how hard I looked at it. I had so much help in that lesson... If you gave me a tape measure now and asked me to measure the height of a chair, I wouldn't be able to do it. I came home to bills warnings despite the fact that they've already been paid. Popped the blister to re-leave the pressure on my finger. Got really tempted to hurt myself more severely than I normally would so I took the dog out and just kept on walking. I ended up on the side of the motorway when it started raining heavily. So I headed home. I got soaked to the skin. I still want to hurt myself.

StarStrike, I hope you didn't/don't hurt yourself. I understand the feeling, I am feeling very much the same way right now. But it's easier for me to ask you not to hurt yourself than to convince myself that I shouldn't. I know, it doesn't make sense. Why should anyone listen to me? It is just because I can see the value in others, but not in myself.

Anyway, I don't want you to hurt yourself, because you have been a friend to me and you deserve better. Treat yourself to a nice cup of tea to warm up from the rain. Maybe try reading a good book. I love reading when I can, right now, I can't focus enough to. Anyway, do something nice for yourself and try to have a better day.

I've been okay since the weekend. Just breezing along.

[Rose76]

I'm in a decent place at the moment.

[healingme4me]

Up(well as far up, as someone like me gets),
So, had this interesting discussion earlier. And then SAW the STRANGEST thing, which TIES into said discussion. So, later, when the person I was having such a discussion with gets home, conversation shall continue.

See, it had a bit of an intriguing ATTACHMENT flare to it(so you know, most certainly not involving any flowers ) & since it was raised, not by me, but I gave a small analysis, along with background Dorothy type experience to the mix...

Haha, muahahahaha...

Down, my recycling bins were ruined by curb plow, c'est la vie...

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[Jolisse]

I'm miserable today, snowing and cold. Being stuck inside gives me more time to think, thinking too much is always bad for me.

[mulan]

When emptiness comes it comes in 2 ways, empty head and empty feelings. Had moments when I cried and wish I wasn't alive, this isn't normal on me but I'm finding my life much more useless. Some hours ago I was almost believing I was an allien. I'm so diferent from anybody. People are here because they want to talk and they care about the others, I don't care about any of those things. I don't even understand why I don't make friends.
I think I am so diferent also because I have strange diseases (small ones even so) that no one has, that doctors can't find an explanation to, or diseases that meds don't work. It seems like. Anything work on me, even the retinoid I have for my acne...bah. and on the top of it I'm realizing that I'm more and more dumb. And yes antidepressants don't work on me either.
I don't have friends here too or really cared about someone here too. I'm just. Weird.

Had a fairly successful day. I'm feeling inbetween now that I've dropped one of my classes. Battling feelings of incapability and uselessness but meh, I'm handling it so far. Maybe now I can finally work on my personal projects that have been waiting forever (but they rarely get done without deadline ugh)

I'm exhausted, always, I jsut want a good sleep, I really want a good sleep... that doesn't involve me having to take more medication, but that doesn't even work. I had my seroquel upped and its not working....I hate being this way, too tired and sore to get anything done, and I'm tired of being a mother. I know that sounds awful, but my son is not independent enough and I have to do everything, and I mean everything for him. He has learning disabilities and I have had him mostly 24 7, for years now... I sound selfish and like a bad mother, but I wasn't born with the capability to raise 2 kids. I can't even look after my own things. Some women just are good at everything, I'm not one of them

[smmath]

I am starting to feel depressed, and I hate it. I want to crawl in a ball and never get up.

[Hellion]

To be entirely honest I feel kind of horrible...and can't quite figure out why.

[smmath]

Originally Posted by Hellion

To be entirely honest I feel kind of horrible...and can't quite figure out why.

Did something happen recently?

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by smmath

Did something happen recently?

Not really...I've been kinda stressed about appealing for SSI and the upcoming hearing. But I was holding up kind of alright, and now all the sudden its like I am falling into a deep pit of depression.

Not sure what to do if I still feel like this tomorrow...I will probably go to bed soon and try to get some rest as I didn't exactly sleep last night and see if that helps any. It just usually doesn't hit me so suddenly...so this is weird or maybe its been building up and I just haven't realized.

[IcryWhoAmI]

I can't be bothered with life. I just have no energy for it.

[regretful]

The depression is concealed under a very thin veneer of anxiety; doc cut my lexapro in half, and prescribed ambien for sleep. I am very concerned about my well-being and don't know how much more that I can take.

[tokiwartooth]

It's cold again today, but at least it's not snowing. It's supposed to start again Sunday and next week...

Aaaaaaaargh!!!!