Had a really down day yesterday -- first day in a few weeks. It surprised me that I could feel so desperate and low again after I thought I was making progress. I think I was freaking out about the possibility of not having enough mental/physical stamina to work this full-time job (if I even get it). Why I worry about things that haven't happened yet, and may never, is beyond me. So counter-productive.

Today I feel better again - - confident and very much wanting to work. Yesterday was just a disappointment because I felt like I was taking a step backwards emotionally.

[regretful]

Though I am back in my office, I'm paralyzed by depression and fear. It may seem irrational, but the depression makes it all seem so real. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach and I cannot shake it.

Need to force myself to get up and eat this morning, was running late, stupid laundry machines were all full last night, stupid me for leaving the wash until Sun night lol
My son got off to school, got the laundry going now this morning, just no desire or ambition

[dandylin]

Doing well for two weeks now. After 3 months of the pit of darkness, it really feels good to want to engage with the world.

[dandylin]

Originally Posted by newgal2

Had a really down day yesterday -- first day in a few weeks. It surprised me that I could feel so desperate and low again after I thought I was making progress. I think I was freaking out about the possibility of not having enough mental/physical stamina to work this full-time job (if I even get it). Why I worry about things that haven't happened yet, and may never, is beyond me. So counter-productive.

Today I feel better again - - confident and very much wanting to work. Yesterday was just a disappointment because I felt like I was taking a step backwards emotionally.

I hope your week continues going up

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by TerryL

i was just thinking today i wish one day we could all be open with how we are really feeling instead of feeling that we have to put on a happy face. i do that and i wish i had the courage to just be me.

[seeminglyreal]

Sad. I'm isolating myself from the world since everything I see only makes me feel worse about myself, so what's the point on trying to be sociable anyway?

[StarStrike]

Only had an hour of sleep last night. When the alarm clock went off I turned it off before throwing it. I fell in the shower this morning. I nearly fell asleep on the bus. I came home exhausted, but I knew if I didn't walk the dog, my brother wouldn't try to convince my dad to get her microchip information updated. She needs it updating. If she gets out with false information, I might never see her again. I don't think I could take it if I lost her.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by StarStrike

Only had an hour of sleep last night. When the alarm clock went off I turned it off before throwing it. I fell in the shower this morning. I nearly fell asleep on the bus. I came home exhausted, but I knew if I didn't walk the dog, my brother wouldn't try to convince my dad to get her microchip information updated. She needs it updating. If she gets out with false information, I might never see her again. I don't think I could take it if I lost her.

Make sure she wears a collar with the correct current info on it. I failed to do that, once, and spent two days in agony looking for a lost dog. (I did get her back, but it took longer without the collar and tags.)

[Nammu]

Still here in MN. Snow in Iowa, now in Ok, MO has winter storms. I thought I would be home by today so I didn't send a rent check, today if had to overnight it. Ouch! But it is still less costly than late fines!

[mulan]

I did it through the day, it was a very exausting one. As usual I'm the quiet. The people who are with me are so proactive, and around them I feel a disaster, but as I always did I'm trying. I can't move a finger because how tired I am and it looks like I did less them anyone else. I hate the part too when they all now the answears and I am always saying stupid things. Trying to blame depression, not me, trying to blame depression for not let me to have something to say. I try my best to speak and chat, but it's hard. It's not that I don't like the experience of pratical classes, but any way it is just a matter of time for me to be on the ground. I hope not. TIRED, TIRED, TIRED.

And good night for everyone who hadl read this...I don't know what time it is in your country right know, but surely it has passed my sleepy time. Sweet dreams.

[tigerlily84]

Ups: I saw my friend at work. I usually work the mornings and he works the evenings, so it was nice to see him.

Downs: On the drive to work I became very anxious. The anxiety only increased until I got to my desk. This is my norm. I don't truly relax until I get home. I thought that maybe being on medication would alleviate it, but nothing so far. I haven't been on this medication that long, so I suppose I'll have to wait and see. I'm definitely going to tell my doctor when I see her next week.

[sunsetsunrise]

Today has so far been better. I talked for 1 1/2 hours with my brother's widow. that was very painful and challenging. But I am so grateful that I got to talk with her. Then I went to the herb shop. The pain was so great. I know the herbalist there. So I talked with her for a few minutes. By the time I got to the card shop to buy the valentines, the pain was waning. THEN I bought chips and got to eat them with cheese when Igot home. This calmed me down even more. I do believe that these foods somehow ground me. Watched TV. I am hoping that the pain will stay low for the rest of tonight. Worried about my mother and sister in law.
.

Today wasn't very good. I started feeling sick yesterday night and then spent the whole day in bed in a daze of sickness and fever. I'm finally feeling a little better but now I have to catch up with classes and I'm still kind of foggy and sad about it all. Ugh

[SadPam]

This Friday is my last day of work - I've been laid off again - third time since 2007. Had an interview with a recruiter via Skype this morning; her comments about the prospective employer set off red flags and I'm terrified I will accept whatever job offer I can get out of desperation. Saw my T and cried the whole hour; she told me she wasn't going to allow me to pay her to join my pity party. I'm frustrated with her as she doesn't get that going back to school to learn a new skill is pointless when 50% of degreed people are underemployed in today's market! So I feel my options are very limited and I'm angry about being let go again and I'm tired, so tired, of a job defining my life.

I will never get how people "love life", I think it's painful and difficult and unrewarding and empty; mine is, anyway.

I hate myself.

[herethennow]

feeling okay.

and for the first time in ages im hungry!!

[Rose76]

Got my house straightened out yesterday. I feel much better. Really getting in the groove now.

Kinda feeling numb today. Still waiting for that call from the prospective employer or rejection letter. The waiting/unknown is killing me!

[nakitakunai]

Last night I finally opened up to my mom about my depression, and today I made an appointment to see a doctor about it (I had felt discouraged for weeks after having to cancel the first one I made due to ridiculous amounts of snow in my area, and I hadn't even attempted to reschedule one until now). I am just SO ready to regain control and start turning my life around.

[qtpiwitch]

Ok so i'm really new at this but this does seem like a really great tool. I'm all alone and i don't really have anyone to talk to who is bi-polar. i have so much going on in my life i feel so overwhelmed and then you throw my moods in with it. i feel crazy most of the time. why do i try to do everything? why can't i be happy. will this ever get any easier??

[regretful]

Jittery from the esticalopram (lexapro) and very worried today for no apparent reason. As depression evolves into anxiety, then back to depression, I am left wondering if I will ever get any better...on a positive note, I have not had a drink in over two months...

[StarStrike]

Today in college we were learning about discrimination. We were watching a video on it that displayed several types of discrimination. Then it turned onto mental health... Depression to be precise. The character was opening up to his friends about his depression and seeing a councilor. One of them turned to him and said. "What have you got to be depressed about?" Those words made my heart sink because I've heard them before from my own father. I managed to hold it together despite feeling like crying. I still feel like crying. I've had enough of this. All I do is have one mental breakdown after another. How long will it be until I do something stupid? It can't be much longer... Especially since my own family discriminate against me and everything bad is always my fault somehow. I'm just a burden to my older brother... No one ever told me that life would be this hard. But it is...

[Raggedy Man]

I'm back. It has been an exhausting couple of days. I finally made it to my doctors appointment yesterday. I was a wreck. I couldn't talk without stuttering and was really fidgety and was tearing up. She asked me if I had thoughts of hurting myself, I answered honestly and she debated whether or not to have me hospitalized. I finally convinced her that I would not act on it... any time soon. She sent me home with meds and wants to see me again in two weeks. She is also going to refer me to a psychologist. She believes I am bipolar as well as what I already know. I hadn't really ever considered that a possibility, but after reading some of the information she gave me I think it is a distinct possibility.

I guess I feel better just knowing that the doctor is trying to help me. My stomach is all in knots right now and I feel really afraid. I don't know what I am afraid of, but I'm just irrationally afraid... I guess of living.? Does that even make sense? I'm hoping that the medicines start working pretty quickly. I'm having a hard time coping. I'm sorry this status is probably all over the place, but I can't think clearly right now or focus on any one thing.

Anyway, I guess it is good to be home and on my couch. Oh yea, what can I say to my wife? She keeps wanting to help and she means well, I think she feels guilty in some way because I am suffering, but it isn't her fault. I just can't seem to make her understand that there is nothing she can do for me right now and it's not her fault.

Well. I will shut up for now because I doubt any of this makes any sense.

ADDED: Oh yea, the doctor saw where I had been cutting on my arm... that was NOT good!

I'm doing Okay

Just have to know for sure, that my plans to meet someone this weekend are a good idea.
I want to fall in love, but this is an online thing, and how do you know you can trust a person you've only met online?

I am exhausted though, and likely because I'm not eating right. I don't have a lot of pain, but I feel tired, and not sleeping or napping so its getting to me.
UPs, I'm going to go eat a hard boiled egg, cause I'm hungry after thinking about food...

[Ganymede00]

I'm feeling overwhelmed but apathetic at the same time. Since I don't see things working out in the long run with my current T, I searched for new ones and have narrowed it down to 4. I'm avoiding contacting any of them just cause I don't want anymore disappointment if things don't work out .

For anyone knowledgeable in the area of psychotherapy: Would it be weird to ask any potential therapist if they can arrange a free (but brief) consultation to see if they would be a good fit for me? I know 2 of my potential therapist offer something like that but I'm not sure of the other two. And I really don't have money to waste for a full initial session, especially if things don't work out.