[actor]

Very bad today. It is 4:15 AM in California. Back to work today. Anxiety and depression have escalated. I hope I can get through the day. All I want to do is sleep. Forever.

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[herethennow]

upon reaching home from work today i was in shambles... in a wreck.. started crying (which is kinda good since i havent been able to cry) and the racing negative thoughts never seemed to stop.. that "i was useless, i'm the one to blame, i should go" kinda thing. is starting to si again and sui thoughts are on a rampage. pdoc + T is a long time away and i don't want to see them again for anytime soon. never.

it all boils down to this, huh? either i'm feeling confused, or feeling super down? never okay...

Have a job interview in about 2 hours, and surprisingly my nervousness is not too bad. It's all the crap that I have to do AFTER the interview that I'm worried about getting done (pharmacy, grocery store, cooking). Not sure if I'll go to the AA meeting today with the other stuff I have to get done.

[recentdiscovery]

Have Depression Treatment Class today, looking forward to it since it always seems to help. Recovering from a terrible time yesterday, just feel kind of numb today, maybe more emotion than my brain could handle for a while, not sure.

So much to do at work and I could care less, I should get to it though and help get my mind off my life for a minute. Working on acceptance but having a hard time with it.

[nakitakunai]

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and I'm feeling better than usual today. I'm even thinking about exercising and starting on the dirty dishes that have been piling up for weeks. And, I finally heard back from my friend I texted yesterday, and we made plans for later this week, so all is forgiven!

[Imc56]

Doing better this week. In sunny so. CA instead of cold and snowy Illinois. Actually getting out and doing things instead if sitting in house. What a difference it makes in my mood. Have 6 more days until back to the cold.

[Gigabyte]

I'm feeling motivated today, trying to find something to apply it to before it wears off.

[Bark]

Anxious. Have an exam tomorrow, a date I set. Haven't finished the readings which I haven't even read once already. Either I procrastinate and put it off, or I sit down and try and read but get distracted by anything or can't focus and the words don't sink in.... Stressing out and feel like giving up. I shouldn't.

Going to have to start therapy from scratch... again....

Not depressed, don't think. So that's a plus.

Up, up, and away.
Don't have any downs and don't see any heading my way.

[Viuam]

I am losing it. I just woke up and wish I hadn't. I can't do this anymore. I have two ways to go, and if I gather the courage I can end this horrible pain. I'm just so tired of being a loser in every way. Thank you guys for talking to me and understanding when no one else could. Thank you for helping yourselves and each other.

[Rose76]

I am losing hope that the future holds anything for me except sadness and loneliness and failing health. I am very depressed.

[sunsetsunrise]

Trying to find a therapist with my medicare insurance is not easy in my area. All of the therapists I have found who I could work with have masters in psychology. Medicare does not cover that. None of the ones so far that they do cover are people who i would feel good working with. Wont go into reasons here.

Because of the grieving and fear of when the next person will die ( logical fear considering age of the next person) the circumstances are quite intense. Especially considering I am so alone. So it seems I am sinking further each day. Each day I wake and find I have lost more ground in the hope dept.

Originally Posted by sunsetsunrise

Trying to find a therapist with my medicare insurance is not easy in my area. All of the therapists I have found who I could work with have masters in psychology. Medicare does not cover that. None of the ones so far that they do cover are people who i would feel good working with. Wont go into reasons here.

Not sure how close you are to a university, but there is the possibility that people working towards their Masters or PhD offer counselling that is little to no cost. It's worth looking into.

[Fuzzybear]

[mulan]

Having a rough couple of days. I just want to stop my thoughts and at the same time it seems that I want to understand the whole or world at once. Well my day gives me a lot to think about, an embarassing, real stressful one. I tend to speak to much when I am stressed. I'm just to tired. Not bad thoughts indeed, rational ones. Just getting rationally to the conclusion that a person that has so much imagination and pretended and pretend as much as I do, and that antecipates other people reactions as I do must have some skills in get herself in other people shoes.Even this makes my life somehow crappy. my 'little' one still has some arguments to refute this. just going through some people intections, needs personality and so one. I got to many things this days. I wish I knew how to stop my mind. and get real too.

[mulan]

Just a random random thought. Today I feel more a less like will from hannibal, the tv series. I am right know admiring my parents because of everything they had to face and what they are now. I can't hate them or still dislike them. I just saw how both of them need me. And I felt sad imagine what my father felt when he lost is brother. I never saw him cry until some weeks ago when he was telling me how he was. It was kinda weird. Just because I said him that his brother was unique. I wish none of them finds out that I have been sharing them.

[regretful]

Waiting for the next in the line of medications to start doing something...anything; and I'm giving pastoral counseling a try. I sure hope that there is an end to this depression...

I'm feeling hopeful

[StarStrike]

Had no sleep at all last night. Being a woman sucks. Last night I felt like I was dying and it was just period pain. Then at four in the morning I raced into the bathroom and was physically sick. I can't take ibuprofen or paracetamol because I end up being physically sick after taking them. I'm not eating, but I am drinking water to stay hydrated. I feel so run down. I'm going to attempt to take a nap later on. Don't know if I'll sleep though. I wish I could have gotten spayed like my dog did. I called in sick because I cannot handle college today.

[herethennow]

Not too good today... just managing though. I'm just going to tough through this down period on my own.. It's not like I don't want to go back to my pdoc and T; it's just me scolding myself to not do so because (slippery slope here) I would be overdependent on them..

My job interview went well yesterday and my would-be supervisor whom I interviewed with said it seemed I would be a good fit. She and the other gal I spoke to seemed really nice. I think that goes a long way in job satisfaction (getting along well with your co-workers). I'll know later this week or early next week. When I came home, I got a call from a staffing agency saying that a bank wanted to do a phone interview with me. It would only be a few-month job, but I could try to talk my way into a permanent position. Yesterday I was in a good mood because of the positives/potential on the job front and the fact that I also got a lot accomplished. Today I'm waiting by the phone and trying to kill time. Life really isn't as horrible as I thought it was on Monday.

[regretful]

I do wish that this would get better sometime soon...I'm despondent and depressed and that is not a good mixture for me or my family. I love them so much...I wish I could fix this...

[Viuam]

Hi. In the hospital after doing something pretty stupid. I'm sorry if my previous post triggered anyone, I obviously was not ok. Fortunately security protocols here are pretty lax so I still have my Ipad and can post. I am ok. I don't know what is going to happen to me in the near future, and I don't know how to move forward. Will get a visit from my therapist today, and will probably go home tomorrow. Mental institutions here are famously dantesque, so I don't think that will be an option. We'll see...

Coming to some conclusions today.

I don't like what I'm discovering.

[mulan]

Terrific...