[it_will_get_better]

Hi there. I am a new member, and could do with some support. I have only very recently been strong enough to admit to myself that I have a big mental health problem. This has been going on for years but until now I have been able to put up a facade and hide my symptoms from the world around me. I have now reached the point where I can't go on like this. I feel I will have a mental breakdown if I don't do something about it now.

I've compiled a list of my main MH worries:

a) depression; feeling paralysed and suffocated
b) inability to concentrate at work/do my job
c) sleeplessness, constant tiredness
d) acute loneliness
e) no motivation to do anything/feeling lethargic

Today I have been to see a doctor at my GP practice (I live in England). I was in tears the whole time. She was lovely though. She prescribed me a medicine called Fluoxetine. I am very anxious to start taking this. The side effects sound awful. I will be assessed by the mental health team in three weeks time, which sounds an awful long time.

I am not sure what the etiquette is on these forums, but I think I would like to keep this thread going as a kind of open diary. I feel it will be helpful while I am coming to terms with the depression etc.

Thanks for reading, and I'm looking forward to interacting with people on here.

Liz

[gayleggg]

Just to let you know, I take Fluoxetine and the only problem I've had is trouble staying asleep, but I'm not sure it is from the med or anxiety. Otherwise, I am having really good results after trying many meds and not getting any relief from my depression. So I am pleased with taking it at this point. Good luck to you. Hope you feel better soon.

[manwithnofriends]

Welcome to PC.

It's nice to hear that your doctor's been supportive. Every doctor should be able to understand mental health problems. They are no laughing matter anymore.

(P.S. I have a vote of no confidence on prescription drugs used to treat mental illnesses. There is much evidence that suggests therapy is a lot more effective. So if you feel any side-effects from the drug you are given, stop taking it immediately.)

[Pierro]

welcome to PC, I am glad that you are getting the treatment you need and deserve. There is no magic pill. I would love to tell you there is but there is not. Some people find both therapy and/ or psych meds really help. You will find your own way. One of the best things for me is the people on PC, they are so helpfull and understanding. Best wishes and keep posting

[it_will_get_better]

Thanks everyone. It feels good to be able to open up in a place where people know what it feels like to be depressed.

Differing opinions on meds there. I am not sure if taking them is a good idea but I am going to give them a try. If after 2 months or so there is no effect, or the side effects outweigh the positives I'm going stop again. I'm quite worried about the sleep thing as I am a talented insomniac anyway. But then I survived three months on a very high dose of steroids a few years back where I virtually didn't sleep at all.

I am also hoping to start therapy. There are some self destructive behaviours that if I am honest I have displayed for many, many years. They need addressing. I know nothing about therapy at the moment. CBT seems to be popular for depression? Will have to do some research.

Off to bed in a minute. I'm still feeling low but I'm also feeling like I have made progress today by seeking help.

[mindfulstew]

Hi Liz, I'm Mary. I'm new here too.

Congratulations on making one of the biggest and best steps in your life. I know that sounds silly and overly positive. But admitting what you're going through to someone is like opening your window just a tiny bit. That caring response that you received and the medication are like a tiny bit of fresh air. You will probably find that this is the beginning of a long journey to open all the windows and feel more alive.

I'm not saying the issues will go away, but I have found that being honest about them and seeking help is life-affirming and comforting. It's better than hiding.

I started this journey the way that you did -with my GP trying a medication. That one ended up not working (stomach SICK!), so I tried another (JITTERS!). At that point, he suggested I see a psychiatrist, which is a really good idea. They know the medications and side effects very well. They also know what to expect if you need to get off one medication and transition to another one. A GP might tell you to just stop taking it, but a psych will know if it's a med that you should gradually stop.

If you have insomnia (I do), then taking a medication for depression that tends to hype you up or cause sleep problems may not be the best thing for you. I have found that dealing with a psychiatrist gives me a better chance at finding a medication or a mix of medications that play to my personal strengths and weaknesses. I need at least one medication with a sleepy side effect that I can take at night. If I take anything that keeps me awake, it has to be one that I can take before 2pm everyday, otherwise it makes my sleep problems even worse. Also, my stomach tends to be really sensitive to meds, so we were able to rule out a few of the ones that tend to cause stomach upset pretty quickly.

I have had success with just plain old cognitive therapy, in which a therapist asked questions, listened with care, and occasionally offered an idea or a different way to see the same situation. It really opened my eyes to say my thoughts out loud and to hear myself say them. Sometimes the therapist would just repeat my thought out loud so I could really hear what I said (and hear the judgment or the strange logic I was using without feeling criticized). A good therapist will hear you and help you to help yourself.

I have also done some CBT stuff on my own, and I like that approach too. CBT can be a bit harsh..or maybe blunt if it's your first experience of therapy...it's kind of cut-and-dried. That works well for people who need tools and skills that still start helping immediately. I definitely needed those, but in the beginning I also just needed to sort some things out, to tell my story, and talking openly really helped. There were a lot of pent-up thoughts and feelings in my head the first time I saw a therapist. I think I cried through several sessions, just talking and feeling relieved to be heard. So you might want to see what type of therapy a therapist suggests based on your first visits.

Medication has been a critical part of my life for many years. None of them have been magic pills, but for me, a bit of help is better than nothing at all. With medication, I have been able to keep the worst days to a minimum. I think trying it for a while is a good idea, and if the first one doesn't work for you, know that you are not alone!

Feel free to write more about how you're feeling if it will help. How long have you been dealing with the symptom list you wrote?

Mary, 38
Depression/anxiety/insomnia

Oh a fellow insomniac expert! HI!
I think journals in any form are therapeutic. And I vote for anything....pharmaceutical or not, that helps you enough so that you are able to take another step in the right direction. And then, hopefully another...

[it_will_get_better]

Nice to meet some fellow insomniacs Thanks a lot for sharing your thoughts Mary. I am a similar age to you (37). I get sickness from tablets too but I've decided to at least try not to worry about side effects too much and just see what happens. I am very impatient, but it is dawning on me that nothing will happen fast.

What you wrote about therapy really resonates with how I feel. It would be very useful to learn some tools which will help me manage my behaviour. But equally I need to sort out my thoughts, and talking therapy would really help I think. I want to understand how I got to where I am now, and ultimately learn to accept who I am and understand how I can move forward. At the moment I just feel stuck, helpless and hopeless.

So it's not unusual for people to try several meds? I'm not sure I'll get referred to a psychiatrist on the NHS unless I am suicidal (which thankfully I am not). My assessment with the depression & anxiety service is in three weeks. I will have to wait and see what they offer me.

Over the next few days I will try and write about some aspects of my life which I believe have played a part in my depression. I have been feeling very unwell for the past eight months or so. Several of my symptoms go back between two and six years, and some (like insomnia) more than 15 years.

Thanks for the encouragement sophiesmum. Apart from the therapeutic aspect it will be nice to follow each other's stories, progress, ups and down. It feels so nice to know that I am not the only one out there.

[it_will_get_better]

Right. Today started out as not a bad day. OK, I haven't really got much work done today, but I have found the strength to speak to occupational health at work. The lady was lovely and very understanding. I was crying most of the time but she wasn't judgemental at all. Really helpful.

Then I managed to send an email to my manager, outlining my problems and saying that the GP has put me on reduced hours and amended duties. (I found that quite difficult. No response yet.)

Feeling positive on the back of that I then called the counselling provider which my employers use. That was disastrous. The lady I spoke to (who claims to be a counsellor herself) seemed disinterested and showed no empathy whatsoever. Apparently I am not suitable for their approach to counselling so I should see who else is out there in my area and pay for it. I felt so stupid.

Onwards and upwards, as they say.

You have a very very good approach and I know how nerve racking it can be to wonder how I will be received. Some people are sympathetic (everyone here for example), some nod their heads at you, some pat you on the back and metaphorically tell you to cheer up and some back out of the room as you cry your eyes out.....

[it_will_get_better]

Thanks sophiesmom. So far everyone has been really supportive (except this stupid lady on the phone). I'm aware that it must feel very strange for people to hear about my illness - they had no idea what was going on, and they probably don't know how to react to the news.

After a couple of weeks of near continuous crying I had a weekend that can be described as "pleasant". On Saturday I went to my usual pilates class (one of the (few) things I enjoy and really look forward to) but I felt very jittery, light headed and nearly fainted, and had to stop. Probably side effects of the medication. Despite this setback I hardly had any deeply depressive thoughts over the weekend.

The fluoxetine is keeping me awake at night so I haven't had any sleep, which makes concentrating on work even more difficult than normal. (Lack of concentration is linked in a deep way to my depression. If I crack this I will get better, I am sure.)

My next task it so find a counsellor/therapist. The experience with the lady over the phone has put me off looking, but I must get over it. I'm a very rational person (I have a PhD in economics; we are trained to think rationally). I think it will be good to talk to someone who understands my rationality and uses it to help me deal with my irrational emotions.

The GP has authorised some more blood tests on my thyroid (I take thyroxin), to allay my fears that I am under-medicated. I might have to ask her for sleeping tablets if the insomnia situation doesn't improve. I want to give the medication a chance to work if at all possible.

I just felt like cheering you. You will have to use your imagination because the reality is not that pretty, but go ahead......with pom-poms

[vans1974]

Sorry to hear you're struggling! For me Prozac was very ineffective, caused weight gain, sexual problems and made me feel numb. I love Welbutrin because it works great on MDD, causes weight loss, no sexual side effects, and is activating. I didn't find much help with CBT, but find DBT rather effective. For insomnia I love, Trazodone with Sonota and Neurontin. Best of luck!

[it_will_get_better]

Right, haven't been on here for a while. I am learning more about my depression as time goes on, and one thing I have noticed is that it keeps sucking all the energy out of me. I have zero motivation for anything (including work). This will be my big fight.

Positives: I've had really good reactions from the people I have told about my depression. My line manager is very understanding, as are my friends. I am not ready to tell my family yet (they are abroad and will worry themselves mad). Another positive is that on Sunday evening, for the first time in months, I was feeling a little bit better, as if the very dark clouds had made way for some lighter clouds, at least temporarily. It might be that the prozac is beginning to take effect.

On the negative side, my sleep has been disrupted to an extent where I'm not able to function properly. I'll speak to my GP about it on Thursday. I am a talented insomniac anyway but this is ridiculous. Also I keep losing weight. I am already 4.5kg lighter than I was six weeks ago. I have lost all my appetite. This has to stop because a) I am losing the weight in all the wrong places and b) people will start noticing as I was relatively slim to start with. I am still a healthy weight though, BMI of 21.5.

Things on my to-do list for the next few days:

- find a therapist (scary)
- write on here about the things that get me down the most (lack of motivation and loneliness)
- write about recent events in my life which continue to dominate my thoughts in unhealthy, obsessive way. I'm hoping that writing things down will be the first step to detachment.

[Fuzzybear]

[it_will_get_better]

Thanks Fuzzybear, just what I needed!

Now on to therapeutic journal, chapter one. Before I tackle some very pressing concerns (like the motivation issue), I want to write about recent events which have turned my (emotional) life upside down.

Quick rundown of who I am first: late thirties, single, female, no kids, have a PhD, and work in academia. My love life can only be described as non-existent. My last relationship ended in 2007 (yes! 2007!). I don't fall in love very easily at all. I need an intellectual spark as well as 'chemical' attraction, and I just don't seem to meet the right men. Tried online dating - met some nice guys but not relationship material. Since I don't do casual flings either, I've been on my own for a long time now.

In early October I met a man in a professional context. We immediately clicked and tuned into each other. It was bizarre. After having spent less than a day together we had pretty much fallen for each other. Now the bad news: he is married (less than 2 years of marriage)... Neither of us was looking for love when we found it. After a very intense, four week long affair (yes, slate me for it, I deserve it) we realised that we can't go on like this and stopped all contact. We have both developed deep feelings for each other, so this has been hard.

My problem is now that I am a) very heartbroken (which is my own fault really) and b) can't stop thinking about him. I literally can't stop. He is dominating my thoughts, day and night. It is very distracting (on top of the other motivational issues). I need to do something about this. Any ideas??

It is fair to say that my depression has taken a turn for the worse since we ended it.

The other problem is that our initially agreed no-contact period ends on the 29th. The temptation to get in touch will be huge so I'll have to decide what I should do.

I find it strange; my life now is essentially the same as my life before I met him, yet it couldn't feel more different.

[it_will_get_better]

So.... I think the prozac is beginning to take effect. The feeling I get is weird. I know that the underlying issues are still there. (I haven't done anything about them yet.) But my mood is definitely improving on the medication. So even though I know things are going wrong I'm not feeling as bad about them as I used to. Here is hoping that I'll get enough energy together to actually tackle the problems.

The side effects are a bit annoying though. I hardly sleep at night, which makes work even more difficult than it is already. Also I am still losing weight. I'm seeing the GP tomorrow and will ask her about the side effects.

[caseygirl]

Originally Posted by it_will_get_better

So.... I think the prozac is beginning to take effect. The feeling I get is weird. I know that the underlying issues are still there. (I haven't done anything about them yet.) But my mood is definitely improving on the medication. So even though I know things are going wrong I'm not feeling as bad about them as I used to. Here is hoping that I'll get enough energy together to actually tackle the problems.

The side effects are a bit annoying though. I hardly sleep at night, which makes work even more difficult than it is already. Also I am still losing weight. I'm seeing the GP tomorrow and will ask her about the side effects.

First of all, welcome, and next, kudos to you for working. It takes strength and courage to get up every morning and face a day of work. I've been through that. Having to show a smiling face, yet dying on the inside hoping the day would end quickly and head home to lay on the couch and veg.

I have been on a myriad of meds, some worked for awhile, some didn't. Also, I have been hospitalized in the past for this illness called depression. I think the hardest part dealing with mental illness is the stigma. Stigma at work, stigma in the public eye. It has improved, but not enough that people are accepted. As soon as you hear 'depression', some people gasp 'character flaw, loser'.

Keeping a journal for me has proved very beneficial as I endured ECT treatments after exhausting the many meds, and with memory loss, the journals were invaluable. ECT proved useless for me.

Also, you may want to start your own blog. That really helped me out. You can contact me if you wish on how to get started on that.

Please contact a psychiatrist for the meds, and also a therapist. As some others have suggested, therapy for me was the preferred route to go. I am still wrestling with this illness, and taking meds, and going to therapy and hanging in there.

You hang in there too.

[SeekerOfLife]

Welcome. For me it has been a long road to recovery. But, I am so glad, SO GLAD, to be on this road of recovery. Someone once said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I don't know how many steps I have taken, and I don't know how many more I have to go, but I am SO GLAD to be getting help.

[it_will_get_better]

And it was going so well. Or so I thought. The Prozac is working, I am getting used to the side effects. All very promising.

But then this week has been terrible. Work not going well at all. I've been suffering from a really bad infection for four weeks and am now on antibiotics for it. Then I went to hospital yesterday for a routine appointment (I have an undiagnosed eye condition) and learned that I might have to give up driving. That's my independance gone. Have another hospital appointment tomorrow and finally the assessment with the mental health team on Friday. The result of all this is that I had a mini breakdown at work today. Am sitting here in tears and feel like everything is coming down on me.

This isn't a very helpful post, I know. Sorry for being so negative. But tonight it feels like there is no way out. Maybe tomorrow will be better.