Treading Water in Family Poison

I need help...I have had two major deaths in my family this year...in both cases I have been an outsider because of the sick family dynamics in my family of origin.
Since I was very young I've been the scapegoat for all the anger, bitterness, and hate they have. Mainly because my mother presented me that way to them in the stories she would tell them. And because she beleived in when I was very young that I was mentally retarded. In those days of ignorance, that was some kind of open season to ostrisize and abandon...or maybe it was just for them.
There was quite a lot of abuse and neglect and by the age of 16 I'd been sexually abused since I was 11 by an older sibling. Unfortunatly at 16 I chose to reveal this to my family. Instead of support I got rejection, and my mother defended this brother and still does, I will never know acceptance and love from my family.
After my grandfathers death my family didn't invite me to the funeral because the abuser was coming.
My father died today and I'm on the outside again, he and my mother seperated when I was 4, when I turned 20, I found him and tried to create a relationship with him, unfortunately, he has a number of major mental health issues and our 'relationship' was affected by that.
My biologicals, mother, grandmother, aunts and uncles all discouraged my relationship with him, and gave me a lot of pressure to not continue, including not coming to my wedding and reception because he might be there.
My mother is so skilled at lying and manipulation she has everyone beleiving that I was the problem all these years and made her life hard, and that I somehow was the cause of every misery she experienced, even when my stepdad sexually abused me and she saw it, she turned it into me trying to steal him...that was when I was 15. She never forgave me, as if I needed to be forgiven...and to this day still blames me for it. And for him leaving...
I have to get away from these people...its killing me.

They say that you should maintain family ties no matter what(or at least that is the socially accepted norm) but how difficult or hard would it be to just cut ties?

For me it's been the only option I had to keep somewhat sane and stable and as such I developed a hardened exterior to certain parts of my family... Cut most out of my life completely.

You have your own life to lead after all and no one can do for you but you. From what I've read of the above you are being held back and emotionally manipulated by others who are close and can hurt you... Not pleasant at all.

First, condolences on your father's passing.

Second, I am having to cut nearly everyone in my family out of my life for many of the same reasons. They are toxic and cause me more harm than good. It isn't an easy thing to do because I occasionally yearn for the good old times. It is hard not to pick up that phone when I just want to hear a particular voice.

Like Toejam said "You have your own life to lead after all and no one can do for you but you".

It appears you recognize the damage done to you in a very honest way. You don't seem to be exaggerating or overdramatizing anything---which is laudable. You've been put through a lot, there's no doubt about that.

A very wise person told me once that family is quite often (sadly) the LAST people we can count on in our lives to provide the emotional support and unconditional love we crave. It is probably because we're all just too close, and family members are convenient scapegoats for many individual's unhappiness. I've experienced it repeatedly in my life, and it appears you have, too. I am so sorry---you've really been put through more than anyone deserves (well, except maybe the abuser!).

I have had to do the same thing you are considering. It took me a while to work up the courage to do it---and it has basically been rather surgical, as I have been cutting them out one by one.

I only very selectively associate with a few family members anymore. The rest have proven they are NOT the kind of people I would want to be seen in public with, much less confide in, or tell my troubles to, or hope for compassion from them.

None of us are really awash in amazingly supportive other-humans, I imagine that's a big part of the reason we turn to sites like this. So, we DO understand. It doesn't mean you have to struggle alone, or that you can't make friends who can make a great difference to your existence in the future.

Wishing you gentle, understanding new acquaintances....kick the haters to the curb, hon. It can be done, and toxic people are just never gonna change.

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm sorry, and sorry for the loss of your father. I feel like I can relate to your story in a lot of ways, although I haven't lost a parent yet. Both my mother and father are mentally ill/not friends of mine, and I have no siblings and really no extended family either, so I feel like I have no family even though my parents are alive. My mother sounds like yours, she is off the charts nuts and at times I've suspected she's evil. I also feel like I need help, I am scared of my current depression. I'm seeing a therapist now in my 30's for the first time, I recommend it, I think .

Thank you, members for your help and personal comments. I found, when I went to my brother and sister there we were a great resource for each other...even though we didn't get into too much past, we briefly stated our support of each other now.
They are going through their pain, as much as I'm going through mine, and I found ways to help them, which helped me too.
At least, as cliche as it sounds, my dad isn't suffering anymore, and thats a releif for us.
As for my side of the family, well, I'm realizing that distance is probably the best thing, they may never accept or realize the truth, and thats too bad for them.
I can't make them, and I will never get any kind of resolution...it only makes me relive again and again the poison of beleiving that I'm somehow not a part, and somehow always the 'bad' child.
I know that isn't true, but I don't want to keep reliving that anymore.

((((cdnomore)))))

I realized there is a certain amount of comfort in my procrastination of moving away, of fear of failure, of not choosing in the past to stay put in spite of the crap, and to listen to the pressures to do what society says you 'should' do.
I realized after I finished reading Dr.Lauras' book, "Bad Childhood-Good Life" that it is, evidently, common under the guise of well meaning religious leaders to "forgive" others' prematurely...those who were never repentant, or even willing to accept the role they played in harming, this is my mom, I realized it was just another whitewash that fit into her schemes perfectly.
Never again. I withdraw my forgiveness and hold her accountable, and the rest of them...they may never know it, but, maybe me living my life seperatly, under my terms: without people that have harmed me and proven themselves completely untrustworthy in my life...well, then maybe she'll get the hint...
I won't harbor negative feelings though, I'm just going to let them go. And I'm not going to get enmeshed in their sick thinking again.
I don't have to and I don't want to.
Thanks for your affirmation of that.

Hi CDnomore,
Thanks for sharing. Eventually, you could forgive your mom at your heart, at the point to wish her well, if that means healing for you. But forgiving does not mean having to deal with her again.
I believe that it is a printed, strong, and human tendency for us to crave our original family because family gatherings have been a natural part of survival and evolution of the human race. Once created, it takes a lot of effort from us to cut those ties. institutions, customary norms and other cultural elements reinforcing family ties are just rationalizing that very profound human inclination.