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#1
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Hello everyone, as I'm new here the following post will be a basic explanation of the hell that is my life. Hopefully this doesn't serve as a trigger for anyone, but if you feel vulnerable while reading this, please stop reading! This will be a long post as I have to explain my situation, bear with me please!
I am 28 and I currently live at home. I always have, since where I'm from it is a cultural taboo to move out if you're not married, unless you decide to leave the country. Also, the fact that I can't seem to get off my *** to get a job does not help things! As you can imagine, being 28 and living with your very backwards parents is driving me insane (conservative nut jobs, though they do mean well and are not abusive, just opinionated and very manipulative at times). They have threatened to throw me out when my behavior doesn't not comply with their "standards", and I always cave in. This is the second time I have crawled into the very comfortable pattern of hiding in my room and avoiding any social interaction, and I seem to be repeating the same exact behavior as I did the first time. I sleep all day just to make time pass faster, I am absolutely addicted to food (ballooned from 65kg to 80kg in the past 3 months), and I have no motivation to find a job or maintain any of my relationships. The few friends I have repeatedly tried to contact me, and I simply don't answer phone calls or texts. I can't be bothered, as I would have to explain why I have been avoiding them in the first place and I really don't want to explain my depression to anyone. They would not understand and it's embarrassing anyway. My parents would not understand either, I just get a lot of pressure to either leave the country and find a job (Google Venezuela economic crisis and you'll get it, even if I did find a job here I would never be able to earn enough to move out even if I could overcome the social stigma) or get married. I keep telling myself that I'll do it, I'll leave and it will be alright. Then I immediately shoot myself down by reading **** about how people are losing jobs right and left because of the current economic crisis in the US (I'm a US citizen so it's probably the easiest place to try for me, no work visa required) and I think to myself.. Well I have work experience in a third world country that most people confuse with Minnesota, who the hell would hire me? And so I don't even try. Basically I don't feel like I'm worth hiring anyway, so why bother. As for marriage, that's more complicated. Part of my behavior pattern involves fixating on my romantic relationship while letting everything else fall apart. The first time I went into a deep depression, I had just been fired and I started with the isolation, weight gain, etc. My boyfriend at the time put up with it for a good seven months. He was the only person I was interested in hanging out with. He eventually moved away and we broke up. I found out later that he had been cheating on me with his secretary, whom he married three months after said break up. Although cheating is not ok and I despise him with a passion to this day, I do realize that I was sabotaging myself as well. Who wants to be with an overweight Debbie Downer? When I found out about the marriage, my depression got worse and instead of gaining weight I stopped eating entirely. I lost 20 kg in 2 months. That's when I decided to get treatment and was put on 10mg of lexapro. Fortunately, at that time a friend recommended me for a temp job that was to last for 1 year, and the routine of having a job as well as the meds made me feel so much better. That's when I met my current boyfriend. My contract finished in October and that's when I returned to my previous behavior. He has been very supportive so far, but I cannot expect him to understand entirely as he has never gone through it, the self loathing, the complete lack of self control and will power, the social awkwardness... It's horrible. I expect that my current relationship will end much like the last one, although fortunately I know what's coming this time so I don't expect it to be as bewilderingly painful as the first time. I obviously can't even contemplate marriage when I'm so messed up inside that maintaining a relationship is impossible, and I also think that it's the ****ing 21 st century and a marriage will not fix my problems. As I don't have a job at the moment I cannot afford treatment with a psychiatrist, so I have no one to talk to that would understand what's going on inside my head. Mostly I just get asked why I don't just get up and do something, anything. When your brain is screaming at you all the time, telling you how much you suck and how everything you do can and will fail, it's not exactly easy to just merrily move along like everyone else. Fortunately I know that lexapro will be needed again, and I've started on 10mg again, but I have to wait for the effects to kick in, and even then I do think it will be enough unless I have someone to talk to. Anyway, thanks for reading this post, and I hope to get input from anyone! Happy to answer questions too. |
![]() Anonymous100115, Anonymous37807, Fuzzybear, tranquility84
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#2
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Hello & Welcome, Viuam.
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Please make yourself at home, Viuam.
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My dog ![]() |
#3
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#4
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This happened last year for me too. I have this problem of overperforming and overworking at the start of a new job (and i blame my manic depression for it) and losing concentration and focus and eventually sinking into depression after a few months. I always think a manic episode yanked me out of the depression, but in retrospect I think talks with my T must have helped too. I regret deeply discontinuing therapy after I got myself out of depression last year. I guess I was blinded by the euphoria from the mania, to believe that all the deep-seated problems and disorders I have had all my life were miraculously solved the moment I snapped outta the depression. I think it was wishful thinking on my part. I guess what I am saying is, although meds form an integral part of healing, I think some problems can only be solved with therapy. I hope you are able to find a way to see someone to talk your problems through (My sisters are paying for my therapy since I am unemployed; is there someone who can help pay for professional help first?). I know once the money problem is solved you might face some inertia in leaving the house to actually visit your T, like me. It took me two months to call and make an appointment with my T. I have an appointment to see my T tomorrow, originally scheduled last Friday but I bailed on her because I couldn't bring myself to leave the house. I hope I will have enough courage to do the right thing tomorrow. I wish you all the best, and take care. Last edited by tranquility84; Dec 30, 2013 at 11:11 AM. |
![]() Viuam
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#5
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This made me cry... It is exactly the same thing that is happening to me, minus the purging and manic episodes. There are no ups, it's a constant downer. Thank you so much for writing, I didn't think that someone felt the same way. Thank you, thank you. I am still on lexapro, but the isolation is hitting pretty hard. I get terribly anxious about seeing people. I don't enjoy it, and at the moment I look terrible and that doesn't help much. As predicted, things with ex BF unravelled, and I've been taking two tablets of lexotanil 3mgs when I feel myself starting to panic over it. I have to leave the house at least once a day to walk the dogs, so I'm going to try to extend the walk for an hour to get some physical activity in there, not to mention some sunlight. My parents have no idea what to do with me, and at this point I feel really bad for them. Everyone gets sad, so how can I explain why it won't go away? My dad doesn't even believe in medication, and he keeps nagging me about finding something to do with myself. I just to lock the door and never come out. If it weren't for the fact that I need to eat and use the bathroom I wouldn't leave at all. I'd just lie in bed and listen to audiobooks forever. It's my escape. Under extreme pressure from family, I have been researching grad schools lately and I have a deadline this week for choosing a few. Will update at the end of the week as to my progress. Thank you again. I'm so lonely and your words are exactly what I needed. |
#6
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Please help! I totally just pulled a stalker move on my ex and showed up at his house. After I caught him practically running away from me he agreed to have a coffee and he said that I was crazy and that I needed help, that if I ever showed up at his house again hed call my parents and hes never speak to me again. He said that he could only be my friend and that he didnt want to date anyone at all. He said that he could meet me for lunch during the week and work on being friends from there. I ****ed up so bad.... and the worst thing is that i dont want to be friends, I cant just see him once in a while and not want to be with him. I also feel kinda taken advantage of, ive done so much for him and now when im in a rough patch ive been abandoned. He probably just said the thing about lunch to get rid of me, and i most likely will never hear from him again. I ****ed up so bad.... what is WRONG with me?!?!?!?!?!
![]() I dont know what to do with myself, I am freaking out. |
#7
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You didn't **** up. You made a mistake that lots of people make.
That said, I would let that relationship go, mentally, physically and emotionally. Easier said than done, but I can promise that you WILL get over this guy. I think it's time for you to make your own well-being a priority and if a relationship happens, then it's a bonus for you. |
![]() Viuam
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#8
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Just woke up, having that horrible twisting feeling in my chest which means I'm probably going into the phase where I stop eating. I'll look great by the end but it's obviously unhealthy and it's the most painful part. Had disturbing thoughts before I fell asleep last night, which I'm afraid of because this time involves a new... exit scenario... That does not immediately put me off. I had always refrained from any attemts before out of sheer fear, but now it doesn't seem so scary anymore, not the way I'm envisioning it at least. That has to be a really bad sign.
Taking 6mg of lexotanil to calm down so that I can sleep. Still on 10mg of lexapro but I think it's not working this time. Finally convinced my parents that I need to go back to the T. I'm making the call today to set up an appointment ASAP, and I'm really looking forward to it. I reconnected with a girlfriend last night, and after sobbing for an hour she told me that we would meet up this afternoon. I'll probably cry my eyes out but at least I'll get to talk to someone, so that's another thing to look forward to. My parents think that I get this way because I make bad choices with my relationships, which is quite true but it barely scratches the surface. Both times I was already pretty ****ed up beforehand. The break up is just the last string that broke, if you know what I mean. Right now I'm looking for a way to mitigate the obsessive thoughts until I can go to the T. Thinking of doing ten push-ups or another quick excercize every time thoughts of the break up pop into my head. That means I'll probably be exhausted by the end of the day, since I can't get really fixated on the issue. I have a few errands to do today, and I really should get moving on the grad school thing, but I know that if I have that damn thought in my head all day it will be really hard to concentrate. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do with myself for now? Meditation, medication, talking..... Something to fill the time gap until I can see my T. |
#9
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I have my appointment with my T today at 3... I still feel the tightness in my chest and I haven't eaten today, nor do I feel any sort of hunger. I hope the T can help me, but this is the second time I've followed the same behavioral pattern. And I KNOW for a fact that it's ****ed up. So why do I feel and behave this way? What if he can't do anything this time? I knowingly **** myself up. I'd rather be just completely bonkers and not know what's going on. At least I couldnt blame myself, but with this it's just constant shitting on myself. I keep thinking that I know exactly what to do but I don't because I am weak and I'm a pushover and I don't have the will to take responsibility for my own life and body. I am just ****.
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![]() Anonymous37954
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#10
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I just wanted to wish you well today. Sometimes simply letting it all out to someone is a huge relief.
Please don't leave anything out when you see him/her. Make notes to take with you if it helps. Anyone who can see a therapist isn't weak. You're doing something active to get depression under control and that's a huge step. |
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