Losing my battle.

I am losing my battle with depression. I go back and forth between being depressed and feeling pretty okay. This has gone on all my life. The last 3 to 4 years have been the worst of my life. This period got started by loss of employment. It seems I manage to pull out of it temporarily, only to lapse back into it.

I used to think that I could manage with that pattern, knowing the bad intervals won't last forever and will be followed by intervals of feeling okay. I had a good interval from mid-October till Christmas. It was the best I've done in a few years. Then it collapsed. Since Christmas, I've been depressed. I come out of it for spurts, only to collapse back in, each time feeling weaker.

I'm becoming a mess . . . staying in bed way too much . . . and not doing much when I get out of bed.

I feel like this is getting dangerous . . . that I am becoming physically a wreck from inactivity. I feel like I have to just make myself change. Then I fail to do that, and I feel hopeless. I'm afraid to tell anyone how bad I've been getting. (except here.) Maybe this will just blow over. Sometimes that has happened.

(((((((( Rose ))))))))

Rose, I think it's time you reach out for help. If you aren't seeing a therapist of psychiatrist now would be a good time to start. Hope you get help and feel better soon.

I know how you feel. I've been vegetating so long I'm surprised my butt hasn't taken root in the couch!

I hope good things are headed your way soon! Try to start with a little task? Change is most definitely slow but count the small victories. Eating, checking your email, throwing all your laundry into a basket, cutting your fingernails... those are all tasks that I do when everything else seems like way too much energy.

Ouch, I am sorry it is so rough for you right now. I have to echo gayleggg it may be time to get help. I got my referral from my GP. I couldn't bring myself to say the words so my husband came and did it for me (at my request).

I don't have any advice, but just here to lend some support and lots of hugs.

I saw my pdoc last week. I see him every 3 months. We jointly agreed for me to up my medication. Other than that there is nothing he can do.

I saw therapists for years. I did that to death. What they tell me, I can tell myself. I know I am alone too much. I have been all my life. Now that I don't work, I am alone a lot more. I tell myself to go join something. I tell myself and tell myself . . . .

Sounds like you need some new input in that conversation you're having with yourself.

I can think of some different ways to frame it, but I'm sure you can imagine those, too.

Yes, H3rmit, I just keep having the same thoughts and I'm getting nowhere. It is like being caught in a whirlpool.

How is the community where you live?

Well, how about this thought: I don't have to do anything. I can just leave things as they are. There are no shoulds. I'm free to do what *I* want. There's no absolute right and wrong in this matter.

In other words, sometimes I find the stillness of just being right in the state that already is can give new perspectives on other possibilities.

not to discount your emotional pain but could your depression be partly related to a medical issue rose? i am no medical person but as a stab in the dark, have you considered checking your thyroid?

Just offering encouragement and to say that I can relate .....much love

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Hi Terry, I'm on thyroid supplement, and get by blood checked regularly for that.

I'm better tonight than I have been. I got so down I couldn't stand being in my apt. I went and stayed with my s/o past two days, and I do feel better. Hope this lasts.

I am the same way. I cycle in and out of them. Somehow I managed to stay working my whole life in spite of it but a year ago I hit a wall of deep depression. I missed enough work that they fired me. I was severely depressed for six months straight. I collected unemployment for a year but that ran out. My depression has gotten worse over the last five years and now anxiety has been added to it. I can't work as a plumber any more. The disease cycles so much I don't see how I could hold a job. I applied for disability was denied and am appealing. That process takes forever. I am living with my parents. I had to come home to Michigan from CA because I just could not cope anymore. I have been being treated for depression for 20 years. Not an uplifting story but I can relate to yours and you are not alone.

Rose76, I am in the same boat. Fighting this for 40 + years. I hope we both start feeling better very soon. It is getting Spring - like outdoors. Maybe the sunshine will help. Hugs to you...

Yes, zinco, it sounds like you have been through this. After years of it, you get to believe that this is a permanent part of your makeup. Sucks, doesn't it. The most I aspire to is that the "tailspins" will come less frequently and last less time. Even that takes so much effort. Then a spell of doing pretty good ends, and recovery is hard.

Hi ifthespirit. I hope you pick up too. Today is a good deal better than when I started this thread. I have to get things accomplished today, if I want to not slip back.

Wish I had some great solutions to this but I don't. I can certainly relate, sending hugs and a virtual banquet of spring flowers. ( no flowers here so you get cake! )

Well, I managed to climb out of it, and now I'm feeling pretty alright. If I can just sustain this . . . like for a week . . . then I would feel like I got a chance. Went to my S/O's and helped him with some things he needed done. That seemed to snap me back to being okay. I am grateful for the support and hearing from others who go through this kind of thing. It's impossible to explain this to someone who hasn't experienced it.