[ToeJam]

Pretty much sums it up in the title.

T has given me 'homework'... to ask 5 people to write down 3 characteristics and one constructive criticism. Fine in itself but I am very limited as to who to ask... and so I asked 3 work colleges who know me well enough if they would.

Accepted, and I knew to expect banter which I received... that in itself wasn't a problem but I'm very self conscious and one of them was discussing with me what he thinks... he started listing negative characteristics... disorganised, easily distracted, sensitive, devils advocate, bored and others... I took it on the chin to start with, but he's been repetitive with it over the last couple of days and I could feel the compulsion to beat myself up starting to mount.

This afternoon, all my motivation just shut down and I started to drift into depression/something... he did what he could to reverse it... but I let myself down... had been trying so hard to keep on top of things and it just seemed to collapse in on itself.

Not his fault, part of the problems I have and he was not to know that... I think most who know me see the hard layer I guess I construct... but it all went tits up and the intrusive thoughts rushed in.

Wondering if it was a mistake to do this homework... I beat myself up enough as it is... don't really require people confirming and telling me what I already think.

Probably sounds stupid in itself... but triggers are triggers and it's hit hard

I wonder what your therapist expected would happen....

I could not have done what you did, I am not brave enough

[Altered Moment]

I think the assignment should have been 3 positive characteristics and one constructive criticism.

[RRex]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

I wonder what your therapist expected would happen....

I could not have done what you did, I am not brave enough

I second that. That took enormous courage. for the Toe.

Originally Posted by RRex

I second that. That took enormous courage. for the Toe.

Maybe that was the lesson....?

Okay wow first off what a mean coworker. If someone asked me that I would immediately start listing as many positive traits as possible. In fact, I think that's more a reflection on him than on you. The fact that the first thing he thought up were criticisms show what a negative thinker he is about other people.

We're all made of a mixture of good and bad traits. And the most important part for your own self-worth, is to fill the walls with both and to aim to improve traits that aren't doing as well. (There are two theories on this, either strengthen your good traits until they cover your bad ones or strengthen your bad traits and become an all-around player).

And also, I wouldn't consider being sensitive a bad thing. But I think the ability to rationalize all the information that we take in from being sensitive is more important. For example, being sensitive has really paid off in making many people happy. But it also makes me prone to being unhappy because I'm constantly thinking that other people's behavior is exact in what they're feeling. But most people really don't notice when they are sending the wrong signals and etc. I'm glad I'm a sensitive person. I would much rather be hyper aware of my surrounding.

Plus, playing devils advocate is sometimes important depending on the situation. I know it's good when planning ideas and playing with interpretation of things. Every prep group needs someone to think from the opposite side to make sure they cover all their bases.

Disorganized and easily distracted often fall into the same category for me. But to be honest they aren't bad traits either. People just function differently. I know people who need a clean desk to be able to work. But for me as long as there is just a bit of space around me I can get what I need to done. So what if it takes me a few minutes to find some material? People should learn to mind their own space and not be so judgeful of others. If you work best with a little clutter just ignore them (to be honest if my desk is clean I need to put stuff on it otherwise I don't really feel comfortable with all the empty space).

And being easily distracted is not a bad thing either because your brain is always processing regardless of whether you're working on it or not. Which is why on exams they tell you to skip questions you don't know because parts of your mind are still thinking about it and I've had plenty of answers come to me after letting an issue rest than trying to smack my head against a brick wall. In fact, my sister is probably one of the most easily distractable people in this world and she's doing really well in work. Being easily distractable is not a bad thing. Only a difference in function. Some people can sit and work for hours on end. I work in 1 hour intervals and then I have to get up or take a 5 min break because my mind can't focus that long (plus it is proven you're more productive with breaks).

Sorry I just have a lot of feelings about topics like this. Just because some people function one way does not mean you have to too

We all beat ourselves up enough, don't let other people do it for you!

[ToeJam]

Thanks for the messages.. still a bit on the raw side so not sure what to add in terms of good.

Just sent a text to my T to make her aware and see if she has any insight to dull the blows.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Probably sounds stupid in itself... but triggers are triggers and it's hit hard

Doesn't sound stupid to me...

Is this "assignment" having the effects the T expected or desired?

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Doesn't sound stupid to me...

Is this "assignment" having the effects the T expected or desired?

Not sure... I can't say she was evasive in her reply... but she responded directly to it and that was that:

To not draw too much conclusion from other people views... that it could be as much a reflection (negativity) of them than anything else... and that she was sorry I had a rough time with it.

Asked me to reflect more on the characteristics she put down to begin with and she believes they are more true to character.

I thanked her for her time and pretty much put 'will do!'.

With that said, the person in question knows me very well...

when the cracks began to show and he realised it as 'I have to be more careful with flippant remarks'.. he did try to stem some of the damage... that in his opinion those 'criticisms' where in some respects towards work, that he believes that I am more creative brain centred and that the job in itself is probably not my best fit (I put a stopper on my thinking to that before it opened another whole new can of worms ).

Obviously at that time, the nerves were jangled and the intrusive thoughts were in overkill mode so it didn't have much effect... but today I have been able to dissect the above and I see his point.

So yeah... that was just one person... 4 to go and god knows what 'fun and games' I'm going to have with them

[Pierro]

I dont think that was a very helpful asignment. You need words of encouragament not negative feedback, but then again you were asking for it. I dont mean that the way it came out TJ, you know what I mean.

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by Pierro

I dont think that was a very helpful asignment. You need words of encouragament not negative feedback, but then again you were asking for it. I dont mean that the way it came out TJ, you know what I mean.

I understand what you're saying Pierro.

I was careful with who I asked with the limited resources I had... but I bit the bullet and did it... so yes, in a lot of ways I had it coming to me

Probably didn't help that she goaded my pride slightly (stupid of me to not be stronger, but I don't want to in a battle of wills with her at this time), saying that in her whole time being a T she has only had 2 refusals with this task.

Personally this is not homework I would consider helpful for me at this stage... my self confidence can be pretty fragile... and though I bull myself through situations as best I can... this was a little too close to the bone (in terms of the task) than I would have liked... but if I can keep my head on my shoulders and try not to slip into a spiral, it will be something for my T to untangle and perhaps it might be helpful in the long run.

Trying to find positives out of this.

Originally Posted by ToeJam

I understand what you're saying Pierro.

I was careful with who I asked with the limited resources I had... but I bit the bullet and did it... so yes, in a lot of ways I had it coming to me

Probably didn't help that she goaded my pride slightly (stupid of me to not be stronger, but I don't want to in a battle of wills with her at this time), saying that in her whole time being a T she has only had 2 refusals with this task.

Personally this is not homework I would consider helpful for me at this stage... my self confidence can be pretty fragile... and though I bull myself through situations as best I can... this was a little too close to the bone (in terms of the task) than I would have liked... but if I can keep my head on my shoulders and try not to slip into a spiral, it will be something for my T to untangle and perhaps it might be helpful in the long run.

Trying to find positives out of this.

This got me to thinking.....Shouldn't we be allowed to say no to therapists because we feel like we're not ready?
(I am not seeing one, so I am simply asking others, here)

Her comment about only having 2 people refuse, sounds a little like pressure via condescension...

I hope that I am not overstepping my bounds or upsetting anyone by this observation.

[Frankbtl]

You know what, I actually think you should find talking to that co-worker encouraging ToeJam!!
It shows a reflection on them not you in the way they answered so......OK I know you have difficulties but at least you don't have the difficulties your colleague has on top of those!! From what I can see you're not insensitive, oblivious to people's feelings, judgmental, focus "full on" on the "negative" things you think you see in people, you're not persistent in stating what you think are faults in other people especially when the chance is there (which it was) to throw in good aspects as well.
And at the end of the day it was his perspective, that doesn't make it true. You say he knows you but does he know you. Often colleagues only "see" parts of us, and parts of us that can be out of context with the rest of our lives.
I mean you said it yourself "I think most who know me see the hard layer I guess I construct". YOU is much bigger than someone's "colleague" and YOU is much bigger than certain aspects people may "see".
If you want to use what he said as a positive tool in working towards changing things for yourself at work (and some of those things aren't going to take a lot to improve) then fine but remember those are just his opinions. And I'd completely agree with keeprolling that sometimes things/qualities can be put across as not "helpful" when in fact they can be very "helpful" in different situations.
Really sorry you were made to feel that way though and you didn't "let yourself down". It was probably hard for you to ask anyone, and something you really weren't used to doing right?? So maybe it was "a bolt out of the blue" for you??
As for the purpose of the exercise, it sounds like your T has left you a little in the dark on that one. BUT why not have a think about a purpose which might help you personally, doesn't have to matter about your T's.
For example you could use it to see how much of yourself you might actually be "hiding" from people. If they say you're.......but you're not necessarily then you might want to think how you could show them more of you, or why you don't want to show them more.......
Or you could use the positive comments to improve on the way you feel about yourself.
Or you could use it as an experiment in talking more openly to people about more personal things. For now use the exercise to help you, and hold onto the positive aspects you can find from doing it.
Best wishes
Alison

[Altered Moment]

Maybe it doesn't matter but I am confused about her purpose.

At first I thought she wanted you to get 3 positive characteristics and 1 constructive criticism. And this would help build confidence and also help to take criticism and to look at what truth there might be in that criticism.

Or maybe if you worry alot about how you perceive others think of you than you could ask directly and find out your perceptions are way off base. This is usually the case.

I guess now you are forced to look at what might be true about how others perceive you and if it something you want to change. I guess you have to look very deep and see what truth there might be in what they say and if you want to change it. This seems risky to me but maybe your therapist thought you were in a place to handle that.

Try to stand back outside yourself and look at it objectively like you are a third party when you are done. Like well maybe there is some truth on this one point but on this other point this guy is just way off base. Or that maybe that trait is just part of the front I put on and not really me but I am not ready to let go of that, it serves me.

Tough assignment you are very brave. I would guess you would get alot of positive traits as well. Look at those objectively as well. Like hey he is right and I really like that about myself.

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

This got me to thinking.....Shouldn't we be allowed to say no to therapists because we feel like we're not ready?
(I am not seeing one, so I am simply asking others, here)

Her comment about only having 2 people refuse, sounds a little like pressure via condescension...

I hope that I am not overstepping my bounds or upsetting anyone by this observation.

Sometimes I think (on a personal level) we're not always the best judge of when or when not we're ready. That said, on her telling me that, I did challenge her... saying it wasn't a lack of confidence, it was a lack of people to ask.

I knew full well that the only way to get 5 people was to ask those who if in an ideal situation I would not.

But I didn't decline the challenge... which was a little naïve of me... and I suppose at the time of speaking to my T I didn't ask about 'what if it goes to hell in a poopa scoop?' which would have been prudent... but I'm a slow reactor - I reflect on information before coming to a conclusion on how to act... and the session was over by that time.

Once burnt, twice shy... and I will get into better discourse with her in future instances like this.

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

You know what, I actually think you should find talking to that co-worker encouraging ToeJam!!
It shows a reflection on them not you in the way they answered so......OK I know you have difficulties but at least you don't have the difficulties your colleague has on top of those!! From what I can see you're not insensitive, oblivious to people's feelings, judgmental, focus "full on" on the "negative" things you think you see in people, you're not persistent in stating what you think are faults in other people especially when the chance is there (which it was) to throw in good aspects as well.
And at the end of the day it was his perspective, that doesn't make it true. You say he knows you but does he know you. Often colleagues only "see" parts of us, and parts of us that can be out of context with the rest of our lives.
I mean you said it yourself "I think most who know me see the hard layer I guess I construct". YOU is much bigger than someone's "colleague" and YOU is much bigger than certain aspects people may "see".
If you want to use what he said as a positive tool in working towards changing things for yourself at work (and some of those things aren't going to take a lot to improve) then fine but remember those are just his opinions. And I'd completely agree with keeprolling that sometimes things/qualities can be put across as not "helpful" when in fact they can be very "helpful" in different situations.
Really sorry you were made to feel that way though and you didn't "let yourself down". It was probably hard for you to ask anyone, and something you really weren't used to doing right?? So maybe it was "a bolt out of the blue" for you??
As for the purpose of the exercise, it sounds like your T has left you a little in the dark on that one. BUT why not have a think about a purpose which might help you personally, doesn't have to matter about your T's.
For example you could use it to see how much of yourself you might actually be "hiding" from people. If they say you're.......but you're not necessarily then you might want to think how you could show them more of you, or why you don't want to show them more.......
Or you could use the positive comments to improve on the way you feel about yourself.
Or you could use it as an experiment in talking more openly to people about more personal things. For now use the exercise to help you, and hold onto the positive aspects you can find from doing it.
Best wishes
Alison

There is a lot of positive and useful information in that thread (again haha). Certain parts I might question but that's the negativity and self doubt talking, so I'll need to reflect and possibly respond at another point.

Thank you very much though Alison

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

Maybe it doesn't matter but I am confused about her purpose.

At first I thought she wanted you to get 3 positive characteristics and 1 constructive criticism. And this would help build confidence and also help to take criticism and to look at what truth there might be in that criticism.

Or maybe if you worry alot about how you perceive others think of you than you could ask directly and find out your perceptions are way off base. This is usually the case.

I guess now you are forced to look at what might be true about how others perceive you and if it something you want to change. I guess you have to look very deep and see what truth there might be in what they say and if you want to change it. This seems risky to me but maybe your therapist thought you were in a place to handle that.
Try to stand back outside yourself and look at it objectively like you are a third party when you are done. Like well maybe there is some truth on this one point but on this other point this guy is just way off base. Or that maybe that trait is just part of the front I put on and not really me but I am not ready to let go of that, it serves me.

Tough assignment you are very brave. I would guess you would get alot of positive traits as well. Look at those objectively as well. Like hey he is right and I really like that about myself.

Thanks Zinco, like with Alison, I'm going to have to reflect on some points.

On those I highlighted... that's the thing. I do sometimes wonder how others see me... there is a part of me that will jump blind with both feet and get on with tasks that scare the crap out of me.

Key times in the past (while dealing with depression) have been arguing with a college professor on the phone to give me a place on an undergraduate course (I hadn't quite met the requirements)... and getting in.

And, getting a job in China... thousands of miles from home, irrespective of my massive periodic downs... knowing full well, I'd never get that kind of chance again.

So I don't see it as brave as such... I just have dogged determination that yanks me through certain situations.

Now, I think my T may have cottoned onto that... so she dangled the carrot on the stick.

That is also where my confliction of character lies... I am able to go balls deep/I suffer from depression.

It's very confusing to me... and at times very scary if I over extend.

[Fuzzybear]

[Clara22]

Maybe, your T was not looking for any particular result from this but she was looking for information. Maybe she gave you this assignment to understand you better through your response, associated emotions, etc. Maybe she thought it was worthy to submit you to such trigger and/or risk on behalf of the overall effectiveness of the treatment. Maybe she thinks your structures are strong enough to cope with this assignment despite all the negative the assignment is, I do not know.
Because of my concerns about Ts and my difficulties to open up in person, I was thinking a lot about what happens to TJ. I think you TJ are miles away, ahead from me because you have a lot courage and commitment to your treatment.
I was thinking that yes, we can always refuse an assignment, it is our own self, we suffer the consequences. But, on the other hand, reciprocally, our Ts can tell us they cannot continue working with us because we do not cooperate enough within the framework of the plan designed by them. And, if we are in therapy we need to trust in the ability of the T and somehow to submit to them by doing what they ask us to do, at the end of the day.
I was thinking that we can ask information of the meaning of a particular assignment although I understand sometimes a T cannot talk about the course of our treatment as we were colleagues because of our lack of readiness to full information or because they are managing different hypothesis at the same time, but at least Ts could tell us the purpose of the assignments they give us. This could help us to give perspective to the whole thing.
BTW, if right now I got the criticism you got, I would be crying like mad. I just could not do it.

[ToeJam]

Thanks Clara.

The task has been eyeopening for me, as it's re-enforced what I already knew... that though I don't give a crap what acquaintances think... those that know me can cut deeper than I initially anticipate.

As for crying... it was a close thing on that day, which for me as a bloke would have been soul destroying if that side of emotion had let loose full force (I had a thread up in December where that actually happened... ironically due to the same person... my memory span and ability to learn from lessons is really crap ).

In retrospect to what happened the other day, I've told that person and others that I would prefer it if they give me back their answers a couple of hours before I go for next T session (24th)... so at least if anything really hits the bone... the damage control can hopefully be handled a little bit better with advise later that day.

And thanks... maybe I do have courage... but then I also lack foresight of the 'what if' on the result of said courage lol.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

In retrospect to what happened the other day, I've told that person and others that I would prefer it if they give me back their answers a couple of hours before I go for next T session (24th)... so at least if anything really hits the bone... the damage control can hopefully be handled a little bit better with advise later that day.

Good. If you are pushing ahead with the "assignment", this may be the safest course.

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Shouldn't we be allowed to say no to therapists because we feel like we're not ready?

We are the employer. We don't forfeit our freedoms when we engage the services of a T. Not following their advice or direction may diminish the value of their service, and following their advice or direction may sometimes make things a lot worse, too.

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Her comment about only having 2 people refuse, sounds a little like pressure via condescension...

Sounds possible...

[Cornsilk]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Pretty much sums it up in the title.

T has given me 'homework'... to ask 5 people to write down 3 characteristics and one constructive criticism. Fine in itself but I am very limited as to who to ask... and so I asked 3 work colleges who know me well enough if they would.

Accepted, and I knew to expect banter which I received... that in itself wasn't a problem but I'm very self conscious and one of them was discussing with me what he thinks... he started listing negative characteristics... disorganised, easily distracted, sensitive, devils advocate, bored and others... I took it on the chin to start with, but he's been repetitive with it over the last couple of days and I could feel the compulsion to beat myself up starting to mount.

This afternoon, all my motivation just shut down and I started to drift into depression/something... he did what he could to reverse it... but I let myself down... had been trying so hard to keep on top of things and it just seemed to collapse in on itself.

Not his fault, part of the problems I have and he was not to know that... I think most who know me see the hard layer I guess I construct... but it all went tits up and the intrusive thoughts rushed in.

Wondering if it was a mistake to do this homework... I beat myself up enough as it is... don't really require people confirming and telling me what I already think.

Probably sounds stupid in itself... but triggers are triggers and it's hit hard

youre feelings really hit home.