[monkeybruv]

I woke up today at half 7 to try and help my boyfriend get to his exam. He kept complaining and telling me I was making him cold. I went to set his clothes out near him so he wouldn't get cold trying to find them. He said I was making him cold by moving. I said he needs to drink his shake as he'd reminded him to 'make sure he got it' the night before. He said I was meant to get it. I said I didn't remember the recipe and asked him to tell me it so I could make it. He said no, he'll do it. It's not like I care anyway. Then I was trying to gently get him out of bed, asking what's the latest he wanted me to let him stay there. he wouldn't say. then stayed there ages trying to get warm because apparently I was making him cold. He kept saying I wasn't doing anything to help but he wouldn't tell me what to do. Then he went to make his shake, came back and dropped it on the floor (I didn't realise that's what happened) and started swearing and trashing his room. I stayed in bed and started crying because I didn't know what was going on, I was scared and I didn't know how to help. Everything I did seemed to make him more mad. Then he was shouting at me saying 'are you even going to say anything?? you don't even care!'. so i said yes I did, I just didn't know how to help, I'd already asked. Then he said I should have made his shake because he told me to last night. I said I thought he just told me to remind him. He said no, that's not what he said. I said that's what I thought he'd said and besides, I'd still sked to make it and he said no.he starts getting mad and saying I always want to argue instead of caring for him. I said sorry, I wasn't trying to argue I just thought he was being a **** throwing things around when I was only trying to help. He then started throwing things around including the chair next to me. Then blaming me for his having only half an hour to get to the exam. I said no problem, it takes you 20 minutes and you're ready. He says no, we need to do this. He says I only care about myself. he gets mad at me for crying. He says when he needs me I'm never there and I'm selfish. he starts shoving the clock in my face and shouting. eventually he starts saying it's not my fault and he's just stressed and i shouldn't takee it personally. so i give him a hug and say I understand, don't worry, just go to your presentation. he says he can't because he only has 25 minutes. I say that's fine, it only takes 20 to get there, make your shake again and i'll clean the mess. he says no, he can't, it's too late. then starts telling me about how i'm selfish and don't care again. i start crying and don'tsay anything. he says this is a signof me only caring about myself. I say ok, now go to your presentation. he says he can't, there's only 20 minutes. this goes on until 5 to when eventually he accepts that I say I'm sorry and it's not his fault he was stressed and he's being nice to me again and says sorry too. then as we're walking up the street past my house he stops and starts telling me i'm never there for him again and he can't go to the exam because he's worried about how our relationship doesn't withstand hard times. i say me too, but it was early and you were stressed, it'll be ok. he says it's my fault it won't work because I didn't comfort him and ask him what was wrong when he was swearing and shouting and ripping the room apart and insulting me. he says i just give up and cry when things get hard. he goes on and on until i say i'm cold and want to go in the house. he says 'see' and storms off and i say good luck. now i have to leave for my exam in 8 minutes and i just want to give up and go back to bed.

[Curupira]

Does this happen often? This does not sound like a healthy relationship.

[monkeybruv]

Originally Posted by Curupira

Does this happen often? This does not sound like a healthy relationship.

More and more often. Mostly it's good, but it got very bad over christmas when he was nearly sectioned. He was really scared and paranoid about people knowing what he was doing, he thought I was cheating on him and being horrible to embarrass him in front of other people (who weren't even in the same room at the time) and he was saying he was going to kill himself. We ended up wrestling over a knife and he hit me when I was trying to stop him running from the ambulance. I live for the good bits but always am waiting for something to go wrong. as soon as he shows signs of going that way again I get upset and that makes it escalate. he has never deliberately physically harmed me other than that one time, and it was just to get me to let go of him.

[Curupira]

Ok... I am really sorry you are going through this. It has to be hard to maintain your own mental health while being made responsible for someone elses.

That being said, ( I really do not want to offend you but if I do not say something I am going to worry about you all week) this does not sound like a healthy relationship. He is making you responsible for his every move and blaming you for his lack of follow through. I am not unsympathetic, it sounds like he has a lot of baggage of his own. But his behavior twoards you in these instances is abusive.

Again, I really do not want to offend, and I really do care. I just really hope this helps.

I agree with Curupira....

This is not good for you, sweetie.

He should be caring for you and he's not at all. He's using anger to control you.

Personally, my bags would be packed.....I couldn't take on someone else's issues in addition to my own.....

You come first in your life.

[Whoaminoone]

I know this is going to sound impossible and feel even more impossible, but find a way to get out of this relationship. What you describe is a lot like my marriage! Things don't get better... these men get more controlling, but nothing will ever be their fault. They tear you down, then give you just enough to keep you hanging on to hope of change. They're manipulators. Even when you know this in you're mind, it's nearly impossible to break away.

I'm not trying to upset you, and am so so sorry. I just hate the thought of anyone else having the kind of 'relationship' I have. I made my bed...but you still have a chance.

Yup. That sounds pretty emotionally manipulating if not down right abusive in what's he's doing to control your behavior. The best thing to do for yourself is just to get out of that relationship. It really isn't worth the effort to try and change such terrible behavior, you have to protect yourself first. I'm really sorry this is happening to you

Best of luck and keep us updated!

[Altered Moment]

Is your boy friend diagnosed with anything?

[monkeybruv]

thankyou for taking the time to read guys. I was just wondering what this looked like from an outside perspective. he's diagnosed with depression only as far as i know. after the ambulance incident i told him to tell his doctor about the anger and paranoia and i did but they said no wonder he's like that as he's been vulnerable so long - i think meaning it was just very severe depression - and put him on mirtazapine. i was worries he might be having a psychotic episode back then tbh. I've suspected him of having bpd, but as far as I know he's never been diagnosed. he's very mistrustful and scared of people, he mostly feels lonely because he thinks other people are 'bad people' but he also says he feels he's a bad person because he can't tolerate others.

[Altered Moment]

Sounds like he needs alot more help then you are able to give him.
Does he have a psychiatrist? Does he have a therapist? Does he have a supportive family?
You can't be all those things for him. And you can't be his mother.

[Curupira]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

Sounds like he needs alot more help then you are able to give him.
Does he have a psychiatrist? Does he have a therapist? Does he have a supportive family?
You can't be all those things for him. And you can't be his mother.

I really agree with zinco here. He needs help from a detached and professional individual. I can see from the way you write that you are a wonderful, caring person. But you cannot be responsible for someone elses mental health. And right now it sounds like he has made you exactly that. You are bearing the brunt of every one of his ups and downs. It is not safe for you or him.

Please, please take care of yourself.

[monkeybruv]

I'm seeing a mentor every week and I've told my mum everything now, and I talk to my housemates (which I never would before as me talking to other people about our relationship freaks him out), so I'm cared for.

He doesn't tell his family everything. They seem nice but I don't think they really understand. He sees a doctor for his meds but he has stopped seeing the counsellors and mentors at uni even though they've been trying to get hold of him as he says they won't help :/

[Altered Moment]

Hmmmm tough spot you are in. What does your mum say?

[monkeybruv]

she had a similar experience with my dad who was an alcoholic, so she understands. she won't tell me not to be with him. she wants me to be safe and tells me to really think about what i'm doing before i end up married and regretting it. she says he won't get better, i just have to decide if the good outweighs the bad.

I forgot to mention I that I got a text yesterday after my exam saying 'I'm sorry, I love you'. And as I'd forgotten to take my meds that morning due to everything happening I was feeling pretty bad and he bought me pizza and took care of me all day.

I felt weird not talking about it though, and by evening I was really bad. First I just said I felt that even though he was obviously sorry, forgetting about it wouldn't help. it ended up turning into a really long argument where he said i was trying to drill his faults into him and make him feel bad when i just expected him to accept mine. and i should be sorry for not comforting him when he had his outburst, as he was sorry for having the outburst. i was trying to tell him that i'd never be able to have a different reaction to that sort of behaviour. he kept saying i thought i was better than him so i ended up saying things i regret out of frustration (or just phrasing it wrongly - i.e: being nice will never outweigh the bad - meaning that i'd prefer to talk it through. and explaining that he was scary and a big man who had once hit me - when i was just meaning to tell him he was wrong to say he'd comfort me if i was throwing things around and shouting like that). I feel really bad about how i handled it. i've spent all day trying to make it up to him but he didn't make it easy to start with, wouldn't tell me whether or not he wanted me to do things etc. but it's a bit better now. but i still don't feel i've had closure about yesterday and that he accepts that the way he acted was not comparable to my few seconds of being in shock.

[Altered Moment]

Whether he gets better or not is totally up to him. If he is not willing to seek the treatment that he really needs then he probably won't. You can't accept unacceptable behaviour but learning how to draw boundaries and how to deal with that behaviour is tough. Does he drink alot or do drugs?

CAUTION: TOUGH LOVE......

The bad will outweigh the good.
He manipulated you again....

I'm so sorry hun. I simply couldn't, in good consciousness, say nothing to you.

I'll leave it alone now.

[monkeybruv]

He doesn't do drugs and normally doesn't drink at all, although there have been times where he's drunk a lot because he was upset, and that makes things worse (only maybe 3 times in the last year). It's been good again since that outburst but I still feel a bit unsettled because I don't feel it's been properly dealt with. I've decided with my therapist that the best thing is just to be there for him and be patient, but if he starts to be rude or has a tantrum to just leave the room. I want to agree this with him but Idon't know how to bring it up when he's in a good mood without putting him in a bad one. Also, in the past when I've let him cool off for a few hours after him storming out etc it's made things a lot worse (drinking alone, cutting himself, sending me frantic begging/insulting texts...)and he's accused me of not being there for him. Can't win really :/

You put that very well....you can't win.

I'm glad you have a therapist to help you with this.

Please DO pay attention to objective individuals....When you think about it, they/we have no ill-intent and nothing to gain by telling like they/we see it.

You're in a tough situation