Disgusted with myself

Because my life is a complete mess and I have no idea how to get out of it and it is my own fault for letting my depression take over and just floating through each year not trying to change anything and being irresponsible. I moved to be with my BF with the intention of having a life and my own family and as soon as I moved I found out things and started to wonder if I made a mistake. That was 9 1/2 years ago. I stayed with him year after year being miserable and arguing about the same things over and over, knowing damn well that he wouldn't change and things wouldn't change. But did I make a plan to get out? NOPE! I should have went to school or taken some kind of course so that I could afford to move out and support my ownself. I should not have spent money on things I didn't need and I should have had a 2nd job and deposited that money in my own account. However in my defense I have several illnesses and most of the time I am not feeling well and have no energy. The depression doesn't help. I started to get depressed as soon as I saw what the situation was. Then I let it take over my entire being until a year and 1/2 ago I had a breakdown and stopped functioning and dropped out of life because too many things went wrong all at the same time. Finally I am on meds but I don't see a way out. I have no hope and I have alienated everyone I know. I am angry and hurt because I feel people have abandoned me and I'm holding grudges against people and I know its only hurting me but I won't reach out. I need help, I need a break, I need a miracle.

I could have written your post. It took me years and years of therapy to get to the point where I could get off my own back, and I'm still not that good at it.

I guess the one thing I've learned is that what's past is past. Regret is completely understandable, but it doesn't get you anywhere. Maybe you should try to focus on what you can do now, instead of what you did then. Pick one thing and then break it down step by step, and try to do one step a week or something, no need to rush.

Hang in there.

CB

Please take care of yourself. I know how hard it is to be in your shoes. The only person that can make you happy is you. So instead of trying to change other people you should try to change yourself so that you can live happily!! It will take time, I'm not going to lie to you, it will definately take time! You have to want it though!! You have to really work hard to want to feel better. If you want any hope at all I would like to suggest that you start writing positive statements about yourself. At least three or four a day. You don't have to believe them or anything just write them and say them out loud to yourself like 7-10 times a day! It's not going to be easy, but it's a start!! If you need anything you can always pm me ok? I have tons of ideas on how to over come depression and I know it works from my own experiences with it. Hang in there!! *hugs*