[ososoto527]

hello there, ive got a question if anyone can help me understand my mothers postpartum a little better.

my mother gave birth to me when she was very young, fifteen to be exact. my father told me that after my birth she was severely depressed and for the first few months of my life had a hard time developing a relationship with me. for the first several weeks, it was difficult for her to even look at me.

i feel as though that never went away. i lived the rest of my childhood with her and am an adult now, but i feel like the whole time i was growing up, she had an aversion toward me and only fulfilled her "motherly obligations" when she absolutely had to.

i might be wrong, but has anyone here with postpartum depression found that it never went away?

are the negative feelings directed toward the child in specific?

is there anything i can do to help make it easy for her to accept me and interact with me in a healthy way?

any insight is greatly appreciated, thanks.

[paynful]

I wish I could offer you some insight, but I'm not familiar enough with the situation to offer any advice. Unfortunately, my only suggestion would be to post this thread under the Postpartum Depression Forum.

Postpartum Depression - Forums at Psych Central

Just know that it isn't your fault. It's most likely an issue that your mother has to resolve on her end before you can stand a chance. I truly hope you can find some comfort and more helpful advice in connecting with your mother.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by ososoto527

hello there, ive got a question if anyone can help me understand my mothers postpartum a little better.

my mother gave birth to me when she was very young, fifteen to be exact. my father told me that after my birth she was severely depressed and for the first few months of my life had a hard time developing a relationship with me. for the first several weeks, it was difficult for her to even look at me.

i feel as though that never went away. i lived the rest of my childhood with her and am an adult now, but i feel like the whole time i was growing up, she had an aversion toward me and only fulfilled her "motherly obligations" when she absolutely had to.

i might be wrong, but has anyone here with postpartum depression found that it never went away?

are the negative feelings directed toward the child in specific?

is there anything i can do to help make it easy for her to accept me and interact with me in a healthy way?

any insight is greatly appreciated, thanks.

My mom admitted to having the blues, after having me. What they called it back then. I know i was born with a birth defect, and after a loss of blood, mom went into shock after giving birth. She had to feed me with a syringe, and recovered from many months believing she'd delivered a boy. My dad once said, he didn't feel she'd bonded with me as a baby, only after comparison to stepmom with half sister. I don't buy it, what he'd said, there's a couple loving gaze photos.

If your moms lack of affection carried past first year or two, stands to reason, there's more to it, than post partum depression.

If she was fifteen and pregnant, that denotes there was other struggles in her life, and more to her and your relationship than this.

Hope you find resolve with her.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[Curupira]

My depression started off post partum. My pregnancy was planned but extra stressors during my final trimester and a complications with labor left me physically and emotionally wounded.

It took me about 2 months to fall in love with my daughter. But even before that I felt this fierce almost animal need to protect her. I would stare at her for hours trying to figure out where the little alien came from. At night I would nurse her while crying hysterically because I could not connect with her. I would have laid down in front of a train for her but I didn't feel love, and I hated myself for that.

2 years later, I still have depression but I love my daughter dearly. In some ways she is what keeps me going.

My point is, there may be more to it than just post partum depression.

[Clara22]

My mom had personality issues, i think she had narcissistic traits. I remember that when I was a kid I was convinced she did not love me. She would never show affection, the only time she kissed me was for birthdays and Christmas. I was very surprised when I discover that other little girls had a close relationship with their mom, it was embarrassing to see other children hugging or kissing their moms. Like you, I felt many times she fulfilled her maternal role because she had to. She did all her chores and all what she was expected to do. Hope this is helpful to you.

[eskielover]

I didn't have post postpartum depression.....but even at the age of 25....I had no desire to have children. Growing up I never like being around babies & just had no interest in having one of my own.....but after I was married I ended up pregnant much to my dismay.....but also didn't believe in abortion when it came right down to it & now I believe in it even less then I did then....especially when its JUST FOR CONVENIENCE SAKE......but that's another issue.

I ended up having a c-section because she was too large to have naturally.....the whole time I was pregnant, I had no connection emotionally or logically to this baby inside of me......I exercised to that I wouldn't gain weight & would be back in the same form I was in before I got pregnant.....& I was 10 months away from getting my BS degree in Accounting information Systems /computer science......so I really didn't want a baby getting in the way of my career after I graduated.

Even at birth, I felt absolutely no connection to her....none of that motherly instinct which isn't true that all women have it.....but I was there with her.....I just didn't have that emotional bonding & I know that she didn't either. I refused to nurse because there was no way I could be tied down to a baby with college & everything I was involved in & was determined that she was going to fit into our life style....I wasn't going to fit into hers.

My parents did most of the care for her.....but there were times when I took her with me to college labs I did at night & she went everywhere we went because I she was going to be a part of the family.....so we never left her out of doing or being a part of our life......she would go with me to choir practice & to my music rehersals.....& at 6 months, I had her in a front pack along with my 40 pound back pack & we took her one on a long weekend back packing trip. Growing up if she had problems or something bothered her while I was at work.....she would call & I would talk her through everything she needed......we would always take off work unless something critical was happening & attend every function she had.....I would always be there for problems that needed to be handled that were beyond her ability......I loved my daughter..& I was there.....but I grew up without emotional bonding to my parents.......so I think part of that was that I had no idea what that connection would even feel like since it's NOT something that is instinct.

There were probably a lot of things going on in your mother's life that kept her from emotionally getting involved.....or having that close relationship.....it doesn't mean that you can't be a successful person because that wasn't there in your life......it just means that you haven't learned what that close bonding relationship feels like if you really ever want to have one of your own.....it takes a lot of understanding & work to make changes in yourself to correct what wasn't provided by parents....if it's necessary at all IMO.

I had a bad marriage with my H & that just fell into the norm of not having a close relationship with anyone.......things have changed about 6 years ago & I have become a bit better at relationships with other people.....takes the desire to want that change & learning what changes are necessary.....& some people don't want to put that kind of effort into their life or relationships....but it doesn't mean they don't love the person....they just don't know how to show it through a close bonding relationship.

I hope that some of this makes sense & might be some of where your mother was coming from......there is a lot involved in why & why not bonds aren't close......some people never have the desire or need for a close relationship.....others seem to have a much greater desire for one....but don't allow that desire for what was missing to ruin your life.....just like with DBT....skills can be learned & new ways of thinking & preceiving relationships can be developed.....when the desire & the skills are learned if it's truly important to the functioning of your life.

[ososoto527]

Originally Posted by Curupira

My depression started off post partum. My pregnancy was planned but extra stressors during my final trimester and a complications with labor left me physically and emotionally wounded.

It took me about 2 months to fall in love with my daughter. But even before that I felt this fierce almost animal need to protect her. I would stare at her for hours trying to figure out where the little alien came from. At night I would nurse her while crying hysterically because I could not connect with her. I would have laid down in front of a train for her but I didn't feel love, and I hated myself for that.

2 years later, I still have depression but I love my daughter dearly. In some ways she is what keeps me going.

My point is, there may be more to it than just post partum depression.

something you mentioned here really resonates with me.

i remember once telling my mother that even wild animals are willing to risk danger and even their lives with the goal of ensuring the safety of their offspring.

but, often i meet mothers, including my own that not only play a passive role in the safety and health of their children, but seem compelled to harm them.

i dont understand that.

also, as far as her not wanting or needing close connections, i don't find that to be a general truth regarding her. she was very close to my father, her husband, and wept bitterly at his death. she also put myself and her two other children in detriment to try and salvage a relationship with him.

i dont understand if it might be a matter of priority, her choosing him over us, but now that hes dead, i would imaging theres no reason for her to continue to treat us so coldly, theres no one left to choose over us.

not too long ago, my girlfriend and i lost an unborn child, and the grief that i felt from that was unbearable. which was suprising to me, considering how callous i usually feel. i didnt cry at my fathers funeral. ive gone years without speaking to my mother, even when i was a child living under her custody.

what im saying is that, i can not relate to her at all. and i think that keeps me from being compassionate to her feelings and perspectives regarding myself and my two siblings.

can anyone else?

[Curupira]

It sounds like there is a lot more going on there than just depression. Behaviors learned over a lifetime are hard to change even when the circumstances do.

I have observed something similar in the relationship between my mother and grandmother. My mother was not the child she wanted but she can not admit that she does not love her. As a result she can be pretty nasty, and my mother has protected herself by feeling nothing for my grandmother but a vague sense of pitty. I know the neglect hurt her but my grandmother will never aknowledge what she has done because it would mean realizing she is not the woman she thought she was.

That long tangent was to say, cut yourself some slack. You have obviouly suffered some psychological wounds. The hard truth is you cannot change anyone else. The good news is you can accept yourself and heal. This is how you feel now, and that is ok. It may not always be the case but that does not matter right now.

Have you sought therapy? It may help you unpack some of this, and provide you with strategies to prevent her from hurting you again.

You sound like you will make a great dad some day.

I hope this helps