I am hurting people by being alive...

Stay strong sweetheart. We all love you <3

10 points to me.

:') thanks...

You win. See you are a winner.

Yeah...next time I am suicidal I'll remember I at least figured out that iphones messes things up. The thing I did for humanity while on earth. ^^(pls notice the sarcasm)

The only reason that I am alive right now is because I know it would hurt others too much if I killed myself so I relate to you. I wish people would stop caring about me so that I could just drift away. Now I enjoy being with my husband so I want to live to be with him, but other than that, if I could just disappear from the world that'd be great. I almost wish I didn't have friends that cared about me so much, but I better be careful for what I wish for. I just wish those friends weren't out of state. I guess we either live selfishly or die selfishly. Either way we have to do what we want for ourselves. If you don't have a reason to live other than that, then the first thing to do is find another reason to live. Even if it's to prove to yourself that you made it out alive. That's really what I'm trying to focus on lately, to have another reason to live other than not hurting others. Though it gets me depressed to think how much I hurt others just by existing. But those are thoughts that have been ingrained in me since I was born because I was thought of as a burden to everyone. Ok I am done rambling. Best of luck.

Wow, you pretty much described how I feel to a perfect T.

Here's the thing....you are recognizing that the shadow part that is inside of your head is separate from your true self. I feel the exact same way.

The wonderful part of recognizing that is knowing the true essence of who you really are is in there. Screaming to find a way to overpower and render lame that shadow part of you. There is your spark....your fire....your strength.....you recognize what the enemy is and that gives you power! The power to fight back and reclaim yourself!

I never put the two together until it was pretty much too late for me. At least I recognize it now, but I sure wish I recognized it a long time ago.

You are NOT better off dead for people! You are better off fighting this head on.

With the right doctors and right therapy and meds, I see that you do have a fighting chance at a happy life. So, please don't give up on yourself. Your true self is in there ready to fight back and reclaim this life you have. It is worth fighting for! Don't give up on yourself. Find those wings and learn how to finally fly.

PS. People are very much ignorant with the things they say to us. Its hard to take, but unfortunately, that is how people deal with things they don't grasp.

I really liked how one person made the comment about the broken leg and crutches and would anyone really ask that person to get up and dance. That was an excellent analogy and shows you how much peoples ignorance trully is. You know yourself better than anyone else. Trust your instincts and protect yourself, but please....give yourself that fighting chance. You picked up all on your own that insight ....hold it close....that will be the key to your ammunition against this. Fight back. Fight back hard. You are worth it!

Hey . I feel deeply about what you say, it's so spot on. I have also wished to just disappear. I don't want to commit suicide, I just wish there was a way to vaporize into thin air somehow. If I commit suicide I don't think my closest family members would be able to deal with it.

Wow, it is actually so ironic that you mention the second part in your head as being a shadow. I'm a somewhat spiritual person, I mean I don't really go to church and stuff, but I do believe in God and the spirit world. I watched this haunting program on TV once that was about a boy who went with his mother, a ghost-hunter, to a graveyard one night. Once there, they saw a bunch of shadows running around and one caught up with the boy and he said he could feel it entering him. They went home and nothing happened for a while, but as time went on he said there was this voice in his head telling him how worthless he was and the mother said that the boy changed. He was arrogant, didn't go to school anymore, and became a shell of his former self, stopping all his hobbies and interests, but also becoming a nasty, snickering child and backchatting his mom. He also threw something at his mom once, missing her head narrowly. A man came over to their house and realized the boy was possessed by a shadow demon, as the boy also said he heard voices in his head. They proceeded to cast it out with a priest and the demon revealed its name as "irritum" which is latin for "nothingness/emptiness". That was one of the things they noticed, he was void of all emotions most of the time.

I was struck deep when I watched this, this was describing so well how I am feeling, so empty and void of feelings. I don't really hear a voice, but I think thoughts of being useless and pointless as a person. I also walk around in public like a shadow person, walking behind trees, normally wearing a hoodie, covering my face somewhat, looking down so people don't look at my face. This is just the most terrible thing to go through, this depression, and it feels like it never wants to leave.

Yeah...you are quite right about all you said. Thanks for a great reply.

I didn't catch mine at a graveyard and I could call it whatever... a beast.. a parrot.. a turtle.. is just that a shadow is usually recognised as something dark, mysterious and possibly evil... which is how I see it... I also see it as a part of myself that follows me wherever I go... like a normal shadow.

Can you just give yourself ' a break ' !
It's the disorder talking.
Breathe.
I know all this sounds small but try to calm down a bit.
You are a valuable member and a good person even if you don't think so.

I started to look for help because I too wanted to go away, but 2 friends would be hurt deeply. So I stay alive. And also, you don't know what might happen on the other side. It might be worse than here so I stay alive. And I just started to reach out in this forum like this because I realize that staying alive is the only choice for now. So far, these few days, I'm think I'm starting to feel better. Maybe writing in forums like this does help. I hope so.

I would definitely consider it as evil, because I can feel the way it lies to me and its main purpose is to hurt and destroy me, or at least "empty" me so I feel and do nothing, make me totally powerless.