[Nammu]

Off to see the wizard today. CC is supposed to pick me up between 8-8:15am for my 9am appointment with someone to over see my psych meds. I googled the name but whoever this person is it is not a doctor. Doesn't give me confidence as this is the same place that nearly killed me before. They had. Me on a combination that was physically altering my blood, I was very sick and don't remember much, I think the PCP said it was the blood syndrome, this place refused to believe it and told my PCP that I was making it up to get off drugs! Never went back until today. Nervous as hell but there is no other choices available for those on dual medicaid and medicare. Not a lot of confidence in this place even though it's been about 10 years.

I've been getting by on a combination of healthy eating, no sugar, no processed food, exercising and doing what I love, pottery and school. Had friends sort of like me in that we're all deaf. But after I got septic from an infection it all started falling apart. The so called friends left when I refused to drink on pain meds and I got pissed and told them they were addicts. I couldn't go to school, I could barely walk. It ended up that I had to have back surgery and that left me helpless for awhile. Alone in a second story walk up with no one to help me here. I went down the black pit and don't know any way out.

[regretful]

What else can be said? Depression looms largely in my life - not a deep, suicidal depression, but rather that existential angst of waking each day with the question (and no answer to it) of "what is the point?"...

Keenly aware of my depression today. Just glad I will be going boating/fishing with my husband today so as to get out of the house, spend some quality time with him and abandon my boring morning routine of endlessly surfing the internet. Please let there be an end to this depression.

Also, just have to say, why are there some people who clearly are not depressed that post on this forum? I just don't get it. It kind of ticks me off for some reason. I'd love to name one name in particular. Bugs the ***** out of me. I guess I'm just in an ornery mood.

[StarStrike]

I didn't want to get up this morning, but I managed to get up anyway. I had a laid back tutor in college. He let me sit on the table and didn't mind the fact that I was dancing on the table when I got hyper off energy drink. Medication doesn't seem to be working but I felt more at ease because I wasn't on my own so I managed to cope with my symptoms. It was and okay day. Not good but not bad either.

[dandylin]

Tons of things going on in my life. Done with school for the year though. And that's good. Very stressful changes coming; good changes but still stressfule

[eggplantlife]

Just down down down...tried to put up a fake smile. Lasted for short moment. So down...trying to figure out how to make it better.

[chromegirl]

This is day 5 on my new medication regimen (Effexor and Seroquel), a complete switch from the Strattera/Lexapro combo I was on. I still feel low energy and today I was anxious while running the errands I'd taken the day off work from to do. I just felt grey and blah, kind of like the weather. It is humid, like it wants to rain, and it is almost stifling.

I am working hard on being patient. I get very impatient and down on myself when I'm down and waiting to feel better. I start to worry that I'm always going to feel like this, which I know from past experience is a lie. I am trying to focus on the basics like getting my kids fed and to school, and my job. There isn't much left over at the end of all of that, and the best part of my day lately has been when it is finally dark out, the kids are down for the night, and I can get cozily into my safe spot, my bed, and just read, or just lie there with my eyes closed.

[Nammu]

My appointment w/ the wizard went well!

I came out and told him I had some trust issues from what had happened there in the past and he listened and did reassure me that things really have changed for the better, if I have any qualms just speak up. It was almost an hour long, he kept me on what I started a month ago going up to 100 mg in three weeks. I'm feeling much better about this part of things, less nervous. He thought it was quite funning that I went back to the BP quiz and changed my answers hoping that it would say I wasn't BP. I've been a member here for a long time but never took that quiz till last month, never went to the BP forum until recently either, but it's pretty clear that the meds I'm on are really making a difference. I got to admit my T was right I'm BP 2, and I need to accept that. A lot of Pdocs I've seen in the past would have not thought that was funny. I like Pdocs with a sense of humor!

[TheOriginalMe]

I have a flushing toilet. I almost want to go and press the button even when it doesn't need flushing just because I can! :-) :-) The rest of the bathroom is a very long way from ready, no ceiling, half plastered walls, no tiling, bath, shower & basin not plumbed in, floorboards still up, no lights, just a flushing toilet.

I fell today whilst walking with my dog, a nasty awkward fall so I've lots of burgeoning aches and pains. I feel so generally run down and yukky, I'm still bleeding heavily and I just wish I could lie down in a nice warm bath.

I felt so guilty today, a minor misfortune that happened to my mum has been weighing on my mind, I feel like it was my fault all due to my stupidity. I have brooded on this for hours and the feeling just won't go away. When will it all stop?

[Bigmike727]

Well today had its ups and downs. Overall, I've been feeling pretty level headed and collected these past few days. Almost feels unusual since its so different from the rollercoaster I usually ride in my life.

[Espresso]

Sigh.....

[msbunnyryu]

Bored. The day been pretty lazy and boring. Nothing happened really. If this keep going, I might not able to hold on.

[nakitakunai]

I don't know what to do... Somebody I haven't seen or talked to in maybe about six years just texted me out of the blue (past midnight, mind you) just to ask if that was still my number... should I even text back? If she's wanting to just ask me how I'm doing, the answer is I'm miserable and drowning hopelessly in my depression... If she wants to hang out with me, I would have a hard time saying yes because of how horribly my life has been going and it's really not easy to put on a fake happy face when I'm this far down. I guess I'll decide in the morning if I'll respond or not. Some outside opinions/advice would be helpful.

[Wren_]

hi nakitakunai, maybe you could just reply to say hi and yes it is ... and see where she takes it from there. You always have the option of not replying to a further contact from her

[eggplantlife]

Feeling better this morning. First time for a while.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by msbunnyryu

Bored. The day been pretty lazy and boring. Nothing happened really. If this keep going, I might not able to hold on.

to PC and the depression forum.

[regretful]

Thinking that some day I might wake up and find that this was all a terrible vivid nightmare, but I know that is not true...it's reality, and it's just depressing.

Feeling blue today, as usual. It's more of a melancholy, a sadness, that my life is what it has become. The only consolation for today is that my husband has off from work and we plan on doing some things together: going to an AA meeting, out to lunch, doing some grocery shopping. Not too exciting but something to do nevertheless - - reasons to get out of the house and away from this monotony that has become my life.

[MotherMarcus]

Just a couple of off days. Nothing major. It's been cold and rainy so I haven't ridden my bicycle.

[Rose76]

singing happily this morning.

[StarStrike]

I cried myself to sleep last night, thinking about a hurtful thing my dad's fiance said to me while my dad was present. "You need to dress like a woman." But all of my clothes came from the female gender section of the shop. So what if you won't catch me in a dress or a skirt and I like wearing joggers and skinny jeans. So what if I like hoodies and geeky t-shirts. My dad agreed with her. She's so emotionally abusive and yet, it's at night when it hits me and I start sobbing silently. I'm a tomboy. It's who I am. But who I am is wrong in her eyes. Today I just moped around all day in college. I can still feel the impact of it all.

[eggplantlife]

I'm by myself. I don't know what to do. I know there are things to do, but not doing them. Would like company. Called ex-husband. Not picking up phone. Woke up feeling good, seem to be going down, but I need to figure out something to uplift me.

[tigersassy]

Originally Posted by StarStrike

I cried myself to sleep last night, thinking about a hurtful thing my dad's fiance said to me while my dad was present. "You need to dress like a woman." But all of my clothes came from the female gender section of the shop. So what if you won't catch me in a dress or a skirt and I like wearing joggers and skinny jeans. So what if I like hoodies and geeky t-shirts. My dad agreed with her. She's so emotionally abusive and yet, it's at night when it hits me and I start sobbing silently. I'm a tomboy. It's who I am. But who I am is wrong in her eyes. Today I just moped around all day in college. I can still feel the impact of it all.

I can feel your pain. I'm the same way. Went through the same thing. Don't let anyone tell you who you are is wrong. If they can't see how wonderfully unique and beautiful you are when you are you its their loss. I'm not just saying that. Its something that I have to fight to believe (sometimes I still have issues). You just have to believe it for 1 minute at a time. (((((hugs))))) I had to cut my parents out of my life because of how they are, might be something to think about (not for everyone though). I wish you peace.

Tig

[tired_girl90]

Not looking forward to work today... Time to put on my everything's fine face

[Clara22]

Yesterday, I had some news about SS. It seems they came to my neighborhood to gather information (neighbor testimonies) to approve my disability pension. Apparently it went well. It is always an ordeal to depend on neighbor testimony for disability eligibility, it is a bad method of data confirmation but I am relieved the process took place and went well, according to one of the neighbors that was interrogated by SS.