[Momentofclarity]

I am hurting people by being alive... but I know I will hurt them even more if I kill myself...or if I just die. I don't think I am at risk but I really want to disappear. In fact I wish I could turn off all sympathy/empathy for the people around me and then I could either kill myself or if I didn't I would atleast know thats not the reason why I haven't already.

"You shouldn't take things this hard." "You should focus on being happy instead." "You think too much and worry too much." If any of these phrases helped... I would I have been the happiest person on earth right now. But what am I supposed to do? I can't just turn my head off. I can't when I am awake.. I can't when I sleep (got sleeping issues and nightmares). The only thing I make out of "think less" is to commit suicide.. I know no one who tells me that wants me to die.

I actually wonder if I should be diagnosed with something more than major depression/clinical depression (or whatever it's called). I feel like I have a shadow in my head which constantly feeds me bad thoughts about everything, a lot about my self consciousness. It says awfully bad things that otherwise doesn't go together with the person I am.. It is almost like I have split personality disorder, only that I know the shadow isn't real.. is just my own thoughts... have my own voice inside my head. It's so far just metaphor for how two sides in my head fight.. But the two sides are so diverse..

[nicoleflynn]

You shoulds and you shouldn'ts are lies other people tell about you. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are. Would you consider counseling? Call a suicide hotline?

[Altered Moment]

If I were on crutches would you ask me to dance? No you wouldn't. It is the same thing. Our best hope is to treat it aggressively by what is known to work the best. Forget about the ignorance of other people.

[Momentofclarity]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

You shoulds and you shouldn'ts are lies other people tell about you. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are. Would you consider counseling? Call a suicide hotline?

No I don't need to call. I just want to disappear I won't commit suicide. I've been much worse..yet never made an attempt.

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

If I were on crutches would you ask me to dance? No you wouldn't. It is the same thing. Our best hope is to treat it aggressively by what is known to work the best. Forget about the ignorance of other people.

The irony of another person telling me not to listen to other people... I suppose you are right though.. is just.. my best friend (who is a very good friend and can deal with depressed people) just told me one of those phrases, as if I've never heard it. I guess my silence didn't give her much to work with to come up with anything positive/encouraging to say so she just said something standard and obvious.

Thank you both for reading and replying. I don't care if we don't get anywhere I just want to talk anyway...

[Verity81]

I have been there believe me, I wished my family would just give me permission to die as I didn't want to hurt them but of course they wanted me to live and now I'm glad cos I have a great therapist. Are you getting therapy? If you feel something more maybe going on with your mental health them see a pdoc for an indepth assessment.

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[Fuzzybear]

[regretful]

At its worst, depression had me actually reaching my hand up to the sky asking for God to snatch me out of existence...

"I actually wonder if I should be diagnosed with something more than major depression/clinical depression (or whatever it's called)."

I wondered that same thing, but realized that depression in and of itself is a terrible affliction. I would not wish it on anyone. I have referenced this once before, but I read an interview of a depressed person who was once also horribly burned by boiling water. When asked which he would rather suffer again - a burn or a depressive episode - he responded that he would rather be burned 1000 times over than to have to endure just one depressive episode...

This illness is terrible. What tends to keep me going are the supportive replies, like those that I read above in response to this thread of your's. Please keep fighting the good fight.

Romans 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Does that fix everything? No. Of course not. But at least it gives me something to hold on to. There IS a reason for our suffering - we just do not know why.

One reason I never went ahead and killed myself - - even after writing a suicide note to my husband - - was that I didn't want to give him the responsibility of dealing with the aftermath. I really wonder if my opinion would change if I weren't married. Probably not, because then I'd feel guilty about my brother having to deal with the aftermath. Regardless, I choose life today, as painful as it is to keep suffering, and am glad you are too.

I know how you feel. I often feel like there are two sides of me dueling in my head. And I understand how annoying it is to hear those phrases, but frankly most people just don't know how to deal with other people's mental illnesses. I know it's hard, but try not to let it get to you. Surround yourself with things that you like, whether that be animals, music, art, whatever. If someone is hurting you, then don't waste your time on them. Sometimes people try to help but they just can't, and it's not their fault. It's not yours either. Life really really sucks, but it's not all bad. Most of the time it's hard for me to see that, and I'm sure it is for you too. Just please don't give up on yourself just yet.

[fancyladypants]

This post sounds like something I would write right now. It helps me feel less alone. I don't know how much it might help you, but you're definitely not going through this alone!

[Momentofclarity]

Originally Posted by Verity81

Are you getting therapy?

I've made an agreement on that a very close friend should help me to get to aa therapist (or similar).... I need her so that I don't chicken out.. been to therapists before but didn't really solve the problem.

Originally Posted by newgal2

then I'd feel guilty about my brother having to deal with the aftermath. Regardless, I choose life today, as painful as it is to keep suffering, and am glad you are too.

Yeah...there's always someone who will suffer from it... I'm glad you are here too... even if I don't know you.

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

Surround yourself with things that you like, whether that be animals, music, art, whatever. If someone is hurting you, then don't waste your time on them.

Music is my life... but I can't run from things forever... infact I can't run from things for more than just a day. Cause when I have to sleep.. the bad thoughts will catch up on me. Okay I can skip sleeping one night but yeah.. (thats the answer to surround yourself with music)

But they aren't really hurting me... it's just that I become frustrated when I don't want to reply every effort of trying to cheer me up with a "I'ts not that easy" "It won't work" "You aren't helping"... the last thing I want is to bring this upon others.

The rest of you...I am too tired to answer you directly now but I am truly grateful for every reply I've got so far.

[Altered Moment]

I apologize for the comment about ignoring ignorant people.

Some of the comments we get drive me nuts. I have this unhealthy need/reaction to argue with them and explain until I am blue in the face to get them to understand. So I can't really ignore them. Sometimes I actually make some progress. Either way they are still my friends.

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[Altered Moment]

I am doing much better and am supposed to play golf with three friends. One of them knows everything about me and doesn't judge so that is great. The other two I haven't seen but a couple of times in years. What am I going to say when they ask what I have been doing? Where am I working? I don't want to tell them I have been depressed 8 months of the year the last two years and applied for ssd. My sense is these two guys will have no sympathy for that. What the hell do I say to them? I have laid off for two years? Make up some other lie? I would much rather not go and not deal with it. I need to go though it will be good for me to get back out in real life.

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[TheOriginalMe]

I get the bit about the two halves of your mind arguing with each other, I have that a lot. Sometimes a third part would be useful because it could yell "shut up both of you & leave me alone".
The common perception of depression is of a "soft" mental illness which isn't too serious, people often forget that it can present with very serious symptoms, so I'm inclined to believe that the symptoms you've described is probably a manifestation of your depression, especially as you are having sleep problems.
Sleep deprivation makes me psychotic in that I hallucinate, and the things that I'm scared of in dreams then start to occur in hallucinations too, there is no escape either asleep or awake. I just hate that.
There is a really interesting guy on PC called Thunder Bow, he does dream interpretations, if you think it might help, have a look at the sleep and dream forum.
If it helps you to vent here, vent away, there's usually someone around who can identify with your feelings without being preachy.

Originally Posted by Momentofclarity

I've made an agreement on that a very close friend should help me to get to aa therapist (or similar).... I need her so that I don't chicken out.. been to therapists before but didn't really solve the problem.

I don't think therapists are meant to solve the problem or are able to. We kind of have to fix ourselves. Therapists are sometimes good for support though.

[Verity81]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

Romans 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Does that fix everything? No. Of course not. But at least it gives me something to hold on to. There IS a reason for our suffering - we just do not know why.

Amen I also find comfort in the verse 'my grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness'

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[Momentofclarity]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

The other two I haven't seen but a couple of times in years. What am I going to say when they ask what I have been doing? Where am I working? I don't want to tell them I have been depressed 8 months of the year the last two years and applied for ssd.

I think it's important that you don't stop playing golf with them because of this. But then I don't really know you.. or them. So tell the truth...ish. Say that you've been unemployed or are. If they ask have you manage say that you borrow money from your parents. Or say that you HAVE been sick. A lot of people in my country feel uneasy just you tell em you've been sick even if you don't mention it's a mental thing. At least if you say it in the right way... as in try to make them understand just by the way you say it that you don't want to talk about your sickness.

Just a possible solution... would probably work for me.

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I get the bit about the two halves of your mind arguing with each other, I have that a lot. Sometimes a third part would be useful because it could yell "shut up both of you & leave me alone".
The common perception of depression is of a "soft" mental illness which isn't too serious, people often forget that it can present with very serious symptoms,

In a way I really really really dislike the discussion of depression being serious or not. If depression isn't serious enough to feel very bad about then what is? The irony is that depression essentially IS the "feeling bad" feelings... so a lot of people that do have other serious issues, like they've lost their legs, or have other mental sicknesses usually BECOMES depressed because of it... and then they are considered depressed people just like everyone else...

I don't really know if I get the point out but for me it just becomes a circle argument..

"shut up both of you & leave me alone".

Can't agree more.

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

I don't think therapists are meant to solve the problem or are able to. We kind of have to fix ourselves. Therapists are sometimes good for support though.

Rather depends on what you consider to be a problem. Sure they can't heal me completely but they can possibly solve certain ermh..knots and tangles in my head. I mean..I usually get stuck in a loop in my own thoughts but a therapist could put in something else in my head to work with. One could consider that solving ONE issue...

But I guess your are right on the point that it's better to see them as just general support.

[waterknob1234]

Don't give up on yourself. I have felt the same way as you. Most people don't understand mental illness. They think you can just "pep talk" yourself out of it. People act like I choose to be depressed. If that were the case it would be great, I could heal myself. I have had the suicidal thoughts and brush them away thinking I can't do this to my children and who would care for my dog. See if you can find a pdoc and/or a therapist for help. Post here and talk to us. We care.

Today I feel like my husband would be better off without me and that if I were to kill myself, it would hurt him and he may feel guilty but he'd get over it and life would go on for him merrily. Today I asked him if I was holding him back due to my severe depression, and he was silent. I am having a profound negative effect on him and our marriage. I feel helpless.

[Elvis Spock]

I think you need to see a psychiatrist because when one is in that state being logical or objective is very hard and sometimes impossible. Once you are more centred then you can see a therapist about issues you have.

I read a comment from a psychiatrist and she said going for therapy when your brain chemistry is out of whack is like going for surgery without an anaesthetic.

Also listening to friends (whose intentions might be good) who have never suffered from a mental disorder and/or don't understand it is not really going to help matters especially if they are giving advise from their fram of reference.

[Momentofclarity]

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

Don't give up on yourself. I have felt the same way as you. Most people don't understand mental illness. They think you can just "pep talk" yourself out of it. People act like I choose to be depressed. If that were the case it would be great, I could heal myself. I have had the suicidal thoughts and brush them away thinking I can't do this to my children and who would care for my dog. See if you can find a pdoc and/or a therapist for help. Post here and talk to us. We care.

Thanks... really supportive post. I am going for a therapist or such once I've moved to my new apartment (which will be for sure next week).

Originally Posted by newgal2

Today I feel like my husband would be better off without me and that if I were to kill myself, it would hurt him and he may feel guilty but he'd get over it and life would go on for him merrily. Today I asked him if I was holding him back due to my severe depression, and he was silent. I am having a profound negative effect on him and our marriage. I feel helpless.

Such things usually affects everyone around you.... unfortunately. Just more or less... Truth is though... he apperently choosed to be together with you cause he thought that the goods effects on his life would exceed the bad....and if you are still together... thats either still what he thinks or he believes in that things might change to the better as he first visioned when getting together.. I kinda am assuming some things here but I hope you find more comfort in my comment that fear.

Originally Posted by Elvis Spock

I think you need to see a psychiatrist because when one is in that state being logical or objective is very hard and sometimes impossible. Once you are more centred then you can see a therapist about issues you have.

I read a comment from a psychiatrist and she said going for therapy when your brain chemistry is out of whack is like going for surgery without an anaesthetic.

Also listening to friends (whose intentions might be good) who have never suffered from a mental disorder and/or don't understand it is not really going to help matters especially if they are giving advise from their fram of reference.

Your point about when to and not to go to a therapist is very valid and I thnka you for reminding me. But probably the most of us here doesn't really know if it is something chemical or .... something in your life causing it. So I am gonna go there and see if things change..

You make it sound like friends can't support you at all unless they really know whats going on... I disagree.. and this friend in particulary actually has a mental ilness too... is just that he/she has a very different way of coping with it.

---------------------------------------------------------

To all of you... I am feeling better now... I am not suicidal and get on with things. I'm just restless and tired parts of daytime. We'll see if it fades to better or worse..

[Altered Moment]

MomentofClarity, for some reason all those quotes got attributed to me. They were not mine except the first one. This forum screws up the quotes a lot.

I talked to my one buddy who knows every thing about me about it. I am going to go golfing and just say I am laid off getting unemployment. I am usually open but I don't want to deal with it.

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[Momentofclarity]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

MomentofClarity, for some reason all those quotes got attributed to me. They were not mine except the first one. This forum screws up the quotes a lot.

I am not recieving that problem. The quotes on all my posts seem to be right. Maybe it's your iphone.

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

I talked to my one buddy who knows every thing about me about it. I am going to go golfing and just say I am laid off getting unemployment. I am usually open but I don't want to deal with it.

Sounds like a good idea... hope it will work out..or worked out if the event has passed.

[Altered Moment]

That is odd. All the quotes are right now. I can't remember but it must have been on my Iphone like you say.