[breemarie]

Feeling hopeless about my life. Feeling stuck and ashamed. My self esteem is in the toilet. I avoid talking to people because I am ashamed of my life. I don't want to answer any questions about why things are the way they are. I feel like my family is embarrassed by me and disgusted with me. I have ruined my life and now I don't know how to fix things. I feel stuck. I thought I was going to have a family of my own with my BF and thought wrong. BF never stays home. Doesn't think he has to. Only feels he should have to be home if we had children which we don't. Spends all his free time doing things for and with his family and friends. Leaves me alone all the time. I have no friends and no family where I live. My friends and family have grown tired of me and my depressed, negative state. I have no car, I am unemployed, we are only a paycheck away from being homeless. I am afraid to work. Dependent on BF. Again, hopeless. I don't know what else to say. Medication can't change this. Don't know what to do. Want to just give up.

Oh I know that feeling. Afraid to work and then feeling resentful at my own dependence...although I do work, abeit p/t ...but always feel maybe I should do more..bring in more money...only yesterday a financial medical situation has arisen and its going to add some more to our already stretched family budget...my H works all the hours he can...I was/am getting so stressed over all off this...racing thoughts..panic, anxiety...I know its guilt...I am going to have to step up to the plate and work a little be extra...maybe only as little as a couple of hours a week..why this is causing me so much fear I'm unsure...but I know I will have to walk through the fear and DO IT...as NIKE say JUST DO IT.....at times life is just putting 1 foot in front of the other...I wish I could offer you a magical solution..infact I wish I could offer myself one...but sometimes life is hard...and we have to face it....

for you both, to help carry your load. love, pat

[Boopers]

Oh Bree,

((((((((((((((((((Bree))))))))))))))))

Just take it one day at a time. That's all you can do for now.
Are you taking any meds for your depression? If not, they could help you alot.
I'm sorry your BF doesn't think he needs to stay home with you. He probably doesn't understand , I mean, really understand about your depression. People that never get depressed, can't understand us. They don't know how to.
Try to be patient with him as best you can.
Maybe he stays away because he may start to become depressed himself and it scares him.
Anyways, I wish you the very best and hope that your depression leaves soon.
Take care and let us know how you are doing.
Linda

Hi breemarie

Im sorry to hear what you are going through, my heart goes out to you. i understand the feelings you have, of being ashamed, scared, alone, everything. there are things you could do to help yourself, and there are people there that can help.

first off, never be ashamed of who you are, no one should ever be ashamed of being themselves, ever! i can see why you are, but please, dont. you are having a hard time lately, what with depression and everything else, and you are doing all you can to defeat it. you are still alive, and that is honourable. dont worry about family, as they are not in your shoes, their opinions are invalid, as are anyones who dont know what depression is really like. many people merely try to imagine how it feels, and they "advise" you on what to do without knowing depression, and this is wrong. it sounds to me like your boyfriend is going through his own troubles right now and needs to keep himself active to escape these troubles. try offering him a trip out somewhere, just the two of you, somewhere you both enjoy. it will help you focus on something else, and spending time with your bf will hopefully bring the two of you that little closer.

this depression will pass, it isnt forever. i promise. i would suggest you go see a therapist, begin therapy as that will help dramatically. and see the doctor about meds, they will help the depression a little, making you more focused on other things, such as a job. if you begin by doing a little part time job in a local shop etc, then when your confidence rises, you can expand your hours, thus getting you more financial security too. i know you are afraid to work, iw as in that situation myself too, but i forced myself to get a job - i jumped into the deep end though, by going fro, being out of work for 12 months (manic depression too) into a full time, 5 day a week job. it was hard for sure, but in the long run it saved me. i was afraid, and i didnt want to do it, but i knew i couldnt live the way i had been. it was time for change.

try setting yourself goals, and as its the last day of 2006, try setting new years resolutions for 2007, simple goals to start off with, then achieve them. then set newer ones, harder ones. even if you start off with something simple like going for a walk everyday, or going to the doctors. nothing impossible. then the knowledge that you are achieveing these goals will lift your confidence and help you achieve the more difficult goals, like getting a job. but start off with setting easy goals first, and take your time.

i hope you fel better soon, i really do.

take care

simon

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( bree ))))))))))))))))

[jacq10]

((((((breemarie))))))

I'm so sorry to hear that you are upset like this ... i'm sure the holidays didn't make it any easier on you. All we can do is take one thing at a time, one day at a time.

I sincerely hope that things improve for you ... take good care,

Jacq

[PaulS]

I'm sure everything you share is true. I'm worried that you are hping something might get better. Itseems realistic that you may need hellp keeping yourfeelings from goingdown, and you may needthat help right away, before anything has a chance of improving.

It doesn't feel llike it, but somewhere there isa way you can get a better sense of control over your life. Professionals are trainedto help with this, and they are tehbest way to go. Please don't waitfor things to get worse.

It's hard not to give advice. The main thing Iwantto give you is support in the form ofassuring you that many of us have a good sense of how you are feeling, and we don't want that pain for you.

[PaulS]

Bree, Booper's reflections aaer wise and almost certainly right on. It is so hard tosee someone youlove in trouble andnot know how to help.

[breemarie]

I am grateful to all of you that have been kind enough to reply and offer me suggestions and support. I am just tired. Tired of fighting. Everytime I feel something might change for the better something happens to ruin things again. I don't have hope of my life ever having any meaning or happiness or even peace. I know my BF doesn't know what to do. He does feel helpless. But he can be very insensitive sometimes. However, he is all I have and he does worry about me and does try to help at times. He has come around some. At first he was angry at me for being depressed, I think he wanted me to leave. He feels sorry for me now. He sees that I do try to take little steps. I did go apply for help with my medical which was a big step for me. My going to the hospital clinic for help and taking meds was another big step. They may seem insignificant to some but for me it is a big deal. I do not want to go anywhere alone or be around people. I was hesitant to get help for myself out of embarrassment. I am on wellbutrin and am supposed to see the Dr. and Therapist Friday but I am not feeling well. I have health issues also. Also, they cut my medical assistance because I wasn't going to see the case worker and trying to find work. So now I will not be able to get the meds. I do not want to go to see the case worker alone on the bus because I'm not familiar with that bus route. It is scary for me. My BF works and cannot come. Plus the whole idea of needing assistance and going to apply is embarrassing for me. I don't want to continue going to the office. The first time I went it was in a town I was more familiar with and my BF showed me how to go. I thought that would be it. I didn't have any intention of staying on the assistance forever. Just until I can get out of this depressed state and back to working. I have been looking for something part time I can do that will not be too stressful and that I can get to on the bus easily but I haven't been successful. I also have tried finding agencies that can help me with therapy, or job training and placement. The clinic I go to is not helpful. I really only go for the prescriptions. The therapist doesn't get depression. She thinks when I want to change my life I will do it. Like it is that easy. I try to help myself and I get nowhere. I feel alone. Nobody knows what to say to me because they see what a complete mess my life is and don't know what to say to help. So they avoid me. I need help in pulling myself out of this hole that I am in. I am not getting it. I am ready to give up at this point. I am tired of trying and waiting for the next crisis to come. Again, I appreciate everyones support though, it means alot to me.

Bree Marie.

BreeMarie, we've all been right where you're at. i've had to ask my daughter to drive me around Austin, because i didn't have the mindset to do it then.

i'd suggest trying to get back on the schedule with the social worker and get your meds back.......small steps are great and you've made some. when we're depressed, we can't do big leaps......people don't understand depression (and it's 2007) and they won't help us the way we'd like them to.....so, small steps and post here and you'll get better.........xoxoxo pat