I'm scared

My depression has been getting worse and worse. I can't sleep properly and I have panic attacks. Just being alive feels like a struggle. I feel terrible about myself.

One of my worst fears was that my boyfriend would feel like he's carrying the whole load financially and he told me he does. Before we moved together I had a job and 3 internships and school and then I quit the job due to depression and I moved in with him sooner than I was expecting to get out of a situation of sexual abuse.

Now I can't work and I can't function and I don't qualify for disability. He says I'm not the person I was when we started dating and I know he's right and it hurts and I feel terrible about it. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I could get my crap together and keep a job and make something of myself.

I'm scared. I'm scared of my future and of my life and I don't know what to do. I'm disgusted with myself.

Hi, octoberpumpkin, and welcome to Psych Central! I have a suggestion for you: Go to see a therapist if you aren't already. I can tell you are dealing with a lot and that's the best way to get back on track. Many of us see therapists and find them very helpful.

And please don't scoff at possibly taking an antidepressant to help you get going, too. Many of us here do that as well.

Okay?

Hi october, first of all do not be disgusted with yourself at all!! I do know that that must seem so much easier said than done and even though you shouldn't be the feelings can still be there, can still be hard to push away. But you've been through/still trying to cope with enough.......the abuse.......the depression.......now you haven't chosen any of that........you aren't to blame for any of that. And you so don't deserve disgust, you deserve empathy, you deserve understanding, you deserve support, you deserve help.........but one thing you don't deserve is disgust.
And of course with everything gone on/going on for you you're not acting like the same person as before, it can take time and real support to work through things like that and "come out the other end". If your boyfriend isn't "getting that" then maybe you could talk to him a bit more about the way things are for you or encourage him to look further himself into the effects of abuse and depression??
And perhaps talk to him about the way he's feeling too?? Afterall the financial part of it may not be his biggest concern, it might well be as much the fact that you're suffering (and he doesn't know what to do about it/for you) and if you two can pull together on this then maybe you'll both be able to break down some barriers.
And yes, it can be possible to turn things around, for the future to be different with time, with help/support. So could you take a look at what else might be available where you are e.g therapy, group therapy, support groups? Maybe your doctor would be a good starting point who could also maybe help (more?) with the depression.
And of course you'll find on-line support including us!!
Alison

Don't be disgusted with yourself. Depression is a mean and scary illness. I agree you may benefit from seeing a therapist and anti-depressant medications. It also sounds like your boyfriend needs to be informed about depression and what it does to people. I am sorry you are suffering thru such a rough time. I hope you get some help and things get better. Keep posting here too. We care about you.

Thank you for the support. I have a meeting with a low income therapist on the 22nd but I can't afford to go often with my income.

My boyfriend really does mean well and has showed he cares about me, but he feels pretty often like he can't make me happy, which I guess he can't because I can't even make me happy. And I guess that's a lot of extra stress for him too.

I just wish I could feel normal and be able to do things normal people do like go out without anxiety and work without panic attacks and speak to people without having to excuse myself to go cry. It's hard. And no one congratulates you on making it through everyday like this, they just treat you like you're damaged or they pity you or they look down on you.

Hi october, it's good that you're meeting up with a therapist well done on having put a priority on your well-being, it matters!! I don't know whether it would be an option where you're from but sometimes therapy can be accessed according to a sliding scale of income making it more affordable.
But if that's not an option then maybe ask the therapist to give you quite a few things to work on in between sessions. You'll be unlikely to do them all, but then at least you can pick from them the things that you might find easiest to work on in between times and give them your real attention.
As for your boyfriend, maybe try to make him understand that he doesn't need to keep trying to make you "happy". Afterall "happy" might take time and plenty of help/support to completely internalize that. But if he could understand, be there for you, ease things a bit, offer you support.........then that would be what you really need right now, wouldn't it??? Focusing too much on "happy" right now, has to be a bit pressurizing for both of you do you think?? One step at a time maybe???
And feeling "normal", well just because you're having problems right now doesn't mean that things can't get easier for you in time. Everything (even the tiniest thing) you can do towards feeling just a fraction closer to where you want to be really does count. So smaller goals, maybe??
And those people who don't understand how hard it is for you, what a struggle some things are for you, probably haven't been where you are or probably just don't "get" what you're experiencing. If it's an option maybe explain to them a little more, but otherwise make sure you congratulate yourself on your strength in making it through..........And now you're here let us genuinely congratulate you on that too!!!
Alison